Listening to: Karma Police
radiohead
I've never had a month with more highs and lows than this february.
Ecstacy and contentment, not always mutually exclusive. Goosebumps ( black knights=instant pant cream). Anticipation, and enthusiasm, all conspired to make me more foolishly open to everything than i have ever been. Granted, my routines of late have been less than healthy, but i was enjoying being free, relishing how i felt, which was- alive, and terribly happy and loved.
Feeling intensely alive demands you feel every single, fuckin little thing.
How could you do it? You asked me to trust you, and i did, i did, but you became a beast in that moment.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
listening to: at last
cyndi lauper
How many perfect days are allowed to go by consecutively? I'm stretching them out with absolute pleasure, savouring every minute, luxuriating in their unpredictability.
On a perfect day, you wake with a slow smile on your face, and with a certainty of being able to weather anything, and everything. Not everything might go absolutely right,but you're still good, because you know everything has its moment, and it is now.
On a perfect day, i ditch my usual drill, and contemplate instead on the opposite; what i can do for you
On a perfect day, i am filled with the realisation that i am suddenly, inexplicably different. What a difference one person can make :)
And the difference is you, lord.
cyndi lauper
How many perfect days are allowed to go by consecutively? I'm stretching them out with absolute pleasure, savouring every minute, luxuriating in their unpredictability.
On a perfect day, you wake with a slow smile on your face, and with a certainty of being able to weather anything, and everything. Not everything might go absolutely right,but you're still good, because you know everything has its moment, and it is now.
On a perfect day, i ditch my usual drill, and contemplate instead on the opposite; what i can do for you
On a perfect day, i am filled with the realisation that i am suddenly, inexplicably different. What a difference one person can make :)
And the difference is you, lord.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I seem to be doing tons of sobbing lately.
I've run out of tissues, and have added a new kind of pride to my already extensive list. The kind that makes you pretend like a boulder just got into your eye when someone looks at you incredulously and asks," Shite girl, are you crying again?" and then rolls their eyes.
First was when the alien died in CJ7, and the second when i watched Le Scaphandre et le papillon (the diving bell and the butterfly).
Let's concentrate on the second, the true story of Mr Jean-Dominique Bauby, editor of Elle, in paris. He suffered a massive haemorrahage, leaving him with a body felled by total paralysis except for eyes able to blink. (Later they sewed up one eye due to a malfunctioning of his tear ducts.) The remarkable bit is that he was totally, and horribly alert. This is termed all too aptly: Locked-in-Syndrome.
So this chappie starts dictating; tediously blinking through the entire alphabet to construct words, sentences, chapters, and finally a bestseller. He lays bare his horror, humour, emotions and regrets alternatingly living and not living life to the full.
Perhaps the scenes are more raw for me because i've had patients who've had a total stroke out before and who were unable to move and speak. They might not have had full mental capacity, but to be constrained to a life on a bed and to the terrible monotony of..just lying is hell on earth even to consider. You can never again taste the pleasure of food or indulge a craving, someone wierd cleans you everyday and you have no choice if you don't feel clean enough. No one can scratch that infernal itch for you, or change the channel of a static tv that droans endlessly. Worse i feel, is the silence and supernatural length of the night when so many of them lie awake because of the hours spent sleeping during the day.
During the night, no one else is around. Fear sets in- So many things can happen. Choking on your own saliva, a pain that gets worse and worse and you can neither shift, nor call out; these could be surpassed by your own demons made incarnate, or nightmares that you can never verbalise or be comforted from.
For a while Jean-do appeared to be recovering well, regaining use of his neck muscles and managing to grunt songs, but only days after the publishing of his book, he passed.
The direction of the film, cast and landscapes of france make it impossible for me not to fall in love with the bitter story.
The gleamings of what i have been reminded of from this should be obvious, but oh, how foolish i feel fretting about the small things and people in my life. And how dead to life i have been.. If i have to go through the same thing as jean-do did, i'd be horrified more by what a waste of oxygen and carbon i was. If it happened to you today, what would you regret?
I've run out of tissues, and have added a new kind of pride to my already extensive list. The kind that makes you pretend like a boulder just got into your eye when someone looks at you incredulously and asks," Shite girl, are you crying again?" and then rolls their eyes.
