Loserhood.Singlehood. One and the same?

Well now.

Apparently in Japan, women over 30 are called makeinu, or "losers".


The author of the article goes on to say, that

".there are many similarities between Singaporean and Japanese society. Both are patriarchal and hierarchical.... "

I'm surprised to read this in a newpaper. My goodness. Certainly sweepy enough of a statement though im not unpleased to see this. Oh sorry, let me rephrase that. A local newspaper. A quick glance from beneath arched brow reveals a name. Tisa Ng. Why am i not surprised to find a woman's name ? Surely you didn't expect to find a man writing that? Perish the thought. Im truly sorry, but the men i know personally seem to believe that there is no prejudice anymore in these present days. I'll admit, it's been greatly improved, but totally? Isn't it slightly .... somewhat .. naive?

By no means am i a feminist. I love my support too much to burn my lovely innerwear. I don't and never did believe in the equality of sexes. I love my men. I believe a man of the house is exactly that. A man who leads the household with decisions that i entrust the lives of our children to. I'd love to take off his shoes when he comes home, and give that neck rub. More. Believe me. But increasingly im frustrated with the roles im stereotyped with. Why? Cos it's women's work. So? I don't see you spearing oxen. Your boss doesn't count. And you sure as hell don't buy back any (faux) skins for me. I may give it all up for you. But acknowledge that it's a sacrifice first. Appreciate. Say thank you often. Don't tell me that it's a woman's lot.

We've both evolved, come a long way. Specialisation is for insects. Let's not even talk about the stereotypes re: giving in to the urge to settle down(or lack thereof) and give into the urge of procreating wildly. Seriously. You mean you didn't know women were that visual as well? Tsk tsk. Learn. It's ok. Im barely 26. You'll catch up.

Not a day back, someone was trying to convince me why it was better to be a woman. And why, pray tell, i asked? Orh, manchild said. Because..

• You get gifts.
• You get pampered.
• You don't get pressurized to earn
• You get to be taken care of
• You get to be courted.
• You get to experience the miracle of birth..

...lor.

Thats all very nice sweetie, but i'd like to have a little more as well. In fact, i think men get to experience most of the above said as well, no? I'd like to talk to a group of middle aged men, and not have their attention because my body is comprised of boobies and ass ( kay, fine, i do, but so not in the right proportions ;p), but because they might think i have something worthwhile to contribute. I'd like to past a construction site without having to swallow hard and act like i don't notice them noticing. I'd like to be treated like a lady, because i am, and no amount of wanting respect will change that.

Men might think- pah. Women. They want respect, but they want the door opened for them. They want us to be a man, but they want us to be sensitive to their needs as well. Why the f'ing hell can't they make up their fickle little minds? Didn't it ever occur to you, that as every man is different, so is every woman? They're called needs. And you'd do well to find out what they were instead of assuming.

I have no absolute answer for your questions, boys. We're annoying, but you don't have much of a choice. We're stuck with you too. We certainly didn't volunteer for the extra hormonal displacements and progressively saggier twiddly bits. Not even the government aka PAP will be able to cheer us up i can tell you that.

Not all women think the same way. Some overcompensate while trying to prove their independence. Some veer the other way, trying to garner as much attention as they can, not realising that sex is the lowest common denominator. I only wished that both sexes realised that times are changing, that there is no way a single sex can be cramped into acting a certain way. Some, like me, try to remain true to what they really want. It's hard. A life of deciding to be a makeinu. Things could be worse.

I'd love them a whole lot more if they were nibbly brown and 70% cocoa 

Cold cross buns.

Listening to: Sleeping with butterflies
tori amos

I was really hungry in the middle of the night and the fridge beckoned. The hor fun scared me off, so i slunk to the litchen counter. Hot cross buns. Well cooled. It's good friday already?

Memories. We used to get our buns from the cold storage at the old Ikea in katong. I'd play in the room filled almost to the brim with balls. Memories.

The parents are off visiting churches the catholic way today. Spend a bit of time contemplating in each, light the candles, drive off to the next church. I used to enjoy going, enjoyed the silences, the gravity of the people around me. Then again, when i was a little girl all i wanted was to be a nun. I'd listen to my parents religious tapes with sermons and read their books. My mother wld tell her friends and colleagues with false exasperation, and not a bit of pride. My grandmother (nanny) let out that my father had entered a seminary when he was younger, but it didnt work out. Perhaps his daughter would make the family proud.

