This little piggie..

Amazing. So now in addition to juggling my present protocol, and trying to finish the last one, i found the newest one on my desk. See? Even not checking mail to avoid getting news to spoil your day doesn't work. Some nice soul (and she is a real sweetie) had printed it out for me. So now i have..3 protocols to play with? When i was busy freaking out about it my colleague came to me and told me to take it as a good diet plan. Sigh. When i get stressed i get really nauseous and lose my lunch. Or bile.

Was on course during the week, and had no time to go out, eat, or let alone blog. Pah!!!!! When i came home on friday, was so tired i had no mood to go partying anymore. I just..slept. And slept i did. 16 hours! *yeah* I did wake in the mdidle feeling refreshed, but i forced myself to sleep because i was greedy and now im just zonked. And i still feel like sleeping. What a pig i am. How proud i am :)

So now i've cancelled my saturday night plans, the pizza is on its way and im planning to mooch around the house with a movie. It feels good. It feels like im relaxing, and it feels like a lazy weekend. Ahhhhhhh.... :)))

Third time's the charm. Was it Terri's?

When is the time to be moral?

Once in 2001. Once in 2003. One final time in 2005.

I read with no small discomfort that the circus (on her part) was finally over. I wonder how the health care professionals in that nursing home reacted to the news that she was to be starved. Did they just mouth words of disbelief and continue with their duties? Did any of them refuse to have any part in it? Was it hell for them to comtinue their duties while they carried out Mr Michael Schiavo's wishes to have his wife starved to death? I hope it was. He who faxed a statement to news organizations Monday in which he said he had difficulty accepting a court ruling allowing him to have his wife's feeding tube removed.

I've taken care of individuals who've been rendered "vegetative" by different means. There is such a thing as a will to live, and it is very apparent in some cases. I've seen a pastor who had had a stroke and survived 15 years. He had unseeing eyes, wasn't able to respond by blinks or any means which would let us know he was mentally "alert". Extentions of him were a feeding tube in which a formula was sloshed in 6 times a day. Tubes to take away waste from his systems. Tubes to make sure he wasn't dehydrated. I had spoken to his wife who was by his side one afternoon, telling her i admired her strength in coping. She spent all her afternoons with him, reading from the bible and massaging the oils which he has so liked into his skin. She smiled, and said sweetly- that she didn't have a choice.

Taken aback, i murmured that she must be very tired, and went back to my patient. A strange thing happened then. My colleague asked me if the wife had been washing his face, and i responded with a startled no. Bending close to him, i noticed his cheeks were wet. He was crying.


Thinking back on this, im sure i'm not the only one who'll be able to tell you such stories. There are many more, stories of people holding on for one last family member, stories of people surviving when they shouldn't and those who should have.

Who's to say that someone has *left* us even though she's physically here? Who's to say whats wrong or right? I can only say that if anyone is to err, it should be on the side of life.

If you HAVE decided what you want and you're absolutely positive that you will never change your mind, there is such a thing as an AMD or advanced medical directive.

An Advance Medical Directive (AMD) is a legal document that you sign in advance to inform the doctor treating you (in the event you become terminally ill ) that you do not want any extraordinary life-sustaining treatment to be used to prolong your life. I havn't though, and am not sure if i ever will. How do you know what you want right now won't be the opposite when you're clinging on to the last shreds of life?

Not something i want to screw around with.

Loserhood.Singlehood. One and the same?

Well now.

Apparently in Japan, women over 30 are called makeinu, or "losers".


The author of the article goes on to say, that

".there are many similarities between Singaporean and Japanese society. Both are patriarchal and hierarchical.... "

I'm surprised to read this in a newpaper. My goodness. Certainly sweepy enough of a statement though im not unpleased to see this. Oh sorry, let me rephrase that. A local newspaper. A quick glance from beneath arched brow reveals a name. Tisa Ng. Why am i not surprised to find a woman's name ? Surely you didn't expect to find a man writing that? Perish the thought. Im truly sorry, but the men i know personally seem to believe that there is no prejudice anymore in these present days. I'll admit, it's been greatly improved, but totally? Isn't it slightly .... somewhat .. naive?

By no means am i a feminist. I love my support too much to burn my lovely innerwear. I don't and never did believe in the equality of sexes. I love my men. I believe a man of the house is exactly that. A man who leads the household with decisions that i entrust the lives of our children to. I'd love to take off his shoes when he comes home, and give that neck rub. More. Believe me. But increasingly im frustrated with the roles im stereotyped with. Why? Cos it's women's work. So? I don't see you spearing oxen. Your boss doesn't count. And you sure as hell don't buy back any (faux) skins for me. I may give it all up for you. But acknowledge that it's a sacrifice first. Appreciate. Say thank you often. Don't tell me that it's a woman's lot.

We've both evolved, come a long way. Specialisation is for insects. Let's not even talk about the stereotypes re: giving in to the urge to settle down(or lack thereof) and give into the urge of procreating wildly. Seriously. You mean you didn't know women were that visual as well? Tsk tsk. Learn. It's ok. Im barely 26. You'll catch up.

Not a day back, someone was trying to convince me why it was better to be a woman. And why, pray tell, i asked? Orh, manchild said. Because..

• You get gifts.
• You get pampered.
• You don't get pressurized to earn
• You get to be taken care of
• You get to be courted.
• You get to experience the miracle of birth..

...lor.

Thats all very nice sweetie, but i'd like to have a little more as well. In fact, i think men get to experience most of the above said as well, no? I'd like to talk to a group of middle aged men, and not have their attention because my body is comprised of boobies and ass ( kay, fine, i do, but so not in the right proportions ;p), but because they might think i have something worthwhile to contribute. I'd like to past a construction site without having to swallow hard and act like i don't notice them noticing. I'd like to be treated like a lady, because i am, and no amount of wanting respect will change that.

Men might think- pah. Women. They want respect, but they want the door opened for them. They want us to be a man, but they want us to be sensitive to their needs as well. Why the f'ing hell can't they make up their fickle little minds? Didn't it ever occur to you, that as every man is different, so is every woman? They're called needs. And you'd do well to find out what they were instead of assuming.

I have no absolute answer for your questions, boys. We're annoying, but you don't have much of a choice. We're stuck with you too. We certainly didn't volunteer for the extra hormonal displacements and progressively saggier twiddly bits. Not even the government aka PAP will be able to cheer us up i can tell you that.

Not all women think the same way. Some overcompensate while trying to prove their independence. Some veer the other way, trying to garner as much attention as they can, not realising that sex is the lowest common denominator. I only wished that both sexes realised that times are changing, that there is no way a single sex can be cramped into acting a certain way. Some, like me, try to remain true to what they really want. It's hard. A life of deciding to be a makeinu. Things could be worse.

I'd love them a whole lot more if they were nibbly brown and 70% cocoa 

Cold cross buns.

Listening to: Sleeping with butterflies
tori amos

I was really hungry in the middle of the night and the fridge beckoned. The hor fun scared me off, so i slunk to the litchen counter. Hot cross buns. Well cooled. It's good friday already?

