Listening to: Karma Police
radiohead
I've never had a month with more highs and lows than this february.
Ecstacy and contentment, not always mutually exclusive. Goosebumps ( black knights=instant pant cream). Anticipation, and enthusiasm, all conspired to make me more foolishly open to everything than i have ever been. Granted, my routines of late have been less than healthy, but i was enjoying being free, relishing how i felt, which was- alive, and terribly happy and loved.
Feeling intensely alive demands you feel every single, fuckin little thing.
How could you do it? You asked me to trust you, and i did, i did, but you became a beast in that moment.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
listening to: at last
cyndi lauper
How many perfect days are allowed to go by consecutively? I'm stretching them out with absolute pleasure, savouring every minute, luxuriating in their unpredictability.
On a perfect day, you wake with a slow smile on your face, and with a certainty of being able to weather anything, and everything. Not everything might go absolutely right,but you're still good, because you know everything has its moment, and it is now.
On a perfect day, i ditch my usual drill, and contemplate instead on the opposite; what i can do for you
On a perfect day, i am filled with the realisation that i am suddenly, inexplicably different. What a difference one person can make :)
And the difference is you, lord.
cyndi lauper
How many perfect days are allowed to go by consecutively? I'm stretching them out with absolute pleasure, savouring every minute, luxuriating in their unpredictability.
On a perfect day, you wake with a slow smile on your face, and with a certainty of being able to weather anything, and everything. Not everything might go absolutely right,but you're still good, because you know everything has its moment, and it is now.
On a perfect day, i ditch my usual drill, and contemplate instead on the opposite; what i can do for you
On a perfect day, i am filled with the realisation that i am suddenly, inexplicably different. What a difference one person can make :)
And the difference is you, lord.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I seem to be doing tons of sobbing lately.
I've run out of tissues, and have added a new kind of pride to my already extensive list. The kind that makes you pretend like a boulder just got into your eye when someone looks at you incredulously and asks," Shite girl, are you crying again?" and then rolls their eyes.
First was when the alien died in CJ7, and the second when i watched Le Scaphandre et le papillon (the diving bell and the butterfly).
Let's concentrate on the second, the true story of Mr Jean-Dominique Bauby, editor of Elle, in paris. He suffered a massive haemorrahage, leaving him with a body felled by total paralysis except for eyes able to blink. (Later they sewed up one eye due to a malfunctioning of his tear ducts.) The remarkable bit is that he was totally, and horribly alert. This is termed all too aptly: Locked-in-Syndrome.
So this chappie starts dictating; tediously blinking through the entire alphabet to construct words, sentences, chapters, and finally a bestseller. He lays bare his horror, humour, emotions and regrets alternatingly living and not living life to the full.
Perhaps the scenes are more raw for me because i've had patients who've had a total stroke out before and who were unable to move and speak. They might not have had full mental capacity, but to be constrained to a life on a bed and to the terrible monotony of..just lying is hell on earth even to consider. You can never again taste the pleasure of food or indulge a craving, someone wierd cleans you everyday and you have no choice if you don't feel clean enough. No one can scratch that infernal itch for you, or change the channel of a static tv that droans endlessly. Worse i feel, is the silence and supernatural length of the night when so many of them lie awake because of the hours spent sleeping during the day.
During the night, no one else is around. Fear sets in- So many things can happen. Choking on your own saliva, a pain that gets worse and worse and you can neither shift, nor call out; these could be surpassed by your own demons made incarnate, or nightmares that you can never verbalise or be comforted from.
For a while Jean-do appeared to be recovering well, regaining use of his neck muscles and managing to grunt songs, but only days after the publishing of his book, he passed.
The direction of the film, cast and landscapes of france make it impossible for me not to fall in love with the bitter story.
The gleamings of what i have been reminded of from this should be obvious, but oh, how foolish i feel fretting about the small things and people in my life. And how dead to life i have been.. If i have to go through the same thing as jean-do did, i'd be horrified more by what a waste of oxygen and carbon i was. If it happened to you today, what would you regret?
I've run out of tissues, and have added a new kind of pride to my already extensive list. The kind that makes you pretend like a boulder just got into your eye when someone looks at you incredulously and asks," Shite girl, are you crying again?" and then rolls their eyes.
