Listening to: illusions
chicane


You know how friendster has added another option for the status of relationships? Now another option lets you tell everyone how confused you are, with the option of announcing that "it's complicated".

Am i the only one who gets seriously annoyed by this? Is this a cover up to avoid telling people you're single? Fercryin out loud.. How difficult is it? If you're attached, both parties acknowledge they're in a relationship. If one is unable to say for sure, doesn't that mean you're single? It's the other person's price for assumption if he gets upset. It's a yes or no thing, with some slight variation in shades in between but nothing that one cant cope with, right? If you're dallying with someone, but he hasn't asked you to be his gf, it means you're still single. If she's kissed you but hasn't talked to you since? You're single. If you regularly fuck each other , but you don't watch movies together? You're single!! What's so difficult?? Emotions are messy, and people can be attached to each other but it's mutually exclusive from being IN a relationship!

What's up with this?

Squat-ed.

I'll be a little sad when the squatters at changi beach have all gone. They never made a nuisance of themselves that i saw, and helped us with a birthday surprise for a friend when we couldn't physically be at the site all day.

Strange. Even without saying a word to most of them, i have a feeling the beach will be lonely without their presence.

Listening to: a little respect
eurasure

Tried posting some pics up; but this being the third time, and all for nuts have decided to settle for cursing blogger roundly, but softly and meekly in my corner of office.

1.
Quidam. Cirque du Soleil's latest offering was what i had been looking forward to for mths, but by the second act i was wiping tears away. Tears of sleepiness that is. The acts were there, yes, but it looked like they had peetered off from the original dramatic, eye widening and gasp inducing ones, to something that any trained gymnast could do. Fine. Some of the acts were worthy of the price, but maybe only two out of the array. i couldn't bring myself to stand for any ovations, as did most of the crowd. Liked the bag from the girls, and i'll be keeping the card forever :)

It's a bit sad, but the red shoes afterward was so much more entertaining.. Joining yet more of the throng at cineleisure after playing warcraft for a bit, we decided to catch (yet another) korean horror flick. I'm not one for taking much notice of names, but Kim Sung-soo is a rather dishy specimen. Kim Hye-soo, the female lead is seriously one of the better asian actresses i have seen, being able to act, and look versatile. Plus. She's a sex kitten in waiting. Apaprently the version i caught was a bit moralistic because steamy scenes were cut. Cencorship board, C'mon! There were no nudies, so what makes you think your audience hasn't seen it all? Moving on. Oh. On a side note, this show has one of the ugliest little girls i have seen acting. Right.

2.
Tits, boobies, jugs, hooters, funbags, bazookas. Who reading can lay claim to touching augmented ones? Oooh- i can, i can! Just thought i'd mention it :) For the benefit of those who've wondered if they're rock hard, and look real, here's the low down on how FAKE BOBBIES FEEL.

They do point at the ceiling, the pair i saw must have been done quite some time ago because scars were visible (very), slanting directly beneath the curves. If she had waited, she could have chosen the incisions either under her arms, or via the areolas.

They were perfectly round, both of equal size, perpendicular to the ceiling :) At first i was slightly apprehensive because i kept envisioning lin chiling's saline burst, but they turned out to be..uh..slightly more malleable. Im sensing thats a wrong choice of word.. They moved around, but very much limited by their firmness and size. They were not that hard, but felt like a very distended balloon with padding on top. Slightly yuck.

3.

Here's a question. If you knew that in your workplace one of your clients was a paedophile, would you let him get away with it? To my great disgust, apparently one of my subjects (a caucasian middle aged man whom i was uncomfortable being with right at the very start) was noticed surfing child porn. in the common room. When i asked if anyone had done anything about it, colleagues just shrugged and mentioned the site was now blocked on the shared computer. I mean.. my god! No one had given him even a verbal warning.

