Listening to: The one moment
Gattica Ost
I've realised that all the missing i've been doing isn't for just one person. Yes, longer ones (hmmmm) are hard to shake off but... is it really because of the person, or the sudden and enforced lost of another person's physical availabiity and closeness?
The healing and therapeutic power of touch has been documented, observed, researched and scribed throughout the ages. Even before words were ever formed or needed, there was touch. A wordless communication that comforts, shames and inflames.
How can so many of us survive without it on a daily basis? Speech can be superfluous but imagine for just one day if instead of speech, we just reached out. I think we'd be alot happier. Nothing sexual, just a primal need to be truly noticed, witnessed and felt.
I was thinking about it this morning and i was filled with a great and intense sadness for those who are chronically deprived of this either because of stigma or social constraints. Updates here on what i have done to help soon :)
On a lighter note someone has managed to get my interest, very intently indeed. Hope for me, i was wondering when i would ever notice the male form again *huge grins*
Friday, November 30, 2007
Incandescent
Listening to~ Destiny
By Zero 7.
1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs
2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.
3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.
4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!
5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.
On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.
By Zero 7.
1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs
2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.
3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.
4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!
5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.
On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Boy meets girl
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.
Me is not a happy camper :(
Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...
till then...
*twiddles thumbs*
till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.
Me is not a happy camper :(
Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...
till then...
*twiddles thumbs*
till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Terribly addicted to some of the numbers on this soundtrack. Sometimes melancholy needs a lil encouragment :)
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
E. E. Cummings
Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.
Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.
I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
E. E. Cummings
Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.
Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.
I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I had a really crap dream last night.
I dreamt that someone had been cultivating vats of leeches in some hdb basement, and that the leeches had somehow gotten into the water supply. they spread all over the place, became an epidemic and worse.. i dreamt they were actually crawling pass/into/through my skin. Being the happily lucid dreamer that i am, i even gave myself the thoughtful view of what they looked like coming into my body from the inside of me. So i see this black wriggly thing first wavering towards my body heat, then slowly shrinking itself to squeeze through my unbroken skin and once the head's through, opening its big mouth to clamp onto my bloody, pink flesh.
Nasty. At several points they even flew, so like a swarm of flies in india they converged upon me with not a collective buzz, but with a noisy sort of silent squishing. And you can't brush them off because they hook onto you instantly, so all i cld do was let my hand brush at their slimy little expanding bodies like so many short fat strands of chin chow.
Cue dream dictionary, because i can't even begin to imagine what the dream means.
Leeches: To see or be bitten by leeches in your dream, refers to something in your life that is draining the energy and vigor out of you. The dream may refer to people, habits, or negative emotions that are sucking you out of your vitality. Alternatively, if your body is covered in leeches, then you are feeling disgusted by your own body or repulsed by something you have done.
Fucking exams. Thank god they're over by tuesday. If i had studied this hard when i was in primary school, i'd be a nuclear physicist by now.
I dreamt that someone had been cultivating vats of leeches in some hdb basement, and that the leeches had somehow gotten into the water supply. they spread all over the place, became an epidemic and worse.. i dreamt they were actually crawling pass/into/through my skin. Being the happily lucid dreamer that i am, i even gave myself the thoughtful view of what they looked like coming into my body from the inside of me. So i see this black wriggly thing first wavering towards my body heat, then slowly shrinking itself to squeeze through my unbroken skin and once the head's through, opening its big mouth to clamp onto my bloody, pink flesh.
Nasty. At several points they even flew, so like a swarm of flies in india they converged upon me with not a collective buzz, but with a noisy sort of silent squishing. And you can't brush them off because they hook onto you instantly, so all i cld do was let my hand brush at their slimy little expanding bodies like so many short fat strands of chin chow.
Cue dream dictionary, because i can't even begin to imagine what the dream means.
Leeches: To see or be bitten by leeches in your dream, refers to something in your life that is draining the energy and vigor out of you. The dream may refer to people, habits, or negative emotions that are sucking you out of your vitality. Alternatively, if your body is covered in leeches, then you are feeling disgusted by your own body or repulsed by something you have done.
Fucking exams. Thank god they're over by tuesday. If i had studied this hard when i was in primary school, i'd be a nuclear physicist by now.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Its lovely to have a boss who doesnt care if youre at your desk or not, just as long as you get your work done.
