Had a dear friend who was involved in an accident today on the ECP.
When all was said and done, no one was injured, and for that i am eternally grateful.. Im pretty phobic about driving, and again i have to nag, telling people to be careful, not to tail gate, yada yada yada. People- the worst part isn't the dying, it's who you leave behind after you do, if you do.
I remember observing a little private scene back in the SICU.. I was looking after a young girl, barely 20. She was the pillion rider, and her other half had come to visit her. Fate being the usual morbid bitch that she is, had let him off with only scrapes and a bandaged arm. The little girl? She had 2 chest tubes, a fractured pelvis, ruptured spleen, one leg was smashed and i really can't remember what happened to her arms. I remember her coming in during my night and being subjected to the various invasive procedures.. I remember cringing- she whimpered as the various needles slid into various bits of her simultaneously. Too weak to move her hands to stop the surgeons, but alert enough for me to hear her whisper the word "stop".
When her boyfriend came to visit her later, i'll never forget the slowing of his steps as he realised the bandaged up little person was his girl. He simple rested his forehead on the glassdoor, hands at his sides while he sobbed.
She didn't make it through the next day if you're interested to know.
It's hard to witness these things. I've always been a little sheepish when i tell people i don't drive, but do they know why? God forbid. If i ever wreck someone, i would never want to feel the anguish of life long guilt.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I am going to..
RANT!!
Sometimes the sheer arrogance of people is eye popping. Vertigo causing. Stroke inducing. Gag reflexing. Awe inspiring even.
This morning i was in the dining room reading the newspaper, and i heard my phone going off in my bedroom upstairs. Being too lazy to run up the stairs like the lazy ass that i am, i let it ring. The second time i heard it, i exhaled deeply and went to check. Might be urgent right? Yeah. 3 missed calls, and all from Mr [H][K][S]. Wonder what's up? This guy has been calling me, and due to various reasons, i've either missed his calls or been unable to receive them because he likes to call me during office hours. Strangely, all the times that i've called back, he's never answered. And he NEVER, EVER picks up his phone at night. He'll ask to use msn, or he'll say that his phone is being charged. I stopped being too friendly because i had my suspicions. But i digress. At this point, im merely curious. Then i get the sms.
"My gf would like it if you could stop calling and sms'ing me. Thank you."
I stare in disbelief. What? Waitamin. Right person? Was this from his "gf" or himself? I stare and stare and stare. UNbelievable. The last few weeks, i've really not been answering his calls. Not because i don't want to, but people do have lives. And i call back only to ask what he wants. But he NEVER answers. Of course after a while i get fed up and get slack about answering and returning his calls.
I get a voice mail. It's the same msg. The Frikkin ARROGANCE!! He has the TEMERITY to msg me this rubbish, then leaves a SECOND msg asking me not to call him like im a desperate school girl?? When i almost NEVER called him of my own accord for a long long time and can scarcely remember the last time i msged him??
OMG- my eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head, and i can feel my entire body going red. I send off msgs asking his gf to check his outgoing calls to me. They're definitely going to exceed my incoming. Check the dates why don't you. You'll find that most of my calls occur after his, on said days. Have something to say? Call me. I've always been an advocate of straight forwardness in some matters. Why, oh why, do some people think they're 100% more desirable than they actually are?
Boy- stick to the nice car . You need it.
Sometimes the sheer arrogance of people is eye popping. Vertigo causing. Stroke inducing. Gag reflexing. Awe inspiring even.
This morning i was in the dining room reading the newspaper, and i heard my phone going off in my bedroom upstairs. Being too lazy to run up the stairs like the lazy ass that i am, i let it ring. The second time i heard it, i exhaled deeply and went to check. Might be urgent right? Yeah. 3 missed calls, and all from Mr [H][K][S]. Wonder what's up? This guy has been calling me, and due to various reasons, i've either missed his calls or been unable to receive them because he likes to call me during office hours. Strangely, all the times that i've called back, he's never answered. And he NEVER, EVER picks up his phone at night. He'll ask to use msn, or he'll say that his phone is being charged. I stopped being too friendly because i had my suspicions. But i digress. At this point, im merely curious. Then i get the sms.
