Our emotions are far from numb
Our engagements mean more than the sharing of flesh
As we open the minds of our souls and confess

Sitting across the table from you
There's no view of my behind
focus on my conversation
The collective thoughts of my mind

Intrigue is the theme of this murmuring well,
Where the passion that's shared
we both fail to quell.

listening to: better days
goo goo dolls

Have a secret to share?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

listening to: dirty little secret
all american rejects


The other night i was in a room which was known to be..occupied, and i heard a loud noise which sounded like someone weeping. You know, when someone reaches that stage where they have no breath because of the intensity of the crying, and breathing makes a high pitched, indrawn keen during the inhalation ?

No prizes for guessing, i ran out of the room and waited outside the loo for chris to come out. Fuck me. I had no time to feel that spooked, it was pure reaction which propelled me out that room.

I walk around blind, believing in the painful adage 'vanity ( the equivalent of intellectual disability for me ) over death'.

There've been many times i've thought of enhancing my eyesight with surgery, but minor details perish that thought. The last time i tried contacts i couldn't get them out; it was only with the flood of desperate tears induced by a certain foreign object on my eyeball (ie: my finger) that enabled it to slide out by accident. Imagine if you could see certain things you'd rather not; say, the grime on the floor at a hawker center, or a morning after reflection in the mirror.. I was reminded again today why sometimes less than acute eyesight is great for sanity. For all the rest of the times, going bespectacled and lab coated suits me fine.

1# Walking down the street, i was suddenly blinded by a not so young woman who was sitting with her gold and silver shod feet swinging in the bright sunlight. Grabbing the arm beside me, we started together at the feet. There were... things.. jingling, shiny, plasticky things on the straps that looked like the ornaments on my tree. I stood humbled at that moment. Never will i laugh at some of things sold on the shelf, because i know there are people who actually wear them.

2# Offering extra large chewy sweeties around after a lunch, a certain male was having fun playing with the remnants of the sweet, rolling it around on his lips and making gastly faces. I stared at the sweet. It was green. The sweets i gave out were white. At least we all know he enjoys his dietary fibre.

Fine fine, forget about reading that last post already. I knew it was vague but i think i should delete it based on the number of ," What was that post about?" from those who knew what happened. If that's not a sign that there's something terribly terribly wrong with the writing...

This christmas was a bit non existant for me.. The mother asked for the christmas tree to be put up only to find that she had forgotten she had thrown it away last year. This year she and my father did a mini-lets-not-try-to-kill-the-plant-with-lights thingie, and it turned out pretty nice albeit a day before christmas. Everyone wrapped presents the night before, and i'm pretty sure none of us was into it. Shopping was so last minute i brought my stash to the christmas eve do at my friends place and did it there. Was a bit saddened by my fathers question to me.. I had laughingly told him that i knew i had inherited my wrapping skills from him when he asked if his prezzie was all right. Inclining my head and waiting for him to tell me what he meant, he continued and mentioned that he didn't know if i wld think it was good enough.. Frankly i wldn't care if i didn't get a tangible gift. Sometimes the ones that don't cost anything are the hardest to find.

New year's was novel, with a session at a friends place passed up in place of helping another with his sausages (hottie dogs) at the esplanade. I stood for 12 straight hours dealing with german wieners and smoked cheese, a rained out tentage that made wearing slip ons that much more disgusting, more onions than i have dealt with in my entire f'in life but it was not surprisingly, very satisfying. Te fireworks were *almost* amazing. Hobbling home with an assortment of balloons, lightsticks in a variety of shapes and a stray buns, i was happy that it wasn't an exercise in uselessness and forced bonheur.

It's pretty amusing but these weeks of festivity i've seen more couples yelling their lungs out at each other in public. From docile males who meekly follow an obviously pissed girlfriend stomping away, to small tug of wars to prevent one half from getting into a cab; it's all been rather heartwarming actually.

A few placid butterflies let loose, helpful directions from an observant doorman; a hop, skip and bright smile later, i was in the office. Smiling, genuine trainer is putty in my hands and his sales manager is introduced to me a while later. After about an hour, i have all the information i need. He is shifty and eager to pounce on my lack of knowledge, but my eager intentness seems to make him want to seem more knowledgeble. Why do men always assume women wear their emotions on their sleeve? I'm shown round the office, and mental notes are taken.

