G.marks.the.spot

2009-12-20T07:08:00.002+08:00

Listening to: River flows in you
Yiruma

Man, woman. Hard, soft. Pain, pleasure. Sometimes we demand the right to be able to choose, and yet at other times, bemoan choices which have been made for us.

Love or friendship, money or quality of life, condoned routes or the path less taken. Sometimes, i cannot decide if i am taking myself for a walk to the last destination i would want to reach.

Excitement- I has it!

2009-12-19T07:35:00.003+08:00

!!!

I'm in love! Yes, it's official! The exclamation marks prove my excitement over falling totally and utterly head over heels!!

The skies are bluer than ever and as i walk down the tiled walkways, a cool breeze ruffles my hair as i fantasize and mull over my love's perfectness.

The Bird Cage Faye from Lulu Guiness. Press her base tenderly and you'll hear her voice; audio birdsong plays out.

Faye, faye, you have undone me..

2009-08-20T03:13:00.003+08:00

Just decided to pop in to see what i wrote all these months back.

Its strange that each time i come back after an absence, im genuinely surprised to see what has been written. Fine, i think my own posts can be lovely in their ways, much like how a parent will never recognise an ugly baby to be just that, ahah ha.

And then its sad that my own writings still seem to resonate so strongly within me. They remind me of how stagnant i am, and if i will remain this way forever. Sometimes the fact that heaven is, is a balm to me. If nothing soothes me, perhaps finally something might in the end, after all.

A friend of mine decided to say goodbye world in Swissotel, in february, and i never knew.. How ignorant we can be of people's private hell's. How sad that intelligence can do nothing to rationalise the soul and tide us over for that that little bit longer. Or does it just make it worse?
Someone else recently passed in tioman, and the only thought i had was that of her already shitty and unlucky life had to end in a shitty and unlucky way.

Wow, go me for churning out optimism *grins*

for no one in particular.

2009-02-20T21:10:00.004+08:00

Listening to: this woman's work
Maxwell.

I want.
I want love in its most cliched form

I want tenderness, and that look in your eyes; as wind whips around and a lock of hair is gently brushed.
a parting of lips.
a warmth that takes my breath.
a softness that inflames.

I want aching.
an intenseness.
a passion that loses us in it's midst.

I want satiety.
a fullness that comes with laughter at the end of the day
a contentedness that comes as we wake in morning light
and comfort that allows us to just be.

I want an understanding.
That you're mine
and i'm yours.
Not because we have to,
or because there isn't anyone else;
But because you recognise in me love
and i in you my life.

I want.

2008-11-04T05:18:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Aqualung

So if the world is made of omens, and directions and a god, i'll follow; I've followed, and taken notes and..asked.

Then what you ask for is given, and you laugh and smile to yourself, never imagining it would come true. And when you have it.. Huh. What is it about humans that make us wander, and look for the best that life has to offer. Who are we to judge what is the best we should have? That what is gifted to us, is not as precious as its gift wrapped lustre?

What is it that makes us continually look back; what is it that makes us crave, and wonder about what we could have had?

How bereft do we have to be, to truly want what we have?

2008-08-21T03:29:00.002+08:00

when was the last time you lost yourself in anothers eyes and seen the same unfold for you?
I swear ive never seen anything as pretty. no, not quite as pretty as you.

You know that experience.
a taste thats so new to you,
and so very exotic
you cant believe you ever passed it by
not when it sends you shocks of shivers everytime you glimpse it, taste it.
The promise never ends
i would lick e.v.e.r.y scrap of your dredges
as i would let you bleed me
your delight, my satiety.

but baby..
it's not enough.
no, not quite enough.

its sad when you have ended things, because you wanted the real deal,
because you thought you deserved better
but its sadder when you know you have it in the palms of clasped hands
and you know you deserve better so you end things.

you float me, baby.

2008-04-08T04:10:00.004+08:00

listening to: pure heart of a dancer o.s.t

Why do my posts always resound around the same theme?

