Of expectations, great.. and small.

Listening to: Sympathethique
Costes la suite

Had to pop into office today for another subject, and had a little talk with him while we were waiting for his bloods to fill the little vacuum tubes that were nicely arrayed on my tray.
There, in the semi-sterile environment, with dimmed lights and steady hum of the machinery for backdrop, we talked of his wives, girlfriends and his present post of a big honcho for an automobile bigwig company.

"It's all about managing your expectations and priorities. Never settle, never assume".

His words, although simple, have been with me since this afternoon. I've maintained that as my own private motto for a large bit of my life. A simple thing to remember, but never easy to stomach. I've practiced it to such an extent, that it's now first nature for me to compartmentalise. We discuss, i take. A transaction, nothing more, nothing less. I'll only take something, anything, if it's been shaken into me; in the rare instances that i've given in, and asked.. when it was withheld from me i felt doubly ashamed. And now- i never make the same mistake. Flayed with the embarrassment of seeming weak, who ever said that negative reinforcement didn't make one learn was asexual as well as a frigid academic.

So now, sans expectations on others, and too many on myself, i stumble along. Raising my eyes to look at that passer by might be my undoing, and so i lower them again to concentrate on the road most travelled.

Don't expect. Don't assume.

Never want.

Of unease.

Listening to: Walking with a ghost
tegan and sara

I can't put my finger on it.

Made arrangements for the scope today. I think.. company is not needed. It's not that important and fussing over small things annoy the hell out of me. Sorry, make that irritate the Fuck out of me. Snapped at the mother for reminding me to make the appts. If she knew i had to do the scope, she'd flip, and i don't feel like discussing this with her.

What worries me the most- My lethargy. It worries me because unlike anything else, this is tangible, and can be felt, can be observed. Im so tired by the end of a work day. My head spins after a fast walk. I realise that no matter how much i sleep during the day, i can still rest at night. Easily.

So terribly tired. Tired of hearing of all the things people go through. Tired of hearing them talk of their own personal hell. What kind of place is this, that has mostly broken people walking around?

Of criminalistic behaviour.

Listening to: Before i forget
slipknot

I'm worried what's going to slip my mind next.

Went for thosai at this little place opposite the bukit timah reserve. A little stretch of coffeshops, all mostly occupied. We sat down, i took forever to choose. We ordered, we waited, and we talked. Wonderfully balmy night, with conversation and night breezes. Laughing because a guy at the table introduced himself as V.J, only it sounded more like B.j.

The threads of conversation continued, we got up, walked, and plonked down again somewhere else to fan them to greater heights. It was only when i was back home, in the middle of my bath, thinking of the evening, that something hit me on my soapy head. I didn't pay. Oh god. We didn't pay for dinner.

Oops.

As tinky winky would say.. Again!

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Modifying Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Of incapacitation.

Seeing as i'm pretty much useless for anything today, i've taken to equally useless online tests :)

Onward!

Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line

"Feel the force!"

The Amazing Yoda Sex Line Generator

Where would we all be without light sabers, hmm?

Of pains in the neck.

Damn.

My neck is still killing me. I can't look down or turn my head in the slightest, and anything that involves using my shoulder muscles makes me that much more nauseous. I can't even have a lie down because every position except ramrod straight involves pain.

I need a massage. A good one. A professional one. I need large hands. The nice girls who normally tend the spa have bitty hands, and the pressure isn't distributed enough for me because they compensate for small palms with strength. I need.. a gay masseur.

Preferbly if they have nice arms and are shirtless. Therapy indeed.

Rowwwl.

..Much later..

I was reading the newspapers, when i realised that my nose had been itching for some time. After much tracing, i decided to blame the papers . Not such a difficult thing since i noticed my fingers were grubby with newspaper ink. Trudging to the bathroom, i discovered i couldn't quite lift my arms enough, or bend my head down adequately to the sink to wash my whole face. What to do.. Just wash the nose lor.

Sigh.

Of dirty fingers and much licking of lips.

There are a few things that evoke a real and passionate response in the usually apathethic me. They are, in an order of randomness, these:

• Issues pertaining to those who are unable to take a stand for themselves.
• Various hedonistic pursuits of which i shall not go into at this point
• Beauty and luxury of any kind

and

• The sweet, sweet lure of.. cho-co-late. *shudders*

There are few foods that people feel as passionate about -- a passion that goes beyond a love for the "sweetness" of most candies or desserts. It's more than an after dinner mint, more than a coating that melts in my mouth, and in my hands. After all, what other little smidgen or nugget could get me needy in 5 seconds flat from the word "want"? It's a prelude to more, to satiety of senses, to getting my fingers slick, and to low mumurings of pleasure. I've had it as a bribe, a reward, and a form of pleasure in its every form ;p

I love getting chocolate from boutiques. Nothing compares to getting your little mouthfuls of shudders in something shiny. Whether the box, or the ribbons that i love to untie, whether gold, or silver, it's all good. Terribly good really. As any chocoholic worth his cocoa will tell you, after abstinence it's orgasmic even.

That's all well and good. But why does chocolate make me feel so terribly good? More than just a sugar high surely. One of the most pleasant effects of eating chocolate is the "good feeling" that many people experience after indulging. Chocolate contains more than 300 known chemicals.

Caffeine is the most well known of these chemical ingredients, and while it's present in chocolate, it can only be found in small quantities. Theobromine, a weak stimulant, is also present, in slightly higher amounts. The combination of these two chemicals (and possibly others) may provide the "lift" that chocolate eaters experience.

Phenylethylamine is also found in chocolate. It's related to amphetamines, which are strong stimulants. All of these stimulants increase the activity of neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) in parts of the brain that control our ability to pay attention and stay alert.

There are other chemicals, and more effects, but the above are the only ones which have truly been proven. And now the time has come to end this post so i can go raid my stash of anti-depressants cum aphrosadiacs.. MmmMMm.

I live to learn.

Listening to: Giving you up
kylie minogue

The importance of having a good grasp of the english language, and having never to stop learning? Imperative. I learnt a new word the day before.

Fucktard.

The first half of the word- fuck.
Pronunciation: 'f&k
Function: verb
Etymology: akin to Dutch fokken to breed (cattle),
Swedish dialect fokka to copulate

The second half stems from the word retard.
Pronunciation: ri-'tärd
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin;
Middle French retarder,
from Latin retardare,
from re- + tardus slow

Ahh..The beauty of a rounded education.

Of restlessness and heat

So BLOODY warm these few days.

I scurry from teh car to office, from office to the car, into whatever air conditioning i can get. I refused to meet a friend in the afternoon because i was busy hiding behind my curtained windows which, not incidentally, were cool from an internal room temperature of 25 degrees.

Was so disappinted last night there was no welwet. Of course there will be other times, of course you don't have to go with them you say.. I don't. But to me ,the shared companionship of colleagues was something i wanted, particularly after the past few weeks of being so drained. There's nothing quite like misery shared. Shall request for blueskies to remove my link. Methinks my writing will be getting more personal in the days to come.

Was feeling a little moody today, headed to the reef for some sea breeze, drinks and fresh air khaki'ship. We were talking about seriously re-locating. Her reasons? A better life away from the race, better prospects. In between stabbing at the fat, oily.. weiners on my plate, i explained i didn't, and have never particularly liked it here. "What makes you think you'll like it better any where else?" she asked. I don't know. All the times i've travelled, i've always felt a lightness of step, and not simply because i love room service.