First was when the alien died in CJ7, and the second when i watched Le Scaphandre et le papillon (the diving bell and the butterfly).
Let's concentrate on the second, the true story of Mr Jean-Dominique Bauby, editor of Elle, in paris. He suffered a massive haemorrahage, leaving him with a body felled by total paralysis except for eyes able to blink. (Later they sewed up one eye due to a malfunctioning of his tear ducts.) The remarkable bit is that he was totally, and horribly alert. This is termed all too aptly: Locked-in-Syndrome.
So this chappie starts dictating; tediously blinking through the entire alphabet to construct words, sentences, chapters, and finally a bestseller. He lays bare his horror, humour, emotions and regrets alternatingly living and not living life to the full.
Perhaps the scenes are more raw for me because i've had patients who've had a total stroke out before and who were unable to move and speak. They might not have had full mental capacity, but to be constrained to a life on a bed and to the terrible monotony of..just lying is hell on earth even to consider. You can never again taste the pleasure of food or indulge a craving, someone wierd cleans you everyday and you have no choice if you don't feel clean enough. No one can scratch that infernal itch for you, or change the channel of a static tv that droans endlessly. Worse i feel, is the silence and supernatural length of the night when so many of them lie awake because of the hours spent sleeping during the day.
During the night, no one else is around. Fear sets in- So many things can happen. Choking on your own saliva, a pain that gets worse and worse and you can neither shift, nor call out; these could be surpassed by your own demons made incarnate, or nightmares that you can never verbalise or be comforted from.
For a while Jean-do appeared to be recovering well, regaining use of his neck muscles and managing to grunt songs, but only days after the publishing of his book, he passed.
The direction of the film, cast and landscapes of france make it impossible for me not to fall in love with the bitter story.
The gleamings of what i have been reminded of from this should be obvious, but oh, how foolish i feel fretting about the small things and people in my life. And how dead to life i have been.. If i have to go through the same thing as jean-do did, i'd be horrified more by what a waste of oxygen and carbon i was. If it happened to you today, what would you regret?
Monday, February 11, 2008
Listening to: Shy
Sonara antartica
Random thoughts. People can be surprisingly beautiful.
The security guard who takes solace in the lateness of the hour- playing a chopin. He stops when he sees us, but he doesn't know we marvel.
The sleazy scholar with his hard earned, oft flashed material comforts. Brash and coarse at first he seemed to me, but he takes time out to cook his soup for his sick mother, and his attentiveness is.. *laughs* surprising.
The unexpected card from a friend. Sniff.
The look in my mom's eyes when i told her i wasn't coming back for dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am so pooped. Today is just goanna be errands, and movie with bets. *yawns* No longer thinking about ze supposed lup of mine life, think i've gotten to know him a little too well. I thought i knew the difference between infatuation and lurvve. Apparently it takes time to tell :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sonara antartica
Random thoughts. People can be surprisingly beautiful.
The security guard who takes solace in the lateness of the hour- playing a chopin. He stops when he sees us, but he doesn't know we marvel.
The sleazy scholar with his hard earned, oft flashed material comforts. Brash and coarse at first he seemed to me, but he takes time out to cook his soup for his sick mother, and his attentiveness is.. *laughs* surprising.
The unexpected card from a friend. Sniff.
The look in my mom's eyes when i told her i wasn't coming back for dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am so pooped. Today is just goanna be errands, and movie with bets. *yawns* No longer thinking about ze supposed lup of mine life, think i've gotten to know him a little too well. I thought i knew the difference between infatuation and lurvve. Apparently it takes time to tell :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Listening to: Anybody's fool
Dylan
Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?
When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.
Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.
"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.
And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.
What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?
On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!
Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..
Dylan
Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?
When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.
Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.
"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.
And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.
What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?
On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!
Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..
Monday, February 04, 2008
Listening to: Toothpaste Kisses
The Maccabees
Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.
Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.
Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?
I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.
Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :
Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth
Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..
Chopsticks to it!
Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D
The Maccabees
Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.
Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.
Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?
I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.
Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :
Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth
Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..
Chopsticks to it!
Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D
Grinnin' like a loon with the latest Hogan, courtesy of the Bro.
Rare glimspses,my specialty *grins*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)