Rationally, i offer the explanation of not wanting to mush around the tiresome sludge that is emotion to the ones around me. That it's not worth to talk about, for the simple reason that there are more.. conversation friendly topics that don't expose, lay bare, or simply make one look like a pathethic woman that women are supposed to be. You know.. where men laugh and say women are good for nothing but talks around the household, apron strings, fluffy visons of feminity. Unfortunately for me, i am that girl in one respect, and i know it full well. We all hide what we think of weaknessess, humans to the very last cell.

Love is my religion - I could die for it. ~John Keats

2008-03-28T03:18:00.004+08:00

Listening to: 2046 o.s.t

It must have looked like i was supremely stoned.

Perched on edge of chair with legs crossed and shoe dangling, my neck against the rest; fingertip on fingertips, tucked into the space between chair and back. The pen still lies under hand, but all thought of work is gone as i gaze up at the dimmed lights in office. Of late i favour tracks with superbly strong melodic arrangements; rich and stimulating to which my thoughts drift after. Food for my silent ruminations. The only analogy that comes is of strong, warm hands and pressure on just the right spot. Closing of eyes and appreciation comes..instinctively, unhesitatingly,unabashedly.

Glen ong seriously makes me want to claw the stirrups out of my ears.

2008-03-25T00:58:00.007+08:00

Listening to: Symphony
sarah brightman

"He said you guys were dating or a while".

Really? He actually said that? I want to laugh and wonder idly if i do it hard enough, whether i can blow bubbles in my soup. Laugh not at him, but at the fact that i am so incredibly stupid!

Instead i put on my clueless persona, make mock sounds of surprises. It comes out that he had told her this when we first met, and i am so taken aback i can't help doing a quick slack jaw. Thank god for things to shove into your mouth when trying hard to hide your confusion.

How do you know when a date is a date, not an exercise in platonic companionship? I honestly am perplexed. What seems like a come on from one, is just an oft used gesture to another. At times like this, I wish i was like some of my girls. Flirtation personified. They know when to laugh, when to lean, when to touch, when to take up a tease. And they know how to say goodbye the right way. Me? I just run off. What you do affects me, you'd better believe it, but then again it might be the effect of an overactive imagination, no? I take everything just as a friend would, take everyone as just that, a friend. Even less because i know which direction my flirts take me. I am a useless female, wot!

It's so surreal walking in the museum in the middle of the night. The Asian Civilisation Museum was having one of its all nighters, and it was lovely to walk without the hoardes. In some rooms, we were the only people, and we had all the time in the world to explore. The lighting flitted around the exhibits and the music seemed louder because of the lack of conversation, making the whole setting more of a dreamscape. The group split up, and i must have ended up a little lost looking because one of the security guards started asking me what i wanted. It must have been my lucky lucky day, because it was his first day (duh) and he couldn't help me anyways. Thanks for asking but.. no thanks.

I take a minute's walk to the river. Facing the fullerton and soaking in the views of the lit up bridge, the loveliness of the night, and the lack of people. I've never been here at this time of the night while being perfectly sober. Hearing muffled laughs, i spin round to realise there is still a couple, furiously necking away in the furthest seat. Looks like i'm not the only one who had a good time. Smiling, i turn to catch my ride.

2008-03-22T05:15:00.005+08:00

Listening to: A borrowed ladder
gattaca o.s.t

Startlement, when i realise that no, i don't want that much more really.

People around me seem to be the catalyst for my recent dawnings, and like a conduit i cannot resist being drawn closer, drawn in. Initial sparks are easy to come by. It is the prolongment, the staying power that i wish i could find within me. It is the taming of lust, the temperence of gratification,the wisdom of differentiation and the search for validation of my decision not to settle.

When i say, or think to myself out aloud that time is running out, it isn't the settling bit i am worried about; the black and white of categorisation that i usually abstain from seems to suddenly be the reason behind my fresh bouts of restlessness. Compulsion not from a norm, but a self imposed morality of whether its right or wrong, if i shld just follow the immoderate urgings of my emotions.

