Listening to: Autograph
tears
On friday i made a decision, and now i have slightly more than a month left at nus.
How apt that my last post was one of transition. Has it been almost a year already?
A lightness of step, a release of tension from my shoulders and laughter that went on through the day. Tears as well, knowing that i'll be leaving new found people i've come to enjoy being with. God. Hopefully i don't cry when i leave.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Of settling
Listening to: Bad day
Daniel powter
Gave a impromtu mini tour to angel, and my workarea was an attraction on the way to dinner.
His expression was one of shock- He couldn't believe i had been at the same place for so long without leaving any sign of "me" on my desk. No pictures, no cutesy girly identifiers ( i'm not that kind of girl), no mess.. in short- Nothing. Of course i had the usual trays and assorted papers in a stack, but i had left no mark; if not for my handwriting on an article lying around, he would never guessed it was mine.
"No personality", i retorted.
When i first moved into my little area by the window, i had a gazillion things i wanted to do to pretty up the area. They never came to fruition. I was musing a little, and it's true that it takes a long time for me to want to personalize anything. Of course i love an area that i can call mine, and my privacy is tantamount to sacred , but I always feel like i'm passing by, that soon the urge to move will strike and less belongings will make it easier to relocate. Also, the more things you display, the more people will be able to analyse you. What? Call me anal, but it's true.
The same goes for everything else. I know once i start to feel at home, soon everything will be one big mess, and the cleaning up will be shite.
Sometimes it's easier to compartmentalise. I'm just a lazy emotional vagabond :)
Daniel powter
Gave a impromtu mini tour to angel, and my workarea was an attraction on the way to dinner.
His expression was one of shock- He couldn't believe i had been at the same place for so long without leaving any sign of "me" on my desk. No pictures, no cutesy girly identifiers ( i'm not that kind of girl), no mess.. in short- Nothing. Of course i had the usual trays and assorted papers in a stack, but i had left no mark; if not for my handwriting on an article lying around, he would never guessed it was mine.
"No personality", i retorted.
When i first moved into my little area by the window, i had a gazillion things i wanted to do to pretty up the area. They never came to fruition. I was musing a little, and it's true that it takes a long time for me to want to personalize anything. Of course i love an area that i can call mine, and my privacy is tantamount to sacred , but I always feel like i'm passing by, that soon the urge to move will strike and less belongings will make it easier to relocate. Also, the more things you display, the more people will be able to analyse you. What? Call me anal, but it's true.
The same goes for everything else. I know once i start to feel at home, soon everything will be one big mess, and the cleaning up will be shite.
Sometimes it's easier to compartmentalise. I'm just a lazy emotional vagabond :)
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Pringles when you need a salt boost
The anticipation of the trip ahead when the plane takes off
Being able to sit in a car in p.j's and being bought whatever i need. Just sit and jaga the music dial, princess.
Listening to palm leaves rustling on a cool night along the shores.
Being hugged when you least expect it.
Making a baby smile
simply sleeping with that someone you trust and know
Of moments simple
these are the ones i like best
Of stolen laughter
My mind is in the gutter. What would you think if you heard these?
*1*
Rushing along the corridoor one morning, i spotted J with a cabinet which had been overturned. I called out to him with greeting and asked him what he was doing. Brandishing a screwdriver, he innocently replied," I'm screwing! Very tiring. "
*2*
Overheard from the corridoor while with a subject. Our lab tech was talking loudly to one of the nurses in the room while i was with a subject. She was supposed to take someone's blood.
" Aye, Mr I is waiting in the room waiting for you to suck him!"
Crude, but sometimes when you're stressed, small things set you off.
*3*
A reply to me while offering someone a male friend a seat. This time i had my mind dumped back in the gutter. Not my fault.
"No thanks, i think best standing up"
I must have had a pretty spaced out look on my face because he added the next line worriedly.
"Erm, no pun intended ok?"
*1*
Rushing along the corridoor one morning, i spotted J with a cabinet which had been overturned. I called out to him with greeting and asked him what he was doing. Brandishing a screwdriver, he innocently replied," I'm screwing! Very tiring. "
*2*
Overheard from the corridoor while with a subject. Our lab tech was talking loudly to one of the nurses in the room while i was with a subject. She was supposed to take someone's blood.
" Aye, Mr I is waiting in the room waiting for you to suck him!"
Crude, but sometimes when you're stressed, small things set you off.
*3*
A reply to me while offering someone a male friend a seat. This time i had my mind dumped back in the gutter. Not my fault.
"No thanks, i think best standing up"
I must have had a pretty spaced out look on my face because he added the next line worriedly.
"Erm, no pun intended ok?"
Of heroes and shrews
Listening to: Mariah Carey
We belong together
Last week spawned a whole new chapter in humiliation, workwise.
The investigator for my two studies is a physician who is reknowned for his curtness, directness and impatience. If you have have something to say to him, you damned well better get your rationale and facts right, BEFORE you go to him with issues. Mincing around with words simply isn't his style. Let's call him baby blues, because he has one of the most penetrating looks i have seen. I've never been afraid of him, and i've even felt a little affinity with him strangely. I sense a softening in him whenever he talks to me, and he has never snapped at me, or spoken a harsh word. Thank god for small mercies in my unit, i certainly need them. He's always running around, finding him in the office is like a treasure hunt. I've even resorted to waiting outside the loo on a tip from a patient. He was surprised, yes, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
In one of my routine visits to hunt him down for documentation issues, i was asked to bring with me a question pertaining to one of my subjects. To cut a long story short, he said he would get back to me on the issue. He also asked whose question it was and i told him that it was a collective decision formed by the team after discussion. When asked what i thought of the question, i shrugged and said that as this was my first study, if i received advice which was better than my own decisions i would consider them. To my flushingly great chargrin, my team leader came to me in the afternoon. B.blues had stalked to her desk after my visit to him (deigning to come into our staff office) and demanded to have a talk with her.
Apparently he guessed, correctly, that my earlier question to him had come from her. Frustrated because he thought he had been through the same issues with her, he had come to 'straighten out a few issues'. He told her off, telling her that as protocol leader i should be given more leeway in my work and not have to be a messenger for her.
To his credit, he's observant and nothing if not sharp. Managment style is overbearing, to say the least. But going behind my back and telling her this? Even if i needed a knight, i'd not find one in my work place. Torn between anger and remembering he was trying to be nice, i decided not to say anything to him just yet.
That's not the worst bit. Abovementioned team leader (TL) sent off a scathing mail to him, cc'ing it to his manager and my big boss. In it she stated that he was unreasonable to his staff among other things. My name was in it.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Are they not capable of settling grudges and talking to each other in a civil and mature manner? For fuck's sake.
i'm so bloody mortified. For the rest of the week i couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. He probably thinks im an ungrateful bitch. Spoke to him today, i felt like he wanted to ask me what the mail was about, but sher was around, and he settled for a work conversation instead. I looked into his eyes, and there was nothing there except a tiredness and tightness around his eyes.
Screw managment. Screw emotional women bosses and screw men who think they have to have heroes!
We belong together
Last week spawned a whole new chapter in humiliation, workwise.
The investigator for my two studies is a physician who is reknowned for his curtness, directness and impatience. If you have have something to say to him, you damned well better get your rationale and facts right, BEFORE you go to him with issues. Mincing around with words simply isn't his style. Let's call him baby blues, because he has one of the most penetrating looks i have seen. I've never been afraid of him, and i've even felt a little affinity with him strangely. I sense a softening in him whenever he talks to me, and he has never snapped at me, or spoken a harsh word. Thank god for small mercies in my unit, i certainly need them. He's always running around, finding him in the office is like a treasure hunt. I've even resorted to waiting outside the loo on a tip from a patient. He was surprised, yes, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
In one of my routine visits to hunt him down for documentation issues, i was asked to bring with me a question pertaining to one of my subjects. To cut a long story short, he said he would get back to me on the issue. He also asked whose question it was and i told him that it was a collective decision formed by the team after discussion. When asked what i thought of the question, i shrugged and said that as this was my first study, if i received advice which was better than my own decisions i would consider them. To my flushingly great chargrin, my team leader came to me in the afternoon. B.blues had stalked to her desk after my visit to him (deigning to come into our staff office) and demanded to have a talk with her.
Apparently he guessed, correctly, that my earlier question to him had come from her. Frustrated because he thought he had been through the same issues with her, he had come to 'straighten out a few issues'. He told her off, telling her that as protocol leader i should be given more leeway in my work and not have to be a messenger for her.
To his credit, he's observant and nothing if not sharp. Managment style is overbearing, to say the least. But going behind my back and telling her this? Even if i needed a knight, i'd not find one in my work place. Torn between anger and remembering he was trying to be nice, i decided not to say anything to him just yet.
That's not the worst bit. Abovementioned team leader (TL) sent off a scathing mail to him, cc'ing it to his manager and my big boss. In it she stated that he was unreasonable to his staff among other things. My name was in it.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Are they not capable of settling grudges and talking to each other in a civil and mature manner? For fuck's sake.
i'm so bloody mortified. For the rest of the week i couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. He probably thinks im an ungrateful bitch. Spoke to him today, i felt like he wanted to ask me what the mail was about, but sher was around, and he settled for a work conversation instead. I looked into his eyes, and there was nothing there except a tiredness and tightness around his eyes.
Screw managment. Screw emotional women bosses and screw men who think they have to have heroes!
Monday, June 06, 2005
Of floozies.
I had a hunch this would happen. Went to work at 7.30am only to find i have the day off. So that's from the east to Buona Vista, and from the bloody hospital to the east again. I'd map it out but Picassa/Hello does't seem to want to play with me today.
Get with it, faith, get with the damn program already.
On the other hand a little fun when the rest are working wouldn't be remiss :)
Get with it, faith, get with the damn program already.
On the other hand a little fun when the rest are working wouldn't be remiss :)
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Of surprises.
Listening to: Carnaval
lisa ono
I love, love surprises. Me and the rest of the population of women. We're female like that. Occasionally though, i get a surprise that makes my toes curl, and the rest of me want to hurl.
I noticed a rather traumatised envelope on the dining room table the other day. After eyeballing it, i decide to pick it up, and give it a more thorough visual molest. Turning the envelope over to the front after staring at tattered backing, i noted the american stamps, and after a long silent moment, my name. That wasn't the most interesting bit though. The year the postal services had stamped on the letter? 1997.
I felt terrible. The letter had come, albeit a little late, but it had. And i had doubted. The letter was written in touching earnestness, asking me to do adolescentish things. Write back. Think of him. Wait for him. Did i want the pictures? Do i have a boy friend? I placed a hand on my churning tum and closed my eyes to picture the gangly writer. Earnest.
Damn. This is a bit much. And what happened to delay it's arrival so? Still. Courtesy demands a reply. Perhaps when im 32 i'll get a reply.
i miss earnestness.
lisa ono
I love, love surprises. Me and the rest of the population of women. We're female like that. Occasionally though, i get a surprise that makes my toes curl, and the rest of me want to hurl.
I noticed a rather traumatised envelope on the dining room table the other day. After eyeballing it, i decide to pick it up, and give it a more thorough visual molest. Turning the envelope over to the front after staring at tattered backing, i noted the american stamps, and after a long silent moment, my name. That wasn't the most interesting bit though. The year the postal services had stamped on the letter? 1997.
I felt terrible. The letter had come, albeit a little late, but it had. And i had doubted. The letter was written in touching earnestness, asking me to do adolescentish things. Write back. Think of him. Wait for him. Did i want the pictures? Do i have a boy friend? I placed a hand on my churning tum and closed my eyes to picture the gangly writer. Earnest.
Damn. This is a bit much. And what happened to delay it's arrival so? Still. Courtesy demands a reply. Perhaps when im 32 i'll get a reply.
i miss earnestness.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Of love of simplicity
Listening to: World
new order
While deciding whether to skewer fish or rip shrimp, i turned to look at what fi had pointed out. What i saw made me smile, and was alot more notice worthy than the saddam look alike i had leered (not the right word, but we'll move on) at a table behind. To my left was a table with 3 rather young children, one still in a high chair. In between telling the oldest to shuddup, and the others to eat up, the parents were talking to each other in a language all their own. Under the table, where no one should have noticed, a little mutual.. footsie was taking place.