"My gf would like it if you could stop calling and sms'ing me. Thank you."
I stare in disbelief. What? Waitamin. Right person? Was this from his "gf" or himself? I stare and stare and stare. UNbelievable. The last few weeks, i've really not been answering his calls. Not because i don't want to, but people do have lives. And i call back only to ask what he wants. But he NEVER answers. Of course after a while i get fed up and get slack about answering and returning his calls.
I get a voice mail. It's the same msg. The Frikkin ARROGANCE!! He has the TEMERITY to msg me this rubbish, then leaves a SECOND msg asking me not to call him like im a desperate school girl?? When i almost NEVER called him of my own accord for a long long time and can scarcely remember the last time i msged him??
OMG- my eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head, and i can feel my entire body going red. I send off msgs asking his gf to check his outgoing calls to me. They're definitely going to exceed my incoming. Check the dates why don't you. You'll find that most of my calls occur after his, on said days. Have something to say? Call me. I've always been an advocate of straight forwardness in some matters. Why, oh why, do some people think they're 100% more desirable than they actually are?
Boy- stick to the nice car . You need it.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Quiet.
Pensive pensive pensive.
I write from work, looking out of my window at the dirty rooftops of Nus. I remember that it's friday, and if i work late i'll be the only one in office. I hasten to pick up my pace, start shuffling the papers on my desk for the quickest task to finish, but it makes no difference. A min later im still staring out the window. Thunder rumbles and it comforts me. There's only one crack in the dark clouds that frame this little view, and the setting sun comes through. Literal rays of light pass through and and one seems to land straight on my keyboard as i type. I imagine myself bathed in the light while the rest of the office contiunues to be still, shrouded by rainclouds. As i stare and marvel at the illumination of the clouds from within, i start to feel silly because im indulging in pointless writing, but it's been so long, and it feels so right. When have i ever stopped anything because it felt right?
I decide to get some fresh air, and walk up the stairs to the roof top. The door is open, and i step in to the slight drizzle and beautiful wind. It's dark already, and i can see the lights from all around. I light up, take deep breaths, and close my eyes.. The wind gets stronger, and the drizzle slightly heavier, and still i stay. Still i imagine what could be, still tears for what could not, is not, still at arms length they stay.
If my mood had a colour, it'd be deepest purple. A texture? It'd be plush, and you'd sink into it. If i could decide what to with it, i'd wrap you in it; all the while pulling the sides closer so you'll come nearer and it wouldn't look like my doing.. A scent? A light musk that wld fill your senses as the heat from me evaporates it. The taste? Me.
Memories, overlayed with wants, plied with needs and dusted with the future.
I write from work, looking out of my window at the dirty rooftops of Nus. I remember that it's friday, and if i work late i'll be the only one in office. I hasten to pick up my pace, start shuffling the papers on my desk for the quickest task to finish, but it makes no difference. A min later im still staring out the window. Thunder rumbles and it comforts me. There's only one crack in the dark clouds that frame this little view, and the setting sun comes through. Literal rays of light pass through and and one seems to land straight on my keyboard as i type. I imagine myself bathed in the light while the rest of the office contiunues to be still, shrouded by rainclouds. As i stare and marvel at the illumination of the clouds from within, i start to feel silly because im indulging in pointless writing, but it's been so long, and it feels so right. When have i ever stopped anything because it felt right?
I decide to get some fresh air, and walk up the stairs to the roof top. The door is open, and i step in to the slight drizzle and beautiful wind. It's dark already, and i can see the lights from all around. I light up, take deep breaths, and close my eyes.. The wind gets stronger, and the drizzle slightly heavier, and still i stay. Still i imagine what could be, still tears for what could not, is not, still at arms length they stay.