Memories. We used to get our buns from the cold storage at the old Ikea in katong. I'd play in the room filled almost to the brim with balls. Memories.

The parents are off visiting churches the catholic way today. Spend a bit of time contemplating in each, light the candles, drive off to the next church. I used to enjoy going, enjoyed the silences, the gravity of the people around me. Then again, when i was a little girl all i wanted was to be a nun. I'd listen to my parents religious tapes with sermons and read their books. My mother wld tell her friends and colleagues with false exasperation, and not a bit of pride. My grandmother (nanny) let out that my father had entered a seminary when he was younger, but it didnt work out. Perhaps his daughter would make the family proud.

Once i hit secondary school and the heights of puppy love.. all thoughts of taking a vow of eternal chastity vanished :) Suffice to say, my father was disappointed. I stopped going to church for years. It was only the last few years that had me feeling like something was missing.

Now having had my fill of both catholic and christian churches, i have to make a choice. Do i fall back on comfort and tradition? Or do i let myself enter the world of spirit filled services that move me so much? Why can't there be both? Why must something always be lost, exchanged, or sacrificed when something new is found?

Then again- im not exactly a commited person. It's good friday. I don't feel anything really. Easter is just lunch and easter eggs. Isn't that a bad sign? What if there wasn't such a thing as a god, but only mass hysteria, or rites that help people connect to their inner selves and give explanations for almost everything? (yeah, we'll never find out because god will let us know in his own time .Uh huh.)

Men always were attracted to familiarity and immortality.
Believe and you'll never die

Never name your daughter after a virtue like hope, like charity, and especially chastity :) My name will always be my biggest trial. I don't think the pragmatist in me will ever let me have 'complete faith'. In all honesty ( kay, if i get struck by lightning you'll all know why), unless something happens.. Unless i get healed instantaneously, unless he physically picks me up and dangles me over hell.. unless i see his face or hear his voice.. Until then i reserve my all.

I can't help it. He didn't give me a good mind to blindly accept all i hear.

I want to use a MRI to see if speaking in tongues activates the language center or that area which we use to day dream. I want more explanations. I want fact.

But why do i get so touched sometimes then?

Listening to: dry your eyes
The streets

Thoughts upon thoughts
memories within memories
my soul a battlefield
the rivalry of my elements

By reason, that force confining
By passion, those flames that burn
Finally understanding
that bitter poison by which the physician within heals.

Wierd shite.

Strange.

I came back to find my mirror shattered and all over my room floor. Its the second one in..2 weeks? And i've never broken a mirror in my entire life before.

Coincidentally, my bathroom light blew last week.

Oo-er.

Pot shot 3

Talk about bizarre service.

I was having dinner , and i already had my meal set on my side. The friend's waiting for his. The waiter comes with a burger, and attempts to serve me.

Um.

Hello? im hungry, but not that hungry. Didn't it occur to him that if a table only has two orders, and there are only two people, it generally follows that it's a dish per person?

Amazing.

Pot shot 2

Here's a little something something that got me just a leetle conscious.

i have an old subject, a really buff guy my age who takes delight in mentioning that he could bench press 3 of me at one go. I did have fun at his expense previously, telling him that our equiptment could detect steriods. That was fun. He had come in once with a stick-on tattoo of a ..flower no less, all very nice and pastel'ly. I ribbed him telling him he could be honest with moi about his 'orientations'.

On friday i was talking to him about his present trial, when suddenly he looked at me with this wierd look on his face.

Buffboy.of.dubious.orientation: hey- there's something else i wanted to ask.
Moi: Sure- ask away.
B.O.D.O: I'd like to introduce you to some of my friends.
Moi: (*slaps forhead* How many times do i have to go through this??? YEARGGH!) Oh?
B.O.D.O: Im sure you'll like her.
Moi: Nonono..waitaminute. Did you say.. HER? (If my left eyebrow shoots any higher, it's going to migrate to my a**)
B.O.D.O: Hur hur. What do you think?
Moi: As in.. a gay?
B.O.D.O: NO lah- a chick like yerself.

He leans closer, taking advantage of my understandable confusion. He whispers conspiratorially.

B.O.D.O: Does your door swing that way?


Oh. Dear. God. People- make up your mind. I cannot be too gu niang and a butch at the same time can i?

Pot shots?

Not.

I went to catch boogeyman on friday night.

Halfway through the opening, i started to get a little fidgity. This wasn't as b grade as i thought it would be, the seats on my right are as empty and black as hell, and is that my imagination cos i see something moving and omg the music is freakin loud and.. You get the idea. Bless her heart, fiona notices. I swap seats so she's on my right, and a couple is down a few seats to my left. Much better.

Suddenly i notice the girl from the couple swapping seats as well. I also notice she's just one seat away from me. Obviously someone's been doing a little illegal shifting down the row.
She notices me looking, turns to me, puts a hand on her chest like she's having pains and gives me a sheepish smile.

"i scared also mah"




LOL!!

Finicky eater i am.

This is what happens when you discuss the zodiac with women. Our observations coincided for certain zodiac signs, esp for a few particular ones. Gemini's, leo's, scorpio's... All fascinating but we loved to hate them :) Don't cry, a few foolish women's opinions only counts for entertainment at best.

Lucid's guide to dating by the zodiac. Heh.heh. heh.

Aries 3/21-4/19
They have been fiery, very *you have no idea* opiniated, and slightly stubborn. No metrosexuals here, they were manly men! I liked their zest for knowing their own mind, but i remained too much of my own woman to be them with for long periods. Plus point? Rather ambitious, and they've all done very well for themselves. Plus they're rather randy :)

Leo 7/23-8/22
Too charming by half. Did i say half? God, i meant entirely too much! And they're aware of it! Driven, but mostly able to be personable at the same time. I've usually been very attracted to them, both physically and mentally. They can be as intense or lighthearted as men come, and it drives me nuts. Also tend to be flirts and boys at heart, but at least they're mostly bright. Oh- strangely, the ones i met in this sign seem closer to the mothers. What i didn't like? They weren't that eager to try out..uh..they had their own routines which they stuck to. Nice boys, i'll always have a ready scratch for these big cats.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
One of my faves. Very stable, very easy going, i've had fun having fun with them. Very sweet, pretty trustworthy, always determined which also translates into being task oriented. *coughs*

Taurus 4/20-5/20
They're a little too down to earth for me. And not willing to go over the edge enough.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
There have got to be a few signs i've not seen that much of, obviously. Im not that much of a social butterfly :) This wld be one of them. A little too meticulous for me.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Workaholics!! Lovely when they've come out to play with me. Usually serious, might have a little temper but otherwise i have no qualms.