I smiled. Hope for all the jaded lovers after all.
new order
While deciding whether to skewer fish or rip shrimp, i turned to look at what fi had pointed out. What i saw made me smile, and was alot more notice worthy than the saddam look alike i had leered (not the right word, but we'll move on) at a table behind. To my left was a table with 3 rather young children, one still in a high chair. In between telling the oldest to shuddup, and the others to eat up, the parents were talking to each other in a language all their own. Under the table, where no one should have noticed, a little mutual.. footsie was taking place.
I smiled. Hope for all the jaded lovers after all.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Of depths.
Listening to: the special two
missy higgins
I'm singing in the rain,
Just singing in the rain,
What a glorious feeling I know.
Glorious rain, the sweetness of the sound of cascading drops, pelting down hard on my windows. I'm always happy when it pours. Even an overcast sky turns a weekday a holiday. I've always had a fascination with water; large expanses of seas, small reflections on puddles. It's always good. I never wear mascara anyway, and i'm not averse to running through the rain. I never did maintain a glamorous image anyway.
One of my first memories.. I must have been 3 or 4. I learnt how to swim before i hit kindergarten. The father had left me on the steps of the adult pool to get a little something something. Being the fool girl that i was and still am, i decided to take a little unassisted walk into the cool blue of the pool. A baby step at a time, i walked. Slowly because of my stubby legs (some things never change), calmly because i was too young to panic even when my nose was below the water; I continued to the pool floor, and i remember.. I remember.. looking around at everyone's legs, eyes wide. I felt no distress at all. In my naviete, i breathed in. I wasn't in the slightest discomfort. There was a feeling of immense calm, the muffled gurgles of distorted sounds you get when your ears are in the water, a warm feeling of being cloaked in.. comfort. The next thing i remember was being hauled up by my arm painfully, and staring at my dad in confusion, wondering why he was so flustered. I'm pretty sure it didn't last for more than a minute, but it felt like a private eternity of deja vu.
Another memory. In a living room. No parents, siblings in church, hormones in a tizzy(some things never change), whispers amid my manic giggles.. Our warped conversation, of my dares and your promises.. Into the garden we walked barefooted and with my hand in yours, a slight drizzle adding to my goose pimples. To the pool we ran, looking out for the neighbours over their high wall. Once again i was carried down the steps, as in my toddlerhood. I swear i never felt cold even as the sodden cloth of my clothes left me, all wrapped up in the shine of your eyes as i was. I was drawing a parallel even as you moved nearer to me. This time i wasn't just submerged in the deep waters of a pool, but so much more.
To draw parallels in life from even the most basic and mundane happenstance. Whether 23 or 6 years ago, they strike at the most awkward and incongruous of times. Someone mentioned he was a karang guni of belongings. I guess that would make me an equally avid collector, but of memories.
How long will this written memory last online? Will someone stumble upon it when i've all but forgotten this blog? Will whatever inadequate read i've provided here spark off someone else's memories? An unwritten, unquantified meme.
Carl jung maintained that all consciousness and symbology is a collective one. Is it possible that we all feed off the exact same stream of emotions, the same niagara's of bliss, the same pale dredges from the deep?
When i think about this, i don't feel quite so much like a legal alien anymore.
missy higgins
I'm singing in the rain,
Just singing in the rain,
What a glorious feeling I know.
Glorious rain, the sweetness of the sound of cascading drops, pelting down hard on my windows. I'm always happy when it pours. Even an overcast sky turns a weekday a holiday. I've always had a fascination with water; large expanses of seas, small reflections on puddles. It's always good. I never wear mascara anyway, and i'm not averse to running through the rain. I never did maintain a glamorous image anyway.
One of my first memories.. I must have been 3 or 4. I learnt how to swim before i hit kindergarten. The father had left me on the steps of the adult pool to get a little something something. Being the fool girl that i was and still am, i decided to take a little unassisted walk into the cool blue of the pool. A baby step at a time, i walked. Slowly because of my stubby legs (some things never change), calmly because i was too young to panic even when my nose was below the water; I continued to the pool floor, and i remember.. I remember.. looking around at everyone's legs, eyes wide. I felt no distress at all. In my naviete, i breathed in. I wasn't in the slightest discomfort. There was a feeling of immense calm, the muffled gurgles of distorted sounds you get when your ears are in the water, a warm feeling of being cloaked in.. comfort. The next thing i remember was being hauled up by my arm painfully, and staring at my dad in confusion, wondering why he was so flustered. I'm pretty sure it didn't last for more than a minute, but it felt like a private eternity of deja vu.
Another memory. In a living room. No parents, siblings in church, hormones in a tizzy(some things never change), whispers amid my manic giggles.. Our warped conversation, of my dares and your promises.. Into the garden we walked barefooted and with my hand in yours, a slight drizzle adding to my goose pimples. To the pool we ran, looking out for the neighbours over their high wall. Once again i was carried down the steps, as in my toddlerhood. I swear i never felt cold even as the sodden cloth of my clothes left me, all wrapped up in the shine of your eyes as i was. I was drawing a parallel even as you moved nearer to me. This time i wasn't just submerged in the deep waters of a pool, but so much more.
To draw parallels in life from even the most basic and mundane happenstance. Whether 23 or 6 years ago, they strike at the most awkward and incongruous of times. Someone mentioned he was a karang guni of belongings. I guess that would make me an equally avid collector, but of memories.
How long will this written memory last online? Will someone stumble upon it when i've all but forgotten this blog? Will whatever inadequate read i've provided here spark off someone else's memories? An unwritten, unquantified meme.
Carl jung maintained that all consciousness and symbology is a collective one. Is it possible that we all feed off the exact same stream of emotions, the same niagara's of bliss, the same pale dredges from the deep?
When i think about this, i don't feel quite so much like a legal alien anymore.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Of expectations, great.. and small.
Listening to: Sympathethique
Costes la suite
Had to pop into office today for another subject, and had a little talk with him while we were waiting for his bloods to fill the little vacuum tubes that were nicely arrayed on my tray.
There, in the semi-sterile environment, with dimmed lights and steady hum of the machinery for backdrop, we talked of his wives, girlfriends and his present post of a big honcho for an automobile bigwig company.
"It's all about managing your expectations and priorities. Never settle, never assume".
His words, although simple, have been with me since this afternoon. I've maintained that as my own private motto for a large bit of my life. A simple thing to remember, but never easy to stomach. I've practiced it to such an extent, that it's now first nature for me to compartmentalise. We discuss, i take. A transaction, nothing more, nothing less. I'll only take something, anything, if it's been shaken into me; in the rare instances that i've given in, and asked.. when it was withheld from me i felt doubly ashamed. And now- i never make the same mistake. Flayed with the embarrassment of seeming weak, who ever said that negative reinforcement didn't make one learn was asexual as well as a frigid academic.
So now, sans expectations on others, and too many on myself, i stumble along. Raising my eyes to look at that passer by might be my undoing, and so i lower them again to concentrate on the road most travelled.
Don't expect. Don't assume.
Never want.
Costes la suite
Had to pop into office today for another subject, and had a little talk with him while we were waiting for his bloods to fill the little vacuum tubes that were nicely arrayed on my tray.
There, in the semi-sterile environment, with dimmed lights and steady hum of the machinery for backdrop, we talked of his wives, girlfriends and his present post of a big honcho for an automobile bigwig company.
"It's all about managing your expectations and priorities. Never settle, never assume".
His words, although simple, have been with me since this afternoon. I've maintained that as my own private motto for a large bit of my life. A simple thing to remember, but never easy to stomach. I've practiced it to such an extent, that it's now first nature for me to compartmentalise. We discuss, i take. A transaction, nothing more, nothing less. I'll only take something, anything, if it's been shaken into me; in the rare instances that i've given in, and asked.. when it was withheld from me i felt doubly ashamed. And now- i never make the same mistake. Flayed with the embarrassment of seeming weak, who ever said that negative reinforcement didn't make one learn was asexual as well as a frigid academic.
So now, sans expectations on others, and too many on myself, i stumble along. Raising my eyes to look at that passer by might be my undoing, and so i lower them again to concentrate on the road most travelled.
Don't expect. Don't assume.
Never want.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Of unease.
Listening to: Walking with a ghost
tegan and sara
I can't put my finger on it.
Made arrangements for the scope today. I think.. company is not needed. It's not that important and fussing over small things annoy the hell out of me. Sorry, make that irritate the Fuck out of me. Snapped at the mother for reminding me to make the appts. If she knew i had to do the scope, she'd flip, and i don't feel like discussing this with her.
What worries me the most- My lethargy. It worries me because unlike anything else, this is tangible, and can be felt, can be observed. Im so tired by the end of a work day. My head spins after a fast walk. I realise that no matter how much i sleep during the day, i can still rest at night. Easily.
So terribly tired. Tired of hearing of all the things people go through. Tired of hearing them talk of their own personal hell. What kind of place is this, that has mostly broken people walking around?
tegan and sara
I can't put my finger on it.
Made arrangements for the scope today. I think.. company is not needed. It's not that important and fussing over small things annoy the hell out of me. Sorry, make that irritate the Fuck out of me. Snapped at the mother for reminding me to make the appts. If she knew i had to do the scope, she'd flip, and i don't feel like discussing this with her.
What worries me the most- My lethargy. It worries me because unlike anything else, this is tangible, and can be felt, can be observed. Im so tired by the end of a work day. My head spins after a fast walk. I realise that no matter how much i sleep during the day, i can still rest at night. Easily.
So terribly tired. Tired of hearing of all the things people go through. Tired of hearing them talk of their own personal hell. What kind of place is this, that has mostly broken people walking around?
Of criminalistic behaviour.
Listening to: Before i forget
slipknot
I'm worried what's going to slip my mind next.
Went for thosai at this little place opposite the bukit timah reserve. A little stretch of coffeshops, all mostly occupied. We sat down, i took forever to choose. We ordered, we waited, and we talked. Wonderfully balmy night, with conversation and night breezes. Laughing because a guy at the table introduced himself as V.J, only it sounded more like B.j.
The threads of conversation continued, we got up, walked, and plonked down again somewhere else to fan them to greater heights. It was only when i was back home, in the middle of my bath, thinking of the evening, that something hit me on my soapy head. I didn't pay. Oh god. We didn't pay for dinner.
Oops.
slipknot
I'm worried what's going to slip my mind next.
Went for thosai at this little place opposite the bukit timah reserve. A little stretch of coffeshops, all mostly occupied. We sat down, i took forever to choose. We ordered, we waited, and we talked. Wonderfully balmy night, with conversation and night breezes. Laughing because a guy at the table introduced himself as V.J, only it sounded more like B.j.
The threads of conversation continued, we got up, walked, and plonked down again somewhere else to fan them to greater heights. It was only when i was back home, in the middle of my bath, thinking of the evening, that something hit me on my soapy head. I didn't pay. Oh god. We didn't pay for dinner.
Oops.
Monday, May 23, 2005
As tinky winky would say.. Again!
Your Dominant Thinking Style: |
| Modifying Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability. |
Your Secondary Thinking Style: |
| Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum. |
Of incapacitation.
Seeing as i'm pretty much useless for anything today, i've taken to equally useless online tests :)
Onward!
Where would we all be without light sabers, hmm?
Onward!
| Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line |
 "Feel the force!" |
Where would we all be without light sabers, hmm?
Of pains in the neck.
Damn.
My neck is still killing me. I can't look down or turn my head in the slightest, and anything that involves using my shoulder muscles makes me that much more nauseous. I can't even have a lie down because every position except ramrod straight involves pain.
I need a massage. A good one. A professional one. I need large hands. The nice girls who normally tend the spa have bitty hands, and the pressure isn't distributed enough for me because they compensate for small palms with strength. I need.. a gay masseur.
Preferbly if they have nice arms and are shirtless. Therapy indeed.
Rowwwl.
..Much later..