Leaving and patting my bag, i smile demurely at him as he sends me on my way, insisting on walking a short way with me. A short while later, some long awaited information is passed to another sales manager, from another company.

Fact or fiction?

Interesting times :)

When my fingers are poised above the keyboard, somehow blog paralysis just sets in. Bits of what i want to write about seem to be painfully inadequate for sharing. Scattered thoughts, fit only for mulling over to oneself.

Like how i would have liked to write about leaving the house before lunch. It's rare enough, god knows typically i wouldn't be caught dead walking out in the sun at that time with the throngs in town. The sun beats down, people squeeze, heat makes your neck feel slightly damp, and it's impossible to get a cab. Not that day though.. I took a train with w from the east, and walked from city hall to clarke quay.. My moans and groans were cheerfully ignored with perky comments about how nice it was to be out without having to work, how the weather was nice and slightly foreign because it was rather cool; a particular brand which had extra menthol was pushed into my hand to keep me happy like the world's thinnest pacifier. And as i walked, i noticed that it really was beautiful. It was cool, the air blew into my shirt and out the hem, making w laugh, and keeping me mild. We settled for merchant court and sat outside, savouring the smell of kebabs and strong coffee which whafted across from the little hut in which a chef was having fun with his tools. Mmm. Oh. And i took a baby for a walk by the river. First time, and scarily it was quite at ease on me. An entire person, nestled between the curves of my front, toe occasionally kicking my belly button. I've never had my hair eaten before.

Or i could talk about friends leaving for another land, and though laughs and promises to meet up when-ever where-ever abound, you just know it isn't going to happen. Not content to leave in ones anymore, friends now leave in two's, promising to send pictures of kids, house and hopefully bigger car if i don't plan on visiting anytime soon. I always wonder if i'll ever leave.

I've realised suddenly that angel and i have truly moved on and that it'll be the kind of friendship where overnight stays won't pose a threat anymore to anyone.

Had my first financial 'betweeen a rock and hard place' dilemma. Just your usual run of the mill unexpected, urgent, deplete your christmas/festive budget /bonus situation which has aged me a little. Nothing more makes you feel so trapped, i swear.

December always has me contemplative, and all i have to show for my ruminations is tinsel from the keyboard. The user before me has very creative AND extremely stiky fingers.

And today in line with how i feel.. pictures of the world's ugliest dog. I would have put up pictures of myself before morning coffee but i didn't want to scare you. The first time i saw his ugly mug, the first thought that struck me was that it looked like a species of hellhound. Hello Sam!



Nono, he isn't outwardly very diseased, he just..is.

Here's a quiz for you. What is Sam? (courtesy of http://sam-the-man.net/)

1. A cloned experiment gone wrong
2. A lawyer
3. An Alien
4. A deep fried hotdog
5. Your ex-girlfriend

And this is why you shld never feed one after midnight. Seriously though, sammy is a pedigree chinese crested hairless, which is more than i can say for myself.

What the hell.. Are those knuckles?? Anyway, the owner's dress sense gives allowance for her taste in dogs. Its a little bizarre. Apparently this little guy has to have treatments of an acidic formula to clear away the dead skin cells every few days, and his mommy squuezes his blackheads for him.

Sadly, he has since passed on, with many mourning his loss and questioning the ideal of beauty. Rest in peace sammy.

Was I bewitched so by a thin red line
To notice not that time released its hold
And let snip the silver twine
taking sweetest youth
isn't that the gospel truth?

When you watch love stories, it's easy to go along with the dreamy theme. Youth brings with it the beauty of the body, innocence and and a beguiling enthusiasm. Think unjaded bright eyes and boundless energy. Wasn't it always the easiest to fall when the object of your affection had the lines and style equal to that of a luxury car , or the manner of an angel perhaps?

Sometimes i think of my patients, what needs to be done for them; then i look at the other half and feel ashamed that i could never bring myself to do that. Not because of a shunnning of what needs to done, but a fear that a familiarity this much and this great would kill any intimacy and even respect that's left. It's not a fear of wrinkles, or the lack of a few functions, but total dependency. Think the most basic of needs. Its the total antithesis of what a man or woman should be like. For women because they can't serve or satisfy, for men because they are more helpless than a babe and women will never be satisfied if they are in a prolonged situation where the rules are reversed.