Thankfully, most doctors are like that. They are so in a world of their own, they'll happily let legal paperwork which is due in 2 mins sit on their desk for another 4 mths under fire hazards on their desks while you constantly remind them via calls, mail and smses. Then when you look for them in their clinics because you have had enough of their shite, they turn to you and say,
"
There are easier ways to get my signature.
"
That was a good one.
They're funny folks, they are. The one i have now is actually rather sweet, so much so im reluctantly willing to sacrifice alot more for him albeit a little grumpily, because i know he's a really nice guy. He offered me chocolates (Chocolates!) with such a boyish big smile and earnest sincerity (when was the last time you had utter sincerity from a person?) when i went to bug him that my heart melted and i had to resist the urge to pat him on his head and tell him he's doing fine.
Thankfully, most doctors are like that. They are so in a world of their own, they'll happily let legal paperwork which is due in 2 mins sit on their desk for another 4 mths under fire hazards on their desks while you constantly remind them via calls, mail and smses. Then when you look for them in their clinics because you have had enough of their shite, they turn to you and say,
"
There are easier ways to get my signature.
"
That was a good one.
They're funny folks, they are. The one i have now is actually rather sweet, so much so im reluctantly willing to sacrifice alot more for him albeit a little grumpily, because i know he's a really nice guy. He offered me chocolates (Chocolates!) with such a boyish big smile and earnest sincerity (when was the last time you had utter sincerity from a person?) when i went to bug him that my heart melted and i had to resist the urge to pat him on his head and tell him he's doing fine.
I have this new girl and i cant stop staring at her. Well. Parts of her.
You know how some girls are so hairy, when they bend over and you see a large expanse of back, there's hair there? Not there. Just on the lower back. A 'not so fine', 'not so sprinkled as liberally plowed and grown' kind of hair there.
I havn't had the opportunity of seeing her bending over in my face, so i can't comment on her back. For all i know she has the baldest body tits downward, but it must be excluding her arms. I swear its not like the normal straight kind of arm hair you see on typically hairy women. I know she'll never have to tell anyone she has natural curls.
I tried to look for hairy pics, but all i found was a site from some man telling the world about his boners from pictures of beautiful hairy women.
The ironic part is that she does a beautiful shave and moisturise on her legs. Not a ingrown hair in sight. What's a hairy girl to do? Damned if you do, damed if you dont!
You know how some girls are so hairy, when they bend over and you see a large expanse of back, there's hair there? Not there. Just on the lower back. A 'not so fine', 'not so sprinkled as liberally plowed and grown' kind of hair there.
I havn't had the opportunity of seeing her bending over in my face, so i can't comment on her back. For all i know she has the baldest body tits downward, but it must be excluding her arms. I swear its not like the normal straight kind of arm hair you see on typically hairy women. I know she'll never have to tell anyone she has natural curls.
I tried to look for hairy pics, but all i found was a site from some man telling the world about his boners from pictures of beautiful hairy women.
The ironic part is that she does a beautiful shave and moisturise on her legs. Not a ingrown hair in sight. What's a hairy girl to do? Damned if you do, damed if you dont!
I've always told the better half he was lucky.
Not because he's naturally skinny and white ( i am so going to have my ass whuped) and has nicer legs than i have, but because ive never been the kind of girl who wants to get married as soon as financially or decently possible.
When i was a younger girl (how do you define woman?), i had friends who married because they didn't believe in planning. And i promised myself it would never happen to me.
When i was a slightly older girl, i looked at the relationships between mothers and daughters. They were so volatile to me, even then, i swore. I would never let the possibility of that happen to me.
When i was even older, i looked at the marriage dynamics of the people around me, and i told myself.. it will never happen to me.
Its a battle against common sense, of what people tell you and what you want to believe. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. Whats a girl to do?
Not because he's naturally skinny and white ( i am so going to have my ass whuped) and has nicer legs than i have, but because ive never been the kind of girl who wants to get married as soon as financially or decently possible.
When i was a younger girl (how do you define woman?), i had friends who married because they didn't believe in planning. And i promised myself it would never happen to me.
When i was a slightly older girl, i looked at the relationships between mothers and daughters. They were so volatile to me, even then, i swore. I would never let the possibility of that happen to me.
When i was even older, i looked at the marriage dynamics of the people around me, and i told myself.. it will never happen to me.
Its a battle against common sense, of what people tell you and what you want to believe. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. Whats a girl to do?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I took a peek at the C.v that had been sent to me. As i read through the list leading to yet more lists of accomplishments, my pulse quickened and i couldn't help but rest a palm against my chest because i felt overwhelmed and.. slightly dizzy. Linguistically a genius, the cunningness not at all concealed; Musically learnt, and as always i think of the nimbleness and quickness of concert performers; Academically.. I figure i counted 2 non distinctions.