I was reading the newspapers, when i realised that my nose had been itching for some time. After much tracing, i decided to blame the papers . Not such a difficult thing since i noticed my fingers were grubby with newspaper ink. Trudging to the bathroom, i discovered i couldn't quite lift my arms enough, or bend my head down adequately to the sink to wash my whole face. What to do.. Just wash the nose lor.
Sigh.
My neck is still killing me. I can't look down or turn my head in the slightest, and anything that involves using my shoulder muscles makes me that much more nauseous. I can't even have a lie down because every position except ramrod straight involves pain.
I need a massage. A good one. A professional one. I need large hands. The nice girls who normally tend the spa have bitty hands, and the pressure isn't distributed enough for me because they compensate for small palms with strength. I need.. a gay masseur.
Preferbly if they have nice arms and are shirtless. Therapy indeed.
Rowwwl.
..Much later..
I was reading the newspapers, when i realised that my nose had been itching for some time. After much tracing, i decided to blame the papers . Not such a difficult thing since i noticed my fingers were grubby with newspaper ink. Trudging to the bathroom, i discovered i couldn't quite lift my arms enough, or bend my head down adequately to the sink to wash my whole face. What to do.. Just wash the nose lor.
Sigh.
Of dirty fingers and much licking of lips.
There are a few things that evoke a real and passionate response in the usually apathethic me. They are, in an order of randomness, these:
- Issues pertaining to those who are unable to take a stand for themselves.
- Various hedonistic pursuits of which i shall not go into at this point
- Beauty and luxury of any kind
and
- The sweet, sweet lure of.. cho-co-late. *shudders*
There are few foods that people feel as passionate about -- a passion that goes beyond a love for the "sweetness" of most candies or desserts. It's more than an after dinner mint, more than a coating that melts in my mouth, and in my hands. After all, what other little smidgen or nugget could get me needy in 5 seconds flat from the word "want"? It's a prelude to more, to satiety of senses, to getting my fingers slick, and to low mumurings of pleasure. I've had it as a bribe, a reward, and a form of pleasure in its every form ;p
I love getting chocolate from boutiques. Nothing compares to getting your little mouthfuls of shudders in something shiny. Whether the box, or the ribbons that i love to untie, whether gold, or silver, it's all good. Terribly good really. As any chocoholic worth his cocoa will tell you, after abstinence it's orgasmic even.
That's all well and good. But why does chocolate make me feel so terribly good? More than just a sugar high surely. One of the most pleasant effects of eating chocolate is the "good feeling" that many people experience after indulging. Chocolate contains more than 300 known chemicals.
Caffeine is the most well known of these chemical ingredients, and while it's present in chocolate, it can only be found in small quantities. Theobromine, a weak stimulant, is also present, in slightly higher amounts. The combination of these two chemicals (and possibly others) may provide the "lift" that chocolate eaters experience.
Phenylethylamine is also found in chocolate. It's related to amphetamines, which are strong stimulants. All of these stimulants increase the activity of neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) in parts of the brain that control our ability to pay attention and stay alert.
There are other chemicals, and more effects, but the above are the only ones which have truly been proven. And now the time has come to end this post so i can go raid my stash of anti-depressants cum aphrosadiacs.. MmmMMm.
I live to learn.
Listening to: Giving you up
kylie minogue
The importance of having a good grasp of the english language, and having never to stop learning? Imperative. I learnt a new word the day before.
Fucktard.
The first half of the word- fuck.
Pronunciation: 'f&k
Function: verb
Etymology: akin to Dutch fokken to breed (cattle),
Swedish dialect fokka to copulate
The second half stems from the word retard.
Pronunciation: ri-'tärd
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin;
Middle French retarder,
from Latin retardare,
from re- + tardus slow
Ahh..The beauty of a rounded education.
kylie minogue
The importance of having a good grasp of the english language, and having never to stop learning? Imperative. I learnt a new word the day before.
Fucktard.
The first half of the word- fuck.
Pronunciation: 'f&k
Function: verb
Etymology: akin to Dutch fokken to breed (cattle),
Swedish dialect fokka to copulate
The second half stems from the word retard.
Pronunciation: ri-'tärd
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin;
Middle French retarder,
from Latin retardare,
from re- + tardus slow
Ahh..The beauty of a rounded education.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Of restlessness and heat
So BLOODY warm these few days.
I scurry from teh car to office, from office to the car, into whatever air conditioning i can get. I refused to meet a friend in the afternoon because i was busy hiding behind my curtained windows which, not incidentally, were cool from an internal room temperature of 25 degrees.
Was so disappinted last night there was no welwet. Of course there will be other times, of course you don't have to go with them you say.. I don't. But to me ,the shared companionship of colleagues was something i wanted, particularly after the past few weeks of being so drained. There's nothing quite like misery shared. Shall request for blueskies to remove my link. Methinks my writing will be getting more personal in the days to come.
Was feeling a little moody today, headed to the reef for some sea breeze, drinks and fresh air khaki'ship. We were talking about seriously re-locating. Her reasons? A better life away from the race, better prospects. In between stabbing at the fat, oily.. weiners on my plate, i explained i didn't, and have never particularly liked it here. "What makes you think you'll like it better any where else?" she asked. I don't know. All the times i've travelled, i've always felt a lightness of step, and not simply because i love room service.
I scurry from teh car to office, from office to the car, into whatever air conditioning i can get. I refused to meet a friend in the afternoon because i was busy hiding behind my curtained windows which, not incidentally, were cool from an internal room temperature of 25 degrees.
Was so disappinted last night there was no welwet. Of course there will be other times, of course you don't have to go with them you say.. I don't. But to me ,the shared companionship of colleagues was something i wanted, particularly after the past few weeks of being so drained. There's nothing quite like misery shared. Shall request for blueskies to remove my link. Methinks my writing will be getting more personal in the days to come.
Was feeling a little moody today, headed to the reef for some sea breeze, drinks and fresh air khaki'ship. We were talking about seriously re-locating. Her reasons? A better life away from the race, better prospects. In between stabbing at the fat, oily.. weiners on my plate, i explained i didn't, and have never particularly liked it here. "What makes you think you'll like it better any where else?" she asked. I don't know. All the times i've travelled, i've always felt a lightness of step, and not simply because i love room service.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
In perspective
Had a dear friend who was involved in an accident today on the ECP.
When all was said and done, no one was injured, and for that i am eternally grateful.. Im pretty phobic about driving, and again i have to nag, telling people to be careful, not to tail gate, yada yada yada. People- the worst part isn't the dying, it's who you leave behind after you do, if you do.
I remember observing a little private scene back in the SICU.. I was looking after a young girl, barely 20. She was the pillion rider, and her other half had come to visit her. Fate being the usual morbid bitch that she is, had let him off with only scrapes and a bandaged arm. The little girl? She had 2 chest tubes, a fractured pelvis, ruptured spleen, one leg was smashed and i really can't remember what happened to her arms. I remember her coming in during my night and being subjected to the various invasive procedures.. I remember cringing- she whimpered as the various needles slid into various bits of her simultaneously. Too weak to move her hands to stop the surgeons, but alert enough for me to hear her whisper the word "stop".
When her boyfriend came to visit her later, i'll never forget the slowing of his steps as he realised the bandaged up little person was his girl. He simple rested his forehead on the glassdoor, hands at his sides while he sobbed.
She didn't make it through the next day if you're interested to know.
It's hard to witness these things. I've always been a little sheepish when i tell people i don't drive, but do they know why? God forbid. If i ever wreck someone, i would never want to feel the anguish of life long guilt.
When all was said and done, no one was injured, and for that i am eternally grateful.. Im pretty phobic about driving, and again i have to nag, telling people to be careful, not to tail gate, yada yada yada. People- the worst part isn't the dying, it's who you leave behind after you do, if you do.
I remember observing a little private scene back in the SICU.. I was looking after a young girl, barely 20. She was the pillion rider, and her other half had come to visit her. Fate being the usual morbid bitch that she is, had let him off with only scrapes and a bandaged arm. The little girl? She had 2 chest tubes, a fractured pelvis, ruptured spleen, one leg was smashed and i really can't remember what happened to her arms. I remember her coming in during my night and being subjected to the various invasive procedures.. I remember cringing- she whimpered as the various needles slid into various bits of her simultaneously. Too weak to move her hands to stop the surgeons, but alert enough for me to hear her whisper the word "stop".
When her boyfriend came to visit her later, i'll never forget the slowing of his steps as he realised the bandaged up little person was his girl. He simple rested his forehead on the glassdoor, hands at his sides while he sobbed.
She didn't make it through the next day if you're interested to know.
It's hard to witness these things. I've always been a little sheepish when i tell people i don't drive, but do they know why? God forbid. If i ever wreck someone, i would never want to feel the anguish of life long guilt.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I am going to..
RANT!!
Sometimes the sheer arrogance of people is eye popping. Vertigo causing. Stroke inducing. Gag reflexing. Awe inspiring even.
This morning i was in the dining room reading the newspaper, and i heard my phone going off in my bedroom upstairs. Being too lazy to run up the stairs like the lazy ass that i am, i let it ring. The second time i heard it, i exhaled deeply and went to check. Might be urgent right? Yeah. 3 missed calls, and all from Mr [H][K][S]. Wonder what's up? This guy has been calling me, and due to various reasons, i've either missed his calls or been unable to receive them because he likes to call me during office hours. Strangely, all the times that i've called back, he's never answered. And he NEVER, EVER picks up his phone at night. He'll ask to use msn, or he'll say that his phone is being charged. I stopped being too friendly because i had my suspicions. But i digress. At this point, im merely curious. Then i get the sms.
"My gf would like it if you could stop calling and sms'ing me. Thank you."
I stare in disbelief. What? Waitamin. Right person? Was this from his "gf" or himself? I stare and stare and stare. UNbelievable. The last few weeks, i've really not been answering his calls. Not because i don't want to, but people do have lives. And i call back only to ask what he wants. But he NEVER answers. Of course after a while i get fed up and get slack about answering and returning his calls.
I get a voice mail. It's the same msg. The Frikkin ARROGANCE!! He has the TEMERITY to msg me this rubbish, then leaves a SECOND msg asking me not to call him like im a desperate school girl?? When i almost NEVER called him of my own accord for a long long time and can scarcely remember the last time i msged him??
OMG- my eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head, and i can feel my entire body going red. I send off msgs asking his gf to check his outgoing calls to me. They're definitely going to exceed my incoming. Check the dates why don't you. You'll find that most of my calls occur after his, on said days. Have something to say? Call me. I've always been an advocate of straight forwardness in some matters. Why, oh why, do some people think they're 100% more desirable than they actually are?
Boy- stick to the nice car . You need it.
Sometimes the sheer arrogance of people is eye popping. Vertigo causing. Stroke inducing. Gag reflexing. Awe inspiring even.
This morning i was in the dining room reading the newspaper, and i heard my phone going off in my bedroom upstairs. Being too lazy to run up the stairs like the lazy ass that i am, i let it ring. The second time i heard it, i exhaled deeply and went to check. Might be urgent right? Yeah. 3 missed calls, and all from Mr [H][K][S]. Wonder what's up? This guy has been calling me, and due to various reasons, i've either missed his calls or been unable to receive them because he likes to call me during office hours. Strangely, all the times that i've called back, he's never answered. And he NEVER, EVER picks up his phone at night. He'll ask to use msn, or he'll say that his phone is being charged. I stopped being too friendly because i had my suspicions. But i digress. At this point, im merely curious. Then i get the sms.
"My gf would like it if you could stop calling and sms'ing me. Thank you."
I stare in disbelief. What? Waitamin. Right person? Was this from his "gf" or himself? I stare and stare and stare. UNbelievable. The last few weeks, i've really not been answering his calls. Not because i don't want to, but people do have lives. And i call back only to ask what he wants. But he NEVER answers. Of course after a while i get fed up and get slack about answering and returning his calls.
I get a voice mail. It's the same msg. The Frikkin ARROGANCE!! He has the TEMERITY to msg me this rubbish, then leaves a SECOND msg asking me not to call him like im a desperate school girl?? When i almost NEVER called him of my own accord for a long long time and can scarcely remember the last time i msged him??