Not wanting to find myself at home just yet, i sit by the stone seats at the canal. The inlet comes straight from sungei api api, from the salty, calming sea. With the tides come the wind and it lifts my hair off my shoulder. What i would do for a touch that light that sends both shivers and comfort. i close my eyes and feel slightly beatific for a second.

I thought i was lost, but it was only because i didn't know what it was that i was searching for.

2008-03-21T03:48:00.004+08:00

I know, i've already been crucified for my self indulgence.

I feel like i've desecrated this little spot which i first staked as all mine, with censorship. Ultimately, I write for myself; not for anything, or anyone else. It will never be a place that i will care to put much of a face to, not unlike the many other things that i do.

I AM: overtly simple.
I WANT: to be content.
I WISH: i had enough courage.
I HATE: spitefullness.
I MISS: spicy kfc drumlets.
I FEAR: not living fully.
I HEAR: more than I let on.
I WONDER: whats in store for me.
I REGRET: nothing. Except not taking up your offers.
I AM NOT: a writer.
I DANCE: with closed eyes.
I SING: when i think no one will hear.
I CRY: and get over it.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: feeling what i show.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: gestures to soothe.
I WRITE: not to be read.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I NEED: better sleep.
I SHOULD: be nicer to you.
I START: with the best intentions.
I FINISH: later.
I LOVE: being carried.
I REMEMBER: you.

2008-03-21T02:52:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Black milk
massive attack

My diaphanous understanding of emotions, how they work and the romanticist in me, have been given the go ahead to co-exist with the pragmatist in me tonight.. I will always want what i want. You reminded me.

It amuses me, when people drone on about building walls, like it is so easy to truss up your humaness, like a leaden marionette with a statement of 'i've been there, no more'. Do you honestly think you can blindly ignore what surges through you at the least expected moment? That even though you say you don't want the pain, at the back of your little broken heart it waits with bloody breath for the moment you can at last slumber in the arms of someone you call beloved? I understand, and i'm sorry you feel this way.

You've told me. You want to be heard. I'm not the only exhibitionist, and your need for wanting to be engaged, heard, is so tumescent that it feels like it is going to explode all over my face as i scrutinise you. You want to be engaged, and you, you poor fool, pain can never be brushed off, only slightly muffled by your ego defences and psychological frou frou.

Your heart is sanctitiously yours no matter what it feels like at times. Unfortunately, dear one, that means you get to drink in all of its glorious wine, alternatingly cloying and vile.

2008-03-20T04:14:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Princess superstar
perfect exceeder

Some women lose weight from their faces. Others from their arms, tummies, ect. Working out has garnered me nothing except continually shrinking boobies. I feel a little betrayed by my body (as fat but flatter is never anyone's goal) but at least im getting some use out of my shoelocker.

Against my better judgement, i decided to wear a never worn,pretty pucci like dress (the kind that stays up by magick!), and something a little warmer over since its been almost literally freezing.

After stepping out, i noticed that the fit of the elastic was a little looser, and surreptitious adjustments were needed from time to time to make me feel that much more secure. Since it was dark out and i was late as usual, against my better judgement i decided not to go back and do a change although the thought of a nipplegate mishap did flash unfortunately quickly pass. Halfway through dinner after much laughing, dessert and after dinner drinks, i noticed that i was a leetle colder. A rush of sudden chest awareness had me realising that my left girl was as bare as..she has ever been in a cosy group that didn't involve water sports. And i had been so engaged in my friends that i had no idea what had happened, so i couldn't even gauge how long she had been left out in the cold!

I am so thankful for the weather. And for long hair.

Garh.

2008-03-14T01:59:00.002+08:00

listening to: when all is said and done
tommy walker

The mysteries of life. Didn't go to the gym for 3 weeks, and was finally dragged down by some persuasive fitness freak. The bizarre thing is that.. my muscle mass and basal metabolic rate went up! If crap food, sitting for extended periods and not enough rest consistently give me results like this, im a believer. Holy shit. And the best part is my fat percentage went down by 3%. Amazing. I'm actually excited about something. Another unusual thing :)

Nights at work have been even more brain numbing. Managed to escape for a few hours to kim seng road yesterday, used my subject's bath and look fresh (relatively) for dosing at 7am. Not the most glorious feeling, but breaktime is breaktime *grin* I am reminded of what breasts feel like against my back, reminded that i am ragingly ravenous of late, but it is not what i am looking for.