Once i hit secondary school and the heights of puppy love.. all thoughts of taking a vow of eternal chastity vanished :) Suffice to say, my father was disappointed. I stopped going to church for years. It was only the last few years that had me feeling like something was missing.

Now having had my fill of both catholic and christian churches, i have to make a choice. Do i fall back on comfort and tradition? Or do i let myself enter the world of spirit filled services that move me so much? Why can't there be both? Why must something always be lost, exchanged, or sacrificed when something new is found?

Then again- im not exactly a commited person. It's good friday. I don't feel anything really. Easter is just lunch and easter eggs. Isn't that a bad sign? What if there wasn't such a thing as a god, but only mass hysteria, or rites that help people connect to their inner selves and give explanations for almost everything? (yeah, we'll never find out because god will let us know in his own time .Uh huh.)

Men always were attracted to familiarity and immortality.
Believe and you'll never die

Never name your daughter after a virtue like hope, like charity, and especially chastity :) My name will always be my biggest trial. I don't think the pragmatist in me will ever let me have 'complete faith'. In all honesty ( kay, if i get struck by lightning you'll all know why), unless something happens.. Unless i get healed instantaneously, unless he physically picks me up and dangles me over hell.. unless i see his face or hear his voice.. Until then i reserve my all.

I can't help it. He didn't give me a good mind to blindly accept all i hear.

I want to use a MRI to see if speaking in tongues activates the language center or that area which we use to day dream. I want more explanations. I want fact.

But why do i get so touched sometimes then?

Listening to: dry your eyes
The streets

Thoughts upon thoughts
memories within memories
my soul a battlefield
the rivalry of my elements

By reason, that force confining
By passion, those flames that burn
Finally understanding
that bitter poison by which the physician within heals.

Wierd shite.

Strange.

I came back to find my mirror shattered and all over my room floor. Its the second one in..2 weeks? And i've never broken a mirror in my entire life before.

Coincidentally, my bathroom light blew last week.

Oo-er.

Pot shot 3

Talk about bizarre service.

I was having dinner , and i already had my meal set on my side. The friend's waiting for his. The waiter comes with a burger, and attempts to serve me.

Um.

Hello? im hungry, but not that hungry. Didn't it occur to him that if a table only has two orders, and there are only two people, it generally follows that it's a dish per person?

Amazing.

Pot shot 2

Here's a little something something that got me just a leetle conscious.

i have an old subject, a really buff guy my age who takes delight in mentioning that he could bench press 3 of me at one go. I did have fun at his expense previously, telling him that our equiptment could detect steriods. That was fun. He had come in once with a stick-on tattoo of a ..flower no less, all very nice and pastel'ly. I ribbed him telling him he could be honest with moi about his 'orientations'.

On friday i was talking to him about his present trial, when suddenly he looked at me with this wierd look on his face.

Buffboy.of.dubious.orientation: hey- there's something else i wanted to ask.
Moi: Sure- ask away.
B.O.D.O: I'd like to introduce you to some of my friends.
Moi: (*slaps forhead* How many times do i have to go through this??? YEARGGH!) Oh?
B.O.D.O: Im sure you'll like her.
Moi: Nonono..waitaminute. Did you say.. HER? (If my left eyebrow shoots any higher, it's going to migrate to my a**)
B.O.D.O: Hur hur. What do you think?
Moi: As in.. a gay?
B.O.D.O: NO lah- a chick like yerself.

He leans closer, taking advantage of my understandable confusion. He whispers conspiratorially.

B.O.D.O: Does your door swing that way?


Oh. Dear. God. People- make up your mind. I cannot be too gu niang and a butch at the same time can i?

Pot shots?

Not.

I went to catch boogeyman on friday night.

Halfway through the opening, i started to get a little fidgity. This wasn't as b grade as i thought it would be, the seats on my right are as empty and black as hell, and is that my imagination cos i see something moving and omg the music is freakin loud and.. You get the idea. Bless her heart, fiona notices. I swap seats so she's on my right, and a couple is down a few seats to my left. Much better.