What i would give, to feel even a half hearted willing for this.

Discipline, where no one notices, has never been my big thing. In the fullness of a particular kind of companionship, somehow writing palls :)

So i was reading one of the reviews in the papers about the exorcism of Emily Rose, and it was saying it was the scariest movie in town? No shite. I caught it during a sneak about 2 weeks ago, and i felt slightly mad (schizophrenic, like) after watching it. Typically it's the korean, or the japanese cheap frights which get me. When was the last time you were afraid?

About 2 days later at work, i was feeling slightly off and so, encouraged by colleagues, went for a lie down in one of the rooms not currently utilised by any of the volunteers. This was late, about 1 in the morning. Taking along sheets and blankie, i made myself comfy, and drifted off almost instantly. Some time later, i thought i heard someone come into the room. Not being sure if this was just another vividly lucid dream, or if i was in fact awake, i waited for a while to see if the noises came to a head ie: i see the reason i heard noises. I didn't see anything, so i tried to sit up. It seemed like my mind was awake, but my body wasn't, and so i had no choice but to continue lying. I didn't see anyone come into the room, but i did see the edge of the screens i had pulled round my bed for privacy move slightly. Squinting in effort, trying to shut aside the blurriness of sleep, i could only see the curtain being slightly tugged, as if someone wanted to peek at me, but let the screen fall back each time, only to try again . I tried to lift my arms to grab ahold of the cot sides to pull myself up, but again with the haziness of sleep or dreams, i hadn't the strength to. The last straw was when i heard bells chiming. Whoah.

The chimes were light and sweet, and rather than add to the intensification of fear, i was filled with a sense of urgency which helped me struggle to wake/sit. I told rach, a peer, what had happened, and she put it down to the bloody show. For those of you who watched the movie, the time i woke was 3.10am.

The next night, i told a friend what had happened, and she asked which room i had been in. I told her it was the 'green'. She smiled, and told me never to sleep in either the 'yellow' or 'green' room. Apparently she can see things, and see she did in those two rooms.

Wussy people shouldn't watch horror movies, and i've vowed not to anymore.

Damn.

vegetated

Its incredible, but im hooked!

I've been vegan for 4 days! .

!!!

If you realize what a meat and potatoes girl i was, and compare it to the fact that now i juice for breakfast and look for vegetarian establishments that are out of my way.. I look for organic options! How wierd is that? I've gotta let you know it feels incredible. Seriously. The only hang up is when i attempt to whip up something for myself in a self righteous fit.

One morning i tripped down to get supplies for recipes that i wanted to try out and ended up with all sorts of eats in my cart that still had clumps of soil on them. When i pointed this out to my companion, i only got a disgusted look, and an admonishment. I was exhilarated though. This must be like what shopping feels like for some women. You don't simply up with an article, you end up with potential!

I got back and decided to start on the chives first because they looked the easiest to handle. I managed to get a good look at the soily roots, and instantly my imagination went into overdrive. Did you know, that chives have hollow leaves which look like fun for a myriad of small, women hated bugs? Thank god no maggoty creep or other miscellaneous crawlies were found, and i made my first organic salad. Or first salad, period.

Sometimes, the most satisfaction can be found in the simplest things.

molten martini's.

honey vodka.

gotta love it :)

Tempt me.

How's the house/room hunting coming along, you ask?

Fine, so you don't want to know, but i want to talk about it. It's been mostly fruitless. I posted a bulletin on friendster to see if i could find any lobang* for cheaper rooms, or better locations. One of the replies was about a hdb room, with 3 guys already in situ.. Hmmmmmmm....

These men tend to travel alot, so that is already a plus in itself but... 3 men? In uniform! And those cute caps! I ran to get myself a cold drink at this point. Gosh. I sat and pondered with my hands gripped on the mug while various futures flashed before my eyes. Wow. I'm wondering if most women think the way i do. It'll be great to have people who keep as bizarre hours as i do, and i know at least one of them is incredibly entertaining but..

I call and tell my best friend about it. I'm promptly told im crazy for even considering. Im told to imagine a bachelor's pad multiplied by 3, the ideas they'll ( they're men, what. Anything in a skirt in the morning, right?**) get, the inconvenience i'll have..