How often do you meet a person who really inspires you to do more?
It would be easier if he was a complete bastard, so i could console myself with the fact that everyone hates him but unfortunately, as these things turn out, he is a total and complete sweetheart. Thanks god.
Why does intelligence in its varied forms make you/me/us wet? For women perhaps it's linked to an inherent need to want to choose a man whose able to lead you to a more secure path. But why does it affect men in the same way?
And yet- to want to do more than the nothing i'm overly familiar with- How can it be bad?
How could I have felt so weak and so passive at twenty and feel so strong now?
It is so wonderful. - Anais Nin at 69
How often do you meet a person who really inspires you to do more?
It would be easier if he was a complete bastard, so i could console myself with the fact that everyone hates him but unfortunately, as these things turn out, he is a total and complete sweetheart. Thanks god.
Why does intelligence in its varied forms make you/me/us wet? For women perhaps it's linked to an inherent need to want to choose a man whose able to lead you to a more secure path. But why does it affect men in the same way?
And yet- to want to do more than the nothing i'm overly familiar with- How can it be bad?
How could I have felt so weak and so passive at twenty and feel so strong now?
It is so wonderful. - Anais Nin at 69
Monday, December 18, 2006
Is tiredness a good excuse?
Moi: Do you have any idea what her age is?
BD: Don't know, never asked. Know shes the same age as her hubbie though.
Moi: Uh. But... You know how old he is right?
BD: Yeah. 34.
Sometimes, it's better to just let some things pass :)
BD: Don't know, never asked. Know shes the same age as her hubbie though.
Moi: Uh. But... You know how old he is right?
BD: Yeah. 34.
Sometimes, it's better to just let some things pass :)
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Some people take 'it' ie: the chronic state of being six kinds of a moron, to the extremes.
Went into the recreation room in the unit after lights out to find a middle aged *man nearing the age of 40, in a crouch in front of the main door. He wrung hands and lamented that i was just lucky to have caught him. I might have been amused if he had had chosen a better place to hide.
*term used broadly
Went into the recreation room in the unit after lights out to find a middle aged *man nearing the age of 40, in a crouch in front of the main door. He wrung hands and lamented that i was just lucky to have caught him. I might have been amused if he had had chosen a better place to hide.
*term used broadly
Friday, September 01, 2006
Ramble ahead, proceed with caution.
Religion is such a volatile, emotional topic, even when just brooding about it with myself. Isn't it with you as well?
Typically i change the subject when someone brings up issues, because regardless of whether they share the same faith, viewpoints are never the same. You could spend time getting annoyed at someone who says christians started the war and thus muslims have been on the warpath ever since. You could get miffed when someone remarks that perhaps spirits are somehow preventing me from getting that urge to marry (wtf?), but at the same time i find myself dissing the teachings of my own church.
Take circumcision. Invariably someone will say that was in the old testament, and as such, is hardly relevant. OK, fine. In that case, are the 10 comandments just guidelines, and passe? Or.... The creation of the world in 7 days. We're not supposed to take things literally? Fine. Then whats with the brouhaha and outrage of the big bang, and evolution? If it's not in the bible, then what are we honestly supposed to believe?
And the curious thing is.. If it's written nowhere, how can some people be so sure about it? I figure if you knew everything for certain, you'd be..God.
Typically i change the subject when someone brings up issues, because regardless of whether they share the same faith, viewpoints are never the same. You could spend time getting annoyed at someone who says christians started the war and thus muslims have been on the warpath ever since. You could get miffed when someone remarks that perhaps spirits are somehow preventing me from getting that urge to marry (wtf?), but at the same time i find myself dissing the teachings of my own church.
Take circumcision. Invariably someone will say that was in the old testament, and as such, is hardly relevant. OK, fine. In that case, are the 10 comandments just guidelines, and passe? Or.... The creation of the world in 7 days. We're not supposed to take things literally? Fine. Then whats with the brouhaha and outrage of the big bang, and evolution? If it's not in the bible, then what are we honestly supposed to believe?
And the curious thing is.. If it's written nowhere, how can some people be so sure about it? I figure if you knew everything for certain, you'd be..God.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
One man's meat may be another's poison.
I sit back with a smile as an idle thought flits in and out... One's useless lump may be just that to 'some' man, but to another it could be a morsel that he just has to want, like the day i had nothing but chicken rice because, inexplicably, i couldn't get enough.