I don't get it. Either i've looking extra friendly or i've been giving off the wrong vibes. Either way it can't be all good. I've been asked to surf, which sounds brillo, and to Hong Kong. to shop and disneyland. So you see, i can't win. I either look unapproachable when i don't smile, or easy when i laugh with you? No prizes for guessing if i'll go. I want a holiday though. Big sigh.

My 2 angels are flying away. Taiwan has gone, and dubai is impending.

New job pending. Travel 30% of the time.

Bought myself a lil more education, so i'll have less mo-nay and time. i don't exactly crave them right now.

Too many changes, too little constant.

2008-03-09T04:05:00.004+08:00

Listening to: If i fell
The Beatles

Have you ever wished you could relinquish the upbringing you'd always held dear?

If one didn't know what was socially right and wrong, then we would not have the same expectations. If we didn't hold our conceived rights close to our hearts, then we would be more accepting. And it follows that if we are more accepting, we'd be easily happier with what we presently perceive as a slightly stunted way of life. No pun intended. *rolls eyes*

If we didn't know what was right or wrong, we'd follow what feels best; instead of rationalising, we'd just.. be. We wouldn't know second best, we couldn't care even if we did, because we'd be too busy giving a damn about the what we have.

It sounds so indecidedly unsingaporean, so contrary to what we've been taught and yearn for.

What do you crave for today?

How many of us are craving the exact same thing, at the exact same moment, the same quietly desperate moments that all people must face?

I know. I creep myself out sometimes :p~

2008-03-03T04:55:00.003+08:00

listening to: daughter
pearl jam

3 minutes to 0500. I've been tossing under, over, without my sheets for slightly less than 9000 seconds. I have a meeting in 3 hours. Frustrated, i get out of bed, fling my legs over the side. The floor is freezing, and i pull my sweater back on. Im too listless to wear anything on my feet, and they feel ice cold to me.

There is nothing that appeals to me right now to fill up the time. Havn't gamed for the longest time, don't feel like talking, the trilogy next my pillow seems like a pointless, childish, waste of time. I gave a dead line to give up smoking by june a few days back. I wonder if i need have bothered with the vow, because what i used to enjoy, feel pleasure with, and grin at the thought of a drinkees with like minded people who breathed in the same air as me, now gives no pull. The past few sticks have been ditched after a few drags. The smell of beer left too long makes my stomach loopy.

I rake my fingers through my hair , walk up to my room windows, look at the grills on the windows, into the multi story parking lot across. Bars across bars. Intrusions into my privacy, the building across. I used to feel so angry, that i had to keep my curtains closed all the time once it was up.

Now i wonder again, need i have bothered?

Even without these conceived barriers, inconveniences, freedom hamperers, i think we still do well enough to put invisible ones around ourselves.

There is only one thing i want to know right now, and that is when i'll be able to have the sweetest sleep again.

2008-02-26T17:53:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Karma Police
radiohead

I've never had a month with more highs and lows than this february.

Ecstacy and contentment, not always mutually exclusive. Goosebumps ( black knights=instant pant cream). Anticipation, and enthusiasm, all conspired to make me more foolishly open to everything than i have ever been. Granted, my routines of late have been less than healthy, but i was enjoying being free, relishing how i felt, which was- alive, and terribly happy and loved.

Feeling intensely alive demands you feel every single, fuckin little thing.

How could you do it? You asked me to trust you, and i did, i did, but you became a beast in that moment.

2008-02-19T13:32:00.003+08:00

listening to: at last
cyndi lauper

How many perfect days are allowed to go by consecutively? I'm stretching them out with absolute pleasure, savouring every minute, luxuriating in their unpredictability.

On a perfect day, you wake with a slow smile on your face, and with a certainty of being able to weather anything, and everything. Not everything might go absolutely right,but you're still good, because you know everything has its moment, and it is now.