Sigh. Thanks for the offer though. You always did know how to tempt me.

*loophole
** moot point because if they knew what i look like in the morning, there wouldn' be any temptation. Period.

yer slip's showing

Listening to: one thing
finger eleven

Settling on a dim sum place, we settled in to looks from the other diners.

I seldom have cause to dally in Jurong unless its for the science center ( i loved the omni theatre and science centre), and just as the westsiders looked strange to us, so we eastsiders.. you get the idea. Don't want to get picked up for zone prejudice, so i'll move on.

They had quite an interesting aray on that menu, i have to admit. Too bad my scanner isn't working, i still have a bit of menu with me :)) They had amongst other things:

• number 32: fresh crap balls
  
• numer 28: Assorted chicken/fish dumpings ( wrapped in translucent, skin thin coverings. Rather good)
  

my bad

We went for french movies at cineleisure on halloween, and the nice boy behind the counter endured my coughs and smiles.

" Ayah. If you want to laugh, just go ahead." he deadpanned. I reassured him that his makeup was entirely too freaky and told him it looked exactly like a really really bad case of acne. Very scary. He started patting his face, and asked if his makeup had melted on any part.

oops

An ode to fiona.

Came across my sister's post in her blog tonight. They've been many, that she typed just knowing that i wld read it, but this one is the last i'm willing to gloss over. I won't post it here, because i have no desire to look at it anymore. Nor at her mein. I burst into tears at work (no one was around) when i read it, because i didn't do it. I waited to tell her, because i didn't want to have another argument, i didn't want to nit pick. I now know that some things have to be proved, and i wish that i had done it the instant i had saw it.

When was the last time you wrung your hands out of sheer helplessess? Talking about it won't do any good, and you'll never get a chance to make her think, because she doesn't care, and she doesnt want to see. She can type anything on her blog now, because it's lost one reader forever. In fact, her life has lost one reader, pretty permanently. Some people say things out of anger, and some out of loss of control. Others, like me, say things out of self preservation, and in doing so, they mean every single word.

Suffice to say, i've never known anyone so full of malice, nor of spite, nor this vindictive. I've never had anyone offer me to take something from her hands, only to drop it in front of my face when i was about to take it. She wanted to prove me right when i had called her a bitch. I was so numb that night, it was surreal, like a scene out of a bad movie.

Suffice to say, she wouldn't care if she was wrong, nor acknowledge that i had no cause to lie.

Suffice to say, till today her behavious is akin to the girl who used to pull the rug out from under me just because. Some things never change.

Suffice to say, that she won't give a damn if i just walked out of the house.

I'll give her that pleasure she craves so much. Hopefully when i'm no longer in the house, perhaps she'll see that she makes mistakes, just as i do, simply because there'll be no one else to blame. Maybe she'll realise, but then again, i never kid myself.

No more conversations, no more explanations, no more anything, because the end of the road is here, and i'd be a fool to go near you. You win, i'm moving out. And it's because of you. You can thank your lucky stars tonight and have a celebration with the computer, all by yourself. Consider it an christmas present in advance. Im sure it'll bring you a little closer to a religious experience considering your immense gratitude.

Tossing and turning, she couldn't get her thoughts to quieten. Breathing a sigh, picking up the phone which always lay next to her pillow, she restlessly scrolled down the list of numbers and decided on one. Within an hr (she wasn't in the mood to go glam), she was dressed for drinks, and she was happy she didnt have to try to force sleep to come.

She spotted her friend, Cathy, waiting for her when she reached the taxi stand, and arm in arm, they set off. Cat, to introduce her to the new bf, and herself, simply contented to have something in the stead of another sleepless night. It felt good to be out, with the cool night air against her skin. Introductions were made, and she smiled politely, nothing that most of them were almost gone in drink and talk. Cat's new found play mate was handsomely chinese, with that dimple on his left that was always gushed about. She would have been very thoroughly charmed by him, if not for the fact that cat had not 10 minutes ago remarked it was a good thing he was good looking, because that compensated for size.

Swirling her swollen, split, lychee with the little red stirrer in her glass, she settled back into the sofa. She wasn't interested in conversation about someone's exploits at the tracks, nor was she in the mood for politics, office or otherwise. She was just there to spend time, to be occupied, to drink. Holding on to her martini, she started talking to first a female friend of cat's; all yuppie posturing and perfume, then to the boy across her table. Pleading a need of the little girl's room after a while, she excused herself and walked out, intending a few moments of fresh air. Walking to the river view, she leaned on the bannisters, and closed her eyes.

