your slightest look,
it seems will easily unclose me
though i try to close inwards
see nail marks on my palms
your softest word,
it seems will easily unloose me
though i try to pile layers
and read the book of psalms
writhing spirit,
who sees my intent?
who knows i'm a whore?
i've dreamt and i want more
my blood approves,
and imagination sings
then gravity my conscience remembers
i'm dashed upon barren ground
Thursday, March 09, 2006
You know when you hear people saying.. I just fell in love with this person i met? Or perhaps they might say that the other grew on them.
"I didn't love him at first, i slowly learnt what he was like, and loved him, for what he does, for what he is."
I'm not quite sure what men say, because i havn't head them say anything besides saying that a woman is beautiful. It's like for them, that sums up everything; all the virgin and harlot in her, all the fragility or strength they think they see.
But you know what i think? I think that what they see corresponds to a deep seated need in them. All the love stories i've ever heard, right from the very first one, have made me feel that in a sense i will know him. I know its blind, going by feeling alone, but look at the smiling recognition of the blind man when tracing a face with his hands.
What if people never really meet somewhere, or just find each other somewhere auspicious; They meet again. They're in each other, have been all along.
That's what i think.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Food and sex.
Pratunam for seafood, patpong for entertainment.
A few days before while we were planning our trip, i brought up tigershows, and how much i wanted to take a peek.. It was only when a frequent go-er pointed out that it was thai girl and not tiger, that i realised how much singaporean pronunciation has damned me. I worried how i would state my intentions in thai about wanting to see, assuming that the touts would only approach the men. Shouldn't have worried.
Once down from the cab, the narrow streets were nicely split into two sides.. Patpong night market on one side and...
On the left were a string of neon lit signs. I was a little surprised it was so direct.. I always imagined a small stage with a awe struck audience. We paused to take stock of the area, and this guy came up to us with a yellow card which had been badly laminated (it looked exactly like a menu from those zhi char coffee stalls). Dishes were numbered, all starting with "pussy" and ending with "cut banana, ping pong, darts..ect"
This guy was good. After telling him we wanted to look around (yeah, we were determined to find the best or most explicit show), he pouted, gave a little cute tantrum, and proceeded to follow us the length of the street as we checked out the rest of the goods. When i got over my shock of seeing so apparently straight a man act thusly, i was able to pay proper attention to what was going inside some of the bars. We ended up going back to the first one because the sign was the biggest and brightest. Lol.
We trudged up a flight of stairs, and i felt much, much better as i saw a couple go ahead of me. We passed a lady in a booth who had nothing to say to us, and entered the place after another flight.
As we walked in, i was conscious of the lights on my white shirt, and and how the girls stared as we walked in. I was particularly attracted to one girl, but she only danced in the background poles. The rest..argh. There were fat girls, skinny girls, ugly boys who tucked themselves in so they looked like girls, dark girls, only two who looked fair and seemed to be chinese, all in unappealing bikinis. The show started, and we learned quickly it didn't do any good to be overly enthusiastic to any one girl. Or to any girl for that matter.. We saw streams of endless lights being pulled out, darts which burst from a dart holder thingy held within. We got a bit conned, and had to buy one drink for the bottle opener chick, but what's a hundred baht, right? It's good to have have small change though, because any excess here is immediately taken as a tip.
Bottle opener girl, or nang, sat on my left. She was very polite, and actually had quite sweet features. After complimenting her on her act (c'mon, anyone who can do that infront of a roomful of voyeurs..). i tried to ease out some tidbits from her, but her answers were so well rehearsed. Armfuls of gesticulating were our means of understanding each other.
"How old are you, nang?"
She thinks for a min. "18." This is said with a cheeky smile. I think she's older.
"Do you like being on the stage?" I point up at the stage.
She smiles, nods, and i decide not to press the point.
She asks where we're from, how old i am. I tell her to guess, not wanting to indulge her.
I ask if the bottle cap act is painful. I manage this by pointing to her, the cap, and making ouch sounds with a questioning lilt to my voice. Feel plenty spastic, but its interesting to see what i can get out of her. She shakes her head. Apparently, she only trained 5 mins to do that, and i feel the urge to ask if she practices in a room with all the other girls, but thank god i don't.
She comes back to sit after her act, but my interest has waned so after only a smile, i concentrate on the stage. She gets the hint, and charmingly excuses herself with her palms pressed against each other, held nose level.
Towards the end of the night, im feeling tired. The thai businessman and his two caucasian counterparts on my left are with the girl who blew darts and specialises in tweezer tricks. She looks really young, and the thai man is patting her tummy as i look over. I hear the first caucasian, an obese man who looks latino complete with frizzy big hair, ask her if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend. The second caucasian man pinches his brows and looks away. A while later, i hear a shriek, and she springs up from the chair holding her bikini top against her arms. She puts it back on, and settles inbetween the men again. She's quieter from this time on. When she's back on the stage aiming her dart at a balloon the men are holding, i see the thai man looking intently, his mouth open and i can see his thoughts flashing across his face. The lights illuminating his expressions, the girl on her back, heaving her darts in different directions of the room. She still has her bikini bottom on, but i realise she looks even younger when she's lying down. Heavy disquiet seem to have an almost tangible hold now, and i leave.