OMG- my eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head, and i can feel my entire body going red. I send off msgs asking his gf to check his outgoing calls to me. They're definitely going to exceed my incoming. Check the dates why don't you. You'll find that most of my calls occur after his, on said days. Have something to say? Call me. I've always been an advocate of straight forwardness in some matters. Why, oh why, do some people think they're 100% more desirable than they actually are?
Boy- stick to the nice car . You need it.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Quiet.
Pensive pensive pensive.
I write from work, looking out of my window at the dirty rooftops of Nus. I remember that it's friday, and if i work late i'll be the only one in office. I hasten to pick up my pace, start shuffling the papers on my desk for the quickest task to finish, but it makes no difference. A min later im still staring out the window. Thunder rumbles and it comforts me. There's only one crack in the dark clouds that frame this little view, and the setting sun comes through. Literal rays of light pass through and and one seems to land straight on my keyboard as i type. I imagine myself bathed in the light while the rest of the office contiunues to be still, shrouded by rainclouds. As i stare and marvel at the illumination of the clouds from within, i start to feel silly because im indulging in pointless writing, but it's been so long, and it feels so right. When have i ever stopped anything because it felt right?
I decide to get some fresh air, and walk up the stairs to the roof top. The door is open, and i step in to the slight drizzle and beautiful wind. It's dark already, and i can see the lights from all around. I light up, take deep breaths, and close my eyes.. The wind gets stronger, and the drizzle slightly heavier, and still i stay. Still i imagine what could be, still tears for what could not, is not, still at arms length they stay.
If my mood had a colour, it'd be deepest purple. A texture? It'd be plush, and you'd sink into it. If i could decide what to with it, i'd wrap you in it; all the while pulling the sides closer so you'll come nearer and it wouldn't look like my doing.. A scent? A light musk that wld fill your senses as the heat from me evaporates it. The taste? Me.
Memories, overlayed with wants, plied with needs and dusted with the future.
I write from work, looking out of my window at the dirty rooftops of Nus. I remember that it's friday, and if i work late i'll be the only one in office. I hasten to pick up my pace, start shuffling the papers on my desk for the quickest task to finish, but it makes no difference. A min later im still staring out the window. Thunder rumbles and it comforts me. There's only one crack in the dark clouds that frame this little view, and the setting sun comes through. Literal rays of light pass through and and one seems to land straight on my keyboard as i type. I imagine myself bathed in the light while the rest of the office contiunues to be still, shrouded by rainclouds. As i stare and marvel at the illumination of the clouds from within, i start to feel silly because im indulging in pointless writing, but it's been so long, and it feels so right. When have i ever stopped anything because it felt right?
I decide to get some fresh air, and walk up the stairs to the roof top. The door is open, and i step in to the slight drizzle and beautiful wind. It's dark already, and i can see the lights from all around. I light up, take deep breaths, and close my eyes.. The wind gets stronger, and the drizzle slightly heavier, and still i stay. Still i imagine what could be, still tears for what could not, is not, still at arms length they stay.
If my mood had a colour, it'd be deepest purple. A texture? It'd be plush, and you'd sink into it. If i could decide what to with it, i'd wrap you in it; all the while pulling the sides closer so you'll come nearer and it wouldn't look like my doing.. A scent? A light musk that wld fill your senses as the heat from me evaporates it. The taste? Me.
Memories, overlayed with wants, plied with needs and dusted with the future.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Scary hair.
So. On sunday i thought i'd make an attempt to look human again, and decided to do something to my hair. I popped in to see Kenny, my nicely tattoed stylist.
Once he had nicely settled me in, all thoughts of a simple snip and run disappeared. He looked down upon me with this frown on his face, then started manhandling my hair, tut tutting all the while.
All resolve and thoughts of budget sailed out the door, as they are prone to do when im seated compromisingly in malls or candy stores. I started to ask him for a trim but then he did his "hmm'ing" thing.... and I gave in! I broke down. I wailed. I told him i was sick of having to rebond my hair, sick of being constrained by the curls that would eventually come, sick sick sick, yada yada yada. With a deft flick of his wrist, he gave me a serious look and said..
"Don wan rebond, then..then perm lah"
I still can't believe i did it. I still do believe that most hairstyling procedures were invented solely for the embarrassment of the customer, and that they are inversely related to the proximity of the door to your seat plus number of people who happen to walk by and gawk. I swear- I had my locks trapped to this thing that looked like a mothership with telephone cords stuck into my head, floating 20 cm above . I cldn't turn my head, let alone move. Not funny. I harrassed the cute ah lian who did the actual curls to make sure i didn't turn out stylo a la auntie. I was fiercesome to kenny when he commented that it was worth a try. No try! It had better work!
When all was said and done and paid for, i hot stepped it to the nearest loo to stare at my perm. My perm! One small step (backwards) for the bank balance, one giant leap forward for tai tai dom!
Like my curls?
Once he had nicely settled me in, all thoughts of a simple snip and run disappeared. He looked down upon me with this frown on his face, then started manhandling my hair, tut tutting all the while.
All resolve and thoughts of budget sailed out the door, as they are prone to do when im seated compromisingly in malls or candy stores. I started to ask him for a trim but then he did his "hmm'ing" thing.... and I gave in! I broke down. I wailed. I told him i was sick of having to rebond my hair, sick of being constrained by the curls that would eventually come, sick sick sick, yada yada yada. With a deft flick of his wrist, he gave me a serious look and said..
"Don wan rebond, then..then perm lah"
I still can't believe i did it. I still do believe that most hairstyling procedures were invented solely for the embarrassment of the customer, and that they are inversely related to the proximity of the door to your seat plus number of people who happen to walk by and gawk. I swear- I had my locks trapped to this thing that looked like a mothership with telephone cords stuck into my head, floating 20 cm above . I cldn't turn my head, let alone move. Not funny. I harrassed the cute ah lian who did the actual curls to make sure i didn't turn out stylo a la auntie. I was fiercesome to kenny when he commented that it was worth a try. No try! It had better work!
When all was said and done and paid for, i hot stepped it to the nearest loo to stare at my perm. My perm! One small step (backwards) for the bank balance, one giant leap forward for tai tai dom!
Like my curls?
From Germany, no less.
Well now. An ultraconservative. Who would have thought?
The chosen name of the new pope — Benedict — draws a connection to Benedict XV, the Italian pontiff from 1914 to 1922 who had the difficult task of providing leadership for Catholic countries on opposite sides of World War I. His declared neutrality, and his repeated protests against weapons like poison gas angered both sides. Benedict was also known for reaching out to Muslims and for efforts to close the nearly 1,000-year estrangement with Christian Orthodox churches
Some hope that this is a sign of things to come, that the policies that will come forth from the vatican might be somewhat more..moderate.
That there is no flexibility on the church’s views on priestly celibacy, contraception and the ban on ordinations for women, i am not surprised. I have learnt to live with catholic tradition as much as anyone can i suppose, but the rest?
In 1986, he denounced rock music as the “vehicle of anti-religion.” In 1988, he dismissed anyone who tried to find “feminist” meanings in the Bible. Last year, he told American bishops that it was allowable to deny Communion to those who support such “manifest grave sin” as abortion and euthanasia.
Pontiff or not, who has the power to deny communion?
There's more. He once called Buddhism a religion for the self-indulgent. In an interview with the French magazine Le Figaro last year, he suggested Turkey’s bid to join the Europe Union conflicted with Europe’s Christian roots — a view that could unsettle Vatican attempts to improve relations with Muslims apparently.
“Turkey has always represented a different continent, in permanent contrast to Europe,” he was quoted as saying.
Mmhmm.
I worry. A day before he was elected pope, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made clear the type of church he wanted: one that rigidly maintained the doctrines he himself had upheld as guardian of church orthodoxy, where there were absolute truths on matters such as abortion, celibacy and homosexuality.
It's all very well to uphold the values one was brought up with, but.. In a changing world, with modern problems, will a mindset such as his be appropriate?
There is only one other thing that keeps me wondering. His holiness celebrated his 78th birthday during the weekend. How long will before we hold another conclave? Why did the Vatican choose someone who only has a few more years at most? Reasons simplistic me will doubtless never guess, but what i would give to be privy.
The chosen name of the new pope — Benedict — draws a connection to Benedict XV, the Italian pontiff from 1914 to 1922 who had the difficult task of providing leadership for Catholic countries on opposite sides of World War I. His declared neutrality, and his repeated protests against weapons like poison gas angered both sides. Benedict was also known for reaching out to Muslims and for efforts to close the nearly 1,000-year estrangement with Christian Orthodox churches
Some hope that this is a sign of things to come, that the policies that will come forth from the vatican might be somewhat more..moderate.
That there is no flexibility on the church’s views on priestly celibacy, contraception and the ban on ordinations for women, i am not surprised. I have learnt to live with catholic tradition as much as anyone can i suppose, but the rest?
In 1986, he denounced rock music as the “vehicle of anti-religion.” In 1988, he dismissed anyone who tried to find “feminist” meanings in the Bible. Last year, he told American bishops that it was allowable to deny Communion to those who support such “manifest grave sin” as abortion and euthanasia.
Pontiff or not, who has the power to deny communion?
There's more. He once called Buddhism a religion for the self-indulgent. In an interview with the French magazine Le Figaro last year, he suggested Turkey’s bid to join the Europe Union conflicted with Europe’s Christian roots — a view that could unsettle Vatican attempts to improve relations with Muslims apparently.
“Turkey has always represented a different continent, in permanent contrast to Europe,” he was quoted as saying.
Mmhmm.
I worry. A day before he was elected pope, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made clear the type of church he wanted: one that rigidly maintained the doctrines he himself had upheld as guardian of church orthodoxy, where there were absolute truths on matters such as abortion, celibacy and homosexuality.
It's all very well to uphold the values one was brought up with, but.. In a changing world, with modern problems, will a mindset such as his be appropriate?
There is only one other thing that keeps me wondering. His holiness celebrated his 78th birthday during the weekend. How long will before we hold another conclave? Why did the Vatican choose someone who only has a few more years at most? Reasons simplistic me will doubtless never guess, but what i would give to be privy.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Out of the blue
Don't you just hate it when you get wierd numbers on your phone?
Have been receiving calls from both a landline and cell ph number. They're always missed calls because the bugger calls in the morning. The mobile is always off when i try to call back, and no one at the landline recognises my name though it's appparently residential. WTF?
Another thing- i've had my number for yonks. Beyond yonks. Right. I've been receiving calls this mth, all asking for "expressions". I'll be damned if people can't tell the difference between a 6 and a 9. They need more than weight loss, lemme tell you. Sigh. Like my phone bills aren't wrecking my life already. The best part is when they ask if im sure that they havn't reached the right number.
This evening i received another call from another unfamiliar number, and i was psyching myself up to sound all fiercesome. I'd give them "expressions". Huh. Instead i was..surprised. The person on the other line had a voice too familiar and in a second, i had remembered. He had kept his promise and called me after 3 years because at that time i wasn't at leisure to rekindle anything. Amazing. And this coming from the pits of unreliability. Hope for mankind yet.
I hate it when something comes along to tipple the scales, and you have to dance around just to keep your balance.
I know i sound pissed, but really.. Im anything but.
Have been receiving calls from both a landline and cell ph number. They're always missed calls because the bugger calls in the morning. The mobile is always off when i try to call back, and no one at the landline recognises my name though it's appparently residential. WTF?
Another thing- i've had my number for yonks. Beyond yonks. Right. I've been receiving calls this mth, all asking for "expressions". I'll be damned if people can't tell the difference between a 6 and a 9. They need more than weight loss, lemme tell you. Sigh. Like my phone bills aren't wrecking my life already. The best part is when they ask if im sure that they havn't reached the right number.
This evening i received another call from another unfamiliar number, and i was psyching myself up to sound all fiercesome. I'd give them "expressions". Huh. Instead i was..surprised. The person on the other line had a voice too familiar and in a second, i had remembered. He had kept his promise and called me after 3 years because at that time i wasn't at leisure to rekindle anything. Amazing. And this coming from the pits of unreliability. Hope for mankind yet.
I hate it when something comes along to tipple the scales, and you have to dance around just to keep your balance.
I know i sound pissed, but really.. Im anything but.