This is a man, who has no fixed address, and goes often to thailand and vietnam for business trips! Do you have any idea how prevailent child sex is there? Imagine if you will for a moment. He comes in every 3 mths to to the unit for easy money. He goes off for trips after. Repeat. We're indirectly supplying him with the means to fuck little children! Can't do anything about it now because i have no proof, and no one seems comfortable about even talking anything about it, and he's not at the unit now. I urge you..please please.. if ever a similar situation is in your control, do something about it! one voice, no matter how small, and how insignificant it is, might help destroy the fallacy that harmful social deviance in public goes completely unpunished..

Listening to: Mr super market produce putter-outer
Bud Light Presents Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius)

I'm sure it's not just me. With some people, very few, i get tongue tied, feel like everything i do is insufficient. I swear this foolish grin comes on, and i feel like a dumb block of grunts *grunt snort grunt* , while the other is lightness and wisdom personified. Not quite sure why this happens, and i can't remember when the last time this was but tis happening again at work. I guess the good thing is that i do respect this woman, which is a rarity in itself. How on earth can you know you did a good day's work and yet go home feeling crappy? The power of a person's good natured rib.

Was stepping out of the lift, and who did i walk into but Mr smiley painter man who watched me walk up to my house door sheepishly. Not only does he know what i look like topside now, but he's got to see me in the flesh (theoretically a bit less of the flesh, more of the clothes) trying to sidle past his bloody huge scaffold blocking the bloody lift door. So i bloody had to squeeze past while he bloody wished me a very bloody good morning. I'm sticking to the air con and closed windows from now on.

Caught up with a peer the other night, and found out that she's marrying a pastor. Astonishment. How did she know he was the one, i asked? She smiled, and made me promise not to laugh. Being afraid of a man leaving her for another woman, she prayed. I huddled closer, waiting for what she wanted the man to tell her. What term of affection, what bit of his heart would he proffer to show his ardor?

The statement, when it came, made me laugh. He had asked her to die before him, because he didn't want her to ever be alone. Aww shucks.

I can only hope that the day i fall, is the day my own prayer is answered. I'm drawing closer to the religion i lost so long ago. Not the obligation of tradition or guilt that came in early adulthood, but out of a real want to relive what was so special to me when i was young. I might not want to be a nun anymore, i don't think they look upon loving thy self that literally, but..well..we'll see.

Lyrics:
Today we salute you Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer (Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer)You have perhaps the greatest job known to man, squeezing giant melons all day long
(Love those squishy melons)
When women come in looking for squash, you say,
"Perhaps I can interest you in my giant zucchini (That ain't no zucchini)
Day in and day out, women step on your grapes, and you don't even flinch(Ooooooh!)
Is that a banana in your pocket?
No, it's a Plantain(Muy, muy grande)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light
O' King of the Cumquats,
because if one guy has to fondle our plums, we're glad it's you
(Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer)

Listening to: wake me up when september's over
green day

It's been yonks. I know i'll come back to write, but seriously.. The inclination to look at what i've written, going to write or even look at what some people are writing is way way overdue.. Besides- a marginal addiction to world of warcraft, (its got nothing on diablo), the free lancing and trying to get some sleep takes up my time comfortably.

It's been getting hard for me to both sleep and stay asleep again. Last night was so damn hot i decided to get rid of my top in a restless fit and let the cool air from the fan reach me uninterrupted . When i woke, i realised that my windows were closed. Strange. They were still open when i decided to fall asleep. I woke up and squinted groggily at windows, and then it hit me. The painters had closed it for me, they were just outside my window, talking in animated tones.

God no.

When was the last time you flashed someone? Thank god i was still wearing my shorts.

On a side note,small wonder the painters always appear so happy. Talk about job perks.

Litany

Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait - for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you had thought 'twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by and by.
He keeps the key.

Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no longer lingerer He,
And of the door of all your future life
He keeps the key.


Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know if EVERY door
He keeps the key
That He at last, when he just HE sees best,
Will give it thee.
- Anonymous

Sometimes He's a real joker, huh? Just wish my sense of humour cld keep up.

post shopping traumatic disorder

Back from K.L.