Gemini 5/21-6/21
Oh god-I swear. these men are like women! I never can tell where i am with them. When they're happy, they're really happy. When they're on one of their moods..oh boy. In short- unpredictable. Great conversationists, im very at home with these men. When they have their happy mask on that is.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Another of those signs i don't see much of.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Im happy to say the men of this sign aren't as frivalous as the women. Which personally i don't see as a problem of course :)) For those of you who havn't guessed, im a water baby as well. All righty, back to the men. Not conventionally beautiful, they have an intensity, a charm that stems from the fact that i've never seen them over eager. NEVER. In fact- it's a mystery how they let on that they're interested in women. Huh. Most that i've met have been quietly intelligent, often beautifully creative.

Cancer 6/22-7/22
Um. Snags? They want babies more than i do! Nice people but im not a kitchen goddess, sorry.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Sexy as hell, but with a stuborrn streak as only they can come with, a tendency to have a violent temper, and oh 'so' superbly communicative. I like a domineering man but.. this group is far too much for me.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Could i say that ALL the ones i've met have been romantic? Or tried their darndest to? A little clingy sometimes. To me lah. I can't speak for everyone. Sheesh.

Lucid takes no responsibility for whatever happens (or doesn't) as a result of her girlfriends reading this. Go pin your relationship woes on someone else sistah. And men- if all else fails, always remember to be at the very least a gentleman.

Brevity.

People,

Questions, questions :) I made no mistake when i mentioned winter harvesting for wine in my previous post. Eiswine, literally ice wine in german. You're missing out, is all i can say :)

That's it for tonight. After a call i'm too distracted to write much, and i have people to inflict pain on bright and early at 7am in the morning tomorrow. *Ho-hum* Just another day in the life of a needle wielding fiend.

Letter.

It's sad when needless necessities are followed through with.

Needless because you know there must be a better way. Necessity because if it doesn't, bad things happen.

I had a friendship that i truly believed could stand up to the rigours of time. I guess.. if someone can get married and leave the parents, so likewise a friendship can be dictated by a relationship. I understand it, but like so many other things, i wish i had nothing to do with it.



Plucked.