Of wants.
Listening to: Songbird
Oasis
For a man to deny himself
Is but to store the desire
In the recesses of his soul.
That which you spurn today,
will be waiting for you tomorrow
For Your body knows its heritage
finds its way to its needs eventually
and can never be deceived.
Just as it is that the receiver delights
So it is to the giver who finds it within to give even more
For it is both
As it is to me
Giving and receiving of pleasure
both a need and an ecstacy.
Too much time on my hands- Can't you tell?
Oasis
For a man to deny himself
Is but to store the desire
In the recesses of his soul.
That which you spurn today,
will be waiting for you tomorrow
For Your body knows its heritage
finds its way to its needs eventually
and can never be deceived.
Just as it is that the receiver delights
So it is to the giver who finds it within to give even more
For it is both
As it is to me
Giving and receiving of pleasure
both a need and an ecstacy.
Too much time on my hands- Can't you tell?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Bliss. I wish it came in tablet form.
Listening to: Bliss
Tori amos
So the parents have been in japan for 3 days already. And i havn't asked anyone to stay over and take my mind off spending nights alone. Actually im surprised that this time i don't mind turning most of the lights off before i go to bed- heh. Must be because i havn't watched a horror flick in yonks. And also because im tired of being called a wuss.
Was griping that platonic relationships are never really what they seem to be, as evidenced when stay overs occur. So i wonder- is this because guys will be guys, or is there something sinister in my behaviour? It's not like i lounge around in slinky red things or spike drinks and watch sylvia saint on broadband. Sheesh. Nothing catastrophic occured of course, being the good catholic *coughs* girl that i am. Sensible is what i am. Of course.
Why is so hard to find a truly platonic friend? To say in good faith that, yes, he's my friend because he likes me as i am, for the person i am? And NOT because im obviously lacking a schlong?
And yes, guilt always sets in. Even if they hadn't known better, i should have. Right?
I think back over a few times when i had clubbed and indulged in un-faith like behaviour. It might not be a biggie to some, but it was enough to make me feel like it was a moment best stolen and forgotten. It wasn't the drinks. It wasn't that i was in an unknown place where no one knew me. It's not like i havn't been concerned at a girl friend's 'next morning' confessions because i don't believe in one nighters. Heaven knows they wld be surprised if they knew what goes through my mind. Right things at the right time, with the right people. Person, i meant-lol!
What happens if one day the "should know better's" and the "frankly i don't give a shite's" meet?
Then what?
Tori amos
So the parents have been in japan for 3 days already. And i havn't asked anyone to stay over and take my mind off spending nights alone. Actually im surprised that this time i don't mind turning most of the lights off before i go to bed- heh. Must be because i havn't watched a horror flick in yonks. And also because im tired of being called a wuss.
Was griping that platonic relationships are never really what they seem to be, as evidenced when stay overs occur. So i wonder- is this because guys will be guys, or is there something sinister in my behaviour? It's not like i lounge around in slinky red things or spike drinks and watch sylvia saint on broadband. Sheesh. Nothing catastrophic occured of course, being the good catholic *coughs* girl that i am. Sensible is what i am. Of course.
Why is so hard to find a truly platonic friend? To say in good faith that, yes, he's my friend because he likes me as i am, for the person i am? And NOT because im obviously lacking a schlong?
And yes, guilt always sets in. Even if they hadn't known better, i should have. Right?
I think back over a few times when i had clubbed and indulged in un-faith like behaviour. It might not be a biggie to some, but it was enough to make me feel like it was a moment best stolen and forgotten. It wasn't the drinks. It wasn't that i was in an unknown place where no one knew me. It's not like i havn't been concerned at a girl friend's 'next morning' confessions because i don't believe in one nighters. Heaven knows they wld be surprised if they knew what goes through my mind. Right things at the right time, with the right people. Person, i meant-lol!
What happens if one day the "should know better's" and the "frankly i don't give a shite's" meet?
Then what?
It's been ten thousand years since i've last posted.
Listening to: Precious things
Tori amos
No, i don't have a penchant for exaggeration, thought i'd told you that a billion times already.
747 is coming along, inevitably fast. Protocol plans have been brought up to managment for logistic issues as they were needed urgently and Jl wasn't around to settle fast.. On thursday i was flabbergasted to find that a last minute meeting had been scheduled with ly and lh, the techs and scientist. Oh- and my "mentor". She understood my look when she asked 4 mins before i was supposed to go off if i was game for a meeting. She hadn't known about the meeting either.
Why wasn't i informed about the meeting when i was protocol leader (P.L)?
She patted me on my back, said it wasn't that important since it was higher level planning. Oh Goodie. Was i supposed to be relieved?
I slipped into the meeting room later. No one made way for me at the table, so i had to squeeze.
I had a talk with with sher when we were in the car later.. it's only because it's your first protocol she said when i mentioned that i felt redundant. It's not an uncommon thing. A snort and a grunt from me. It's not a personal thing, i know that from what the other girls say. I just..Urgh. It doesn't matter to me that everyone goes throught the same thing, but it kills me because iniatiative is not looked upon kindly here. They want you to be on top of everything, but they don't keep you informed. They stress professionalism, but sometimes i feel that even though they're 20 years older, the maturity of the gross week old sandwich in the fridge is superior.
Grrr. Only 8 more mths to go.
Tori amos
No, i don't have a penchant for exaggeration, thought i'd told you that a billion times already.
747 is coming along, inevitably fast. Protocol plans have been brought up to managment for logistic issues as they were needed urgently and Jl wasn't around to settle fast.. On thursday i was flabbergasted to find that a last minute meeting had been scheduled with ly and lh, the techs and scientist. Oh- and my "mentor". She understood my look when she asked 4 mins before i was supposed to go off if i was game for a meeting. She hadn't known about the meeting either.
Why wasn't i informed about the meeting when i was protocol leader (P.L)?
She patted me on my back, said it wasn't that important since it was higher level planning. Oh Goodie. Was i supposed to be relieved?
I slipped into the meeting room later. No one made way for me at the table, so i had to squeeze.
I had a talk with with sher when we were in the car later.. it's only because it's your first protocol she said when i mentioned that i felt redundant. It's not an uncommon thing. A snort and a grunt from me. It's not a personal thing, i know that from what the other girls say. I just..Urgh. It doesn't matter to me that everyone goes throught the same thing, but it kills me because iniatiative is not looked upon kindly here. They want you to be on top of everything, but they don't keep you informed. They stress professionalism, but sometimes i feel that even though they're 20 years older, the maturity of the gross week old sandwich in the fridge is superior.
Grrr. Only 8 more mths to go.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
This little piggie..
Amazing. So now in addition to juggling my present protocol, and trying to finish the last one, i found the newest one on my desk. See? Even not checking mail to avoid getting news to spoil your day doesn't work. Some nice soul (and she is a real sweetie) had printed it out for me. So now i have..3 protocols to play with? When i was busy freaking out about it my colleague came to me and told me to take it as a good diet plan. Sigh. When i get stressed i get really nauseous and lose my lunch. Or bile.
Was on course during the week, and had no time to go out, eat, or let alone blog. Pah!!!!! When i came home on friday, was so tired i had no mood to go partying anymore. I just..slept. And slept i did. 16 hours! *yeah* I did wake in the mdidle feeling refreshed, but i forced myself to sleep because i was greedy and now im just zonked. And i still feel like sleeping. What a pig i am. How proud i am :)
So now i've cancelled my saturday night plans, the pizza is on its way and im planning to mooch around the house with a movie. It feels good. It feels like im relaxing, and it feels like a lazy weekend. Ahhhhhhh.... :)))
Was on course during the week, and had no time to go out, eat, or let alone blog. Pah!!!!! When i came home on friday, was so tired i had no mood to go partying anymore. I just..slept. And slept i did. 16 hours! *yeah* I did wake in the mdidle feeling refreshed, but i forced myself to sleep because i was greedy and now im just zonked. And i still feel like sleeping. What a pig i am. How proud i am :)
So now i've cancelled my saturday night plans, the pizza is on its way and im planning to mooch around the house with a movie. It feels good. It feels like im relaxing, and it feels like a lazy weekend. Ahhhhhhh.... :)))
Third time's the charm. Was it Terri's?
When is the time to be moral?
Once in 2001. Once in 2003. One final time in 2005.
I read with no small discomfort that the circus (on her part) was finally over. I wonder how the health care professionals in that nursing home reacted to the news that she was to be starved. Did they just mouth words of disbelief and continue with their duties? Did any of them refuse to have any part in it? Was it hell for them to comtinue their duties while they carried out Mr Michael Schiavo's wishes to have his wife starved to death? I hope it was. He who faxed a statement to news organizations Monday in which he said he had difficulty accepting a court ruling allowing him to have his wife's feeding tube removed.
I've taken care of individuals who've been rendered "vegetative" by different means. There is such a thing as a will to live, and it is very apparent in some cases. I've seen a pastor who had had a stroke and survived 15 years. He had unseeing eyes, wasn't able to respond by blinks or any means which would let us know he was mentally "alert". Extentions of him were a feeding tube in which a formula was sloshed in 6 times a day. Tubes to take away waste from his systems. Tubes to make sure he wasn't dehydrated. I had spoken to his wife who was by his side one afternoon, telling her i admired her strength in coping. She spent all her afternoons with him, reading from the bible and massaging the oils which he has so liked into his skin. She smiled, and said sweetly- that she didn't have a choice.
Taken aback, i murmured that she must be very tired, and went back to my patient. A strange thing happened then. My colleague asked me if the wife had been washing his face, and i responded with a startled no. Bending close to him, i noticed his cheeks were wet. He was crying.
Thinking back on this, im sure i'm not the only one who'll be able to tell you such stories. There are many more, stories of people holding on for one last family member, stories of people surviving when they shouldn't and those who should have.
Who's to say that someone has *left* us even though she's physically here? Who's to say whats wrong or right? I can only say that if anyone is to err, it should be on the side of life.
If you HAVE decided what you want and you're absolutely positive that you will never change your mind, there is such a thing as an AMD or advanced medical directive.
An Advance Medical Directive (AMD) is a legal document that you sign in advance to inform the doctor treating you (in the event you become terminally ill ) that you do not want any extraordinary life-sustaining treatment to be used to prolong your life. I havn't though, and am not sure if i ever will. How do you know what you want right now won't be the opposite when you're clinging on to the last shreds of life?
Not something i want to screw around with.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Loserhood.Singlehood. One and the same?
Well now.
Apparently in Japan, women over 30 are called makeinu, or "losers".
The author of the article goes on to say, that
".there are many similarities between Singaporean and Japanese society. Both are patriarchal and hierarchical.... "
I'm surprised to read this in a newpaper. My goodness. Certainly sweepy enough of a statement though im not unpleased to see this. Oh sorry, let me rephrase that. A local newspaper. A quick glance from beneath arched brow reveals a name. Tisa Ng. Why am i not surprised to find a woman's name ? Surely you didn't expect to find a man writing that? Perish the thought. Im truly sorry, but the men i know personally seem to believe that there is no prejudice anymore in these present days. I'll admit, it's been greatly improved, but totally? Isn't it slightly .... somewhat .. naive?
By no means am i a feminist. I love my support too much to burn my lovely innerwear. I don't and never did believe in the equality of sexes. I love my men. I believe a man of the house is exactly that. A man who leads the household with decisions that i entrust the lives of our children to. I'd love to take off his shoes when he comes home, and give that neck rub. More. Believe me. But increasingly im frustrated with the roles im stereotyped with. Why? Cos it's women's work. So? I don't see you spearing oxen. Your boss doesn't count. And you sure as hell don't buy back any (faux) skins for me. I may give it all up for you. But acknowledge that it's a sacrifice first. Appreciate. Say thank you often. Don't tell me that it's a woman's lot.
We've both evolved, come a long way. Specialisation is for insects. Let's not even talk about the stereotypes re: giving in to the urge to settle down(or lack thereof) and give into the urge of procreating wildly. Seriously. You mean you didn't know women were that visual as well? Tsk tsk. Learn. It's ok. Im barely 26. You'll catch up.
