Lucid, lucid-er, lucid-est

Listening to: At last
Cyndie Lauper

Pronunciation: 'lü-s&d
Etymology: Latin lucidus, from lucEre
1 a : suffused with light : LUMINOUS b : TRANSLUCENT
2 : having full use of one's faculties : SANE
3 : clear to the understanding : INTELLIGIBLE

Lucid dreaming. A handle that i use sometimes. A metaphor that i wish i cld always use no matter what.

Of late, things have been getting muddier and muddier.. I didn't stir up the debri in the pond, i wish i knew what did so i cld have stopped it. Can i say that i wish too that all friendship is the very essence of lucidity? Pureness- sometimes prized, sometimes compromised to make gems stronger. I don't mind both, but it breaks my heart to steel myself to turn away from people that i love. And they'll never know it, because i would never let myself show that it would affect me, if i didn't think it did them.

~4 am~
Isn't the dark of the night
meant to be still
Is it just me
that it never will?
A phenomenal change
but not that much
just enough
to stay my heart

Thats enough of that, have a friend over since my parents are away. Again. Must go distract him from cable. Small pleasures are all that are left to me :)))))

Catch-me-fuck-me.

Listening to: Somebody told me
The killers

The game du jour. How cld i not have indulged? Taking this game literally wld make it easier. You see it everywhere. People trying their best not to get caught for making mistakes, authorities trying their best to pin the massive blame on something else, someone else.. Your friends trying to screw you out of what is impt to you.. How soon before i get pulled in?


People react to fear, not love- they don’t teach that in Sunday School, but it’s true. — Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519), Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, scientist

Look ma- no work clothes!

Listening to: Since you've been gone
Kelly clarkson

Ahhhhhhhhh..... Hear that? Thats the sound of a happy customer. 10 hours of sleep, no waking up inbetween, and...*gasp*.. I'm not at work!

Last night i went for dinner with my family. Nothing fancy, just dinner at one of those halal family restaurants. My dad had just bought himself another cam, and he was oh so joyous when i agreed to embarrass myself by taking pics of him and my mom in the restaurant. Yeah. I felt ten again. People were looking, and as usual it put him in the zone. *shrugs* My sister joined us later. I can't remember the last time i did this..The time with family i mean. It felt really good, and once again i'm aware of how i neglect them.. I was happy, actually told them about work voluntarily.. My mom again asking if the docters in the unit are married. Gah. My sis asks me to stay away from boys from acs and ri for a change. The last one from browns put me in a funk remember? I can't help it- the lure of a man who thinks with both his heads is irresistable to me. My dad asks about the irish physician with bushy head warmer brows that so, so, distract me everytime he talks.. I realised then that i love to make my parents laugh, and that they look surprised that i was so open to them. Mom and dad, im not really your little girl anymore, but don't look so perplexed when i choose to be.

After that at my place, me and fiona watched resident evil. My god- mila is fascinatingly beautiful; What wld it be like to have beautiful eyes, flecks of gold in green irises that seem to illuminate pending on your mood? Geez. Enough already-lol! Again can't remember when i had time to chill with a movie. I miss.. lying on someones lap, watching, while my hair gets stroked.. Eventually falling asleep, and being woken up with a kiss and an offer to be carried up to my bed.

I don't know what it is, but suddenly there seems to be no end to my friends trying to set me up. At first i found it amusing, but now.. Don't they get it? Im NOT interested in setting myself up for more of that shite. I think that i have enough to learn as it is. Until someone picks me up, slaps me hard and tell me EXACTLY what he wants, im not listening. I swear- men are worse than women, and they complain that we are irksome? Example- The other day i went out with. It was cold, he put his arm around my shoulders. OK. fine. Left it there for a polite few mins, then pretended i was distracted. Next- playing with the hair. WTF? I must be giving out the wrong signals.That feels good tho, so i let it continue for a bit. Last straw. He tries to hold the hand. It lasts 3 seconds before i point out how beautiful the stars are by pointing with that hand. Whats confusing? Um... He donesn't call me after that night. Was he just trying to get laid? Was he turned off that i wasn't interested? What? Oh god.. Im so afraid of giving the wrong signals, of reading them wrongly as well..I'd rather leave it all in HIS good hands. There is no one else i'd rather let shield me at this time. Reliability is a trait that i crave more than good food at this time.

Another thing that makes me wonder. The count makes it..oh.. a few now at work that have said i'm 'innocent'. I quote the last one. " Oh faith, you're so innocent! You're just like a little girl! ." Wha..? My closer friends have told me that as well. Why? What do they see, that i don't? I can sleaze with the best of them, so.. isn't innocence an oxymoron at this point? I just hope they're not trying to tell me im a bimb' politely. *coughs*

Listening to: Somebody,
Bonnie Mckee

My mood these days? I feel like one of my bipolar patients. Sometimes i wish i wasn't gifted with the gamut of emotions that humans have. Sometimes i wish that we cld live life the way huxley wrote about in his 'brave new world'. Soma, the drug that dulled the senses of the people in his fantasy, made them feel like they were drunk, but without the spasm inducing, breathless causing nausea that alcohol causes. I cld do with a fix myself.

Wasn't it just a short while ago that i told myself i'd embrace emotions because that was the only way to live? I remember why i made the original decision. Sometimes i think...i feel much too intensely. Waves of tangibility. Mini tsunamis of that first wave kind. I soak up the mood my environment like a bloody giant live loofah. Sensitivity. Almost i wish it was the other kind that makes you petty, and not this. I want to watch a love story with cringing. I want to walk down a street of beggers without leaving poorer than them. I want half a heart, and i don't care what you do with the other.