Angel- it pains me more than i've said to have this happen. In a world where there is so much uncertainty, you were a constant that i had come to believe would aways be around.

~~~@

Listening to: Love divine
Seal

Would that i lived on your fragrance
like a bloom on the strength of your sweet light
that your hands would tend to me
to me, to me, your hands on me alone

In your care my vines will yield
In your patience you gather harvest
And in my winter are pruned my sweetest

By the fire, when wine is tasted
each draught, each sip, every taste.
Intoxicating,
the rememberence.

LA La LA

I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day!

I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation!

I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers!

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while!

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores!

I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

Pass the tissues around.

Listening to: Cannonball
Damien Rice

It's monday, and my girls at work are taking turns getting incapacitated by the flu virus. Again. It's making its second round, largely due to the fact that we spread it faster than we can get well. I feel sorry for the lady who clears our bins.. The contents are probably more hazardous than the labs outside. Poor thing. I must plant some of our tissues inside senior managment's office.. Or swab the doorknobs. Or something.

I took the practical (and hasty) step of confirming with ly that i'd stay at least till the end of the year. Urgh. More fool me, but it's done. At least i can still fantasize.

Top 10 most Applicable Things I'd Love to Say But Don't.

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
Lucid says: I used to think it was just me but everyone else says your're full of shite too.

2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Lucid says: Don't mistake my lack of a response for empathy.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?
Lucid says: Don't ask me if im free when you've just asked me to do something that minutes before you've claimed was my number one priority.

4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lucid says: Ignorance is your bliss and my personal hell.

5) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Lucid says: Im guessing this won't be anytime soon.

6) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Lucid says: If i screw up my face when you're talking, don't believe me when i say im not feeling well.

7) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Lucid says: ...

8) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Lucid says: Also slightly hysterical, depending on the nearest deadline.

9) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Lucid says: Thank you for recognising that fact and planning ahead in advance.

10) File that under "Never".
Lucid says: 'nuff said.

I rise when its dark, and leave when it's darker.

Listening to: They
Jem

I've been exhausted for the past 2 weeks. Wake, rush to work, go home after a 12-14 day, have dinner if there's anything appetising and i feel like it, sleep. I dream of work, all the unfinished issues i've left behind. Weekends have been chaotic, like im determined to spend myself even more just because im not at work. At the end, i always wish i had a little more sleep. I'm plumbing the depths of low- my subjects want to matchmake me! Someone my age. Humph. Thanks arh. I think my wrinkles take on sinister lines when im not looking. How else can i explain the offers to meet people as if i have a bloody great sign tacked to my head? Mumble grumble.

Isn't there supposed to be something more to life than this? And if there is.. what*where*when*how*?

Im searching. Really.

Self entertaining.

I GIVE IN!!

You know those "20 little things about me" posts where you spew intimate details that no one else wants to hear? Well- i believe in karma. This is for the all the times i've read 'em. G marks the spot, now read on :)

(G) been drunk
(G) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(G) kissed a member of the same sex
(-) crashed a friend's car :Does making someone dent his own count?
(-) stolen a car
(-) been to Japan
(-) played mailbox baseball
(GGGGGGGGGGGGG) ridden in a taxi
(-) been in love
(-) been dumped
(-) shoplifted
(-) been fired
(-) been in a fist fight
(G) kicked someone's ass :And a nice ass it was, i might add.
(G) snuck out of my parent's house :Who hasn't?
(G) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(G) ever dated someone of the same sex
(G) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(-) been arrested
(-) made out with a stranger
(G) stole something from my job :Im guilty of batteries and pilot pens.
(-) celebrated new years in time square
(-) gone on a blind date
(G) lied to a friend
(G) crush on a teacher
(-) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(-) been to Europe
(G) skipped school
(-) slept with a co-worker
(-) been married
(-) gotten divorced
(-) had children
(G) seen someone die : Being born, living and dying.. There's always someone crying, always mess to clear.
(-) been to Africa
(-) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(-) Been to Canada
(-) Been to Mexico
(G) Been on a plane
(G) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(-) Thrown up in a bar : i try to embarrass myself privately.
(-) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(G) Eaten Sushi
(-) Been snowboarding
(G) Been moshing at a concert
(;p had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(;p taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(G) been in an abusive relationship
(G) slapped someone you cared for intensely
(;p ever smoked marijuana
(-) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(-) lost a child
(G) gone to college
(G) graduated college
(G) taken painkillers
(-) love someone or miss someone right now


On an equally obtrusive level, blink.o.rama has images of celebrities caught in mid blink. Arnie's was rather entertaining, i thought.



Yes, im bored. Need you even ask?

WHoOpS!

Listening to: The blower's daughter
Damien rice

Just broke my mirror today. Well.. cracked rather, a nice clean *kracckk* diagonally. Oh well. If i do get the recommended 7 years of bad luck (wait- or it that if i open my brollie indoors?), I 'spose i'll have the angst to blog till im 33.

So bizarre- I was in the multi-storied carpark last night waiting for a friend . The 4th floor had only two cars; the one i was in and this other suv. I was just lazily watching the guy park. He got out of the car. and i watched him take maybe 5 steps away from the doors when he apparently decided that he needed to repark. I was amused. Very conscientious this guy. It's 4 in the morning, and he's still trying to be a good man. The second attempt was pretty good, very parallel, nothing wrong that i cld see. Said nice man got out, *beeped* locked the car, walked away. This time he managed to get to the staircase before he was gripped with the urge to AGAIN repark.

Good grief.

I wonder what he's like at work.

Caught 'closer'. Nasty piece of work there. I only caught it because i was emotionally blackmailed. Yes- you know who you are :) God- it's so disillusioning! Just pass me the white habit someone, so i can hot step it to the convent! Geez.

I was telling this to hairy san and he told me this. " Come back to church. I'll introduce you to elligible men. Godly men. " God help me, but i burst into laughter at that point. He was nice enough to laugh along with me, but again he tried. Tis time with the slightly pained and exagerrated patience that i normally associate with old women with the scent of old rose. I tell him i didn't need his help, and frankly, am a little affronted that he had offered.

"You should be more serious about this. You must start planning already. Do you know what you want?" said the concerned one.

Oh hairy san. I do know what i want. I even have a prayer i use.

Dear heavenly father-
Thank you for the man whom i'll recognise when he smiles
A beauty all my own when i wake next to him
Let him be strong and steadfast, with a pure heart and devilish intent
Thank you for the man who is complete on his own, who wants but might not need,
let him be blessed with keen intellect, patience and kindness
and last but not least,
let him be godly endowed.
AMEN.

Little miss moi

This morning was absolutely gorgeous :)

In the car, hurtling along with lush.. Equal amouts of rhythm to get my blood pumping and
oh-so- smooth tunes that make me feel that much more sensous. This particular station gets my groove everytime.

Along the ECP i never fail to look at the expanse of semi blocked sea that is the beach. Beaches have always been my balm, and this morning, with the slightly muted light and sweet stillness, is no exception. My favourite bit? The view of the singapore river leading out to the sea along the shears bridge. The fog adds a romantic surrealness to the skyline and marina south.

Just for a second , leaves shining throught the leaves of an old old raintree with an incredible broad canopy. Such picture perfect moments- i feel like a fool for thinking such thoughts, god knows i sound like a junkie, but i can't help it. Really ;)

E commented that i sound resentful of my surroundings. Do i really? Lol- would it make my blog more interesting, more scandalous if i posted images of what turns me on? I'll think about it :)

Serious jane strikes again.

Listening to: the truth
india arie

I havn't been posting, a combination of mood and and preparing for the trials. Grateful there's something to throw myself into during the day. Truth is- i havn't had any compulsion to talk, much less write since the incident.

