Like from a different realm
light itself you seem
illuminating for worlds around.

Symphony of words
Crescendo of desires
You play me, maestro
bringing forth in tones
songs my heart never knew.

Sparks of you
set my soul aglow
a jolt to my senses
a star to my sky
and a new scar to bare.

Listening to: Anybody's fool
Dylan

Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?

When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.

Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.

"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.

And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.

What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?

On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!

Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..

Listening to: Toothpaste Kisses
The Maccabees



Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.


Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.






Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?









I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.


Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :


Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth


Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..

Chopsticks to it!



Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D

Grinnin' like a loon with the latest Hogan, courtesy of the Bro.

Rare glimspses,my specialty *grins*

Listening to: Twisted Transistor
Korn

I am an irritable, passive aggressive, junk eating, eye rolling, ugly little thing.

God forbid, but i'm even rascist today.

My blog alignment seems to be whack today even though i havn't touched it for a bit and it was fine when i last peeked in.

I'm turned off. Majorly. I was asked to bandaid a finger. Because of a paper cut. If he was being manja i could have handled it, but it had nothing to do with it. And he isn't a subject. And it isn't cute. God i need an evoluted caveman!

Mainly because faggots sometimes are just, and exactly that. Faggots.

Because sometimes people expect others to conveniently lead when they can't, and do take the lead, when they can't!

Becauase i'm such a dipshit i can't say no.

Because my comfort drink isn't working.

Because i'm tired and sore,

And because i hate sleeping alone.

Maybe what they whisper about a woman who is in a bad mood speaks truth somedays.

Garh.

Listening to: Humming
Portishead

Did anyone else have to stifle shudders when reading about the possibility, no scrap that, the introduction of a new life form?

The plan is to slip the synthetic chromosome inside the microscopic skin of one of the Mycoplasma bacterium, replacing its natural genome with the machine-made one and sparking the creature into a life form that can reproduce itself.

It already has a unofficial name. Synthia. A bit of an effort for me not to associate this with hollywood (I am legend, anyone?) but with a name as sexy as Synthia, it's not easy!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22827585/

Piccies!




Colonies of the transformed Mycoplasma mycoides bacterium showing up as bright blue. Image Credit: J. Craig Venter Institute




Here are some facts that might help the news hit a lil closer to home

• Simply put, synthia is a synthetic DNA carrying all the instructions that a simple cell needs to live and reproduce.

• The building blocks of DNA--adenine (A), guanine (G), cytosine (C) and thiamine (T) are not easy chemicals to artificially synthesize into chromosomes. As the strands of DNA get longer they get increasingly brittle, making them more difficult to work with. Previously, the largest synthesized DNA contained only 32,000 base pair genomes. This one has 582,970 base pair genome, a clinical milestone in itself.

• The synthetic M. genitalium has a molecular weight of 360,110kilodaltons (kDa). Printed in 10 point font, the letters of the M.genitalium JCVI-1.0 genome span 147 pages. Mycoplasma genitalium is a bacterium that can infect the human genital tract.

• Mycoplasma genitalium was originally isolated in 1980 from urethral specimens of two male patients with non-gonococcal urethritis

• The researchers said they used first E. coli bacteria and then yeast cells to copy pieces of DNA and assemble them into an artificial chromosome.
  

I find it both alarming and amusing that we are starting off the glorious road to new life basing the template of life from a bacteria native to an area that a sun never shines on and an STD. This bodes oodles of fun im sure.

Listening to: Absolution
Gary Numan.

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Chinese Proverb

I've also heard it said that when you're stranded on the seas and islands, sea water brings you closer to death with each sip, drains you, parches your lips even as you let all the waters of the world seep through your hands, or leave you crusted hard with salt cyrstals.

I believe both to be true. I can't help it (",

Listening to: Drifting
Sarah Mclachlan

Sappiness ahead- you were warned!

So.. My first real meet up with the most recent ex.

We've been talking since nov, not always lighthearted since things moved so fast that i felt there wasn't really closure, which im a stickler for. Details, details..

Days pass into weeks, and weeks into months as time is wont to do. It feels like nov was in a separate lifetime and you know what? It is.

So happy for him.. Things were not ideal during the last days, and i was in misery not knowing if quitting was the right thing to do. Such a burden, to leave behind something so precious, to make a decision which very well could affect especially a woman for the rest of her life.

Its amazing how both our prayers got answered ( Be careful what you ask for now...). How so many things fell into place that could not have been chance, and how we, too human to make the right decision, had the best ones made for us.