Suddenly i notice the girl from the couple swapping seats as well. I also notice she's just one seat away from me. Obviously someone's been doing a little illegal shifting down the row.
She notices me looking, turns to me, puts a hand on her chest like she's having pains and gives me a sheepish smile.

"i scared also mah"




LOL!!

Finicky eater i am.

This is what happens when you discuss the zodiac with women. Our observations coincided for certain zodiac signs, esp for a few particular ones. Gemini's, leo's, scorpio's... All fascinating but we loved to hate them :) Don't cry, a few foolish women's opinions only counts for entertainment at best.

Lucid's guide to dating by the zodiac. Heh.heh. heh.

Aries 3/21-4/19
They have been fiery, very *you have no idea* opiniated, and slightly stubborn. No metrosexuals here, they were manly men! I liked their zest for knowing their own mind, but i remained too much of my own woman to be them with for long periods. Plus point? Rather ambitious, and they've all done very well for themselves. Plus they're rather randy :)

Leo 7/23-8/22
Too charming by half. Did i say half? God, i meant entirely too much! And they're aware of it! Driven, but mostly able to be personable at the same time. I've usually been very attracted to them, both physically and mentally. They can be as intense or lighthearted as men come, and it drives me nuts. Also tend to be flirts and boys at heart, but at least they're mostly bright. Oh- strangely, the ones i met in this sign seem closer to the mothers. What i didn't like? They weren't that eager to try out..uh..they had their own routines which they stuck to. Nice boys, i'll always have a ready scratch for these big cats.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
One of my faves. Very stable, very easy going, i've had fun having fun with them. Very sweet, pretty trustworthy, always determined which also translates into being task oriented. *coughs*

Taurus 4/20-5/20
They're a little too down to earth for me. And not willing to go over the edge enough.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
There have got to be a few signs i've not seen that much of, obviously. Im not that much of a social butterfly :) This wld be one of them. A little too meticulous for me.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Workaholics!! Lovely when they've come out to play with me. Usually serious, might have a little temper but otherwise i have no qualms.

Gemini 5/21-6/21
Oh god-I swear. these men are like women! I never can tell where i am with them. When they're happy, they're really happy. When they're on one of their moods..oh boy. In short- unpredictable. Great conversationists, im very at home with these men. When they have their happy mask on that is.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Another of those signs i don't see much of.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Im happy to say the men of this sign aren't as frivalous as the women. Which personally i don't see as a problem of course :)) For those of you who havn't guessed, im a water baby as well. All righty, back to the men. Not conventionally beautiful, they have an intensity, a charm that stems from the fact that i've never seen them over eager. NEVER. In fact- it's a mystery how they let on that they're interested in women. Huh. Most that i've met have been quietly intelligent, often beautifully creative.

Cancer 6/22-7/22
Um. Snags? They want babies more than i do! Nice people but im not a kitchen goddess, sorry.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Sexy as hell, but with a stuborrn streak as only they can come with, a tendency to have a violent temper, and oh 'so' superbly communicative. I like a domineering man but.. this group is far too much for me.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Could i say that ALL the ones i've met have been romantic? Or tried their darndest to? A little clingy sometimes. To me lah. I can't speak for everyone. Sheesh.

Lucid takes no responsibility for whatever happens (or doesn't) as a result of her girlfriends reading this. Go pin your relationship woes on someone else sistah. And men- if all else fails, always remember to be at the very least a gentleman.

Brevity.

People,

Questions, questions :) I made no mistake when i mentioned winter harvesting for wine in my previous post. Eiswine, literally ice wine in german. You're missing out, is all i can say :)

That's it for tonight. After a call i'm too distracted to write much, and i have people to inflict pain on bright and early at 7am in the morning tomorrow. *Ho-hum* Just another day in the life of a needle wielding fiend.

Letter.

It's sad when needless necessities are followed through with.

Needless because you know there must be a better way. Necessity because if it doesn't, bad things happen.

I had a friendship that i truly believed could stand up to the rigours of time. I guess.. if someone can get married and leave the parents, so likewise a friendship can be dictated by a relationship. I understand it, but like so many other things, i wish i had nothing to do with it.



Plucked.