First was when the alien died in CJ7, and the second when i watched Le Scaphandre et le papillon (the diving bell and the butterfly).
Let's concentrate on the second, the true story of Mr Jean-Dominique Bauby, editor of Elle, in paris. He suffered a massive haemorrahage, leaving him with a body felled by total paralysis except for eyes able to blink. (Later they sewed up one eye due to a malfunctioning of his tear ducts.) The remarkable bit is that he was totally, and horribly alert. This is termed all too aptly: Locked-in-Syndrome.
So this chappie starts dictating; tediously blinking through the entire alphabet to construct words, sentences, chapters, and finally a bestseller. He lays bare his horror, humour, emotions and regrets alternatingly living and not living life to the full.
Perhaps the scenes are more raw for me because i've had patients who've had a total stroke out before and who were unable to move and speak. They might not have had full mental capacity, but to be constrained to a life on a bed and to the terrible monotony of..just lying is hell on earth even to consider. You can never again taste the pleasure of food or indulge a craving, someone wierd cleans you everyday and you have no choice if you don't feel clean enough. No one can scratch that infernal itch for you, or change the channel of a static tv that droans endlessly. Worse i feel, is the silence and supernatural length of the night when so many of them lie awake because of the hours spent sleeping during the day.
During the night, no one else is around. Fear sets in- So many things can happen. Choking on your own saliva, a pain that gets worse and worse and you can neither shift, nor call out; these could be surpassed by your own demons made incarnate, or nightmares that you can never verbalise or be comforted from.
For a while Jean-do appeared to be recovering well, regaining use of his neck muscles and managing to grunt songs, but only days after the publishing of his book, he passed.
The direction of the film, cast and landscapes of france make it impossible for me not to fall in love with the bitter story.
The gleamings of what i have been reminded of from this should be obvious, but oh, how foolish i feel fretting about the small things and people in my life. And how dead to life i have been.. If i have to go through the same thing as jean-do did, i'd be horrified more by what a waste of oxygen and carbon i was. If it happened to you today, what would you regret?
Monday, February 11, 2008
Listening to: Shy
Sonara antartica
Random thoughts. People can be surprisingly beautiful.
The security guard who takes solace in the lateness of the hour- playing a chopin. He stops when he sees us, but he doesn't know we marvel.
The sleazy scholar with his hard earned, oft flashed material comforts. Brash and coarse at first he seemed to me, but he takes time out to cook his soup for his sick mother, and his attentiveness is.. *laughs* surprising.
The unexpected card from a friend. Sniff.
The look in my mom's eyes when i told her i wasn't coming back for dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am so pooped. Today is just goanna be errands, and movie with bets. *yawns* No longer thinking about ze supposed lup of mine life, think i've gotten to know him a little too well. I thought i knew the difference between infatuation and lurvve. Apparently it takes time to tell :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sonara antartica
Random thoughts. People can be surprisingly beautiful.
The security guard who takes solace in the lateness of the hour- playing a chopin. He stops when he sees us, but he doesn't know we marvel.
The sleazy scholar with his hard earned, oft flashed material comforts. Brash and coarse at first he seemed to me, but he takes time out to cook his soup for his sick mother, and his attentiveness is.. *laughs* surprising.
The unexpected card from a friend. Sniff.
The look in my mom's eyes when i told her i wasn't coming back for dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am so pooped. Today is just goanna be errands, and movie with bets. *yawns* No longer thinking about ze supposed lup of mine life, think i've gotten to know him a little too well. I thought i knew the difference between infatuation and lurvve. Apparently it takes time to tell :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Listening to: Anybody's fool
Dylan
Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?
When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.
Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.
"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.
And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.
What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?
On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!
Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..
Dylan
Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?
When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.
Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.
"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.
And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.
What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?
On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!
Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..
Monday, February 04, 2008
Listening to: Toothpaste Kisses
The Maccabees
Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.
Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.
Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?
I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.
Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :
Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth
Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..
Chopsticks to it!
Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D
The Maccabees
Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.
Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.
Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?
I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.
Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :
Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth
Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..
Chopsticks to it!
Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D
Grinnin' like a loon with the latest Hogan, courtesy of the Bro.
Rare glimspses,my specialty *grins*
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Listening to: Twisted Transistor
Korn
I am an irritable, passive aggressive, junk eating, eye rolling, ugly little thing.