Yeah, im traumatised. There was nothing to buy. They have huge malls that are filled to the max, pretty cineplexes that are nicer then our's but they remain intrinsically.. malaysian. No offense to those reading who hail from that beautiful country, but this is after all my blog, which means the sentiments belong to..Moi. After this, im more sympathethic to the fact that people stereotype malaysian's dressing. How can they be blamed when it's the fashion buyers who should be shot?

I never realised there were so many a.j's there. Everywhere i turned, there were couples. All the trannies were malay, and the ones i cld recognise (the bottoms) were pretty much chinese. Strange, no? Guess they've evolved into a more tolerant society than ours. Must be because they generally have more to put up with.

The taxi service remained dubious, with those who had meters rare, and the ones who were scammers, plentiful. They were upfront about it as well, saying that singaporeans were stingy, and we shld give them a lil coffee money. I agree about the stingy part. It's true i know, that singaporeans generally are known as shite tourists but no one earns my coffee money unless im willing. And unless they're deserving.

Caught a movie there, the 'plex had 18 screens, and frankly, i think that one was better than ours. The seating was slightly different, ascribing to the method of markedly raised tiers, as opposed to ours. There were multiple snack counters, multiple loo's scattered around so handle the after movie crowd. The only thing that marred my experience was an old lady who exclaimed in cantonese at every.single.fucking.action sequence. When a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g happened, she wld exclaim in fucking cantonese. Yes. I was pissed. And i didn't know how to tell her to shut her trap up in cantonese, so i had to setttle for the annoying method of turning around with my finger on my lip. Spastic as hell, but at least it worked.

Sounds like my trip was a complete waste of my time, but it really wasn't. The entitlement of being a bitch today is mine, but i acknowledge that i enjoyed myself. The eating was delicious. Perhaps it was the dirt. Certainly i got better and it didn't feel like i was trying to hack my lungs out anymore. Well well.

breakin'

Seen the original "singing in the rain'?


gene kelly


Gotta love this :)

Indolence.

Listening to: blue orchid
white strips

My nights merge into days, and my days become nights. Books litter the floor of my room, and my phone bill, like the other expenses, have gone up this mth. Umemployment both suits, and doesn't. Leisure to go out, time to stay out late, the license to spend time doing..nothing. Rolling in bed, planning the iteinery for the day. Sloth. Isn't that what they call it? *smiles lazily* Plan an impromptu trip, stay up till whenever, and sleep in till you're woozy from sleep.

It's hard to get started again once inertia sets in. Tomorrow, i'll be good.

Question.

listening to: i believe in love
the darkness

Question.

If you had found an incredible friendship, is it selfish to want it to remain as such, never letting it progress beyond that?

Because i'm convinced that marriage would screw it up, like it clusterfucks up so many other things.

Skyflowers

Listening to: stellar
incubus

Standing on the shears bridge, the rows of people all along as far as the bridge allowed, I breathed in the sea breeze and smiled. Finally I get to see the fireworks. Amazing. I had worked all the way from the carpark just after mac's at the ecp; carried along by the buoyancy of the mood, and the disappointment of the night before- Stuck on the ecp's midnight jam, hearing the whistles and explosions of the fireworks but never able to see the real thing; courtesy of trees and that damned double decker bus which seemed glued to the side of the car. I had been so upset i was dejected. Until the prata house, that is.

mushrooms that make you go whoa

When the lights finally appeared, all at the same time, I couldn't remember when last something had enchanted me so very thoroughly.. They shot up from marina, the padang, and somewhere at the very edge of the east coast beach. I turned to smile, and received his sweeter surprise. After a moment, we pulled away, the better to witness the tangible fireworks that were still blooming in the night sky..

Fleur du ciel

Magick.

Proclamations

Listening to: you're beautiful
james blunt

I was, and am thinking of having a seperate area for posts which deal with religion, spirituality, all the things that make a jesus freak :) For today however, my posts remain on one. If you don't want to read, then don't!