Not a day back, someone was trying to convince me why it was better to be a woman. And why, pray tell, i asked? Orh, manchild said. Because..
Apparently in Japan, women over 30 are called makeinu, or "losers".
The author of the article goes on to say, that
".there are many similarities between Singaporean and Japanese society. Both are patriarchal and hierarchical.... "
I'm surprised to read this in a newpaper. My goodness. Certainly sweepy enough of a statement though im not unpleased to see this. Oh sorry, let me rephrase that. A local newspaper. A quick glance from beneath arched brow reveals a name. Tisa Ng. Why am i not surprised to find a woman's name ? Surely you didn't expect to find a man writing that? Perish the thought. Im truly sorry, but the men i know personally seem to believe that there is no prejudice anymore in these present days. I'll admit, it's been greatly improved, but totally? Isn't it slightly .... somewhat .. naive?
By no means am i a feminist. I love my support too much to burn my lovely innerwear. I don't and never did believe in the equality of sexes. I love my men. I believe a man of the house is exactly that. A man who leads the household with decisions that i entrust the lives of our children to. I'd love to take off his shoes when he comes home, and give that neck rub. More. Believe me. But increasingly im frustrated with the roles im stereotyped with. Why? Cos it's women's work. So? I don't see you spearing oxen. Your boss doesn't count. And you sure as hell don't buy back any (faux) skins for me. I may give it all up for you. But acknowledge that it's a sacrifice first. Appreciate. Say thank you often. Don't tell me that it's a woman's lot.
We've both evolved, come a long way. Specialisation is for insects. Let's not even talk about the stereotypes re: giving in to the urge to settle down(or lack thereof) and give into the urge of procreating wildly. Seriously. You mean you didn't know women were that visual as well? Tsk tsk. Learn. It's ok. Im barely 26. You'll catch up.
Not a day back, someone was trying to convince me why it was better to be a woman. And why, pray tell, i asked? Orh, manchild said. Because..
- You get gifts.
- You get pampered.
- You don't get pressurized to earn
- You get to be taken care of
- You get to be courted.
- You get to experience the miracle of birth..
...lor.
Thats all very nice sweetie, but i'd like to have a little more as well. In fact, i think men get to experience most of the above said as well, no? I'd like to talk to a group of middle aged men, and not have their attention because my body is comprised of boobies and ass ( kay, fine, i do, but so not in the right proportions ;p), but because they might think i have something worthwhile to contribute. I'd like to past a construction site without having to swallow hard and act like i don't notice them noticing. I'd like to be treated like a lady, because i am, and no amount of wanting respect will change that.
Men might think- pah. Women. They want respect, but they want the door opened for them. They want us to be a man, but they want us to be sensitive to their needs as well. Why the f'ing hell can't they make up their fickle little minds? Didn't it ever occur to you, that as every man is different, so is every woman? They're called needs. And you'd do well to find out what they were instead of assuming.
I have no absolute answer for your questions, boys. We're annoying, but you don't have much of a choice. We're stuck with you too. We certainly didn't volunteer for the extra hormonal displacements and progressively saggier twiddly bits. Not even the government aka PAP will be able to cheer us up i can tell you that.
Not all women think the same way. Some overcompensate while trying to prove their independence. Some veer the other way, trying to garner as much attention as they can, not realising that sex is the lowest common denominator. I only wished that both sexes realised that times are changing, that there is no way a single sex can be cramped into acting a certain way. Some, like me, try to remain true to what they really want. It's hard. A life of deciding to be a makeinu. Things could be worse.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Cold cross buns.
Listening to: Sleeping with butterflies
tori amos
I was really hungry in the middle of the night and the fridge beckoned. The hor fun scared me off, so i slunk to the litchen counter. Hot cross buns. Well cooled. It's good friday already?
Memories. We used to get our buns from the cold storage at the old Ikea in katong. I'd play in the room filled almost to the brim with balls. Memories.
The parents are off visiting churches the catholic way today. Spend a bit of time contemplating in each, light the candles, drive off to the next church. I used to enjoy going, enjoyed the silences, the gravity of the people around me. Then again, when i was a little girl all i wanted was to be a nun. I'd listen to my parents religious tapes with sermons and read their books. My mother wld tell her friends and colleagues with false exasperation, and not a bit of pride. My grandmother (nanny) let out that my father had entered a seminary when he was younger, but it didnt work out. Perhaps his daughter would make the family proud.
Once i hit secondary school and the heights of puppy love.. all thoughts of taking a vow of eternal chastity vanished :) Suffice to say, my father was disappointed. I stopped going to church for years. It was only the last few years that had me feeling like something was missing.
Now having had my fill of both catholic and christian churches, i have to make a choice. Do i fall back on comfort and tradition? Or do i let myself enter the world of spirit filled services that move me so much? Why can't there be both? Why must something always be lost, exchanged, or sacrificed when something new is found?
Then again- im not exactly a commited person. It's good friday. I don't feel anything really. Easter is just lunch and easter eggs. Isn't that a bad sign? What if there wasn't such a thing as a god, but only mass hysteria, or rites that help people connect to their inner selves and give explanations for almost everything? (yeah, we'll never find out because god will let us know in his own time .Uh huh.)
Men always were attracted to familiarity and immortality.
Believe and you'll never die
Never name your daughter after a virtue like hope, like charity, and especially chastity :) My name will always be my biggest trial. I don't think the pragmatist in me will ever let me have 'complete faith'. In all honesty ( kay, if i get struck by lightning you'll all know why), unless something happens.. Unless i get healed instantaneously, unless he physically picks me up and dangles me over hell.. unless i see his face or hear his voice.. Until then i reserve my all.
I can't help it. He didn't give me a good mind to blindly accept all i hear.
I want to use a MRI to see if speaking in tongues activates the language center or that area which we use to day dream. I want more explanations. I want fact.
But why do i get so touched sometimes then?
tori amos
I was really hungry in the middle of the night and the fridge beckoned. The hor fun scared me off, so i slunk to the litchen counter. Hot cross buns. Well cooled. It's good friday already?
Memories. We used to get our buns from the cold storage at the old Ikea in katong. I'd play in the room filled almost to the brim with balls. Memories.
The parents are off visiting churches the catholic way today. Spend a bit of time contemplating in each, light the candles, drive off to the next church. I used to enjoy going, enjoyed the silences, the gravity of the people around me. Then again, when i was a little girl all i wanted was to be a nun. I'd listen to my parents religious tapes with sermons and read their books. My mother wld tell her friends and colleagues with false exasperation, and not a bit of pride. My grandmother (nanny) let out that my father had entered a seminary when he was younger, but it didnt work out. Perhaps his daughter would make the family proud.
Once i hit secondary school and the heights of puppy love.. all thoughts of taking a vow of eternal chastity vanished :) Suffice to say, my father was disappointed. I stopped going to church for years. It was only the last few years that had me feeling like something was missing.
Now having had my fill of both catholic and christian churches, i have to make a choice. Do i fall back on comfort and tradition? Or do i let myself enter the world of spirit filled services that move me so much? Why can't there be both? Why must something always be lost, exchanged, or sacrificed when something new is found?
Then again- im not exactly a commited person. It's good friday. I don't feel anything really. Easter is just lunch and easter eggs. Isn't that a bad sign? What if there wasn't such a thing as a god, but only mass hysteria, or rites that help people connect to their inner selves and give explanations for almost everything? (yeah, we'll never find out because god will let us know in his own time .Uh huh.)
Men always were attracted to familiarity and immortality.
Believe and you'll never die
Never name your daughter after a virtue like hope, like charity, and especially chastity :) My name will always be my biggest trial. I don't think the pragmatist in me will ever let me have 'complete faith'. In all honesty ( kay, if i get struck by lightning you'll all know why), unless something happens.. Unless i get healed instantaneously, unless he physically picks me up and dangles me over hell.. unless i see his face or hear his voice.. Until then i reserve my all.
I can't help it. He didn't give me a good mind to blindly accept all i hear.
I want to use a MRI to see if speaking in tongues activates the language center or that area which we use to day dream. I want more explanations. I want fact.
But why do i get so touched sometimes then?
Monday, March 21, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Wierd shite.
Strange.
I came back to find my mirror shattered and all over my room floor. Its the second one in..2 weeks? And i've never broken a mirror in my entire life before.
Coincidentally, my bathroom light blew last week.
Oo-er.
I came back to find my mirror shattered and all over my room floor. Its the second one in..2 weeks? And i've never broken a mirror in my entire life before.
Coincidentally, my bathroom light blew last week.
Oo-er.
Pot shot 3
Talk about bizarre service.
I was having dinner , and i already had my meal set on my side. The friend's waiting for his. The waiter comes with a burger, and attempts to serve me.
Um.
Hello? im hungry, but not that hungry. Didn't it occur to him that if a table only has two orders, and there are only two people, it generally follows that it's a dish per person?
Amazing.
I was having dinner , and i already had my meal set on my side. The friend's waiting for his. The waiter comes with a burger, and attempts to serve me.
Um.
Hello? im hungry, but not that hungry. Didn't it occur to him that if a table only has two orders, and there are only two people, it generally follows that it's a dish per person?
Amazing.
Pot shot 2
Here's a little something something that got me just a leetle conscious.
i have an old subject, a really buff guy my age who takes delight in mentioning that he could bench press 3 of me at one go. I did have fun at his expense previously, telling him that our equiptment could detect steriods. That was fun. He had come in once with a stick-on tattoo of a ..flower no less, all very nice and pastel'ly. I ribbed him telling him he could be honest with moi about his 'orientations'.
On friday i was talking to him about his present trial, when suddenly he looked at me with this wierd look on his face.
Buffboy.of.dubious.orientation: hey- there's something else i wanted to ask.
Moi: Sure- ask away.
B.O.D.O: I'd like to introduce you to some of my friends.
Moi: (*slaps forhead* How many times do i have to go through this??? YEARGGH!) Oh?
B.O.D.O: Im sure you'll like her.
Moi: Nonono..waitaminute. Did you say.. HER? (If my left eyebrow shoots any higher, it's going to migrate to my a**)
B.O.D.O: Hur hur. What do you think?
Moi: As in.. a gay?
B.O.D.O: NO lah- a chick like yerself.
He leans closer, taking advantage of my understandable confusion. He whispers conspiratorially.
B.O.D.O: Does your door swing that way?
Oh. Dear. God. People- make up your mind. I cannot be too gu niang and a butch at the same time can i?
i have an old subject, a really buff guy my age who takes delight in mentioning that he could bench press 3 of me at one go. I did have fun at his expense previously, telling him that our equiptment could detect steriods. That was fun. He had come in once with a stick-on tattoo of a ..flower no less, all very nice and pastel'ly. I ribbed him telling him he could be honest with moi about his 'orientations'.
On friday i was talking to him about his present trial, when suddenly he looked at me with this wierd look on his face.
Buffboy.of.dubious.orientation: hey- there's something else i wanted to ask.
Moi: Sure- ask away.
B.O.D.O: I'd like to introduce you to some of my friends.
Moi: (*slaps forhead* How many times do i have to go through this??? YEARGGH!) Oh?
B.O.D.O: Im sure you'll like her.
Moi: Nonono..waitaminute. Did you say.. HER? (If my left eyebrow shoots any higher, it's going to migrate to my a**)
B.O.D.O: Hur hur. What do you think?
Moi: As in.. a gay?
B.O.D.O: NO lah- a chick like yerself.
He leans closer, taking advantage of my understandable confusion. He whispers conspiratorially.
B.O.D.O: Does your door swing that way?
Oh. Dear. God. People- make up your mind. I cannot be too gu niang and a butch at the same time can i?
Pot shots?
Not.
I went to catch boogeyman on friday night.
Halfway through the opening, i started to get a little fidgity. This wasn't as b grade as i thought it would be, the seats on my right are as empty and black as hell, and is that my imagination cos i see something moving and omg the music is freakin loud and.. You get the idea. Bless her heart, fiona notices. I swap seats so she's on my right, and a couple is down a few seats to my left. Much better.
Suddenly i notice the girl from the couple swapping seats as well. I also notice she's just one seat away from me. Obviously someone's been doing a little illegal shifting down the row.