So lost, so restless. Who wasn't? Everyone she knew was looking for a miracle, looking for a way to self actualisation, looking for a way the world dictated as worthwhile to pass life by. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped as someone brushed a warm hand against her wrist. One of dimple boy's friends. She smiled, but wasn't rewarded by one of his own. Instead, he drew her in, slowly, with his intuitive comments, and his frank intelligence. She found herself laughing at his dry humour and he very nicely offered her kleenex to wipe her tears. He asked why her mascara hadn't smudged yet, and she was pleased to see him nod in approval when she said she hadn't used any. They went back in, and he sat next to her this time. She was in a much better mood after this, but all too soon dimple boy had to go. She looked at cat, recognising that she would go with them as well; she wouldn't stay with a group of almost strangers. Dimple boy could send her home, or she could simply cab it.

She was a little sad, realising that he hadn't yet asked her for a way to remain in contact, but she would rather flash granny beige undies than to show what she was thinking. She contained a smug smile when the object of her attention stood up, declaring that he would go as well. As the four of them made for the exit, cat turned and smiled at dimple boy's friend. She watched, perplexed. It was a secret smile, one that she wasn't privy to.

"I stay in the east, i'll send you safely home", he said with little smile and a slight tilt of his head. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a demand, it was stated matter of factly. With a delicious shudder, she realised that here was a man who was used to being in control. As they got ready to drive off, he leaned close. He leaned over the gearbox and murmured that he liked her perfume. He had noticed by the riverside. She took a deep breath and thanked him. Such a simple gesture, so effective for making the proximity of a man's body known. They listened to buddhabar in the car, stopped for mineral water for her and mints for him, and talked about Klimt's women in his paintings. As they made the turning into her estate, she noticed suddenly there was a glimmer on the floor boards, partly occluded by the mats. A glimmer of part of a dangly earring.

She looked at him. He smiled at her, not knowing what was going through her mind. He probably didn't understand why she pretended not to hear when he asked for her number, but he probably didn't know about the sudden tightening of disappointment in her abdomen either.

The earring could have been just a friend's, or it could have been a wife's. It could have been from that morning, or it could have been from a month ago. Either way, she was too tired to play any game, no matter how minor, no matter how imaginary. Thanking him for the ride home, faith closed the car door quietly, and started her walk home.

The whole world knows im the most graceful klutz in the world. I think i've mentioned that an embarrassing incident is way overdue, and i always (almost*) keep my promises.

I've been trying to do something about my maniacal laughter. Similarities to the faultless ass are getting a bit too close to home for comfort, and on fri night as i threw my head back back to laugh at someone else, karma dictated that this time i carelessly throw my head against the handle of a pushcart with all the force i could muster. Helpful hands hurried to comfort my head (Yes. it was painful.. Do i really need more hands pressing and rubbing my now slightly lumpier crown? Thank you, your concern is admirable.) I brushed concern away, feeling foolish at the cause of all this attention, and changed the subject. 3 days later, i ponder over the dull headache that has stayed to keep me company. Yesterday it invited nausea which subsuded after a bit, thank god, but if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know why.

I called k for a spot of sympathy, bemoaning the fact that i didn't want to become more of an imbecile than i already am, and he tactfully reminded me that this kind of trauma to the occiput (back of the head) would keep me bright, but also possibly quite blind. Aww.

Someone else recommended an MRI, which is, in faith speak, simply a scan that shows the density of tissue and miscellaneous matter. In other words, if the pretty colours of my brain seem to be more abundant, it could mean it has swelled, the secondary cause of which is due to unbecoming ladylike behaviour. Free lancing has left me bereft of a nice, private room in the hospital in which to endure tests free, so i will just cross my fingers and hope the headaches go away. If in the meantime i forget excessively, or seem a bit subdued, i apologise.

i write of
love,
dreamed
oft,
scoffed at
by microsoft.

Damn windows xp. I was typing a letter to you when i got the *blue screen of death.



*it pretends to want to return to the original page by asking you to press any key, but it always lies.