On a perfect day, i ditch my usual drill, and contemplate instead on the opposite; what i can do for you

On a perfect day, i am filled with the realisation that i am suddenly, inexplicably different. What a difference one person can make :)

And the difference is you, lord.

2008-02-13T23:18:00.007+08:00

I seem to be doing tons of sobbing lately.

I've run out of tissues, and have added a new kind of pride to my already extensive list. The kind that makes you pretend like a boulder just got into your eye when someone looks at you incredulously and asks," Shite girl, are you crying again?" and then rolls their eyes.

First was when the alien died in CJ7, and the second when i watched Le Scaphandre et le papillon (the diving bell and the butterfly).

Let's concentrate on the second, the true story of Mr Jean-Dominique Bauby, editor of Elle, in paris. He suffered a massive haemorrahage, leaving him with a body felled by total paralysis except for eyes able to blink. (Later they sewed up one eye due to a malfunctioning of his tear ducts.) The remarkable bit is that he was totally, and horribly alert. This is termed all too aptly: Locked-in-Syndrome.

So this chappie starts dictating; tediously blinking through the entire alphabet to construct words, sentences, chapters, and finally a bestseller. He lays bare his horror, humour, emotions and regrets alternatingly living and not living life to the full.

Perhaps the scenes are more raw for me because i've had patients who've had a total stroke out before and who were unable to move and speak. They might not have had full mental capacity, but to be constrained to a life on a bed and to the terrible monotony of..just lying is hell on earth even to consider. You can never again taste the pleasure of food or indulge a craving, someone wierd cleans you everyday and you have no choice if you don't feel clean enough. No one can scratch that infernal itch for you, or change the channel of a static tv that droans endlessly. Worse i feel, is the silence and supernatural length of the night when so many of them lie awake because of the hours spent sleeping during the day.

During the night, no one else is around. Fear sets in- So many things can happen. Choking on your own saliva, a pain that gets worse and worse and you can neither shift, nor call out; these could be surpassed by your own demons made incarnate, or nightmares that you can never verbalise or be comforted from.

For a while Jean-do appeared to be recovering well, regaining use of his neck muscles and managing to grunt songs, but only days after the publishing of his book, he passed.

The direction of the film, cast and landscapes of france make it impossible for me not to fall in love with the bitter story.

The gleamings of what i have been reminded of from this should be obvious, but oh, how foolish i feel fretting about the small things and people in my life. And how dead to life i have been.. If i have to go through the same thing as jean-do did, i'd be horrified more by what a waste of oxygen and carbon i was. If it happened to you today, what would you regret?

2008-02-11T12:35:00.001+08:00

Listening to: Shy
Sonara antartica

Random thoughts. People can be surprisingly beautiful.

The security guard who takes solace in the lateness of the hour- playing a chopin. He stops when he sees us, but he doesn't know we marvel.

The sleazy scholar with his hard earned, oft flashed material comforts. Brash and coarse at first he seemed to me, but he takes time out to cook his soup for his sick mother, and his attentiveness is.. *laughs* surprising.

The unexpected card from a friend. Sniff.

The look in my mom's eyes when i told her i wasn't coming back for dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so pooped. Today is just goanna be errands, and movie with bets. *yawns* No longer thinking about ze supposed lup of mine life, think i've gotten to know him a little too well. I thought i knew the difference between infatuation and lurvve. Apparently it takes time to tell :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2008-02-07T23:38:00.000+08:00

Like from a different realm
light itself you seem
illuminating for worlds around.

Symphony of words
Crescendo of desires
You play me, maestro
bringing forth in tones
songs my heart never knew.

Sparks of you
set my soul aglow
a jolt to my senses
a star to my sky
and a new scar to bare.

2008-02-06T04:39:00.001+08:00

Listening to: Anybody's fool
Dylan

Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we only say that to console ourselves?