There isn't any sense in wondering why things happen. They do, you get over it, and everyone moves on. No one talks about it. Skirting round issues has never been my style. Again it doesn't matter because it isn't about what you think anymore, but instead the unsaid 'comfort factor' that everyone else needs. I used to think that i wld be able to make a difference if i opened my smart ass gape to just verbalise. Guess again sweetheart.

My parents wonder aloud if they were good parents, if they had done the right thing, and if what they've done ever made a difference. I wish i could say something that would make them feel better. I wish i were less honest. I can only say that people do what they can in their circumstance, but beyond that, i can offer no more comfort. The only thing that has been reinforced, is that parenthood is a cruel thing, and everyone is a victim. Observation and sense tell me there won't be a need for me in indulge in such frivolity in my lifetime.

When was the last time you were disgusted?

Listening to: Seven days without you
Avion

Pop over to Yarn's. His latest post on Steven Lim, gives you today's lesson on how not to be a dickwad like singapore's most dubious eyebrow plucker. Go on, shoo, when was the last time you were morbidly fascinated? I'm too lazy to write bout SL, and plus i like my already meagre sleep too much to want to dwell on him. it. whatever.

Now back to moi :) After that upsetting day at work, yesterday was beautiful really.. The session at sgh went well enough, and i was back in office in time for lunch. Came back to find my mouse decorated to look like a spider, thanks to my neighbour, who exclaimed that she had missed me. Awwww shucks. I dangled it over my monitor for lunch to make it look like it was scrambling over my monitor. After my yam rice and big doses of other nasty carb's, candles were lit for frannie's 27th birthday. Then TWO chairs were set out. For both feb babies. At that point i tried to come up with an excuse to go, i hate fuss, but in the end had to sit and cut cake. Yarghh. Didn't bring the pics home, wanted to post a pic of it. White chocolate all round the edges, printed with animals in baby pastel colours-lol! The stuff of cuteness.. Bushy head warmer eyebrowsy ronan and danny both got a slice, but didn't get my age. Im not that generous.

After lunch no one wanted to get back to work. A gazillion pics were taken, starting with fran's GORGEOUS tulips.. Now i know how many people can squeeze into my cubbie, and how much weight my desk can take. Which isn't much. Creaking gets scary when it's not your property. I'm not particularly enamoured of flowers, partly because some have a little difficulty getting it right, but these were absolutely enchanting. Beautiful scent, delightful packaging, vivid purple colouring. So sue me, but i like my flowers romantic. Long stemmed, leave the thorns on, and get the big ones please. I hate smutty small flowers.

The tests went really well, better than i had expected, and the protocol is going to be on its way for dsrb soon. *yay*

After work met J for my very belated prezzie and dinner, and i met some of the friends as well, inclusive of singapore's reigning wushu tai tai, currently 7mths with baby, and still playing the band's drums as well. Incredible pocket dynamo.

Had company on my way home from the nice techhie. First he said he wld send me on my way. Then he decided to come all the way to my stop. Then he insisted he'd prefer a walk over a cab ride back to my place, so we walked for a good half hour. (Whoa. Hello- you're not tired, but i am k?)

Didn't make an issue of it in the end because i quite like walks and it turned out to be a pretty nice one. There was a nice breeze accompanying us, and my february moon was huge and hanging low, veiling us both with strong, illuminating moonlight.

Pointy haired bosses.

I haven't been so upset at work for a long, long time.

On wednesday i spoke to one of the scientists at work, telling him i had to postphone today's meeting because of another trial's preperation. When i reached office today, Ly came to me asking me why i had gone straight to the scientist instead of letting her know my constraints. I explained, and she was skeptical. Demanded to know why i had cancelled the original meeting, demanded to know why i had to do it since it was all supposedly in the schedule. It was only when she bothered to use her remarkable intelligence, and went to JL for clarification that she realised what had really happened.. I hated every moment of her accusations, hated her guts for spilling everything out in the open, hated myself for being too surprised to do anything but explain politely.

More than getting angry, what i hate most is being hurt. It startles me, makes me feel vulnerable, and worse, makes my eyes smart. It makes me feel like im 10 again. Sher asks me to curse. I can't even get out that much, my throat is so tight with anger.

The restrictions wear me down so goddam much. I need space, creativity, room to manouver, and all i get are their bloody leashes.

Tired, tired, tired today. Have the protocol to go through, comments to forward to various people, tests to study for, and sgh to be at by tomorrow morning. BIG sigh. All i need are c's hands on my temples, massaging just for a min, just to tell me im doing okay, and that he'll stay awake with me. Small comforts are all i have left though, so i'll just have to be content with wading through the waiting piles of work.

So you think you're sexy?

Listening to:Dans mon ile
Yoko Ono

Im wondering. Do any of you have friends who have had relationships start online? I found out yesterday that a friend had married a man, moved to the states, and settled down. And yes- they met online. They talked for a few months before meeting, and apparently were more than a little infatuated before they eventually met.

A while back i caught a documentary on human instincts, and this particular one was on the science of attraction :) They conducted experiments on certain theories, and these are a few that i found worth remembering.

1)It's possible to calculate how attractive a person is. The more symmetrical the facial features are, and to some extent the body, the more beautiful you are. And they tried this on isolated tribes as well, so it isn't a culturally conditioned factor. Greater symmetry counts because you're less likely to have a debilitating illness.

2)Pheromones- You're not consciously aware of them — they don't have a scent that you can notice. But your brain knows that pheromones are there. And your body reacts to the ones it likes. Men who sniffed T-shirts worn by women who are ovulating — the part of the menstrual cycle when they're most likely to get pregnant — found the scent more pleasant and sexy than the smell of a women in a less fertile stages. Women with irregular menstrual cycles who took a whiff of male sweat several times a week found their cycles grow closer to an average, regular length. And there's more! Through these pheromones, your body analyses and picks the genetic make up that is most different from yours to ensure our offspring remain genetically diverse. So much for a cute ass.

3)Status. We might not outwardly verbalise that we look for this, but notice we do. For men- this isn't as applicable, but you get the gist. Materialism has an organic origin, and that is to make sure the rest of us cave dwellers get more than a fair share of freshly hunted beast to haul onto our spit.

There are, of course, lots of other factors that make attraction a science, right down to the last decimal point in a woman's hip-waist ratio, but what about the couples who meet online?

There are no pheromones to tweak in us sexual awakening, no way our bodies subconsciously can tell how suitable for each other. How does one explain that then? When people only know how the other looks, writes, and feels.. Some things are meant to remain a mystery, and im glad. You know how women love to ask their bf's why they adore them? Sure as hell would ruin any moment if he answered that my 'pits just smelled right.

Oh- and people? This doen't give you an excuse to bathe less.. Just because you're dirty doesn't mean you have sexy pheromones.. So please, no excuses ;p

Of irritants and annoyances.

Listening to:Little girl blue

Nina Simone

Yesterday was a complete and utter waste of my time.

I swear. Regression, when you're aging must be spectacular when you're 54. Because it's frikkin cracking me up when i'm 26, even though it's just been 5 days.

Pointless activities i indulged in the office yesterday in no order whatsoever.

-Bak kwa'ed and tart'ed.

-Played trashball badminton with clipboards

-Attended meeting

-Indulged in literary gibberish on sametime connect, which is a platform for im'ing.

-Testimony'ed on friendster.

-Planned my fri nite and weekend

-Put the work i need to get done into my bag as i left. Psychological comfort even though i might not touch it at all during the next 48 hours.

My regular cabbie cldn't make it, so i had to walk out to the main cab stand at the nearby hospital. Before i left, it started raining, so the stands were inundated with a desperate hoard. As i settled down into the line, this woman came up to me to ask where the line started. I pointed her in the right direction, and her eyes opened wide.

"Where??There?"

I nod once again.

"Are you sure??" her arms go akimbo and she clucks in exasperation.

I want to roll my eyes. No, fucking Timbuctoo, i want to tell her, that's how long the queue really is, you fuckwad. I don't trust myself to answer and look away.

By now i realise that this lady is from Honk Kong. Am i surprised? No.

I bump into her again as i wait for my on call-cab. She's still there, and she moans about how she wants to get to the zoo on time. I offer to give her a number of dial a cab service, but she shakes her head. She's tried, but she didn't manage to get a cab.