She notices me looking, turns to me, puts a hand on her chest like she's having pains and gives me a sheepish smile.
"i scared also mah"
LOL!!
I went to catch boogeyman on friday night.
Halfway through the opening, i started to get a little fidgity. This wasn't as b grade as i thought it would be, the seats on my right are as empty and black as hell, and is that my imagination cos i see something moving and omg the music is freakin loud and.. You get the idea. Bless her heart, fiona notices. I swap seats so she's on my right, and a couple is down a few seats to my left. Much better.
Suddenly i notice the girl from the couple swapping seats as well. I also notice she's just one seat away from me. Obviously someone's been doing a little illegal shifting down the row.
She notices me looking, turns to me, puts a hand on her chest like she's having pains and gives me a sheepish smile.
"i scared also mah"
LOL!!
Finicky eater i am.
This is what happens when you discuss the zodiac with women. Our observations coincided for certain zodiac signs, esp for a few particular ones. Gemini's, leo's, scorpio's... All fascinating but we loved to hate them :) Don't cry, a few foolish women's opinions only counts for entertainment at best.
Lucid's guide to dating by the zodiac. Heh.heh. heh.
Aries 3/21-4/19
They have been fiery, very *you have no idea* opiniated, and slightly stubborn. No metrosexuals here, they were manly men! I liked their zest for knowing their own mind, but i remained too much of my own woman to be them with for long periods. Plus point? Rather ambitious, and they've all done very well for themselves. Plus they're rather randy :)
Leo 7/23-8/22
Too charming by half. Did i say half? God, i meant entirely too much! And they're aware of it! Driven, but mostly able to be personable at the same time. I've usually been very attracted to them, both physically and mentally. They can be as intense or lighthearted as men come, and it drives me nuts. Also tend to be flirts and boys at heart, but at least they're mostly bright. Oh- strangely, the ones i met in this sign seem closer to the mothers. What i didn't like? They weren't that eager to try out..uh..they had their own routines which they stuck to. Nice boys, i'll always have a ready scratch for these big cats.
Sagittarius11/22-12/21
One of my faves. Very stable, very easy going, i've had fun having fun with them. Very sweet, pretty trustworthy, always determined which also translates into being task oriented. *coughs*
Taurus
They're a little too down to earth for me. And not willing to go over the edge enough.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
There have got to be a few signs i've not seen that much of, obviously. Im not that much of a social butterfly :) This wld be one of them. A little too meticulous for me.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Workaholics!! Lovely when they've come out to play with me. Usually serious, might have a little temper but otherwise i have no qualms.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Oh god-I swear. these men are like women! I never can tell where i am with them. When they're happy, they're really happy. When they're on one of their moods..oh boy. In short- unpredictable. Great conversationists, im very at home with these men. When they have their happy mask on that is.
Libra9/23-10/22
Another of those signs i don't see much of.
Aquarius1/20-2/18
Im happy to say the men of this sign aren't as frivalous as the women. Which personally i don't see as a problem of course :)) For those of you who havn't guessed, im a water baby as well. All righty, back to the men. Not conventionally beautiful, they have an intensity, a charm that stems from the fact that i've never seen them over eager. NEVER. In fact- it's a mystery how they let on that they're interested in women. Huh. Most that i've met have been quietly intelligent, often beautifully creative.
Cancer6/22-7/22
Um. Snags? They want babies more than i do! Nice people but im not a kitchen goddess, sorry.
Scorpio10/23-11/21
Sexy as hell, but with a stuborrn streak as only they can come with, a tendency to have a violent temper, and oh 'so' superbly communicative. I like a domineering man but.. this group is far too much for me.
Pisces2/19-3/20
Could i say that ALL the ones i've met have been romantic? Or tried their darndest to? A little clingy sometimes. To me lah. I can't speak for everyone. Sheesh.
Lucid takes no responsibility for whatever happens (or doesn't) as a result of her girlfriends reading this. Go pin your relationship woes on someone else sistah. And men- if all else fails, always remember to be at the very least a gentleman.
Lucid's guide to dating by the zodiac. Heh.heh. heh.
They have been fiery, very *you have no idea* opiniated, and slightly stubborn. No metrosexuals here, they were manly men! I liked their zest for knowing their own mind, but i remained too much of my own woman to be them with for long periods. Plus point? Rather ambitious, and they've all done very well for themselves. Plus they're rather randy :)
Too charming by half. Did i say half? God, i meant entirely too much! And they're aware of it! Driven, but mostly able to be personable at the same time. I've usually been very attracted to them, both physically and mentally. They can be as intense or lighthearted as men come, and it drives me nuts. Also tend to be flirts and boys at heart, but at least they're mostly bright. Oh- strangely, the ones i met in this sign seem closer to the mothers. What i didn't like? They weren't that eager to try out..uh..they had their own routines which they stuck to. Nice boys, i'll always have a ready scratch for these big cats.
Sagittarius
One of my faves. Very stable, very easy going, i've had fun having fun with them. Very sweet, pretty trustworthy, always determined which also translates into being task oriented. *coughs*
Taurus
They're a little too down to earth for me. And not willing to go over the edge enough.
There have got to be a few signs i've not seen that much of, obviously. Im not that much of a social butterfly :) This wld be one of them. A little too meticulous for me.
Workaholics!! Lovely when they've come out to play with me. Usually serious, might have a little temper but otherwise i have no qualms.
Oh god-I swear. these men are like women! I never can tell where i am with them. When they're happy, they're really happy. When they're on one of their moods..oh boy. In short- unpredictable. Great conversationists, im very at home with these men. When they have their happy mask on that is.
Libra
Another of those signs i don't see much of.
Aquarius
Im happy to say the men of this sign aren't as frivalous as the women. Which personally i don't see as a problem of course :)) For those of you who havn't guessed, im a water baby as well. All righty, back to the men. Not conventionally beautiful, they have an intensity, a charm that stems from the fact that i've never seen them over eager. NEVER. In fact- it's a mystery how they let on that they're interested in women. Huh. Most that i've met have been quietly intelligent, often beautifully creative.
Cancer
Um. Snags? They want babies more than i do! Nice people but im not a kitchen goddess, sorry.
Scorpio
Sexy as hell, but with a stuborrn streak as only they can come with, a tendency to have a violent temper, and oh 'so' superbly communicative. I like a domineering man but.. this group is far too much for me.
Pisces
Could i say that ALL the ones i've met have been romantic? Or tried their darndest to? A little clingy sometimes. To me lah. I can't speak for everyone. Sheesh.
Lucid takes no responsibility for whatever happens (or doesn't) as a result of her girlfriends reading this. Go pin your relationship woes on someone else sistah. And men- if all else fails, always remember to be at the very least a gentleman.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Brevity.
People,
Questions, questions :) I made no mistake when i mentioned winter harvesting for wine in my previous post. Eiswine, literally ice wine in german. You're missing out, is all i can say :)
That's it for tonight. After a call i'm too distracted to write much, and i have people to inflict pain on bright and early at 7am in the morning tomorrow. *Ho-hum* Just another day in the life of a needle wielding fiend.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Letter.
It's sad when needless necessities are followed through with.
Needless because you know there must be a better way. Necessity because if it doesn't, bad things happen.
I had a friendship that i truly believed could stand up to the rigours of time. I guess.. if someone can get married and leave the parents, so likewise a friendship can be dictated by a relationship. I understand it, but like so many other things, i wish i had nothing to do with it.
Plucked.
Angel- it pains me more than i've said to have this happen. In a world where there is so much uncertainty, you were a constant that i had come to believe would aways be around.
Needless because you know there must be a better way. Necessity because if it doesn't, bad things happen.
I had a friendship that i truly believed could stand up to the rigours of time. I guess.. if someone can get married and leave the parents, so likewise a friendship can be dictated by a relationship. I understand it, but like so many other things, i wish i had nothing to do with it.
Plucked.
Angel- it pains me more than i've said to have this happen. In a world where there is so much uncertainty, you were a constant that i had come to believe would aways be around.
~~~@
Listening to: Love divine
Seal
Would that i lived on your fragrance
like a bloom on the strength of your sweet light
that your hands would tend to me
to me, to me, your hands on me alone
In your care my vines will yield
In your patience you gather harvest
And in my winter are pruned my sweetest
By the fire, when wine is tasted
each draught, each sip, every taste.
Intoxicating,
the rememberence.
Seal
Would that i lived on your fragrance
like a bloom on the strength of your sweet light
that your hands would tend to me
to me, to me, your hands on me alone
In your care my vines will yield
In your patience you gather harvest
And in my winter are pruned my sweetest
By the fire, when wine is tasted
each draught, each sip, every taste.
Intoxicating,
the rememberence.
Monday, March 14, 2005
LA La LA
I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day!
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation!
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers!
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while!
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores!
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day!
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation!
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers!
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while!
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores!
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
Pass the tissues around.
Listening to: Cannonball
Damien Rice
It's monday, and my girls at work are taking turns getting incapacitated by the flu virus. Again. It's making its second round, largely due to the fact that we spread it faster than we can get well. I feel sorry for the lady who clears our bins.. The contents are probably more hazardous than the labs outside. Poor thing. I must plant some of our tissues inside senior managment's office.. Or swab the doorknobs. Or something.
I took the practical (and hasty) step of confirming with ly that i'd stay at least till the end of the year. Urgh. More fool me, but it's done. At least i can still fantasize.
Top 10 most Applicable Things I'd Love to Say But Don't.
1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
Lucid says: I used to think it was just me but everyone else says your're full of shite too.
2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Lucid says: Don't mistake my lack of a response for empathy.
3) How about never? Is never good for you?
Lucid says: Don't ask me if im free when you've just asked me to do something that minutes before you've claimed was my number one priority.
4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lucid says: Ignorance is your bliss and my personal hell.
5) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Lucid says: Im guessing this won't be anytime soon.
6) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Lucid says: If i screw up my face when you're talking, don't believe me when i say im not feeling well.
7) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Lucid says: ...
8) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Lucid says: Also slightly hysterical, depending on the nearest deadline.
9) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Lucid says: Thank you for recognising that fact and planning ahead in advance.
10) File that under "Never".
Lucid says: 'nuff said.
Damien Rice
It's monday, and my girls at work are taking turns getting incapacitated by the flu virus. Again. It's making its second round, largely due to the fact that we spread it faster than we can get well. I feel sorry for the lady who clears our bins.. The contents are probably more hazardous than the labs outside. Poor thing. I must plant some of our tissues inside senior managment's office.. Or swab the doorknobs. Or something.
I took the practical (and hasty) step of confirming with ly that i'd stay at least till the end of the year. Urgh. More fool me, but it's done. At least i can still fantasize.
Top 10 most Applicable Things I'd Love to Say But Don't.
1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
Lucid says: I used to think it was just me but everyone else says your're full of shite too.
2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Lucid says: Don't mistake my lack of a response for empathy.
3) How about never? Is never good for you?
Lucid says: Don't ask me if im free when you've just asked me to do something that minutes before you've claimed was my number one priority.
4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lucid says: Ignorance is your bliss and my personal hell.
5) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Lucid says: Im guessing this won't be anytime soon.
6) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Lucid says: If i screw up my face when you're talking, don't believe me when i say im not feeling well.
7) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Lucid says: ...
8) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Lucid says: Also slightly hysterical, depending on the nearest deadline.
9) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Lucid says: Thank you for recognising that fact and planning ahead in advance.
10) File that under "Never".
Lucid says: 'nuff said.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
I rise when its dark, and leave when it's darker.
Listening to: They
Jem
I've been exhausted for the past 2 weeks. Wake, rush to work, go home after a 12-14 day, have dinner if there's anything appetising and i feel like it, sleep. I dream of work, all the unfinished issues i've left behind. Weekends have been chaotic, like im determined to spend myself even more just because im not at work. At the end, i always wish i had a little more sleep. I'm plumbing the depths of low- my subjects want to matchmake me! Someone my age. Humph. Thanks arh. I think my wrinkles take on sinister lines when im not looking. How else can i explain the offers to meet people as if i have a bloody great sign tacked to my head? Mumble grumble.
