I haven't been so upset at work for a long, long time.
On wednesday i spoke to one of the scientists at work, telling him i had to postphone today's meeting because of another trial's preperation. When i reached office today, Ly came to me asking me why i had gone straight to the scientist instead of letting her know my constraints. I explained, and she was skeptical. Demanded to know why i had cancelled the original meeting, demanded to know why i had to do it since it was all supposedly in the schedule. It was only when she bothered to use her remarkable intelligence, and went to JL for clarification that she realised what had really happened.. I hated every moment of her accusations, hated her guts for spilling everything out in the open, hated myself for being too surprised to do anything but explain politely.
More than getting angry, what i hate most is being hurt. It startles me, makes me feel vulnerable, and worse, makes my eyes smart. It makes me feel like im 10 again. Sher asks me to curse. I can't even get out that much, my throat is so tight with anger.
The restrictions wear me down so goddam much. I need space, creativity, room to manouver, and all i get are their bloody leashes.
Tired, tired, tired today. Have the protocol to go through, comments to forward to various people, tests to study for, and sgh to be at by tomorrow morning. BIG sigh. All i need are c's hands on my temples, massaging just for a min, just to tell me im doing okay, and that he'll stay awake with me. Small comforts are all i have left though, so i'll just have to be content with wading through the waiting piles of work.