I may have a burger with foie gras just to see what something so wrongly expensive tastes like, or i might go to a country themed restaurant to have a taste of something more exotic on my tongue; I might want to try a dish only once, or share it with friends becuase some things are best shared that way; I might want to have jalapeno chips on the side because im tired of soup,
but i'll always come back to my chicken rice.
So don't feel miffed that someone has compared you to a dish to be had anywhere, or to a simple pleasure you think you're better than. Somethings are more than a passing phase, and i know i'll won't ever get tired of my lumps of chicken rice meat :)
I sit back with a smile as an idle thought flits in and out... One's useless lump may be just that to 'some' man, but to another it could be a morsel that he just has to want, like the day i had nothing but chicken rice because, inexplicably, i couldn't get enough.
I may have a burger with foie gras just to see what something so wrongly expensive tastes like, or i might go to a country themed restaurant to have a taste of something more exotic on my tongue; I might want to try a dish only once, or share it with friends becuase some things are best shared that way; I might want to have jalapeno chips on the side because im tired of soup,
but i'll always come back to my chicken rice.
So don't feel miffed that someone has compared you to a dish to be had anywhere, or to a simple pleasure you think you're better than. Somethings are more than a passing phase, and i know i'll won't ever get tired of my lumps of chicken rice meat :)
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I always feel like i disappoint people with my answers.
You know which questions, i'm sure you do. They ask anything related to your job that you're supposed to know everything about.
Case in point. I'm in the healthcare line, thus people will not unexpectedly ask me things ranging from chest pains, to disfigured feet, to abscesses which live in a sunless world. Sure, people will always look to the nearest person for answers, but.. i have the feeling i'm supposed to give them an elaborate answer, complete with medications and urgent, immediate actions they must take or they will die in 12 months.
If you have pain, the obvious thing would be to see if there is anything in the immediate surroundings which might be or did cause it, ie: the pole sticking in your chest is albeit stopping any bleeding but i'm pretty sure you need to get it out. Soon. Splinter? Tight bra? Jeans which chaff unmentionables and thus explain a certain soreness? Havn't eaten for a day and don't know why you're feeling faint?
If you don't have any obvious symptoms, like, oh say.. a one sided slackness, or a crushing pain in the chest follwed by arm numbness, chances are i might not know what is wrong with you either. If you consistently need analgesia stronger than panadol, yes, i'm afraid i'm going to tell you to get your ass to a dr's to find the root cause.
I suppose it would be glorious if i could tell you to bleed 2 chickens, blend their giblets and drink it with ginseng after drinking your own pee for 5 dawns in a south-westerly direction. Or i could deduce what illness you have if, while you are drinking your pee, you notice it smells of petunias.
I can't take your pulse and tell you you're preggers, or prepare poltices for you people. I don't know if it is Definitely stress that is giving you chest pains.
But i can tell you which drs give the most medical leave :)
You know which questions, i'm sure you do. They ask anything related to your job that you're supposed to know everything about.
Case in point. I'm in the healthcare line, thus people will not unexpectedly ask me things ranging from chest pains, to disfigured feet, to abscesses which live in a sunless world. Sure, people will always look to the nearest person for answers, but.. i have the feeling i'm supposed to give them an elaborate answer, complete with medications and urgent, immediate actions they must take or they will die in 12 months.
If you have pain, the obvious thing would be to see if there is anything in the immediate surroundings which might be or did cause it, ie: the pole sticking in your chest is albeit stopping any bleeding but i'm pretty sure you need to get it out. Soon. Splinter? Tight bra? Jeans which chaff unmentionables and thus explain a certain soreness? Havn't eaten for a day and don't know why you're feeling faint?
If you don't have any obvious symptoms, like, oh say.. a one sided slackness, or a crushing pain in the chest follwed by arm numbness, chances are i might not know what is wrong with you either. If you consistently need analgesia stronger than panadol, yes, i'm afraid i'm going to tell you to get your ass to a dr's to find the root cause.
I suppose it would be glorious if i could tell you to bleed 2 chickens, blend their giblets and drink it with ginseng after drinking your own pee for 5 dawns in a south-westerly direction. Or i could deduce what illness you have if, while you are drinking your pee, you notice it smells of petunias.
I can't take your pulse and tell you you're preggers, or prepare poltices for you people. I don't know if it is Definitely stress that is giving you chest pains.