God forbid, but i'm even rascist today.
My blog alignment seems to be whack today even though i havn't touched it for a bit and it was fine when i last peeked in.
I'm turned off. Majorly. I was asked to bandaid a finger. Because of a paper cut. If he was being manja i could have handled it, but it had nothing to do with it. And he isn't a subject. And it isn't cute. God i need an evoluted caveman!
Mainly because faggots sometimes are just, and exactly that. Faggots.
Because sometimes people expect others to conveniently lead when they can't, and do take the lead, when they can't!
Becauase i'm such a dipshit i can't say no.
Because my comfort drink isn't working.
Because i'm tired and sore,
And because i hate sleeping alone.
Maybe what they whisper about a woman who is in a bad mood speaks truth somedays.
Garh.
Korn
I am an irritable, passive aggressive, junk eating, eye rolling, ugly little thing.
God forbid, but i'm even rascist today.
My blog alignment seems to be whack today even though i havn't touched it for a bit and it was fine when i last peeked in.
I'm turned off. Majorly. I was asked to bandaid a finger. Because of a paper cut. If he was being manja i could have handled it, but it had nothing to do with it. And he isn't a subject. And it isn't cute. God i need an evoluted caveman!
Mainly because faggots sometimes are just, and exactly that. Faggots.
Because sometimes people expect others to conveniently lead when they can't, and do take the lead, when they can't!
Becauase i'm such a dipshit i can't say no.
Because my comfort drink isn't working.
Because i'm tired and sore,
And because i hate sleeping alone.
Maybe what they whisper about a woman who is in a bad mood speaks truth somedays.
Garh.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Listening to: Humming
Portishead
Did anyone else have to stifle shudders when reading about the possibility, no scrap that, the introduction of a new life form?
The plan is to slip the synthetic chromosome inside the microscopic skin of one of the Mycoplasma bacterium, replacing its natural genome with the machine-made one and sparking the creature into a life form that can reproduce itself.
It already has a unofficial name. Synthia. A bit of an effort for me not to associate this with hollywood (I am legend, anyone?) but with a name as sexy as Synthia, it's not easy!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22827585/
Piccies!
Colonies of the transformed Mycoplasma mycoides bacterium showing up as bright blue. Image Credit: J. Craig Venter Institute
Here are some facts that might help the news hit a lil closer to home
Portishead
Did anyone else have to stifle shudders when reading about the possibility, no scrap that, the introduction of a new life form?
The plan is to slip the synthetic chromosome inside the microscopic skin of one of the Mycoplasma bacterium, replacing its natural genome with the machine-made one and sparking the creature into a life form that can reproduce itself.
It already has a unofficial name. Synthia. A bit of an effort for me not to associate this with hollywood (I am legend, anyone?) but with a name as sexy as Synthia, it's not easy!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22827585/
Piccies!
Colonies of the transformed Mycoplasma mycoides bacterium showing up as bright blue. Image Credit: J. Craig Venter Institute
Here are some facts that might help the news hit a lil closer to home
- Simply put, synthia is a synthetic DNA carrying all the instructions that a simple cell needs to live and reproduce.
- The building blocks of DNA--adenine (A), guanine (G), cytosine (C) and thiamine (T) are not easy chemicals to artificially synthesize into chromosomes. As the strands of DNA get longer they get increasingly brittle, making them more difficult to work with. Previously, the largest synthesized DNA contained only 32,000 base pair genomes. This one has 582,970 base pair genome, a clinical milestone in itself.
- The synthetic M. genitalium has a molecular weight of 360,110kilodaltons (kDa). Printed in 10 point font, the letters of the M.genitalium JCVI-1.0 genome span 147 pages. Mycoplasma genitalium is a bacterium that can infect the human genital tract.
- Mycoplasma genitalium was originally isolated in 1980 from urethral specimens of two male patients with non-gonococcal urethritis
- The researchers said they used first E. coli bacteria and then yeast cells to copy pieces of DNA and assemble them into an artificial chromosome.
I find it both alarming and amusing that we are starting off the glorious road to new life basing the template of life from a bacteria native to an area that a sun never shines on and an STD. This bodes oodles of fun im sure.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Listening to: Absolution
Gary Numan.