Festival of praise ran from Fri to Sun last weekend. I've never wanted to, or felt the inclination to go, even though the idea of all the denominations celebrating together was beautiful to me. This year i felt a strange urge to want to be there, and there i was last night:)

Lion was late in picking me up, and it was already 17.30hrs but somebody, please tell me why i knew we were going to get seats *grins* Aggie didn't come, neither did mkor, so it was just us. Once in the car i realised that i wasn't wearing any contacts . Die lah. Crowds have been queuing up since noon, i'd surely be sitting right behind. Just an itty bitty speck 100 rows from the stage. What wld i do, if i wasn't able to see anything on the stage? Frick.

We reached the indoor stadium at about 1745-1800, and made a cut thru Tanjong Rhu to the North entrance. Word was that that queue was a tad bit shorter than the others, so we joined the throngs where i had a good laugh at some of the people's conversations since we were in such close proximity. How do you tell someone where you are by saying " it's the building with the gap"? So incredibly descriptive. Turns out she meant a gap in the crowds. We finally hit the blessed cool of the interior about an hour later. Lion shook his head, and said i shld have been more aggressive in keeping up with him. I cldn't. The thought of pressing against sweaty people, girls with unwashed hair, being pressed upon on all sides.. If people want to get stampeded upon, that's their problem. Peasants. Muhar!

We were pass the gate checks, looking for seats. Frantic ushers telling us to hurry, hurry, ushers telling us to move to the seating at the back of the stage.. I stood there a little, not wanting to be relegated to seeing the back of people's heads the entire evening. I slipped pass the harrassed usher once his back was turned, grabbing lion and pulling him along after me. Amazing isn't it, then we finally were found seats after a few minutes of hunting. Or were found seats by an usher, who had made some people give up reserved ones.

We got front row seats.

The gig started off on time. I won't talk much about the bands Delirious and Hillsong, which lived up to expectations, or that half way thru the crowds thronged the pre-stage area, and i was forced to stand on my chair to see anything, pygmy that i am. I won't talk about the many instances when the loudness of the beat, and the nearness of the His presence made my heart catch, and my lids heavy with feeling. I won't elaborate on how apt the 'sermon' was for me that night either.

It was like the whole evening had been tailor made to make me leave the stadium much more fulfilled that i had in a long, long time. And for that, i offer thanks.

Ennui

Guess what? I'm not working tomorrow, and probably will have the next week off as well. Gosh. As always, with excess time, i stoop to the mundane, and the useless. Attend. *brandishes pointer*






You have moderate sub tendencies. You enjoy being
told what to do, though the domme in you kicks
and screams at times. You can be a brat,
deliberately provoking a dominant. You need to
be reminded of your place at times, bitch.

Fact or fiction? Startlingly accurate.

Are you Dominant or Submissive?
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You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.

Phlusse.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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obsessive compulsive

Lily wld have been thrilled if i had these qualities in abundance. I left before it became a full fledged..what else? Compulsion.

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and
innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only
love in your sweet kisses.

We'll leave the analysis to those who know what they're talking about, shall we?

What kind of kiss are you?
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Lies, all of it!!

What does love mean to you?
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~ I originally wanted to write about a something a little closer to heart, but for now, must mush up the stairs to my bed. Night night, world :) ~

One last look..

Last glimpses..

Daily routines- never boring, always traumatising.

Sweet effort.

I have no idea why he's grimacing. No bits of mine were astray.

A view from a window. Mine.

Thanks for the memories.

Leave taking.

My memories will always be with me, wherever i go.