Angel- it pains me more than i've said to have this happen. In a world where there is so much uncertainty, you were a constant that i had come to believe would aways be around.

~~~@

Listening to: Love divine
Seal

Would that i lived on your fragrance
like a bloom on the strength of your sweet light
that your hands would tend to me
to me, to me, your hands on me alone

In your care my vines will yield
In your patience you gather harvest
And in my winter are pruned my sweetest

By the fire, when wine is tasted
each draught, each sip, every taste.
Intoxicating,
the rememberence.

LA La LA

I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day!

I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation!

I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers!

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while!

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores!

I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

Pass the tissues around.

Listening to: Cannonball
Damien Rice

It's monday, and my girls at work are taking turns getting incapacitated by the flu virus. Again. It's making its second round, largely due to the fact that we spread it faster than we can get well. I feel sorry for the lady who clears our bins.. The contents are probably more hazardous than the labs outside. Poor thing. I must plant some of our tissues inside senior managment's office.. Or swab the doorknobs. Or something.

I took the practical (and hasty) step of confirming with ly that i'd stay at least till the end of the year. Urgh. More fool me, but it's done. At least i can still fantasize.

Top 10 most Applicable Things I'd Love to Say But Don't.

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
Lucid says: I used to think it was just me but everyone else says your're full of shite too.

2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Lucid says: Don't mistake my lack of a response for empathy.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?
Lucid says: Don't ask me if im free when you've just asked me to do something that minutes before you've claimed was my number one priority.

4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lucid says: Ignorance is your bliss and my personal hell.

5) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Lucid says: Im guessing this won't be anytime soon.

6) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Lucid says: If i screw up my face when you're talking, don't believe me when i say im not feeling well.

7) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Lucid says: ...

8) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Lucid says: Also slightly hysterical, depending on the nearest deadline.

9) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Lucid says: Thank you for recognising that fact and planning ahead in advance.

10) File that under "Never".
Lucid says: 'nuff said.

I rise when its dark, and leave when it's darker.

Listening to: They
Jem

I've been exhausted for the past 2 weeks. Wake, rush to work, go home after a 12-14 day, have dinner if there's anything appetising and i feel like it, sleep. I dream of work, all the unfinished issues i've left behind. Weekends have been chaotic, like im determined to spend myself even more just because im not at work. At the end, i always wish i had a little more sleep. I'm plumbing the depths of low- my subjects want to matchmake me! Someone my age. Humph. Thanks arh. I think my wrinkles take on sinister lines when im not looking. How else can i explain the offers to meet people as if i have a bloody great sign tacked to my head? Mumble grumble.

Isn't there supposed to be something more to life than this? And if there is.. what*where*when*how*?

Im searching. Really.

Self entertaining.

I GIVE IN!!

You know those "20 little things about me" posts where you spew intimate details that no one else wants to hear? Well- i believe in karma. This is for the all the times i've read 'em. G marks the spot, now read on :)

(G) been drunk
(G) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(G) kissed a member of the same sex
(-) crashed a friend's car :Does making someone dent his own count?
(-) stolen a car
(-) been to Japan
(-) played mailbox baseball
(GGGGGGGGGGGGG) ridden in a taxi
(-) been in love
(-) been dumped
(-) shoplifted
(-) been fired
(-) been in a fist fight
(G) kicked someone's ass :And a nice ass it was, i might add.
(G) snuck out of my parent's house :Who hasn't?
(G) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(G) ever dated someone of the same sex
(G) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(-) been arrested
(-) made out with a stranger
(G) stole something from my job :Im guilty of batteries and pilot pens.
(-) celebrated new years in time square
(-) gone on a blind date
(G) lied to a friend
(G) crush on a teacher
(-) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(-) been to Europe
(G) skipped school
(-) slept with a co-worker
(-) been married
(-) gotten divorced
(-) had children
(G) seen someone die : Being born, living and dying.. There's always someone crying, always mess to clear.
(-) been to Africa
(-) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(-) Been to Canada
(-) Been to Mexico
(G) Been on a plane
(G) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(-) Thrown up in a bar : i try to embarrass myself privately.