If my mood had a colour, it'd be deepest purple. A texture? It'd be plush, and you'd sink into it. If i could decide what to with it, i'd wrap you in it; all the while pulling the sides closer so you'll come nearer and it wouldn't look like my doing.. A scent? A light musk that wld fill your senses as the heat from me evaporates it. The taste? Me.
Memories, overlayed with wants, plied with needs and dusted with the future.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Scary hair.
So. On sunday i thought i'd make an attempt to look human again, and decided to do something to my hair. I popped in to see Kenny, my nicely tattoed stylist.
Once he had nicely settled me in, all thoughts of a simple snip and run disappeared. He looked down upon me with this frown on his face, then started manhandling my hair, tut tutting all the while.
All resolve and thoughts of budget sailed out the door, as they are prone to do when im seated compromisingly in malls or candy stores. I started to ask him for a trim but then he did his "hmm'ing" thing.... and I gave in! I broke down. I wailed. I told him i was sick of having to rebond my hair, sick of being constrained by the curls that would eventually come, sick sick sick, yada yada yada. With a deft flick of his wrist, he gave me a serious look and said..
"Don wan rebond, then..then perm lah"
I still can't believe i did it. I still do believe that most hairstyling procedures were invented solely for the embarrassment of the customer, and that they are inversely related to the proximity of the door to your seat plus number of people who happen to walk by and gawk. I swear- I had my locks trapped to this thing that looked like a mothership with telephone cords stuck into my head, floating 20 cm above . I cldn't turn my head, let alone move. Not funny. I harrassed the cute ah lian who did the actual curls to make sure i didn't turn out stylo a la auntie. I was fiercesome to kenny when he commented that it was worth a try. No try! It had better work!
When all was said and done and paid for, i hot stepped it to the nearest loo to stare at my perm. My perm! One small step (backwards) for the bank balance, one giant leap forward for tai tai dom!
Like my curls?
Once he had nicely settled me in, all thoughts of a simple snip and run disappeared. He looked down upon me with this frown on his face, then started manhandling my hair, tut tutting all the while.
All resolve and thoughts of budget sailed out the door, as they are prone to do when im seated compromisingly in malls or candy stores. I started to ask him for a trim but then he did his "hmm'ing" thing.... and I gave in! I broke down. I wailed. I told him i was sick of having to rebond my hair, sick of being constrained by the curls that would eventually come, sick sick sick, yada yada yada. With a deft flick of his wrist, he gave me a serious look and said..
"Don wan rebond, then..then perm lah"
I still can't believe i did it. I still do believe that most hairstyling procedures were invented solely for the embarrassment of the customer, and that they are inversely related to the proximity of the door to your seat plus number of people who happen to walk by and gawk. I swear- I had my locks trapped to this thing that looked like a mothership with telephone cords stuck into my head, floating 20 cm above . I cldn't turn my head, let alone move. Not funny. I harrassed the cute ah lian who did the actual curls to make sure i didn't turn out stylo a la auntie. I was fiercesome to kenny when he commented that it was worth a try. No try! It had better work!
When all was said and done and paid for, i hot stepped it to the nearest loo to stare at my perm. My perm! One small step (backwards) for the bank balance, one giant leap forward for tai tai dom!
Like my curls?
From Germany, no less.
Well now. An ultraconservative. Who would have thought?
The chosen name of the new pope — Benedict — draws a connection to Benedict XV, the Italian pontiff from 1914 to 1922 who had the difficult task of providing leadership for Catholic countries on opposite sides of World War I. His declared neutrality, and his repeated protests against weapons like poison gas angered both sides. Benedict was also known for reaching out to Muslims and for efforts to close the nearly 1,000-year estrangement with Christian Orthodox churches
Some hope that this is a sign of things to come, that the policies that will come forth from the vatican might be somewhat more..moderate.
That there is no flexibility on the church’s views on priestly celibacy, contraception and the ban on ordinations for women, i am not surprised. I have learnt to live with catholic tradition as much as anyone can i suppose, but the rest?