When i was in the lower primary i wanted to be a missionary. I'd take a chair, climb up and get my parents tapes and books on religion. I did a saliva pact ( i was too afraid to bleed myself at that age ;p) and told god that i didn't want to get married or have children so i could become a missionary. What use was it, when all i wanted to do was be a nun? Of course once i entered a co-ed school that changed somewhat. So strange, because i don't really feel the inclination for kids still.

Again, i was in primary..one or two; pissed off this girl, Ing Ing, who was tiny, had a really big head and had 2 thumbs on her left hand. During p.ed, i stepped on a snail and killed it, complete with the sounds and sensation of shell crushing and mushy wetness; As i starred in horror, rubbing off my white bata shoes on the soggy grass, she came up and started wagging her finger at me.

"Orrrh", she mouthed. "Now you're cursed to be short forever". Now you can hardly see me unless you happen to be watching where you walk.

And sometime in adolescence, i had my future told, and was told i would only marry someone i didn't love. Hmmmmm.

What about my dreams, everyday ones that are so lucid, that i wake and find myself perplexed, or the ones that leave me startled awake with a running pulse? Do those come true as well?

On a lighter note, my colleague offered to give me a massage when i complained of sore legs from those bloody lunges ( no, he's not a sleazy bastard, just sounds that way alot). And my subject asked if i was 22. Hahahahaaa!

Perhaps i'm not the biggest fool around, eh? Then again..

2008-02-04T06:37:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Toothpaste Kisses
The Maccabees

Stole some picies and a vid from Vampies blog, she's got some footage of our Yu Sheng! My sister, the consistently trigger happy one.

Family gatherings aren't the thing i look forward to the most, but sat nite's one was pretty amusing as dinners go.

Anyone else getting the urge for iced kachang?

I love how the waitress does the auspicius sayings as she prepares the dish with the assorted ingredients.. Can't understand much of what she says but everyone else has the same blankly anticipatory look ( i know, i love the crispy bits too) and the only help i get with the translations are the usual, "Year year got fish" kind. Aha.ha.

Here's a breakdown of what the ingredients each mean (Again, stolen from vampies) :

Raw fish - which represented abundance
Peanuts - for eternal youth
Peanut crumbs - for a household lined in gold and silver
Plum sauce - for a sweet life ahead
Crackers - usually puffed crackers aka Golden Pillows for wealth
Lemons or Limes - for a fruitful year ahead
And oil - for glistening wealth

Aww. The older i get, i better i enjoy my traditions. Perhaps i'm afraid one day they'll slip away and i'll have no one to ask what they mean anymore..

Chopsticks to it!

Don't you just love tossing a salad? ;D

Grinnin' like a loon with the latest Hogan, courtesy of the Bro.

Rare glimspses,my specialty *grins*

2008-01-31T23:45:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Twisted Transistor
Korn

I am an irritable, passive aggressive, junk eating, eye rolling, ugly little thing.

God forbid, but i'm even rascist today.

My blog alignment seems to be whack today even though i havn't touched it for a bit and it was fine when i last peeked in.

I'm turned off. Majorly. I was asked to bandaid a finger. Because of a paper cut. If he was being manja i could have handled it, but it had nothing to do with it. And he isn't a subject. And it isn't cute. God i need an evoluted caveman!

Mainly because faggots sometimes are just, and exactly that. Faggots.

Because sometimes people expect others to conveniently lead when they can't, and do take the lead, when they can't!

Becauase i'm such a dipshit i can't say no.

Because my comfort drink isn't working.

Because i'm tired and sore,

And because i hate sleeping alone.

Maybe what they whisper about a woman who is in a bad mood speaks truth somedays.

Garh.

2008-01-28T11:47:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Humming
Portishead

Did anyone else have to stifle shudders when reading about the possibility, no scrap that, the introduction of a new life form?

The plan is to slip the synthetic chromosome inside the microscopic skin of one of the Mycoplasma bacterium, replacing its natural genome with the machine-made one and sparking the creature into a life form that can reproduce itself.

It already has a unofficial name. Synthia. A bit of an effort for me not to associate this with hollywood (I am legend, anyone?) but with a name as sexy as Synthia, it's not easy!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22827585/

Piccies!