(-) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(G) Eaten Sushi
(-) Been snowboarding
(G) Been moshing at a concert
(;p had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(;p taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(G) been in an abusive relationship
(G) slapped someone you cared for intensely
(;p ever smoked marijuana
(-) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(-) lost a child
(G) gone to college
(G) graduated college
(G) taken painkillers
(-) love someone or miss someone right now


On an equally obtrusive level, blink.o.rama has images of celebrities caught in mid blink. Arnie's was rather entertaining, i thought.



Yes, im bored. Need you even ask?

WHoOpS!

Listening to: The blower's daughter
Damien rice

Just broke my mirror today. Well.. cracked rather, a nice clean *kracckk* diagonally. Oh well. If i do get the recommended 7 years of bad luck (wait- or it that if i open my brollie indoors?), I 'spose i'll have the angst to blog till im 33.

So bizarre- I was in the multi-storied carpark last night waiting for a friend . The 4th floor had only two cars; the one i was in and this other suv. I was just lazily watching the guy park. He got out of the car. and i watched him take maybe 5 steps away from the doors when he apparently decided that he needed to repark. I was amused. Very conscientious this guy. It's 4 in the morning, and he's still trying to be a good man. The second attempt was pretty good, very parallel, nothing wrong that i cld see. Said nice man got out, *beeped* locked the car, walked away. This time he managed to get to the staircase before he was gripped with the urge to AGAIN repark.

Good grief.

I wonder what he's like at work.

Caught 'closer'. Nasty piece of work there. I only caught it because i was emotionally blackmailed. Yes- you know who you are :) God- it's so disillusioning! Just pass me the white habit someone, so i can hot step it to the convent! Geez.

I was telling this to hairy san and he told me this. " Come back to church. I'll introduce you to elligible men. Godly men. " God help me, but i burst into laughter at that point. He was nice enough to laugh along with me, but again he tried. Tis time with the slightly pained and exagerrated patience that i normally associate with old women with the scent of old rose. I tell him i didn't need his help, and frankly, am a little affronted that he had offered.

"You should be more serious about this. You must start planning already. Do you know what you want?" said the concerned one.

Oh hairy san. I do know what i want. I even have a prayer i use.

Dear heavenly father-
Thank you for the man whom i'll recognise when he smiles
A beauty all my own when i wake next to him
Let him be strong and steadfast, with a pure heart and devilish intent
Thank you for the man who is complete on his own, who wants but might not need,
let him be blessed with keen intellect, patience and kindness
and last but not least,
let him be godly endowed.
AMEN.

Little miss moi

This morning was absolutely gorgeous :)

In the car, hurtling along with lush.. Equal amouts of rhythm to get my blood pumping and
oh-so- smooth tunes that make me feel that much more sensous. This particular station gets my groove everytime.

Along the ECP i never fail to look at the expanse of semi blocked sea that is the beach. Beaches have always been my balm, and this morning, with the slightly muted light and sweet stillness, is no exception. My favourite bit? The view of the singapore river leading out to the sea along the shears bridge. The fog adds a romantic surrealness to the skyline and marina south.

Just for a second , leaves shining throught the leaves of an old old raintree with an incredible broad canopy. Such picture perfect moments- i feel like a fool for thinking such thoughts, god knows i sound like a junkie, but i can't help it. Really ;)

E commented that i sound resentful of my surroundings. Do i really? Lol- would it make my blog more interesting, more scandalous if i posted images of what turns me on? I'll think about it :)

Serious jane strikes again.

Listening to: the truth
india arie

I havn't been posting, a combination of mood and and preparing for the trials. Grateful there's something to throw myself into during the day. Truth is- i havn't had any compulsion to talk, much less write since the incident.

There isn't any sense in wondering why things happen. They do, you get over it, and everyone moves on. No one talks about it. Skirting round issues has never been my style. Again it doesn't matter because it isn't about what you think anymore, but instead the unsaid 'comfort factor' that everyone else needs. I used to think that i wld be able to make a difference if i opened my smart ass gape to just verbalise. Guess again sweetheart.

My parents wonder aloud if they were good parents, if they had done the right thing, and if what they've done ever made a difference. I wish i could say something that would make them feel better. I wish i were less honest. I can only say that people do what they can in their circumstance, but beyond that, i can offer no more comfort. The only thing that has been reinforced, is that parenthood is a cruel thing, and everyone is a victim. Observation and sense tell me there won't be a need for me in indulge in such frivolity in my lifetime.