In 1986, he denounced rock music as the “vehicle of anti-religion.” In 1988, he dismissed anyone who tried to find “feminist” meanings in the Bible. Last year, he told American bishops that it was allowable to deny Communion to those who support such “manifest grave sin” as abortion and euthanasia.
Pontiff or not, who has the power to deny communion?
There's more. He once called Buddhism a religion for the self-indulgent. In an interview with the French magazine Le Figaro last year, he suggested Turkey’s bid to join the Europe Union conflicted with Europe’s Christian roots — a view that could unsettle Vatican attempts to improve relations with Muslims apparently.
“Turkey has always represented a different continent, in permanent contrast to Europe,” he was quoted as saying.
Mmhmm.
I worry. A day before he was elected pope, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made clear the type of church he wanted: one that rigidly maintained the doctrines he himself had upheld as guardian of church orthodoxy, where there were absolute truths on matters such as abortion, celibacy and homosexuality.
It's all very well to uphold the values one was brought up with, but.. In a changing world, with modern problems, will a mindset such as his be appropriate?
There is only one other thing that keeps me wondering. His holiness celebrated his 78th birthday during the weekend. How long will before we hold another conclave? Why did the Vatican choose someone who only has a few more years at most? Reasons simplistic me will doubtless never guess, but what i would give to be privy.
The chosen name of the new pope — Benedict — draws a connection to Benedict XV, the Italian pontiff from 1914 to 1922 who had the difficult task of providing leadership for Catholic countries on opposite sides of World War I. His declared neutrality, and his repeated protests against weapons like poison gas angered both sides. Benedict was also known for reaching out to Muslims and for efforts to close the nearly 1,000-year estrangement with Christian Orthodox churches
Some hope that this is a sign of things to come, that the policies that will come forth from the vatican might be somewhat more..moderate.
That there is no flexibility on the church’s views on priestly celibacy, contraception and the ban on ordinations for women, i am not surprised. I have learnt to live with catholic tradition as much as anyone can i suppose, but the rest?
In 1986, he denounced rock music as the “vehicle of anti-religion.” In 1988, he dismissed anyone who tried to find “feminist” meanings in the Bible. Last year, he told American bishops that it was allowable to deny Communion to those who support such “manifest grave sin” as abortion and euthanasia.
Pontiff or not, who has the power to deny communion?
There's more. He once called Buddhism a religion for the self-indulgent. In an interview with the French magazine Le Figaro last year, he suggested Turkey’s bid to join the Europe Union conflicted with Europe’s Christian roots — a view that could unsettle Vatican attempts to improve relations with Muslims apparently.
“Turkey has always represented a different continent, in permanent contrast to Europe,” he was quoted as saying.
Mmhmm.
I worry. A day before he was elected pope, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made clear the type of church he wanted: one that rigidly maintained the doctrines he himself had upheld as guardian of church orthodoxy, where there were absolute truths on matters such as abortion, celibacy and homosexuality.
It's all very well to uphold the values one was brought up with, but.. In a changing world, with modern problems, will a mindset such as his be appropriate?
There is only one other thing that keeps me wondering. His holiness celebrated his 78th birthday during the weekend. How long will before we hold another conclave? Why did the Vatican choose someone who only has a few more years at most? Reasons simplistic me will doubtless never guess, but what i would give to be privy.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Out of the blue
Don't you just hate it when you get wierd numbers on your phone?
Have been receiving calls from both a landline and cell ph number. They're always missed calls because the bugger calls in the morning. The mobile is always off when i try to call back, and no one at the landline recognises my name though it's appparently residential. WTF?
Another thing- i've had my number for yonks. Beyond yonks. Right. I've been receiving calls this mth, all asking for "expressions". I'll be damned if people can't tell the difference between a 6 and a 9. They need more than weight loss, lemme tell you. Sigh. Like my phone bills aren't wrecking my life already. The best part is when they ask if im sure that they havn't reached the right number.
This evening i received another call from another unfamiliar number, and i was psyching myself up to sound all fiercesome. I'd give them "expressions". Huh. Instead i was..surprised. The person on the other line had a voice too familiar and in a second, i had remembered. He had kept his promise and called me after 3 years because at that time i wasn't at leisure to rekindle anything. Amazing. And this coming from the pits of unreliability. Hope for mankind yet.