Colonies of the transformed Mycoplasma mycoides bacterium showing up as bright blue. Image Credit: J. Craig Venter Institute

Here are some facts that might help the news hit a lil closer to home

Simply put, synthia is a synthetic DNA carrying all the instructions that a simple cell needs to live and reproduce.

The building blocks of DNA--adenine (A), guanine (G), cytosine (C) and thiamine (T) are not easy chemicals to artificially synthesize into chromosomes. As the strands of DNA get longer they get increasingly brittle, making them more difficult to work with. Previously, the largest synthesized DNA contained only 32,000 base pair genomes. This one has 582,970 base pair genome, a clinical milestone in itself.

The synthetic M. genitalium has a molecular weight of 360,110kilodaltons (kDa). Printed in 10 point font, the letters of the M.genitalium JCVI-1.0 genome span 147 pages. Mycoplasma genitalium is a bacterium that can infect the human genital tract.

Mycoplasma genitalium was originally isolated in 1980 from urethral specimens of two male patients with non-gonococcal urethritis

The researchers said they used first E. coli bacteria and then yeast cells to copy pieces of DNA and assemble them into an artificial chromosome.

I find it both alarming and amusing that we are starting off the glorious road to new life basing the template of life from a bacteria native to an area that a sun never shines on and an STD. This bodes oodles of fun im sure.

2008-01-27T09:45:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Absolution
Gary Numan.

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Chinese Proverb

I've also heard it said that when you're stranded on the seas and islands, sea water brings you closer to death with each sip, drains you, parches your lips even as you let all the waters of the world seep through your hands, or leave you crusted hard with salt cyrstals.

I believe both to be true. I can't help it (",

2008-01-25T04:04:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Drifting
Sarah Mclachlan

Sappiness ahead- you were warned!

So.. My first real meet up with the most recent ex.

We've been talking since nov, not always lighthearted since things moved so fast that i felt there wasn't really closure, which im a stickler for. Details, details..

Days pass into weeks, and weeks into months as time is wont to do. It feels like nov was in a separate lifetime and you know what? It is.

So happy for him.. Things were not ideal during the last days, and i was in misery not knowing if quitting was the right thing to do. Such a burden, to leave behind something so precious, to make a decision which very well could affect especially a woman for the rest of her life.

Its amazing how both our prayers got answered ( Be careful what you ask for now...). How so many things fell into place that could not have been chance, and how we, too human to make the right decision, had the best ones made for us.

Perhaps this is going to sound incestous but.. When i look at him now i can see and feel only a brother, a gentle heart made for friendship. I asked for a girl for him who would not mind our still close friendship, and amazingly, i got that too! How many girls would hate another girl nearby ( and a cute one too ;pp), would be the first one to say hello.. To this i can only be amazed and say that god is exceedingly good. Saw her pic, and i give my blessing, lol.

Closure i wanted, demanded, and it is better than i thought it would be.

Now he tells me that he wants me to not be alone, but it is easier than he thinks for me to watch while he makes his plans for life. For one i have only joy that he has managed to find what so many have not. And secondly.. Perhaps i'm just not capable of loving anyone in the truest sense of the word? Because if i did, surely i'd have done so by now?

To be able to adore the one i'm with, to submit (willingly) with heart and soul and know i would go through anything with him, for him. To undoubtedly know that he is the love of my life. If i only have one life, i'll be damned if i never learn the meaning of these.

2008-01-20T10:12:00.000+08:00

Listening to: The Gift
Sai No Haha O.S.T

(wierd title, delicate pretty songs ;p)

Just received news that someone in my life might be going to Dubai for a couple of years or more.

There is nothing more bittersweet then someone who almost means the world to you slowly but surely moving furthur and furthur away. Yeah, it's surely thrown a funk to my mood and concentration this morning, and soon it'll be time for a last supper and the ritual of upgrading my addresses.

There are some whom you love to have around. Then there are those whom you love no matter if they are around or not, if they've been good or bad, those who are always worth it no matter what.

Thank you for hanging around so long ;p Be safe, be loved, and most of all, think on me and know you have someone who's always on your side.