I tell her i'd give her a lift, but the zoo doesn't loom large on my itinerary.

"This soo bad, you knoww" she drawwls in that accent we've all come to know and love from the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China.

"Such baad image of Sin gar pore! How can you allow it? Hong Kong would never allow this to happen!"

At that point my cab reaches, and riled though i am, i get in.

I am on no account patriotic. I feel no common love for my people when i travel and bump into them. It's a safe place to live, organised and it's accomplished for it's size. No more, no less. I've never felt particularly at home here. I don't even particularly like the people. The last time i spoke about National Day, which is Singapore's version of independence day, some nice soul looked at me, tilted her head, and said," You're Eurasian.. Why do you have to celebrate national day?"

Strange then that i felt an overwhelming urge to start postulatin' bout the lesser evils of my little island :)

On another note, i just received a wierd call from a friend, which in itself is normal cos he's my friend. He was complaining about a loo in Paragon where he was taking a poop,doin his own thing, when a psychic flush occured.

Definition of psychic flush: An automated flush set off. What it gets set off by is a great mystery.

He was traumatised, because the p.flush in this case was particularly strong, and he was having a runny. Look- just a tip. If you're thinking of settling down for some time on the pot, just moisten a piece of paper, tissue or whatever to obscure the sensor. And obviously you don't moisten it with anything from the pot or whatever you're ubnleashing into it lah. Unless you enjoy a certain splishie splashed feeling.. in that case i tell you to stay far, far away from moi.

Deceit street.

Let me pose a question to you- If you had an opportunity to try and make things ethically right, but in the process, lose friendships, would you?

When is it right to do right? Must we always decide on the pros and cons when trying to decide if having values are desirable? Do we always have to form committees and have a general consensus to do anything that is near and dear to our heart? What ever happened to doing the right thing even when it hurts? Did the price of sowing the seeds of disparity get too harsh when your peers started looking at you with different eyes because certain things just aren't for compromise?

More and more i find that the illusion of having choice, of having free will; whether personal or socially, is slowly dissipating under the harsh questioning of my inner voice. (just the one, thanks) The question? Why do i have to choose an option? I remember there was a time i had rights.

Whether its the right to breathe the air i want, or to voice the thoughts i have;
the right to say i love you as a friend, but your behaviour makes me want to lose lunch;
the right to say that i feel your behavious is noxious, that in the process you're degrading yourself! (why can't you see it yourself?? )
The right to finally tell you that if you still want me as a friend, i'll always be there for you.

I also realise- you have every right to walk away from all these years we've shared, to turn away from me, and walk down that long , dark street of yours.

For the 14th, an ode.

Listening to: Burn
Usher


I love dempsey road more and more! The cool air, the extensive wine lists, the nice accomodating warden at the carpark. A smile opens such doors -lol!

Seriously now, i'm thinking.
*gasps*
Don't look so surprised, i do indulge in it once in a while, in between gracefully being the world's biggest klutz.

Last night something was said, and i'm still thinking about it. A comment that she had never fallen for anyone. Not even an infatuatiuon. Whoa.
That's a serious, very encompassing statement you've got there.
She looks over, and states that that's the way it is.
Are you straight i ask?
Beat.
She turns around and looks me in the eyes.
Geez- ask a simple question...
Ok, fine, fine, i raise my hands in surrender.You're straight.
But what a statement, sweetheart.

I think... love, as with genuine happiness, can only be fully reaped afer revealing seperation. Just when i thought i had no capacity, didn't have it in me to fully give myself to anyone, and despaired of ever knowing that elusive emotion first hand, epiphany. My past relationships have been so blessed that i took them for granted. That's why i was always restless, always seeking something new, always looking past the proffered hand. Just as a child can only appreciate his mother after being apart from her, so only can love be illuminated in our midsts. The subtlest beauties in out life go unheard, unseen.

The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable. ~ by Victor Hugo ~

Flabbergasted.

Listening to: How's life
The observatory

I dont know what to say.

I lost my wallet and had to go to the bank this morning.
Furnished my police report and bank book.
Nice lady behind the counter smiles charmingly and what she says next floors me.
"Im sorry ma'am. Without a picture id, we can't give you an ATM card, but we can allow you to withdraw any amt."

I do a double take, a triple take, and repeat what she says. She smiles, shrugs and says its company policy.

Im greatly comforted by this policy to prevent theft of my hard earned moolah.

Frickkin red tape.

Lucid dreams.

It's been some time since i've been struck by my dreams when i wake. I've learnt to tune out most. Here are a few bitty odds.

The first dream.

The most disturbing part?
We're test trying equiptment in a barnyard. It's the first time i pilot something. I get on a plane with May from work, and i accidentally hit something which releases a bomb. It kills 94 people in a village. May volunteers to takes the blame, and we get off scott free. It results in tremendous guilt. Later i get a blueprinit of just how extensive the destruction was.
Why 94?

How strange. Whenever death in my dreams occurs with numbers, chances are i'll wake up really disturbed. Hmmmm. *ponders* If i strike anything, you guys will be the last to know ;p

The second dream
Damn- i've remembered it for the whole morning and half the night and i forget it when i want to write it down. Wait..ok. Here goes.
My sister's fiance catches me in the bathroom about to shower. I scream, and my mother gets him out of the bathroom.
NOTE: the man throughout used to be a physician i worked with. Tall, nerdy, nice hands, christian. I was never attracted to him at any point.
Later i go thru a tea ceremony with my husband, but i don't know who he is yet. Dinner proceeds. Dreams within dreams. I remember in my dream that i had offered to help my mother-in-law to strip the leaves of the spinach for the dinner. The leaves are covered with maggots, and i desist. While looking at the leaves, the mother-in-law is at once both herself and my own biological mother. The other women gossip over my chosen choice of veg. It's an inauspicious choice.

Next scene

Im on the red hall carpet with my mother in law. We discuss the church wedding and when it should be held. I get up to walk, and realise there are 4 bobby pins stuck in my left sole. I pick them out gingerly, and realise there are bobby pins strewn all over the carpet. I bend to pick them out so no one else will get hurt.. I realise at this point who my husband is. Although i was never attraced to him, suddenly i am filled with such tenderness and warmth, i marvel to myself, lucid while dreaming. I feel also a sharp pain in my tongue. I open my mouth, and i find 2 bobby pins stuck in the side of my tongue They protrude out onto the other side . I pull them out, one by one. My husband comes out of the bedroom fresh, desirable, *nerdy*, steps onto the carpet and guides me through the pins. A feeling of total contentment, yet inevitability.

I really, really hate having disturbing dreams which i can't understand. The last time i dreamt about playing in the hospital. My grandmother and i were in a lift, and we were trying to catch up with someone, but no matter how many lifts we took, we were always too late. There was a horrible sense of urgency about the dream,, and i was so disturbed, i cld not function. A day later my grandfather passed away. Coincidence? Or my own imagination? I don't know. I only know i shouldn't fuck around with my dreams.

Realise at this point i either come across as just plain wierd or really disturbed-lol! Either way, you should realise that dreams are more than your mind's way of sorting out information at the end of the day.

Drink me in

Here i am to be savoured,
Here i am alone.
Don't say im beautiful
Don't say im not ready,
Put your hand on my heart
Just feel me wanting you
Set your eyes on mine
Just see my need
Bend a little lower
Come a little closer
Let this be a little sweeter
Let this last a little longer.

So much to say, so inadequately equipped to express it.

I hate floaty feelings . *mumble grumble*

I'm not exactly a big fan of birthdays either.

You Are 21 Years Old

21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Um. *coughs*

So i'm regressing. How strange. I always thought i was born an old lady. You know what scares me? All my life, i've been the one with the common sense. The one who keeps quiet and thinks before offering the grown up option.. When the option list on forms started me on the same check box as "25-35 yrs of age" however, i think i got a little panicky

Now what worries me is that i've been trying to out act my age. It's not too late to do something about it now, but it'll be a damned silly sight to see a 35 year old woman trying to act 26 later on. So now i'm not afraid to wear pink, and im not afraid to say i think mashi maro is a bunny i'd love to snuggle up to. Regression or progress? I have no idea. I had a talk about this with sheron, and we both agree.. The older we get, the less we think it's a weakness to act like a woman, and we get more "ta" .