I hate it when something comes along to tipple the scales, and you have to dance around just to keep your balance.
I know i sound pissed, but really.. Im anything but.
Have been receiving calls from both a landline and cell ph number. They're always missed calls because the bugger calls in the morning. The mobile is always off when i try to call back, and no one at the landline recognises my name though it's appparently residential. WTF?
Another thing- i've had my number for yonks. Beyond yonks. Right. I've been receiving calls this mth, all asking for "expressions". I'll be damned if people can't tell the difference between a 6 and a 9. They need more than weight loss, lemme tell you. Sigh. Like my phone bills aren't wrecking my life already. The best part is when they ask if im sure that they havn't reached the right number.
This evening i received another call from another unfamiliar number, and i was psyching myself up to sound all fiercesome. I'd give them "expressions". Huh. Instead i was..surprised. The person on the other line had a voice too familiar and in a second, i had remembered. He had kept his promise and called me after 3 years because at that time i wasn't at leisure to rekindle anything. Amazing. And this coming from the pits of unreliability. Hope for mankind yet.
I hate it when something comes along to tipple the scales, and you have to dance around just to keep your balance.
I know i sound pissed, but really.. Im anything but.
Of wants.
Listening to: Songbird
Oasis
For a man to deny himself
Is but to store the desire
In the recesses of his soul.
That which you spurn today,
will be waiting for you tomorrow
For Your body knows its heritage
finds its way to its needs eventually
and can never be deceived.
Just as it is that the receiver delights
So it is to the giver who finds it within to give even more
For it is both
As it is to me
Giving and receiving of pleasure
both a need and an ecstacy.
Too much time on my hands- Can't you tell?
Oasis
For a man to deny himself
Is but to store the desire
In the recesses of his soul.
That which you spurn today,
will be waiting for you tomorrow
For Your body knows its heritage
finds its way to its needs eventually
and can never be deceived.
Just as it is that the receiver delights
So it is to the giver who finds it within to give even more
For it is both
As it is to me
Giving and receiving of pleasure
both a need and an ecstacy.
Too much time on my hands- Can't you tell?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Bliss. I wish it came in tablet form.
Listening to: Bliss
Tori amos
So the parents have been in japan for 3 days already. And i havn't asked anyone to stay over and take my mind off spending nights alone. Actually im surprised that this time i don't mind turning most of the lights off before i go to bed- heh. Must be because i havn't watched a horror flick in yonks. And also because im tired of being called a wuss.
Was griping that platonic relationships are never really what they seem to be, as evidenced when stay overs occur. So i wonder- is this because guys will be guys, or is there something sinister in my behaviour? It's not like i lounge around in slinky red things or spike drinks and watch sylvia saint on broadband. Sheesh. Nothing catastrophic occured of course, being the good catholic *coughs* girl that i am. Sensible is what i am. Of course.
Why is so hard to find a truly platonic friend? To say in good faith that, yes, he's my friend because he likes me as i am, for the person i am? And NOT because im obviously lacking a schlong?
And yes, guilt always sets in. Even if they hadn't known better, i should have. Right?
I think back over a few times when i had clubbed and indulged in un-faith like behaviour. It might not be a biggie to some, but it was enough to make me feel like it was a moment best stolen and forgotten. It wasn't the drinks. It wasn't that i was in an unknown place where no one knew me. It's not like i havn't been concerned at a girl friend's 'next morning' confessions because i don't believe in one nighters. Heaven knows they wld be surprised if they knew what goes through my mind. Right things at the right time, with the right people. Person, i meant-lol!
What happens if one day the "should know better's" and the "frankly i don't give a shite's" meet?
Then what?
Tori amos
So the parents have been in japan for 3 days already. And i havn't asked anyone to stay over and take my mind off spending nights alone. Actually im surprised that this time i don't mind turning most of the lights off before i go to bed- heh. Must be because i havn't watched a horror flick in yonks. And also because im tired of being called a wuss.