Perhaps this is going to sound incestous but.. When i look at him now i can see and feel only a brother, a gentle heart made for friendship. I asked for a girl for him who would not mind our still close friendship, and amazingly, i got that too! How many girls would hate another girl nearby ( and a cute one too ;pp), would be the first one to say hello.. To this i can only be amazed and say that god is exceedingly good. Saw her pic, and i give my blessing, lol.

Closure i wanted, demanded, and it is better than i thought it would be.

Now he tells me that he wants me to not be alone, but it is easier than he thinks for me to watch while he makes his plans for life. For one i have only joy that he has managed to find what so many have not. And secondly.. Perhaps i'm just not capable of loving anyone in the truest sense of the word? Because if i did, surely i'd have done so by now?

To be able to adore the one i'm with, to submit (willingly) with heart and soul and know i would go through anything with him, for him. To undoubtedly know that he is the love of my life. If i only have one life, i'll be damned if i never learn the meaning of these.

Listening to: The Gift
Sai No Haha O.S.T

(wierd title, delicate pretty songs ;p)

Just received news that someone in my life might be going to Dubai for a couple of years or more.

There is nothing more bittersweet then someone who almost means the world to you slowly but surely moving furthur and furthur away. Yeah, it's surely thrown a funk to my mood and concentration this morning, and soon it'll be time for a last supper and the ritual of upgrading my addresses.

There are some whom you love to have around. Then there are those whom you love no matter if they are around or not, if they've been good or bad, those who are always worth it no matter what.

Thank you for hanging around so long ;p Be safe, be loved, and most of all, think on me and know you have someone who's always on your side.

Listening to: Devils and Gods
Tori Amos

Me loves being surrounded by sweaty men and shiny toned women.
If only because it makes me less likely to slack on the treadmill because then who'd look like the 'tard then? Even if they are the ones with the vpl (or vbl).

I've put on so much damn weight that i can feel my ass shaking when i run (stumble) for all of those seconds, and though i can't quite balance a coffee cup on it a la j.lo yet, it really does feel too good to move regularly like this again! Squeal, cheerleader kick, swirl! Not so much of a resolution as a real need to get back into shape before i hit any more 0's in my birthday.

Course it helps confirm that i'm alive, sometimes i feel so deadened to anything that i wonder. Hmm. Diagnosis- general keratonisation of the self. Cause? Datingitis.

I know, i know, i've been out of play for so long, what with being in game for so long that i've forgotten the basics and relied on the other team lobbing easy shots. Now that i actually have to do the try outs again i find myself cringing with the possible outcomes. What happens if the next person is a sloppy kisser? What happens if he doesnt like my ass? I don't think i have the patience, tenacity nor courage to deal with all this again.

It's certainly nothing like bicycle riding. I have nothing in my arsenal that even resembles date behaviour.

The thought of getting to know someone all over again, having to play nice, get used to the bugger AND another ego, is frankly, beyond me right now. . I'd rather stay at home and play scrabble. Or go out and stay secure in friend zone, bitch and not have to feel apologetic if i happen to snort fizzy drinks out of my nose if i laugh too hard. Not that it has happened, of course. I have more fun listening to my friends exclamations during the waxing sessions then i do trying to make conversations with some guy.

Besides, the last guy who impressed me with his manners was when i was busy being a fag hag. Lovely men, lovely manners, all shrieking no in unison when i asked them to just treat me as one of the guys. My bad. Stupid question.

My only conclusion is that, i will fall in love at the age of 60, to the muddled widower next door who still has his hair. Or to the 52 cats that i will be allergic to but still feed out of my pension allotments. Hopefully i have enough cpf, muhaha.

Hello me loverlies ;p

I can't believe it but the ending of the past year and this years beginning has been incredible. In fact, i would go as far as to say that i can't remember the last time i was this contented.

Not quite sure how this happened, and i sure as hell wasn't in the mood for fun and games awhile back.. But the good times roll :)

It's strange. Comfort comes at the strangest and most unexpected times. And from people whom you'd never imagine . It's more of a slow, steady saturation as opposed to any number of happy events, and for once i have learnt to not think of my name as a trial, but a reminder of things to come.

Listening to: The one moment
Gattica Ost

I've realised that all the missing i've been doing isn't for just one person. Yes, longer ones (hmmmm) are hard to shake off but... is it really because of the person, or the sudden and enforced lost of another person's physical availabiity and closeness?

The healing and therapeutic power of touch has been documented, observed, researched and scribed throughout the ages. Even before words were ever formed or needed, there was touch. A wordless communication that comforts, shames and inflames.

How can so many of us survive without it on a daily basis? Speech can be superfluous but imagine for just one day if instead of speech, we just reached out. I think we'd be alot happier. Nothing sexual, just a primal need to be truly noticed, witnessed and felt.