Men get it all. You get a paunch? Call it posterity. Balding? An extra dose of manliness you say, i've got more testosterone. Hitting 40? Don't worry hun, it's legal for you to get it on with a slip of a thing half your age. Take care of your heart and you'll be all set to go with viagra and cialis. Yayy. Don't get me wrong. I love men. I don't burn my bras, i love support in all forms. I just love objectivity more.

I don't do little boys.

I did i little test..Apparently my porno star name is..get this.. *drum rolls*

My Porn Star Name is: Auntie Tata

Okay, i'm starting to annoy myself right now. Have an auspicious start to the lunar new year dearies! *MUACKZZ*

And yet another one..

You Are the Very Gay Winnie the Pooh!

Come on, he doesn't wear pants! And he's a little too obsessed with Christopher Robin

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

W.T.F?

Another test thingie.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

You are more romantic than 70% of the population. It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Im getting carried away. Im waiting for my ride for lunch, so bear with me :)

Breathers.

Listening to: At last
Cyndi Lauper

My god- this is so terribly romantic! Just had to get the lyrics.

At last my love has come along
my lonely days are over and life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
my heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to
a dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
a thrill that I have never known
You smile you smile oh and then the spell was cast
and here we are in heaven
for you are mine at last
I found a dream that I could speak to
a dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
a thrill that I have never known
You smile you smile oh and then the spell was cast
and here we are in heaven
for you are mine at last
at last at last

*swoons*

I can finally take a breather from work since this particular protocol is over. Still look tired, but my sheets have seldom looked this tempting and im going to make full use of them the next two days. I feel like at present my life has come to a little standstill. No spectacularly major changes for a couple of months now, just small amusements and concerns that were nothing except pesky. My next two will be coming in a bit, so its rest, rest, rest for me. What to do, being an old lady zaps you of your energy. I just hope i don't get any more fool subjects who come in shouting," i saw you on friendster!" while im trying my darndest to act professional. Its bloody embarrassing i tell ya. I swear they look at you thru different eyes after that. It's bizarre, considering that i've got my pooftah poodle's pic uploaded. i know i bear a certain resemblance to my pet but...this is just a bit much.

Another thing that amused me recently..I got the come on from two nice people at this place. Nothing strange about that, except.. its been some time since anyone thought i was a passive. Yes, they were both..urm..women. Well.. the same sex as i am at any rate. Lol- Perhaps i shld start going to mad monk's, or winebar on tuesdays ;p

I have a question... Is it possible to fall for someone, even thought it defies logic, and breaks all the rules you've set for yourself? To only concentrate on the person, the man he tries to be, and the man that he already is? To not take note of the practical aspects that women are trained to meticulously sift for, but just.. enjoy him the way he is? Either way it's a moot point, and an ache that gets a little hard. Again i distance myself, because that is my safest option.

Galvanised?

Shall i write what's on my mind with no heed for repercussions today?

Every little bit was desirable, every effort to stand furthur away like my limbs were steeped in lead. The sound of his voice-an ignition which needed no key or physical form.. The looks he gave me..a formless caress while the heat of the day carried to me the myrth of his smell. In fear or arousal, the body's flight or fight senses are activated. Senses heightened, heart beats faster, all the better to rush the oxygen to my brain, and to the other major organs. Adrenaline brings a rush to my cheeks, to the hollow between my collar bones, to my lips. Plumped, rouged and primed. Ready, aim... *bang* Lust always was quite the marksman. Unfortunately for him, i can be an undeniably pragmatic frigid bitch. Yayy. Go me.

Off to thumper for the night. As i check my reflection in the mirror one last time, i think to myself that there is no reason to deny myself, deny pleasure, and continue with my sabbatical. As i close the door on a darkened empty house, i think to myself that there will always be reasons.

~*baby*~you've got to try harder, even when its hard to try

Listening to: Baby
Bebel Gilberto

Im aggravated.

What is it about cabbies who blast religious music in their cab? Take this morning's uncle. I come in, and after 15 mins, ask if he can switch to an english station. He turns around, and tells me it is an english station. Um. Small prob. Im more stressed than i thought if i can't even differentiate between my mother tongue, and prayer chants. I give him my look. "it's class 95" he retorts. I point out that they don't play certain music on class 95. He strains to listen, spends the next 5 mins gushing about class 95, and tunes it to an english channel. It's... the perfect 10. Uh huh.

Pretty upset about the story that was told to me by my darling duo today. Transparency is sad to see when people put in effort to prevent the exact opposite. I little while ago i wrote about wishing for the purity of relationships and friendships. I read a little something from hannibal, the follow up to silence of the lambs which i think is very apt at this point. I quote," Wish in one hand, and shite in the other. Which gets filled up first?"

I think that... making a decision for a sabbatical from relationships for a year was a good call. 6 more mths to go. Its made me have no choice but to stand up and face certain things on my own, as opposed to unwittingly hiding behind some human security blanket. Sure its a little hard, but lots of things are, and what doesn't kill me... :)

Lucid, lucid-er, lucid-est

Listening to: At last
Cyndie Lauper

Pronunciation: 'lü-s&d
Etymology: Latin lucidus, from lucEre
1 a : suffused with light : LUMINOUS b : TRANSLUCENT
2 : having full use of one's faculties : SANE
3 : clear to the understanding : INTELLIGIBLE

Lucid dreaming. A handle that i use sometimes. A metaphor that i wish i cld always use no matter what.

Of late, things have been getting muddier and muddier.. I didn't stir up the debri in the pond, i wish i knew what did so i cld have stopped it. Can i say that i wish too that all friendship is the very essence of lucidity? Pureness- sometimes prized, sometimes compromised to make gems stronger. I don't mind both, but it breaks my heart to steel myself to turn away from people that i love. And they'll never know it, because i would never let myself show that it would affect me, if i didn't think it did them.

~4 am~
Isn't the dark of the night
meant to be still
Is it just me
that it never will?
A phenomenal change
but not that much
just enough
to stay my heart

Thats enough of that, have a friend over since my parents are away. Again. Must go distract him from cable. Small pleasures are all that are left to me :)))))

Catch-me-fuck-me.

Listening to: Somebody told me
The killers

The game du jour. How cld i not have indulged? Taking this game literally wld make it easier. You see it everywhere. People trying their best not to get caught for making mistakes, authorities trying their best to pin the massive blame on something else, someone else.. Your friends trying to screw you out of what is impt to you.. How soon before i get pulled in?


People react to fear, not love- they don’t teach that in Sunday School, but it’s true. — Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519), Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, scientist

Look ma- no work clothes!

Listening to: Since you've been gone
Kelly clarkson

Ahhhhhhhhh..... Hear that? Thats the sound of a happy customer. 10 hours of sleep, no waking up inbetween, and...*gasp*.. I'm not at work!

Last night i went for dinner with my family. Nothing fancy, just dinner at one of those halal family restaurants. My dad had just bought himself another cam, and he was oh so joyous when i agreed to embarrass myself by taking pics of him and my mom in the restaurant. Yeah. I felt ten again. People were looking, and as usual it put him in the zone. *shrugs* My sister joined us later. I can't remember the last time i did this..The time with family i mean. It felt really good, and once again i'm aware of how i neglect them.. I was happy, actually told them about work voluntarily.. My mom again asking if the docters in the unit are married. Gah. My sis asks me to stay away from boys from acs and ri for a change. The last one from browns put me in a funk remember? I can't help it- the lure of a man who thinks with both his heads is irresistable to me. My dad asks about the irish physician with bushy head warmer brows that so, so, distract me everytime he talks.. I realised then that i love to make my parents laugh, and that they look surprised that i was so open to them. Mom and dad, im not really your little girl anymore, but don't look so perplexed when i choose to be.

After that at my place, me and fiona watched resident evil. My god- mila is fascinatingly beautiful; What wld it be like to have beautiful eyes, flecks of gold in green irises that seem to illuminate pending on your mood? Geez. Enough already-lol! Again can't remember when i had time to chill with a movie. I miss.. lying on someones lap, watching, while my hair gets stroked.. Eventually falling asleep, and being woken up with a kiss and an offer to be carried up to my bed.