Isn't there supposed to be something more to life than this? And if there is.. what*where*when*how*?
Im searching. Really.
Jem
I've been exhausted for the past 2 weeks. Wake, rush to work, go home after a 12-14 day, have dinner if there's anything appetising and i feel like it, sleep. I dream of work, all the unfinished issues i've left behind. Weekends have been chaotic, like im determined to spend myself even more just because im not at work. At the end, i always wish i had a little more sleep. I'm plumbing the depths of low- my subjects want to matchmake me! Someone my age. Humph. Thanks arh. I think my wrinkles take on sinister lines when im not looking. How else can i explain the offers to meet people as if i have a bloody great sign tacked to my head? Mumble grumble.
Isn't there supposed to be something more to life than this? And if there is.. what*where*when*how*?
Im searching. Really.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Self entertaining.
I GIVE IN!!
You know those "20 little things about me" posts where you spew intimate details that no one else wants to hear? Well- i believe in karma. This is for the all the times i've read 'em. G marks the spot, now read on :)
(G) been drunk
(G) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(G) kissed a member of the same sex
(-) crashed a friend's car :Does making someone dent his own count?
(-) stolen a car
(-) been to Japan
(-) played mailbox baseball
(GGGGGGGGGGGGG) ridden in a taxi
(-) been in love
(-) been dumped
(-) shoplifted
(-) been fired
(-) been in a fist fight
(G) kicked someone's ass :And a nice ass it was, i might add.
(G) snuck out of my parent's house :Who hasn't?
(G) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(G) ever dated someone of the same sex
(G) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(-) been arrested
(-) made out with a stranger
(G) stole something from my job :Im guilty of batteries and pilot pens.
(-) celebrated new years in time square
(-) gone on a blind date
(G) lied to a friend
(G) crush on a teacher
(-) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(-) been to Europe
(G) skipped school
(-) slept with a co-worker
(-) been married
(-) gotten divorced
(-) had children
(G) seen someone die : Being born, living and dying.. There's always someone crying, always mess to clear.
(-) been to Africa
(-) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(-) Been to Canada
(-) Been to Mexico
(G) Been on a plane
(G) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(-) Thrown up in a bar : i try to embarrass myself privately.
(-) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(G) Eaten Sushi
(-) Been snowboarding
(G) Been moshing at a concert
(;p had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(;p taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(G) been in an abusive relationship
(G) slapped someone you cared for intensely
(;p ever smoked marijuana
(-) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(-) lost a child
(G) gone to college
(G) graduated college
(G) taken painkillers
(-) love someone or miss someone right now
On an equally obtrusive level, blink.o.rama has images of celebrities caught in mid blink. Arnie's was rather entertaining, i thought.
Yes, im bored. Need you even ask?
You know those "20 little things about me" posts where you spew intimate details that no one else wants to hear? Well- i believe in karma. This is for the all the times i've read 'em. G marks the spot, now read on :)
(G) been drunk
(G) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(G) kissed a member of the same sex
(-) crashed a friend's car :Does making someone dent his own count?
(-) stolen a car
(-) been to Japan
(-) played mailbox baseball
(GGGGGGGGGGGGG) ridden in a taxi
(-) been in love
(-) been dumped
(-) shoplifted
(-) been fired
(-) been in a fist fight
(G) kicked someone's ass :And a nice ass it was, i might add.
(G) snuck out of my parent's house :Who hasn't?
(G) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(G) ever dated someone of the same sex
(G) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(-) been arrested
(-) made out with a stranger
(G) stole something from my job :Im guilty of batteries and pilot pens.
(-) celebrated new years in time square
(-) gone on a blind date
(G) lied to a friend
(G) crush on a teacher
(-) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(-) been to Europe
(G) skipped school
(-) slept with a co-worker
(-) been married
(-) gotten divorced
(-) had children
(G) seen someone die : Being born, living and dying.. There's always someone crying, always mess to clear.
(-) been to Africa
(-) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(-) Been to Canada
(-) Been to Mexico
(G) Been on a plane
(G) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(-) Thrown up in a bar : i try to embarrass myself privately.
(-) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(G) Eaten Sushi
(-) Been snowboarding
(G) Been moshing at a concert
(;p had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(;p taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(G) been in an abusive relationship
(G) slapped someone you cared for intensely
(;p ever smoked marijuana
(-) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(-) lost a child
(G) gone to college
(G) graduated college
(G) taken painkillers
(-) love someone or miss someone right now
On an equally obtrusive level, blink.o.rama has images of celebrities caught in mid blink. Arnie's was rather entertaining, i thought.
Yes, im bored. Need you even ask?
Sunday, March 06, 2005
WHoOpS!
Listening to: The blower's daughter
Damien rice
Just broke my mirror today. Well.. cracked rather, a nice clean *kracckk* diagonally. Oh well. If i do get the recommended 7 years of bad luck (wait- or it that if i open my brollie indoors?), I 'spose i'll have the angst to blog till im 33.
So bizarre- I was in the multi-storied carpark last night waiting for a friend . The 4th floor had only two cars; the one i was in and this other suv. I was just lazily watching the guy park. He got out of the car. and i watched him take maybe 5 steps away from the doors when he apparently decided that he needed to repark. I was amused. Very conscientious this guy. It's 4 in the morning, and he's still trying to be a good man. The second attempt was pretty good, very parallel, nothing wrong that i cld see. Said nice man got out, *beeped* locked the car, walked away. This time he managed to get to the staircase before he was gripped with the urge to AGAIN repark.
Good grief.
I wonder what he's like at work.
Caught 'closer'. Nasty piece of work there. I only caught it because i was emotionally blackmailed. Yes- you know who you are :) God- it's so disillusioning! Just pass me the white habit someone, so i can hot step it to the convent! Geez.
I was telling this to hairy san and he told me this. " Come back to church. I'll introduce you to elligible men. Godly men. " God help me, but i burst into laughter at that point. He was nice enough to laugh along with me, but again he tried. Tis time with the slightly pained and exagerrated patience that i normally associate with old women with the scent of old rose. I tell him i didn't need his help, and frankly, am a little affronted that he had offered.
"You should be more serious about this. You must start planning already. Do you know what you want?" said the concerned one.
Oh hairy san. I do know what i want. I even have a prayer i use.
Dear heavenly father-
Thank you for the man whom i'll recognise when he smiles
A beauty all my own when i wake next to him
Let him be strong and steadfast, with a pure heart and devilish intent
Thank you for the man who is complete on his own, who wants but might not need,
let him be blessed with keen intellect, patience and kindness
and last but not least,
let him be godly endowed.
AMEN.
Damien rice
Just broke my mirror today. Well.. cracked rather, a nice clean *kracckk* diagonally. Oh well. If i do get the recommended 7 years of bad luck (wait- or it that if i open my brollie indoors?), I 'spose i'll have the angst to blog till im 33.
So bizarre- I was in the multi-storied carpark last night waiting for a friend . The 4th floor had only two cars; the one i was in and this other suv. I was just lazily watching the guy park. He got out of the car. and i watched him take maybe 5 steps away from the doors when he apparently decided that he needed to repark. I was amused. Very conscientious this guy. It's 4 in the morning, and he's still trying to be a good man. The second attempt was pretty good, very parallel, nothing wrong that i cld see. Said nice man got out, *beeped* locked the car, walked away. This time he managed to get to the staircase before he was gripped with the urge to AGAIN repark.
Good grief.
I wonder what he's like at work.
Caught 'closer'. Nasty piece of work there. I only caught it because i was emotionally blackmailed. Yes- you know who you are :) God- it's so disillusioning! Just pass me the white habit someone, so i can hot step it to the convent! Geez.
I was telling this to hairy san and he told me this. " Come back to church. I'll introduce you to elligible men. Godly men. " God help me, but i burst into laughter at that point. He was nice enough to laugh along with me, but again he tried. Tis time with the slightly pained and exagerrated patience that i normally associate with old women with the scent of old rose. I tell him i didn't need his help, and frankly, am a little affronted that he had offered.
"You should be more serious about this. You must start planning already. Do you know what you want?" said the concerned one.
Oh hairy san. I do know what i want. I even have a prayer i use.
Dear heavenly father-
Thank you for the man whom i'll recognise when he smiles
A beauty all my own when i wake next to him
Let him be strong and steadfast, with a pure heart and devilish intent
Thank you for the man who is complete on his own, who wants but might not need,
let him be blessed with keen intellect, patience and kindness
and last but not least,
let him be godly endowed.
AMEN.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Little miss moi
This morning was absolutely gorgeous :)
In the car, hurtling along with lush.. Equal amouts of rhythm to get my blood pumping and
oh-so- smooth tunes that make me feel that much more sensous. This particular station gets my groove everytime.
Along the ECP i never fail to look at the expanse of semi blocked sea that is the beach. Beaches have always been my balm, and this morning, with the slightly muted light and sweet stillness, is no exception. My favourite bit? The view of the singapore river leading out to the sea along the shears bridge. The fog adds a romantic surrealness to the skyline and marina south.
Just for a second , leaves shining throught the leaves of an old old raintree with an incredible broad canopy. Such picture perfect moments- i feel like a fool for thinking such thoughts, god knows i sound like a junkie, but i can't help it. Really ;)
E commented that i sound resentful of my surroundings. Do i really? Lol- would it make my blog more interesting, more scandalous if i posted images of what turns me on? I'll think about it :)
In the car, hurtling along with lush.. Equal amouts of rhythm to get my blood pumping and
oh-so- smooth tunes that make me feel that much more sensous. This particular station gets my groove everytime.
Along the ECP i never fail to look at the expanse of semi blocked sea that is the beach. Beaches have always been my balm, and this morning, with the slightly muted light and sweet stillness, is no exception. My favourite bit? The view of the singapore river leading out to the sea along the shears bridge. The fog adds a romantic surrealness to the skyline and marina south.
Just for a second , leaves shining throught the leaves of an old old raintree with an incredible broad canopy. Such picture perfect moments- i feel like a fool for thinking such thoughts, god knows i sound like a junkie, but i can't help it. Really ;)
E commented that i sound resentful of my surroundings. Do i really? Lol- would it make my blog more interesting, more scandalous if i posted images of what turns me on? I'll think about it :)
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Serious jane strikes again.
Listening to: the truth
india arie
I havn't been posting, a combination of mood and and preparing for the trials. Grateful there's something to throw myself into during the day. Truth is- i havn't had any compulsion to talk, much less write since the incident.
There isn't any sense in wondering why things happen. They do, you get over it, and everyone moves on. No one talks about it. Skirting round issues has never been my style. Again it doesn't matter because it isn't about what you think anymore, but instead the unsaid 'comfort factor' that everyone else needs. I used to think that i wld be able to make a difference if i opened my smart ass gape to just verbalise. Guess again sweetheart.
My parents wonder aloud if they were good parents, if they had done the right thing, and if what they've done ever made a difference. I wish i could say something that would make them feel better. I wish i were less honest. I can only say that people do what they can in their circumstance, but beyond that, i can offer no more comfort. The only thing that has been reinforced, is that parenthood is a cruel thing, and everyone is a victim. Observation and sense tell me there won't be a need for me in indulge in such frivolity in my lifetime.
india arie
I havn't been posting, a combination of mood and and preparing for the trials. Grateful there's something to throw myself into during the day. Truth is- i havn't had any compulsion to talk, much less write since the incident.
There isn't any sense in wondering why things happen. They do, you get over it, and everyone moves on. No one talks about it. Skirting round issues has never been my style. Again it doesn't matter because it isn't about what you think anymore, but instead the unsaid 'comfort factor' that everyone else needs. I used to think that i wld be able to make a difference if i opened my smart ass gape to just verbalise. Guess again sweetheart.
My parents wonder aloud if they were good parents, if they had done the right thing, and if what they've done ever made a difference. I wish i could say something that would make them feel better. I wish i were less honest. I can only say that people do what they can in their circumstance, but beyond that, i can offer no more comfort. The only thing that has been reinforced, is that parenthood is a cruel thing, and everyone is a victim. Observation and sense tell me there won't be a need for me in indulge in such frivolity in my lifetime.
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