Was griping that platonic relationships are never really what they seem to be, as evidenced when stay overs occur. So i wonder- is this because guys will be guys, or is there something sinister in my behaviour? It's not like i lounge around in slinky red things or spike drinks and watch sylvia saint on broadband. Sheesh. Nothing catastrophic occured of course, being the good catholic *coughs* girl that i am. Sensible is what i am. Of course.
Why is so hard to find a truly platonic friend? To say in good faith that, yes, he's my friend because he likes me as i am, for the person i am? And NOT because im obviously lacking a schlong?
And yes, guilt always sets in. Even if they hadn't known better, i should have. Right?
I think back over a few times when i had clubbed and indulged in un-faith like behaviour. It might not be a biggie to some, but it was enough to make me feel like it was a moment best stolen and forgotten. It wasn't the drinks. It wasn't that i was in an unknown place where no one knew me. It's not like i havn't been concerned at a girl friend's 'next morning' confessions because i don't believe in one nighters. Heaven knows they wld be surprised if they knew what goes through my mind. Right things at the right time, with the right people. Person, i meant-lol!
What happens if one day the "should know better's" and the "frankly i don't give a shite's" meet?
Then what?
It's been ten thousand years since i've last posted.
Listening to: Precious things
Tori amos
No, i don't have a penchant for exaggeration, thought i'd told you that a billion times already.
747 is coming along, inevitably fast. Protocol plans have been brought up to managment for logistic issues as they were needed urgently and Jl wasn't around to settle fast.. On thursday i was flabbergasted to find that a last minute meeting had been scheduled with ly and lh, the techs and scientist. Oh- and my "mentor". She understood my look when she asked 4 mins before i was supposed to go off if i was game for a meeting. She hadn't known about the meeting either.
Why wasn't i informed about the meeting when i was protocol leader (P.L)?
She patted me on my back, said it wasn't that important since it was higher level planning. Oh Goodie. Was i supposed to be relieved?
I slipped into the meeting room later. No one made way for me at the table, so i had to squeeze.
I had a talk with with sher when we were in the car later.. it's only because it's your first protocol she said when i mentioned that i felt redundant. It's not an uncommon thing. A snort and a grunt from me. It's not a personal thing, i know that from what the other girls say. I just..Urgh. It doesn't matter to me that everyone goes throught the same thing, but it kills me because iniatiative is not looked upon kindly here. They want you to be on top of everything, but they don't keep you informed. They stress professionalism, but sometimes i feel that even though they're 20 years older, the maturity of the gross week old sandwich in the fridge is superior.
Grrr. Only 8 more mths to go.
Tori amos
No, i don't have a penchant for exaggeration, thought i'd told you that a billion times already.
747 is coming along, inevitably fast. Protocol plans have been brought up to managment for logistic issues as they were needed urgently and Jl wasn't around to settle fast.. On thursday i was flabbergasted to find that a last minute meeting had been scheduled with ly and lh, the techs and scientist. Oh- and my "mentor". She understood my look when she asked 4 mins before i was supposed to go off if i was game for a meeting. She hadn't known about the meeting either.
Why wasn't i informed about the meeting when i was protocol leader (P.L)?
She patted me on my back, said it wasn't that important since it was higher level planning. Oh Goodie. Was i supposed to be relieved?
I slipped into the meeting room later. No one made way for me at the table, so i had to squeeze.
I had a talk with with sher when we were in the car later.. it's only because it's your first protocol she said when i mentioned that i felt redundant. It's not an uncommon thing. A snort and a grunt from me. It's not a personal thing, i know that from what the other girls say. I just..Urgh. It doesn't matter to me that everyone goes throught the same thing, but it kills me because iniatiative is not looked upon kindly here. They want you to be on top of everything, but they don't keep you informed. They stress professionalism, but sometimes i feel that even though they're 20 years older, the maturity of the gross week old sandwich in the fridge is superior.
