Listening to: 2046 o.s.t

It must have looked like i was supremely stoned.

Perched on edge of chair with legs crossed and shoe dangling, my neck against the rest; fingertip on fingertips, tucked into the space between chair and back. The pen still lies under hand, but all thought of work is gone as i gaze up at the dimmed lights in office. Of late i favour tracks with superbly strong melodic arrangements; rich and stimulating to which my thoughts drift after. Food for my silent ruminations. The only analogy that comes is of strong, warm hands and pressure on just the right spot. Closing of eyes and appreciation comes..instinctively, unhesitatingly,unabashedly.

Glen ong seriously makes me want to claw the stirrups out of my ears.

Listening to: Symphony
sarah brightman

"He said you guys were dating or a while".

Really? He actually said that? I want to laugh and wonder idly if i do it hard enough, whether i can blow bubbles in my soup. Laugh not at him, but at the fact that i am so incredibly stupid!

Instead i put on my clueless persona, make mock sounds of surprises. It comes out that he had told her this when we first met, and i am so taken aback i can't help doing a quick slack jaw. Thank god for things to shove into your mouth when trying hard to hide your confusion.

How do you know when a date is a date, not an exercise in platonic companionship? I honestly am perplexed. What seems like a come on from one, is just an oft used gesture to another. At times like this, I wish i was like some of my girls. Flirtation personified. They know when to laugh, when to lean, when to touch, when to take up a tease. And they know how to say goodbye the right way. Me? I just run off. What you do affects me, you'd better believe it, but then again it might be the effect of an overactive imagination, no? I take everything just as a friend would, take everyone as just that, a friend. Even less because i know which direction my flirts take me. I am a useless female, wot!

It's so surreal walking in the museum in the middle of the night. The Asian Civilisation Museum was having one of its all nighters, and it was lovely to walk without the hoardes. In some rooms, we were the only people, and we had all the time in the world to explore. The lighting flitted around the exhibits and the music seemed louder because of the lack of conversation, making the whole setting more of a dreamscape. The group split up, and i must have ended up a little lost looking because one of the security guards started asking me what i wanted. It must have been my lucky lucky day, because it was his first day (duh) and he couldn't help me anyways. Thanks for asking but.. no thanks.

I take a minute's walk to the river. Facing the fullerton and soaking in the views of the lit up bridge, the loveliness of the night, and the lack of people. I've never been here at this time of the night while being perfectly sober. Hearing muffled laughs, i spin round to realise there is still a couple, furiously necking away in the furthest seat. Looks like i'm not the only one who had a good time. Smiling, i turn to catch my ride.

Listening to: A borrowed ladder
gattaca o.s.t

Startlement, when i realise that no, i don't want that much more really.

People around me seem to be the catalyst for my recent dawnings, and like a conduit i cannot resist being drawn closer, drawn in. Initial sparks are easy to come by. It is the prolongment, the staying power that i wish i could find within me. It is the taming of lust, the temperence of gratification,the wisdom of differentiation and the search for validation of my decision not to settle.

When i say, or think to myself out aloud that time is running out, it isn't the settling bit i am worried about; the black and white of categorisation that i usually abstain from seems to suddenly be the reason behind my fresh bouts of restlessness. Compulsion not from a norm, but a self imposed morality of whether its right or wrong, if i shld just follow the immoderate urgings of my emotions.

Not wanting to find myself at home just yet, i sit by the stone seats at the canal. The inlet comes straight from sungei api api, from the salty, calming sea. With the tides come the wind and it lifts my hair off my shoulder. What i would do for a touch that light that sends both shivers and comfort. i close my eyes and feel slightly beatific for a second.

I thought i was lost, but it was only because i didn't know what it was that i was searching for.

I know, i've already been crucified for my self indulgence.

I feel like i've desecrated this little spot which i first staked as all mine, with censorship. Ultimately, I write for myself; not for anything, or anyone else. It will never be a place that i will care to put much of a face to, not unlike the many other things that i do.

I AM: overtly simple.
I WANT: to be content.
I WISH: i had enough courage.
I HATE: spitefullness.
I MISS: spicy kfc drumlets.
I FEAR: not living fully.
I HEAR: more than I let on.
I WONDER: whats in store for me.
I REGRET: nothing. Except not taking up your offers.
I AM NOT: a writer.
I DANCE: with closed eyes.
I SING: when i think no one will hear.
I CRY: and get over it.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: feeling what i show.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: gestures to soothe.
I WRITE: not to be read.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I NEED: better sleep.
I SHOULD: be nicer to you.
I START: with the best intentions.
I FINISH: later.
I LOVE: being carried.
I REMEMBER: you.

Listening to: Black milk
massive attack

My diaphanous understanding of emotions, how they work and the romanticist in me, have been given the go ahead to co-exist with the pragmatist in me tonight.. I will always want what i want. You reminded me.

It amuses me, when people drone on about building walls, like it is so easy to truss up your humaness, like a leaden marionette with a statement of 'i've been there, no more'. Do you honestly think you can blindly ignore what surges through you at the least expected moment? That even though you say you don't want the pain, at the back of your little broken heart it waits with bloody breath for the moment you can at last slumber in the arms of someone you call beloved? I understand, and i'm sorry you feel this way.