I don't know what it is, but suddenly there seems to be no end to my friends trying to set me up. At first i found it amusing, but now.. Don't they get it? Im NOT interested in setting myself up for more of that shite. I think that i have enough to learn as it is. Until someone picks me up, slaps me hard and tell me EXACTLY what he wants, im not listening. I swear- men are worse than women, and they complain that we are irksome? Example- The other day i went out with. It was cold, he put his arm around my shoulders. OK. fine. Left it there for a polite few mins, then pretended i was distracted. Next- playing with the hair. WTF? I must be giving out the wrong signals.That feels good tho, so i let it continue for a bit. Last straw. He tries to hold the hand. It lasts 3 seconds before i point out how beautiful the stars are by pointing with that hand. Whats confusing? Um... He donesn't call me after that night. Was he just trying to get laid? Was he turned off that i wasn't interested? What? Oh god.. Im so afraid of giving the wrong signals, of reading them wrongly as well..I'd rather leave it all in HIS good hands. There is no one else i'd rather let shield me at this time. Reliability is a trait that i crave more than good food at this time.

Another thing that makes me wonder. The count makes it..oh.. a few now at work that have said i'm 'innocent'. I quote the last one. " Oh faith, you're so innocent! You're just like a little girl! ." Wha..? My closer friends have told me that as well. Why? What do they see, that i don't? I can sleaze with the best of them, so.. isn't innocence an oxymoron at this point? I just hope they're not trying to tell me im a bimb' politely. *coughs*

Listening to: Somebody,
Bonnie Mckee

My mood these days? I feel like one of my bipolar patients. Sometimes i wish i wasn't gifted with the gamut of emotions that humans have. Sometimes i wish that we cld live life the way huxley wrote about in his 'brave new world'. Soma, the drug that dulled the senses of the people in his fantasy, made them feel like they were drunk, but without the spasm inducing, breathless causing nausea that alcohol causes. I cld do with a fix myself.

Wasn't it just a short while ago that i told myself i'd embrace emotions because that was the only way to live? I remember why i made the original decision. Sometimes i think...i feel much too intensely. Waves of tangibility. Mini tsunamis of that first wave kind. I soak up the mood my environment like a bloody giant live loofah. Sensitivity. Almost i wish it was the other kind that makes you petty, and not this. I want to watch a love story with cringing. I want to walk down a street of beggers without leaving poorer than them. I want half a heart, and i don't care what you do with the other.

Only our spirits can understand beauty, or live and grow with it. It puzzles our minds; we are unable to describe it in words; it is a sensation that our eyes cannot see, derived from both the one who observes and the one who is looked upon. Why are we blessed with the knowledge of this, only to have it hidden from us once we catch a glimpse?

38% bitch?

Im disappointed. Talk to me again when im pissed. Damn. Does that mean i shld carry on with my childhood ambition of being a nun?

I AM 38% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

Curious- It says asshole/bitch. Does that mean that asshole is an equivalent for bitch in man talk? I mean...i call my guy friends bitches. Dang- faith isnt politically corect? Muharhahahahahha!!!

One more thing.

Forgot to add that being busy at work takes my mind of being so horny. Which is a good thing if you're single.. Wahey! It used to be that i had to..well.. thats enough on the subject for now.

Tis time!

Have decided to make this anonymous again. Do i really want people to know what i write? The only thing it served was to hinder the thoughts which usually flow, and i've decided that like therapy, the only acceptable thing is to talk about what i want. Me, myself and i tis time.

Work has been crazy, and i hate to say this, but i think im becoming a workaholic.I start bright and early, as early as 7, only to reach home after midnight. I dream about my subjects, not because they have fantastic chests, but because i want desperately for everything to be perfect. Desperately.

Its a drug for me also because being immersed in work keeps you from being restless, allows you to fall into bed tired for once. The only bad thing is that i need more ciggie breaks, and i dont care who knows it. Today two things from the still quiet voice.. One- quit. Just a simple word, but i knew he meant my smoking. Quit that and your health will fall into place. Two- Get back to church. Your life will fall into place. I've always known my name was a trial to me, a test that wld make or break me. And how true that is coming to be..

Im tired of all the assorted emotions life makes you jump rope for. True, certain things are worth it, but until i find something that is.. until it comes up and bites me in my face, i wont stop for it. Will i lose opportunities? I might, but its better than looking for it in all the wrong places.

Im so thankful for my colleagues.. The other day rach brewed chrysanthemum and ginseng for me. How sweet is that??? Thankful for the note that reminded me to smile, thankful for the laughter that we have when im stressed and i start talking rubbish, thankful for the chocolate that appears on my table from no where.. Thankful for the offers of help, and pats on the back.

Im thankful for k, thankful his daughter made it thru so nicely. What a beaut she is..

Thankful for the love that friendship brings to me whether during good or bad times.

Pillow journaling

Life is an enchantress
She seduces me with her beauty,
I know her wiles
And i flee her enchantments,
But love is a natural weakness
A drug which dulls my senses,
A mist which clouds everything
till i heed my cries of desires
And reason only hears an echoing of itself.

Tons of work, zero mood.

I should not say this but..

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LONDON (AFP) - A high IQ is a hindrance for women wanting to get married while it is an asset for men, according to a study by four British universities published in The Sunday Times newspaper.

The study found the likelihood of marriage increased by 35 percent for boys for each 16-point increase in IQ.
But for girls, there is a 40-percent drop for each 16-point rise, according to the survey by the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow.
The study is based on the IQs of 900 men and women between their 10th and 40th birthdays.
"Women in their late 30s who have gone for careers after the first flush of university and who are among the brightest of their generation are finding that men are just not interesting enough," said psychologist and professor at Nottingham University Paul Brown in The Sunday Times.

Claire Rayner, writer and broadcaster, said in the article that intelligent men often prefered a less brainy partner.
"A chap with a high IQ is going to get a demanding job that is going to take up a lot of his energy and time. In many ways he wants a woman who is an old-fashioned wife and looks after the home, a copy of his mum in a way."
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WTF??

So you're telling me i have two choices?
1) Pretend im a bimbo/housewife for the rest of my miserable, brain numbing, life to some dickwad who thinks that anna nicole smith is an enlightening conversationist.
2) wait a min... suddenly i think i've narrowed it down to one choice.

Well...unless..he's a jock who has endless stamina and is the world's greatest genius at being task focused....
Then again, in all entirety i'm probably delusional.

Darn. For a min, it explained confirmed certain suspicions about certain women. Muharhahahha!

Life in reel.

Sometimes when im in the middle of something, i feel like i'm in a movie. That instant when you're interrupted by a little something somethin' that you can't put your finger on.. You get this sense, this little voice ( just one thank you very much) inside that tells you that from this moment on, life is never going to be the same again.

I've had this feeling a few times before .. In kindergarten, when i was bawling by the door while my teacher emotionally blackmailed me.. In primary school after i got my PSLE results.. Various instances after i got sick of people, attitutues. This time is slightly different, a feeling that everything is going to be all right, and that i've got what it takes to weather life. Strangely nothing traumatic has happened, just a sense of enhanced well being, that 2005 will bring me to new awareness of myself. I understand that life is a life long discovery, but it never seemed this exciting to me before, and i truly understand when women tell me that hitting their 30's was the best thing that happened to them. You feel more confident of what you are, more sure of what you have to do, and what not to bother about.

The only thing i regret..is that to come to this level i had to leave a very large part of me behind. Being nice comes now with wariness, and being guarded seems to be a natural way of life. The human brain is a majestic thing, pushing the boundries seems like it was only ever the way to go, and remoulding your personality a snap. Selfishness is understandable now, when previously vows to never become a nasty adult was an unspoken motto. How do i mean when i say selfishness? In order to protect yourself, you harden to every one else.

My question- is does everyone have to go through this? And if it is unavoidable.. What has to be done?