Grrr. Only 8 more mths to go.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
This little piggie..
Amazing. So now in addition to juggling my present protocol, and trying to finish the last one, i found the newest one on my desk. See? Even not checking mail to avoid getting news to spoil your day doesn't work. Some nice soul (and she is a real sweetie) had printed it out for me. So now i have..3 protocols to play with? When i was busy freaking out about it my colleague came to me and told me to take it as a good diet plan. Sigh. When i get stressed i get really nauseous and lose my lunch. Or bile.
Was on course during the week, and had no time to go out, eat, or let alone blog. Pah!!!!! When i came home on friday, was so tired i had no mood to go partying anymore. I just..slept. And slept i did. 16 hours! *yeah* I did wake in the mdidle feeling refreshed, but i forced myself to sleep because i was greedy and now im just zonked. And i still feel like sleeping. What a pig i am. How proud i am :)
So now i've cancelled my saturday night plans, the pizza is on its way and im planning to mooch around the house with a movie. It feels good. It feels like im relaxing, and it feels like a lazy weekend. Ahhhhhhh.... :)))
Was on course during the week, and had no time to go out, eat, or let alone blog. Pah!!!!! When i came home on friday, was so tired i had no mood to go partying anymore. I just..slept. And slept i did. 16 hours! *yeah* I did wake in the mdidle feeling refreshed, but i forced myself to sleep because i was greedy and now im just zonked. And i still feel like sleeping. What a pig i am. How proud i am :)
So now i've cancelled my saturday night plans, the pizza is on its way and im planning to mooch around the house with a movie. It feels good. It feels like im relaxing, and it feels like a lazy weekend. Ahhhhhhh.... :)))
Third time's the charm. Was it Terri's?
When is the time to be moral?
Once in 2001. Once in 2003. One final time in 2005.
I read with no small discomfort that the circus (on her part) was finally over. I wonder how the health care professionals in that nursing home reacted to the news that she was to be starved. Did they just mouth words of disbelief and continue with their duties? Did any of them refuse to have any part in it? Was it hell for them to comtinue their duties while they carried out Mr Michael Schiavo's wishes to have his wife starved to death? I hope it was. He who faxed a statement to news organizations Monday in which he said he had difficulty accepting a court ruling allowing him to have his wife's feeding tube removed.
I've taken care of individuals who've been rendered "vegetative" by different means. There is such a thing as a will to live, and it is very apparent in some cases. I've seen a pastor who had had a stroke and survived 15 years. He had unseeing eyes, wasn't able to respond by blinks or any means which would let us know he was mentally "alert". Extentions of him were a feeding tube in which a formula was sloshed in 6 times a day. Tubes to take away waste from his systems. Tubes to make sure he wasn't dehydrated. I had spoken to his wife who was by his side one afternoon, telling her i admired her strength in coping. She spent all her afternoons with him, reading from the bible and massaging the oils which he has so liked into his skin. She smiled, and said sweetly- that she didn't have a choice.
Taken aback, i murmured that she must be very tired, and went back to my patient. A strange thing happened then. My colleague asked me if the wife had been washing his face, and i responded with a startled no. Bending close to him, i noticed his cheeks were wet. He was crying.
Thinking back on this, im sure i'm not the only one who'll be able to tell you such stories. There are many more, stories of people holding on for one last family member, stories of people surviving when they shouldn't and those who should have.
Who's to say that someone has *left* us even though she's physically here? Who's to say whats wrong or right? I can only say that if anyone is to err, it should be on the side of life.
If you HAVE decided what you want and you're absolutely positive that you will never change your mind, there is such a thing as an AMD or advanced medical directive.
An Advance Medical Directive (AMD) is a legal document that you sign in advance to inform the doctor treating you (in the event you become terminally ill ) that you do not want any extraordinary life-sustaining treatment to be used to prolong your life. I havn't though, and am not sure if i ever will. How do you know what you want right now won't be the opposite when you're clinging on to the last shreds of life?
Not something i want to screw around with.
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