You've told me. You want to be heard. I'm not the only exhibitionist, and your need for wanting to be engaged, heard, is so tumescent that it feels like it is going to explode all over my face as i scrutinise you. You want to be engaged, and you, you poor fool, pain can never be brushed off, only slightly muffled by your ego defences and psychological frou frou.

Your heart is sanctitiously yours no matter what it feels like at times. Unfortunately, dear one, that means you get to drink in all of its glorious wine, alternatingly cloying and vile.

Listening to: Princess superstar
perfect exceeder

Some women lose weight from their faces. Others from their arms, tummies, ect. Working out has garnered me nothing except continually shrinking boobies. I feel a little betrayed by my body (as fat but flatter is never anyone's goal) but at least im getting some use out of my shoelocker.

Against my better judgement, i decided to wear a never worn,pretty pucci like dress (the kind that stays up by magick!), and something a little warmer over since its been almost literally freezing.

After stepping out, i noticed that the fit of the elastic was a little looser, and surreptitious adjustments were needed from time to time to make me feel that much more secure. Since it was dark out and i was late as usual, against my better judgement i decided not to go back and do a change although the thought of a nipplegate mishap did flash unfortunately quickly pass. Halfway through dinner after much laughing, dessert and after dinner drinks, i noticed that i was a leetle colder. A rush of sudden chest awareness had me realising that my left girl was as bare as..she has ever been in a cosy group that didn't involve water sports. And i had been so engaged in my friends that i had no idea what had happened, so i couldn't even gauge how long she had been left out in the cold!

I am so thankful for the weather. And for long hair.

Garh.

listening to: when all is said and done
tommy walker

The mysteries of life. Didn't go to the gym for 3 weeks, and was finally dragged down by some persuasive fitness freak. The bizarre thing is that.. my muscle mass and basal metabolic rate went up! If crap food, sitting for extended periods and not enough rest consistently give me results like this, im a believer. Holy shit. And the best part is my fat percentage went down by 3%. Amazing. I'm actually excited about something. Another unusual thing :)

Nights at work have been even more brain numbing. Managed to escape for a few hours to kim seng road yesterday, used my subject's bath and look fresh (relatively) for dosing at 7am. Not the most glorious feeling, but breaktime is breaktime *grin* I am reminded of what breasts feel like against my back, reminded that i am ragingly ravenous of late, but it is not what i am looking for.

I don't get it. Either i've looking extra friendly or i've been giving off the wrong vibes. Either way it can't be all good. I've been asked to surf, which sounds brillo, and to Hong Kong. to shop and disneyland. So you see, i can't win. I either look unapproachable when i don't smile, or easy when i laugh with you? No prizes for guessing if i'll go. I want a holiday though. Big sigh.

My 2 angels are flying away. Taiwan has gone, and dubai is impending.

New job pending. Travel 30% of the time.

Bought myself a lil more education, so i'll have less mo-nay and time. i don't exactly crave them right now.

Too many changes, too little constant.

Listening to: If i fell
The Beatles

Have you ever wished you could relinquish the upbringing you'd always held dear?

If one didn't know what was socially right and wrong, then we would not have the same expectations. If we didn't hold our conceived rights close to our hearts, then we would be more accepting. And it follows that if we are more accepting, we'd be easily happier with what we presently perceive as a slightly stunted way of life. No pun intended. *rolls eyes*

If we didn't know what was right or wrong, we'd follow what feels best; instead of rationalising, we'd just.. be. We wouldn't know second best, we couldn't care even if we did, because we'd be too busy giving a damn about the what we have.

It sounds so indecidedly unsingaporean, so contrary to what we've been taught and yearn for.

What do you crave for today?

How many of us are craving the exact same thing, at the exact same moment, the same quietly desperate moments that all people must face?

I know. I creep myself out sometimes :p~

listening to: daughter
pearl jam

3 minutes to 0500. I've been tossing under, over, without my sheets for slightly less than 9000 seconds. I have a meeting in 3 hours. Frustrated, i get out of bed, fling my legs over the side. The floor is freezing, and i pull my sweater back on. Im too listless to wear anything on my feet, and they feel ice cold to me.

There is nothing that appeals to me right now to fill up the time. Havn't gamed for the longest time, don't feel like talking, the trilogy next my pillow seems like a pointless, childish, waste of time. I gave a dead line to give up smoking by june a few days back. I wonder if i need have bothered with the vow, because what i used to enjoy, feel pleasure with, and grin at the thought of a drinkees with like minded people who breathed in the same air as me, now gives no pull. The past few sticks have been ditched after a few drags. The smell of beer left too long makes my stomach loopy.

I rake my fingers through my hair , walk up to my room windows, look at the grills on the windows, into the multi story parking lot across. Bars across bars. Intrusions into my privacy, the building across. I used to feel so angry, that i had to keep my curtains closed all the time once it was up.

Now i wonder again, need i have bothered?

Even without these conceived barriers, inconveniences, freedom hamperers, i think we still do well enough to put invisible ones around ourselves.

There is only one thing i want to know right now, and that is when i'll be able to have the sweetest sleep again.