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Chinese Proverb
I've also heard it said that when you're stranded on the seas and islands, sea water brings you closer to death with each sip, drains you, parches your lips even as you let all the waters of the world seep through your hands, or leave you crusted hard with salt cyrstals.
I believe both to be true. I can't help it (",
Gary Numan.
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Chinese Proverb
I've also heard it said that when you're stranded on the seas and islands, sea water brings you closer to death with each sip, drains you, parches your lips even as you let all the waters of the world seep through your hands, or leave you crusted hard with salt cyrstals.
I believe both to be true. I can't help it (",
Friday, January 25, 2008
Listening to: Drifting
Sarah Mclachlan
Sappiness ahead- you were warned!
So.. My first real meet up with the most recent ex.
We've been talking since nov, not always lighthearted since things moved so fast that i felt there wasn't really closure, which im a stickler for. Details, details..
Days pass into weeks, and weeks into months as time is wont to do. It feels like nov was in a separate lifetime and you know what? It is.
So happy for him.. Things were not ideal during the last days, and i was in misery not knowing if quitting was the right thing to do. Such a burden, to leave behind something so precious, to make a decision which very well could affect especially a woman for the rest of her life.
Its amazing how both our prayers got answered ( Be careful what you ask for now...). How so many things fell into place that could not have been chance, and how we, too human to make the right decision, had the best ones made for us.
Perhaps this is going to sound incestous but.. When i look at him now i can see and feel only a brother, a gentle heart made for friendship. I asked for a girl for him who would not mind our still close friendship, and amazingly, i got that too! How many girls would hate another girl nearby ( and a cute one too ;pp), would be the first one to say hello.. To this i can only be amazed and say that god is exceedingly good. Saw her pic, and i give my blessing, lol.
Closure i wanted, demanded, and it is better than i thought it would be.
Now he tells me that he wants me to not be alone, but it is easier than he thinks for me to watch while he makes his plans for life. For one i have only joy that he has managed to find what so many have not. And secondly.. Perhaps i'm just not capable of loving anyone in the truest sense of the word? Because if i did, surely i'd have done so by now?
To be able to adore the one i'm with, to submit (willingly) with heart and soul and know i would go through anything with him, for him. To undoubtedly know that he is the love of my life. If i only have one life, i'll be damned if i never learn the meaning of these.
Sarah Mclachlan
Sappiness ahead- you were warned!
So.. My first real meet up with the most recent ex.
We've been talking since nov, not always lighthearted since things moved so fast that i felt there wasn't really closure, which im a stickler for. Details, details..
Days pass into weeks, and weeks into months as time is wont to do. It feels like nov was in a separate lifetime and you know what? It is.
So happy for him.. Things were not ideal during the last days, and i was in misery not knowing if quitting was the right thing to do. Such a burden, to leave behind something so precious, to make a decision which very well could affect especially a woman for the rest of her life.
Its amazing how both our prayers got answered ( Be careful what you ask for now...). How so many things fell into place that could not have been chance, and how we, too human to make the right decision, had the best ones made for us.
Perhaps this is going to sound incestous but.. When i look at him now i can see and feel only a brother, a gentle heart made for friendship. I asked for a girl for him who would not mind our still close friendship, and amazingly, i got that too! How many girls would hate another girl nearby ( and a cute one too ;pp), would be the first one to say hello.. To this i can only be amazed and say that god is exceedingly good. Saw her pic, and i give my blessing, lol.
Closure i wanted, demanded, and it is better than i thought it would be.
Now he tells me that he wants me to not be alone, but it is easier than he thinks for me to watch while he makes his plans for life. For one i have only joy that he has managed to find what so many have not. And secondly.. Perhaps i'm just not capable of loving anyone in the truest sense of the word? Because if i did, surely i'd have done so by now?
To be able to adore the one i'm with, to submit (willingly) with heart and soul and know i would go through anything with him, for him. To undoubtedly know that he is the love of my life. If i only have one life, i'll be damned if i never learn the meaning of these.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Listening to: The Gift
Sai No Haha O.S.T
(wierd title, delicate pretty songs ;p)
Just received news that someone in my life might be going to Dubai for a couple of years or more.
There is nothing more bittersweet then someone who almost means the world to you slowly but surely moving furthur and furthur away. Yeah, it's surely thrown a funk to my mood and concentration this morning, and soon it'll be time for a last supper and the ritual of upgrading my addresses.