Having snuck off early on thursday, k picked me up, and we went to collect the flowers and balloons that i had ordered. Coming back to an empty office, i got to work. i wanted calla lillies, but didn't have enough time to wait. I settled on gerbera's, their lively, solid colours matching the stationery i was using.. It was only later i realised that they symbolise love of absent friends. Sigh. And so it began. Letters and gerberas left on keyboards. The gerbera's were not packaged elaborately, with only a single ribbon round their stems.. As i worked, i looked at secret bear, the care bear that sher had left with me for my last night. It's strange so much done can be squeezed into only a few paragraphs, but for now im wrung out, tired and aching in every way to write much, or want to elaborate more. As i wrote in the cards, every now and then i would look out, trying to memorise the view. The sun set which has always hypnotized. At the myna's and occasional crow, their whirling, perfect synchronised flight. Earlier in the day, adel had pressed a package into my hands, petting my hair and shoulders, yet again making it difficult for me. I hate goodbyes. So much to say, so little inclination to write about them now.

Friday loomed early and cheery After a torturous car rally, dinner at steve's house with the beautiful grounds and sonmewhat damp drinks at tango, i was ready for home. My cheeks were numb with all the smiling at the cameras, and i was almost exhausted form the day, but bed just didnt want to beckon. I hit my bed at about 5 that morning, but i didn't mind, because some nights just aren't meant to be spent alone.

It still hasnt ended. Coming home today, i checked my mail to find mail from colleagues that only made me run to get the nearest tissue/toilet roll.

Dammit.

"Don't want to leave, but we both know sometimes it's better to go. Somehow I know we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when you're in my heart, so until then, smile, don't want to cry saying goodbye." -The Muppets

Dawning.

Listening to: office pitter patter and paper shuffles

Stabbed my subjects arm. Waited for him to stop bleeding from the pricks. Wicked at it while he looked on in fascination. I looked at him and smiled while letting him examine the blood sodden filter. He gave me a toothy grin, he of the nice voice and veiny arms, and remarked that i had to encourage his arm.

Inflictor of pain : "What?"
Inflictee: "You've got to encourage him, ask him to stop bleeding.."
I.o.P:" Him? Don't you mean..it?"
While concentrating on his arm, i hear this through my haze of concentration.
Inflictee: " Yar. The prick. You've got to encourage him"

I miss the times when i was young enough to enjoy conversation without an uncrossable long kang (read: gutter) in my brain.

After i leave, the office will also be slightly more goof proof, not just a small mercy when in an environment with a great deal of sharps and biohazards. It's no secret that i belong to a special group of the handicapped, known as the terminally klutzy. I havn't fallen flat on my face for quite some time now, so the universe must be saving the moment for a more embarrassing one when it can savour it. It deviousness can be observed when you see how it has gifted me with intermittent gracefullness, all the better for marked contrast.

Lookee this - the colour of pain.
See the girl in the left? Yeah. That, my friend, is something i can probably relate to very intimately, given enough time.

Besides finding like minded people who share my penchant for the awkwardly painful, i've also plumbed the depths of employee uselessness. Having days when one simply can't do anything work related, it was to my sweet, sweet delight that i discovered i had colleagues who were capable of being just as innane, or worse. No images will be displayed to protect the names of the guilty. The fact that i looked halloween ready in them, is of course, of no consequence. But honestly.. we could have done this and i bet no one would have batted an eye. I could also bet that they would join in. Well..Some of them anyway.

Of course all wasn't fun and play. Long long hours when deadlines were near, much eye rollin and furi0us frantic whispering in the halls of the facility were more than common.. but i guess every ending is always bitter sweet..

Sigh.

heavyheartedness

listening to: every day you've been away
Bebel gilberto

I saw a disturbance making its way through the throngs. Patiently, knowing it must make its way past me, i stilled my companion and schooled myself to alertness. Holding my yet unpaid item to my chest, i first saw a little old lady, hair all mussed up, with an apologetic smile limping her way to the queue behind me.

First came the mutters of a man, then the man himself. Shorter than i am, with the meaningless smile of the intellectually disabled, he was scratching all over with insatiable fingers. Intelligible mutters and little twitches, that emaciatedness of frame.. Suddenly a great heavyness overcame me. This old lady, way past the age when she should be caring for a child, lines of her sacrifices etched so deeply all over.. why should she be apologetic about bringing her son, now a little past middle aged, into the public? I felt a great urge to shake the auntie in front of me, she with the horrible sneer and look of disgust as she looked at the pair. What gave her the right to think she was better than the old lady who probably had to look at the most basic needs of her child?