Only our spirits can understand beauty, or live and grow with it. It puzzles our minds; we are unable to describe it in words; it is a sensation that our eyes cannot see, derived from both the one who observes and the one who is looked upon. Why are we blessed with the knowledge of this, only to have it hidden from us once we catch a glimpse?

38% bitch?

Im disappointed. Talk to me again when im pissed. Damn. Does that mean i shld carry on with my childhood ambition of being a nun?

I AM 38% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

Curious- It says asshole/bitch. Does that mean that asshole is an equivalent for bitch in man talk? I mean...i call my guy friends bitches. Dang- faith isnt politically corect? Muharhahahahahha!!!

One more thing.

Forgot to add that being busy at work takes my mind of being so horny. Which is a good thing if you're single.. Wahey! It used to be that i had to..well.. thats enough on the subject for now.

Tis time!

Have decided to make this anonymous again. Do i really want people to know what i write? The only thing it served was to hinder the thoughts which usually flow, and i've decided that like therapy, the only acceptable thing is to talk about what i want. Me, myself and i tis time.

Work has been crazy, and i hate to say this, but i think im becoming a workaholic.I start bright and early, as early as 7, only to reach home after midnight. I dream about my subjects, not because they have fantastic chests, but because i want desperately for everything to be perfect. Desperately.

Its a drug for me also because being immersed in work keeps you from being restless, allows you to fall into bed tired for once. The only bad thing is that i need more ciggie breaks, and i dont care who knows it. Today two things from the still quiet voice.. One- quit. Just a simple word, but i knew he meant my smoking. Quit that and your health will fall into place. Two- Get back to church. Your life will fall into place. I've always known my name was a trial to me, a test that wld make or break me. And how true that is coming to be..

Im tired of all the assorted emotions life makes you jump rope for. True, certain things are worth it, but until i find something that is.. until it comes up and bites me in my face, i wont stop for it. Will i lose opportunities? I might, but its better than looking for it in all the wrong places.

Im so thankful for my colleagues.. The other day rach brewed chrysanthemum and ginseng for me. How sweet is that??? Thankful for the note that reminded me to smile, thankful for the laughter that we have when im stressed and i start talking rubbish, thankful for the chocolate that appears on my table from no where.. Thankful for the offers of help, and pats on the back.

Im thankful for k, thankful his daughter made it thru so nicely. What a beaut she is..

Thankful for the love that friendship brings to me whether during good or bad times.

Pillow journaling

Life is an enchantress
She seduces me with her beauty,
I know her wiles
And i flee her enchantments,
But love is a natural weakness
A drug which dulls my senses,
A mist which clouds everything
till i heed my cries of desires
And reason only hears an echoing of itself.

Tons of work, zero mood.

I should not say this but..

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LONDON (AFP) - A high IQ is a hindrance for women wanting to get married while it is an asset for men, according to a study by four British universities published in The Sunday Times newspaper.

The study found the likelihood of marriage increased by 35 percent for boys for each 16-point increase in IQ.
But for girls, there is a 40-percent drop for each 16-point rise, according to the survey by the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow.
The study is based on the IQs of 900 men and women between their 10th and 40th birthdays.
"Women in their late 30s who have gone for careers after the first flush of university and who are among the brightest of their generation are finding that men are just not interesting enough," said psychologist and professor at Nottingham University Paul Brown in The Sunday Times.

Claire Rayner, writer and broadcaster, said in the article that intelligent men often prefered a less brainy partner.
"A chap with a high IQ is going to get a demanding job that is going to take up a lot of his energy and time. In many ways he wants a woman who is an old-fashioned wife and looks after the home, a copy of his mum in a way."
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WTF??

So you're telling me i have two choices?
1) Pretend im a bimbo/housewife for the rest of my miserable, brain numbing, life to some dickwad who thinks that anna nicole smith is an enlightening conversationist.
2) wait a min... suddenly i think i've narrowed it down to one choice.

Well...unless..he's a jock who has endless stamina and is the world's greatest genius at being task focused....
Then again, in all entirety i'm probably delusional.

Darn. For a min, it explained confirmed certain suspicions about certain women. Muharhahahha!

Life in reel.

Sometimes when im in the middle of something, i feel like i'm in a movie. That instant when you're interrupted by a little something somethin' that you can't put your finger on.. You get this sense, this little voice ( just one thank you very much) inside that tells you that from this moment on, life is never going to be the same again.

I've had this feeling a few times before .. In kindergarten, when i was bawling by the door while my teacher emotionally blackmailed me.. In primary school after i got my PSLE results.. Various instances after i got sick of people, attitutues. This time is slightly different, a feeling that everything is going to be all right, and that i've got what it takes to weather life. Strangely nothing traumatic has happened, just a sense of enhanced well being, that 2005 will bring me to new awareness of myself. I understand that life is a life long discovery, but it never seemed this exciting to me before, and i truly understand when women tell me that hitting their 30's was the best thing that happened to them. You feel more confident of what you are, more sure of what you have to do, and what not to bother about.

The only thing i regret..is that to come to this level i had to leave a very large part of me behind. Being nice comes now with wariness, and being guarded seems to be a natural way of life. The human brain is a majestic thing, pushing the boundries seems like it was only ever the way to go, and remoulding your personality a snap. Selfishness is understandable now, when previously vows to never become a nasty adult was an unspoken motto. How do i mean when i say selfishness? In order to protect yourself, you harden to every one else.

My question- is does everyone have to go through this? And if it is unavoidable.. What has to be done?