There are some whom you love to have around. Then there are those whom you love no matter if they are around or not, if they've been good or bad, those who are always worth it no matter what.
Thank you for hanging around so long ;p Be safe, be loved, and most of all, think on me and know you have someone who's always on your side.
Sai No Haha O.S.T
(wierd title, delicate pretty songs ;p)
Just received news that someone in my life might be going to Dubai for a couple of years or more.
There is nothing more bittersweet then someone who almost means the world to you slowly but surely moving furthur and furthur away. Yeah, it's surely thrown a funk to my mood and concentration this morning, and soon it'll be time for a last supper and the ritual of upgrading my addresses.
There are some whom you love to have around. Then there are those whom you love no matter if they are around or not, if they've been good or bad, those who are always worth it no matter what.
Thank you for hanging around so long ;p Be safe, be loved, and most of all, think on me and know you have someone who's always on your side.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Listening to: Devils and Gods
Tori Amos
Me loves being surrounded by sweaty men and shiny toned women.
If only because it makes me less likely to slack on the treadmill because then who'd look like the 'tard then? Even if they are the ones with the vpl (or vbl).
I've put on so much damn weight that i can feel my ass shaking when i run (stumble) for all of those seconds, and though i can't quite balance a coffee cup on it a la j.lo yet, it really does feel too good to move regularly like this again! Squeal, cheerleader kick, swirl! Not so much of a resolution as a real need to get back into shape before i hit any more 0's in my birthday.
Course it helps confirm that i'm alive, sometimes i feel so deadened to anything that i wonder. Hmm. Diagnosis- general keratonisation of the self. Cause? Datingitis.
I know, i know, i've been out of play for so long, what with being in game for so long that i've forgotten the basics and relied on the other team lobbing easy shots. Now that i actually have to do the try outs again i find myself cringing with the possible outcomes. What happens if the next person is a sloppy kisser? What happens if he doesnt like my ass? I don't think i have the patience, tenacity nor courage to deal with all this again.
It's certainly nothing like bicycle riding. I have nothing in my arsenal that even resembles date behaviour.
The thought of getting to know someone all over again, having to play nice, get used to the bugger AND another ego, is frankly, beyond me right now. . I'd rather stay at home and play scrabble. Or go out and stay secure in friend zone, bitch and not have to feel apologetic if i happen to snort fizzy drinks out of my nose if i laugh too hard. Not that it has happened, of course. I have more fun listening to my friends exclamations during the waxing sessions then i do trying to make conversations with some guy.
Besides, the last guy who impressed me with his manners was when i was busy being a fag hag. Lovely men, lovely manners, all shrieking no in unison when i asked them to just treat me as one of the guys. My bad. Stupid question.
My only conclusion is that, i will fall in love at the age of 60, to the muddled widower next door who still has his hair. Or to the 52 cats that i will be allergic to but still feed out of my pension allotments. Hopefully i have enough cpf, muhaha.
Tori Amos
Me loves being surrounded by sweaty men and shiny toned women.
If only because it makes me less likely to slack on the treadmill because then who'd look like the 'tard then? Even if they are the ones with the vpl (or vbl).
I've put on so much damn weight that i can feel my ass shaking when i run (stumble) for all of those seconds, and though i can't quite balance a coffee cup on it a la j.lo yet, it really does feel too good to move regularly like this again! Squeal, cheerleader kick, swirl! Not so much of a resolution as a real need to get back into shape before i hit any more 0's in my birthday.
Course it helps confirm that i'm alive, sometimes i feel so deadened to anything that i wonder. Hmm. Diagnosis- general keratonisation of the self. Cause? Datingitis.
I know, i know, i've been out of play for so long, what with being in game for so long that i've forgotten the basics and relied on the other team lobbing easy shots. Now that i actually have to do the try outs again i find myself cringing with the possible outcomes. What happens if the next person is a sloppy kisser? What happens if he doesnt like my ass? I don't think i have the patience, tenacity nor courage to deal with all this again.
It's certainly nothing like bicycle riding. I have nothing in my arsenal that even resembles date behaviour.
