Listening to: Sleeping with butterflies
tori amos
I was really hungry in the middle of the night and the fridge beckoned. The hor fun scared me off, so i slunk to the litchen counter. Hot cross buns. Well cooled. It's good friday already?
Memories. We used to get our buns from the cold storage at the old Ikea in katong. I'd play in the room filled almost to the brim with balls. Memories.
The parents are off visiting churches the catholic way today. Spend a bit of time contemplating in each, light the candles, drive off to the next church. I used to enjoy going, enjoyed the silences, the gravity of the people around me. Then again, when i was a little girl all i wanted was to be a nun. I'd listen to my parents religious tapes with sermons and read their books. My mother wld tell her friends and colleagues with false exasperation, and not a bit of pride. My grandmother (nanny) let out that my father had entered a seminary when he was younger, but it didnt work out. Perhaps his daughter would make the family proud.
Once i hit secondary school and the heights of puppy love.. all thoughts of taking a vow of eternal chastity vanished :) Suffice to say, my father was disappointed. I stopped going to church for years. It was only the last few years that had me feeling like something was missing.
Now having had my fill of both catholic and christian churches, i have to make a choice. Do i fall back on comfort and tradition? Or do i let myself enter the world of spirit filled services that move me so much? Why can't there be both? Why must something always be lost, exchanged, or sacrificed when something new is found?
Then again- im not exactly a commited person. It's good friday. I don't feel anything really. Easter is just lunch and easter eggs. Isn't that a bad sign? What if there wasn't such a thing as a god, but only mass hysteria, or rites that help people connect to their inner selves and give explanations for almost everything? (yeah, we'll never find out because god will let us know in his own time .Uh huh.)
Men always were attracted to familiarity and immortality.
Believe and you'll never die
Never name your daughter after a virtue like hope, like charity, and especially chastity :) My name will always be my biggest trial. I don't think the pragmatist in me will ever let me have 'complete faith'. In all honesty ( kay, if i get struck by lightning you'll all know why), unless something happens.. Unless i get healed instantaneously, unless he physically picks me up and dangles me over hell.. unless i see his face or hear his voice.. Until then i reserve my all.
I can't help it. He didn't give me a good mind to blindly accept all i hear.
I want to use a MRI to see if speaking in tongues activates the language center or that area which we use to day dream. I want more explanations. I want fact.
But why do i get so touched sometimes then?