All around people were staring, staring. Didn't they realise that the man was a person and not an oddity to be gaped at? Don't parents teach their children manners these days? I am not asking for no looks at all, but for gods sake, not stares that make a man and his mother a freakshow.

Most of all, what pains is me is that the old lady had to not only get used to unkind stares, but also feel that she had to feel bad in any way at all. That apologetic smile, that dipped head, that gnarled figure..

I think on this, and yes, im greatful for everything that has been gifted me, no matter how small a blessing it is. My burdens are considered a "norm", my appearance nothing to be freaked out about. Relatively anyway.

If there was one thing i could ask of the people who read this, it is to emphatise with those who are less earthly fortunate. So maybe the person is a con artist. Will a dollar or 5 hurt you? Will it mean as much to you as to the lady selling those overpriced tissues? Will a smile at a person who is obviously poorer kill you?

It means nothing to feel a little more human once in a while.

Intrepidity

Listening to: Feels just like it should
Jamiroquai


I'm not elated at the news. The second interview with the opthalmologist is on monday, provided i can make it.

Last wednesday, i stepped onto the 4th level of the centre. Everyone was coiffed and heeled. Glancing through the forms i had to fill out, i grimaced when i realised that i would have to fill up the equivalent of my entire bloody resume. ~Fuck me~ Let them try reading my handwriting. That'll have them reverting to my c.v.

I've never dreaded interviews. Nervousness is a problem that disintegrates when i've started talking.

I greeted my iinterviewer by name, having had the receptionist think i was genuinely interested in her day.She had leaked the number of applicants so far, the name of my interviewer, and how long they had been looking. Karen, the HR manager, was youngish, snappy and suffered no fools. Her questions came fast and i could feel her weighing every reply. At the end of the interview- she told me that i might not have the job satisfaction i craved since the interaction with the patients were far and few inbetween. The blunt woman also mentioned that she had already seen someone that day whom she had her eye on.

I feel like.. i've been tossed a candy bar as a consolation prize.

A year ago i would have inclined my head and left it as that. This time after a bit, Karen gave me a wry grin. The second interview was mine.

I laugh as i remember what i told her. She must think me an impertinent chit. I had zero temper when i first started in the hospitals. I had more tolerance when i first started at the facility. I wonder what kind of person i'll be at 30?

Dichotomy

It's striking me more and more. The duplicity of the human nature.

From reinforcement as a child, and observations when an adolescent, your behaviour is moulded; as mine is. Realizing that race can sometimes be a double edged sword, the face of the byproduct that is myself is demure, polite and apparently respectful ( to a certain degree ) . Hardly the wild child an eurasian girl might be stereotyped to be. Older now, i'm less conscious of what people think, and what the herd thinks of me is anyone's guess.

People are fooled by fascades of civility and charm all the time, and i am no exception. Often it seems to me that the people most harmless are the ones who might, at first glance, seem terribly abrasive and tactless. When these speak- people roll their eyes, give knowing smiles and seem to take it all in their stride. After all, we already know what they're like.

But what about the ones who always appear level headed and unprejudiced? Those who flinch at brash displays, moderate their own behaviour and temper their speech to genial civility? They seem to be as moral as they come but.. when things happen, we're shocked and dismayed at the displays sometimes put up for no one's benefit.

Is undesirable behaviour more shocking in someone 'quieter' because of the inevitable comparison that follows? We shake our heads, thinking they were the last people we'd think who indulge in such activity. Or do people who are generally outwardly rude/disgusting have more opportunity to air their grievances?

What's your tolerence level for being disgusted?
*warning- pics aren't of the eye candy variety*

Faith.

I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is.. there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try.

Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Then again, i'll write when i've actually fallen :) That's would be a first.