The thought of getting to know someone all over again, having to play nice, get used to the bugger AND another ego, is frankly, beyond me right now. . I'd rather stay at home and play scrabble. Or go out and stay secure in friend zone, bitch and not have to feel apologetic if i happen to snort fizzy drinks out of my nose if i laugh too hard. Not that it has happened, of course. I have more fun listening to my friends exclamations during the waxing sessions then i do trying to make conversations with some guy.
Besides, the last guy who impressed me with his manners was when i was busy being a fag hag. Lovely men, lovely manners, all shrieking no in unison when i asked them to just treat me as one of the guys. My bad. Stupid question.
My only conclusion is that, i will fall in love at the age of 60, to the muddled widower next door who still has his hair. Or to the 52 cats that i will be allergic to but still feed out of my pension allotments. Hopefully i have enough cpf, muhaha.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Hello me loverlies ;p
I can't believe it but the ending of the past year and this years beginning has been incredible. In fact, i would go as far as to say that i can't remember the last time i was this contented.
Not quite sure how this happened, and i sure as hell wasn't in the mood for fun and games awhile back.. But the good times roll :)
It's strange. Comfort comes at the strangest and most unexpected times. And from people whom you'd never imagine . It's more of a slow, steady saturation as opposed to any number of happy events, and for once i have learnt to not think of my name as a trial, but a reminder of things to come.
I can't believe it but the ending of the past year and this years beginning has been incredible. In fact, i would go as far as to say that i can't remember the last time i was this contented.
Not quite sure how this happened, and i sure as hell wasn't in the mood for fun and games awhile back.. But the good times roll :)
It's strange. Comfort comes at the strangest and most unexpected times. And from people whom you'd never imagine . It's more of a slow, steady saturation as opposed to any number of happy events, and for once i have learnt to not think of my name as a trial, but a reminder of things to come.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Listening to: The one moment
Gattica Ost
I've realised that all the missing i've been doing isn't for just one person. Yes, longer ones (hmmmm) are hard to shake off but... is it really because of the person, or the sudden and enforced lost of another person's physical availabiity and closeness?
The healing and therapeutic power of touch has been documented, observed, researched and scribed throughout the ages. Even before words were ever formed or needed, there was touch. A wordless communication that comforts, shames and inflames.
How can so many of us survive without it on a daily basis? Speech can be superfluous but imagine for just one day if instead of speech, we just reached out. I think we'd be alot happier. Nothing sexual, just a primal need to be truly noticed, witnessed and felt.
I was thinking about it this morning and i was filled with a great and intense sadness for those who are chronically deprived of this either because of stigma or social constraints. Updates here on what i have done to help soon :)
On a lighter note someone has managed to get my interest, very intently indeed. Hope for me, i was wondering when i would ever notice the male form again *huge grins*
Gattica Ost
I've realised that all the missing i've been doing isn't for just one person. Yes, longer ones (hmmmm) are hard to shake off but... is it really because of the person, or the sudden and enforced lost of another person's physical availabiity and closeness?
The healing and therapeutic power of touch has been documented, observed, researched and scribed throughout the ages. Even before words were ever formed or needed, there was touch. A wordless communication that comforts, shames and inflames.
How can so many of us survive without it on a daily basis? Speech can be superfluous but imagine for just one day if instead of speech, we just reached out. I think we'd be alot happier. Nothing sexual, just a primal need to be truly noticed, witnessed and felt.
I was thinking about it this morning and i was filled with a great and intense sadness for those who are chronically deprived of this either because of stigma or social constraints. Updates here on what i have done to help soon :)
On a lighter note someone has managed to get my interest, very intently indeed. Hope for me, i was wondering when i would ever notice the male form again *huge grins*
Friday, November 30, 2007
Incandescent
Listening to~ Destiny
By Zero 7.
1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs
2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.
3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.
4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!
5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.
On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.
By Zero 7.
1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs
2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.
3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.
4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!
5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.
On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Boy meets girl
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.
Me is not a happy camper :(
Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...
till then...
*twiddles thumbs*
till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.
Me is not a happy camper :(
Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...
till then...
*twiddles thumbs*
till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Terribly addicted to some of the numbers on this soundtrack. Sometimes melancholy needs a lil encouragment :)
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
E. E. Cummings
Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.
Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.
I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
E. E. Cummings
Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.
Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.
I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.
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