As i walk out, the girls wave, and ask for tips which i wave aside. I walk in silence for awhile, immersing myself in the markets of patpong. It's elbow room only at this time, and i notice a blind man walking slowly through. His tin is pretty empty, and i think to myself that perhaps its because everyone else has spent all they have on piracy and sex.
Pratunam for seafood, patpong for entertainment.
A few days before while we were planning our trip, i brought up tigershows, and how much i wanted to take a peek.. It was only when a frequent go-er pointed out that it was thai girl and not tiger, that i realised how much singaporean pronunciation has damned me. I worried how i would state my intentions in thai about wanting to see, assuming that the touts would only approach the men. Shouldn't have worried.
Once down from the cab, the narrow streets were nicely split into two sides.. Patpong night market on one side and...
On the left were a string of neon lit signs. I was a little surprised it was so direct.. I always imagined a small stage with a awe struck audience. We paused to take stock of the area, and this guy came up to us with a yellow card which had been badly laminated (it looked exactly like a menu from those zhi char coffee stalls). Dishes were numbered, all starting with "pussy" and ending with "cut banana, ping pong, darts..ect"
This guy was good. After telling him we wanted to look around (yeah, we were determined to find the best or most explicit show), he pouted, gave a little cute tantrum, and proceeded to follow us the length of the street as we checked out the rest of the goods. When i got over my shock of seeing so apparently straight a man act thusly, i was able to pay proper attention to what was going inside some of the bars. We ended up going back to the first one because the sign was the biggest and brightest. Lol.
We trudged up a flight of stairs, and i felt much, much better as i saw a couple go ahead of me. We passed a lady in a booth who had nothing to say to us, and entered the place after another flight.
As we walked in, i was conscious of the lights on my white shirt, and and how the girls stared as we walked in. I was particularly attracted to one girl, but she only danced in the background poles. The rest..argh. There were fat girls, skinny girls, ugly boys who tucked themselves in so they looked like girls, dark girls, only two who looked fair and seemed to be chinese, all in unappealing bikinis. The show started, and we learned quickly it didn't do any good to be overly enthusiastic to any one girl. Or to any girl for that matter.. We saw streams of endless lights being pulled out, darts which burst from a dart holder thingy held within. We got a bit conned, and had to buy one drink for the bottle opener chick, but what's a hundred baht, right? It's good to have have small change though, because any excess here is immediately taken as a tip.
Bottle opener girl, or nang, sat on my left. She was very polite, and actually had quite sweet features. After complimenting her on her act (c'mon, anyone who can do that infront of a roomful of voyeurs..). i tried to ease out some tidbits from her, but her answers were so well rehearsed. Armfuls of gesticulating were our means of understanding each other.
"How old are you, nang?"
She thinks for a min. "18." This is said with a cheeky smile. I think she's older.
"Do you like being on the stage?" I point up at the stage.
She smiles, nods, and i decide not to press the point.
She asks where we're from, how old i am. I tell her to guess, not wanting to indulge her.
I ask if the bottle cap act is painful. I manage this by pointing to her, the cap, and making ouch sounds with a questioning lilt to my voice. Feel plenty spastic, but its interesting to see what i can get out of her. She shakes her head. Apparently, she only trained 5 mins to do that, and i feel the urge to ask if she practices in a room with all the other girls, but thank god i don't.
She comes back to sit after her act, but my interest has waned so after only a smile, i concentrate on the stage. She gets the hint, and charmingly excuses herself with her palms pressed against each other, held nose level.
Towards the end of the night, im feeling tired. The thai businessman and his two caucasian counterparts on my left are with the girl who blew darts and specialises in tweezer tricks. She looks really young, and the thai man is patting her tummy as i look over. I hear the first caucasian, an obese man who looks latino complete with frizzy big hair, ask her if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend. The second caucasian man pinches his brows and looks away. A while later, i hear a shriek, and she springs up from the chair holding her bikini top against her arms. She puts it back on, and settles inbetween the men again. She's quieter from this time on. When she's back on the stage aiming her dart at a balloon the men are holding, i see the thai man looking intently, his mouth open and i can see his thoughts flashing across his face. The lights illuminating his expressions, the girl on her back, heaving her darts in different directions of the room. She still has her bikini bottom on, but i realise she looks even younger when she's lying down. Heavy disquiet seem to have an almost tangible hold now, and i leave.
As i walk out, the girls wave, and ask for tips which i wave aside. I walk in silence for awhile, immersing myself in the markets of patpong. It's elbow room only at this time, and i notice a blind man walking slowly through. His tin is pretty empty, and i think to myself that perhaps its because everyone else has spent all they have on piracy and sex.
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