I was thinking about it this morning and i was filled with a great and intense sadness for those who are chronically deprived of this either because of stigma or social constraints. Updates here on what i have done to help soon :)

On a lighter note someone has managed to get my interest, very intently indeed. Hope for me, i was wondering when i would ever notice the male form again *huge grins*

Incandescent

Listening to~ Destiny
By Zero 7.


1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs

2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.

3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.

4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!

5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.

On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.

Boy meets girl
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.

Me is not a happy camper :(

Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...

till then...

*twiddles thumbs*

till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.

Terribly addicted to some of the numbers on this soundtrack. Sometimes melancholy needs a lil encouragment :)
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings


Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.

Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.

I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.

When i left the house, i had almost 0.4 carats of sweet, shiny, stone in the valley of my collar bones.

An after lunch touch up in the mirror showed me that a clasp around my neck is no match for the ingenuity of my klutziness.

Despondency, my companion for today. Big sigh.

I had a really crap dream last night.

I dreamt that someone had been cultivating vats of leeches in some hdb basement, and that the leeches had somehow gotten into the water supply. they spread all over the place, became an epidemic and worse.. i dreamt they were actually crawling pass/into/through my skin. Being the happily lucid dreamer that i am, i even gave myself the thoughtful view of what they looked like coming into my body from the inside of me. So i see this black wriggly thing first wavering towards my body heat, then slowly shrinking itself to squeeze through my unbroken skin and once the head's through, opening its big mouth to clamp onto my bloody, pink flesh.

Nasty. At several points they even flew, so like a swarm of flies in india they converged upon me with not a collective buzz, but with a noisy sort of silent squishing. And you can't brush them off because they hook onto you instantly, so all i cld do was let my hand brush at their slimy little expanding bodies like so many short fat strands of chin chow.

Cue dream dictionary, because i can't even begin to imagine what the dream means.

Leeches: To see or be bitten by leeches in your dream, refers to something in your life that is draining the energy and vigor out of you. The dream may refer to people, habits, or negative emotions that are sucking you out of your vitality. Alternatively, if your body is covered in leeches, then you are feeling disgusted by your own body or repulsed by something you have done.

Fucking exams. Thank god they're over by tuesday. If i had studied this hard when i was in primary school, i'd be a nuclear physicist by now.

Its lovely to have a boss who doesnt care if youre at your desk or not, just as long as you get your work done.

Thankfully, most doctors are like that. They are so in a world of their own, they'll happily let legal paperwork which is due in 2 mins sit on their desk for another 4 mths under fire hazards on their desks while you constantly remind them via calls, mail and smses. Then when you look for them in their clinics because you have had enough of their shite, they turn to you and say,

"

There are easier ways to get my signature.

"

That was a good one.

They're funny folks, they are. The one i have now is actually rather sweet, so much so im reluctantly willing to sacrifice alot more for him albeit a little grumpily, because i know he's a really nice guy. He offered me chocolates (Chocolates!) with such a boyish big smile and earnest sincerity (when was the last time you had utter sincerity from a person?) when i went to bug him that my heart melted and i had to resist the urge to pat him on his head and tell him he's doing fine.

I have this new girl and i cant stop staring at her. Well. Parts of her.

You know how some girls are so hairy, when they bend over and you see a large expanse of back, there's hair there? Not there. Just on the lower back. A 'not so fine', 'not so sprinkled as liberally plowed and grown' kind of hair there.

I havn't had the opportunity of seeing her bending over in my face, so i can't comment on her back. For all i know she has the baldest body tits downward, but it must be excluding her arms. I swear its not like the normal straight kind of arm hair you see on typically hairy women. I know she'll never have to tell anyone she has natural curls.

I tried to look for hairy pics, but all i found was a site from some man telling the world about his boners from pictures of beautiful hairy women.

The ironic part is that she does a beautiful shave and moisturise on her legs. Not a ingrown hair in sight. What's a hairy girl to do? Damned if you do, damed if you dont!

I've always told the better half he was lucky.

Not because he's naturally skinny and white ( i am so going to have my ass whuped) and has nicer legs than i have, but because ive never been the kind of girl who wants to get married as soon as financially or decently possible.

When i was a younger girl (how do you define woman?), i had friends who married because they didn't believe in planning. And i promised myself it would never happen to me.

When i was a slightly older girl, i looked at the relationships between mothers and daughters. They were so volatile to me, even then, i swore. I would never let the possibility of that happen to me.

When i was even older, i looked at the marriage dynamics of the people around me, and i told myself.. it will never happen to me.

Its a battle against common sense, of what people tell you and what you want to believe. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. Whats a girl to do?