But i can tell you which drs give the most medical leave :)
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I hadn't been for about 2 months, and was happy that morning i decided to go to church. It was going to be a really good day, i thought, and was all smiley. She hadn't been for, oh, 8 mths, and no one knew if she was ever coming back. "She's changed." they whispered behind her back, no one wanting to have a prolonged conversation about bags or makeup.
Who would have thought we would both decide to come back on the same day to church? During the opening hymm i saw a flash of her red jacket, and at that instant, turned and recognised her. Inadvertently (fittingly) invoking God's name as i saw her. The bf turned and saw his ex. We stared at in other in mortification and other. We stared at the hymm lyrics. It had to happen sooner or later. Why not now?
I knew it was about time we met, i'd wanted to long ago. Recognising her from her pictures was easy. Its bizarre, but sitting behind her i was able to observe all her little motions and the sound of her coughs, of her voice as she greeted the rest of the group, and every little thing seemed so..her. More of recognition than observing, i felt. Of all things her mom was there, and i felt her eyes on me, When i looked up to meet her mom's eyes, i couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she seemed to be smiling slightly. Great.
Later when we all sat together after service, it was hard for me to say anything to her. She studiously avoided my eye after i caught it, sat as far away from me as possible, and i would have laughed at her efforts to remain so blase if i had not been feeling so unerved myself. I almost felt sorry, the way the girls in the group didn't exactly hurry to welcome her back, the way they they recoiled a little the more she flashed her scarlet nails and makeup around. I might have left, if not for the steadying look in jamerson's eyes, and his gentle pressure of reassurement on my hands as he left me alone with the girls.
Did i have reason to feel awkward? Yes. Did i have reason to feel guilty? I think we all three do.
Crap.
Who would have thought we would both decide to come back on the same day to church? During the opening hymm i saw a flash of her red jacket, and at that instant, turned and recognised her. Inadvertently (fittingly) invoking God's name as i saw her. The bf turned and saw his ex. We stared at in other in mortification and other. We stared at the hymm lyrics. It had to happen sooner or later. Why not now?
I knew it was about time we met, i'd wanted to long ago. Recognising her from her pictures was easy. Its bizarre, but sitting behind her i was able to observe all her little motions and the sound of her coughs, of her voice as she greeted the rest of the group, and every little thing seemed so..her. More of recognition than observing, i felt. Of all things her mom was there, and i felt her eyes on me, When i looked up to meet her mom's eyes, i couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she seemed to be smiling slightly. Great.
Later when we all sat together after service, it was hard for me to say anything to her. She studiously avoided my eye after i caught it, sat as far away from me as possible, and i would have laughed at her efforts to remain so blase if i had not been feeling so unerved myself. I almost felt sorry, the way the girls in the group didn't exactly hurry to welcome her back, the way they they recoiled a little the more she flashed her scarlet nails and makeup around. I might have left, if not for the steadying look in jamerson's eyes, and his gentle pressure of reassurement on my hands as he left me alone with the girls.
Did i have reason to feel awkward? Yes. Did i have reason to feel guilty? I think we all three do.
Crap.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
In beauty, with words, in form
with emotions, in love, with expression
uneasy routine all.
living between poles
wanting flames,
yet never frozen,
unsure as half bloomed flowers between seasons.
Crown my joys
or cure my pain
but my deadness
it drives me insane.
Sometimes its nice to give in and sound like i've just missed a dose of anti-depressants, but really.. What fuels writing (mine are various states of drivel, but i like them just the same), and many expressions of self are emotional driven; sometimes so much so that we think of their authors and creators as either manic, depressive, or everything inbetween( or outside the normal range of sanity.
Sometimes i give up things, take them as dead because i think things shldn't, or can't go furthur. Sometimes i think that if i took more effort to see things and people to their end, i'd find out alot more about should and could.
with emotions, in love, with expression
uneasy routine all.
living between poles
wanting flames,
yet never frozen,
unsure as half bloomed flowers between seasons.
Crown my joys
or cure my pain
but my deadness
it drives me insane.
Sometimes its nice to give in and sound like i've just missed a dose of anti-depressants, but really.. What fuels writing (mine are various states of drivel, but i like them just the same), and many expressions of self are emotional driven; sometimes so much so that we think of their authors and creators as either manic, depressive, or everything inbetween( or outside the normal range of sanity.
Sometimes i give up things, take them as dead because i think things shldn't, or can't go furthur. Sometimes i think that if i took more effort to see things and people to their end, i'd find out alot more about should and could.
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