2008-01-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Devils and Gods
Tori Amos

Me loves being surrounded by sweaty men and shiny toned women.
If only because it makes me less likely to slack on the treadmill because then who'd look like the 'tard then? Even if they are the ones with the vpl (or vbl).

I've put on so much damn weight that i can feel my ass shaking when i run (stumble) for all of those seconds, and though i can't quite balance a coffee cup on it a la j.lo yet, it really does feel too good to move regularly like this again! Squeal, cheerleader kick, swirl! Not so much of a resolution as a real need to get back into shape before i hit any more 0's in my birthday.

Course it helps confirm that i'm alive, sometimes i feel so deadened to anything that i wonder. Hmm. Diagnosis- general keratonisation of the self. Cause? Datingitis.

I know, i know, i've been out of play for so long, what with being in game for so long that i've forgotten the basics and relied on the other team lobbing easy shots. Now that i actually have to do the try outs again i find myself cringing with the possible outcomes. What happens if the next person is a sloppy kisser? What happens if he doesnt like my ass? I don't think i have the patience, tenacity nor courage to deal with all this again.

It's certainly nothing like bicycle riding. I have nothing in my arsenal that even resembles date behaviour.

The thought of getting to know someone all over again, having to play nice, get used to the bugger AND another ego, is frankly, beyond me right now. . I'd rather stay at home and play scrabble. Or go out and stay secure in friend zone, bitch and not have to feel apologetic if i happen to snort fizzy drinks out of my nose if i laugh too hard. Not that it has happened, of course. I have more fun listening to my friends exclamations during the waxing sessions then i do trying to make conversations with some guy.

Besides, the last guy who impressed me with his manners was when i was busy being a fag hag. Lovely men, lovely manners, all shrieking no in unison when i asked them to just treat me as one of the guys. My bad. Stupid question.

My only conclusion is that, i will fall in love at the age of 60, to the muddled widower next door who still has his hair. Or to the 52 cats that i will be allergic to but still feed out of my pension allotments. Hopefully i have enough cpf, muhaha.

2008-01-10T06:26:00.000+08:00

Hello me loverlies ;p

I can't believe it but the ending of the past year and this years beginning has been incredible. In fact, i would go as far as to say that i can't remember the last time i was this contented.

Not quite sure how this happened, and i sure as hell wasn't in the mood for fun and games awhile back.. But the good times roll :)

It's strange. Comfort comes at the strangest and most unexpected times. And from people whom you'd never imagine . It's more of a slow, steady saturation as opposed to any number of happy events, and for once i have learnt to not think of my name as a trial, but a reminder of things to come.

2007-12-08T09:42:00.000+08:00

Listening to: The one moment
Gattica Ost

I've realised that all the missing i've been doing isn't for just one person. Yes, longer ones (hmmmm) are hard to shake off but... is it really because of the person, or the sudden and enforced lost of another person's physical availabiity and closeness?

The healing and therapeutic power of touch has been documented, observed, researched and scribed throughout the ages. Even before words were ever formed or needed, there was touch. A wordless communication that comforts, shames and inflames.

How can so many of us survive without it on a daily basis? Speech can be superfluous but imagine for just one day if instead of speech, we just reached out. I think we'd be alot happier. Nothing sexual, just a primal need to be truly noticed, witnessed and felt.

I was thinking about it this morning and i was filled with a great and intense sadness for those who are chronically deprived of this either because of stigma or social constraints. Updates here on what i have done to help soon :)

On a lighter note someone has managed to get my interest, very intently indeed. Hope for me, i was wondering when i would ever notice the male form again *huge grins*

Incandescent

2007-11-30T10:30:00.000+08:00

Listening to~ Destiny
By Zero 7.

1- I love the wind in my hair.. Happiness is 3 am at 140 on the road, with no windows. Purrs

2- I never realised it was possible to get turned off by hair around nipps, until i got a slight queasiness that left me avoiding looking at the clumps of hair around a friends at beach.. Was it mean of me to notice? Symmetry is always nice.

3- Rage is taking me by the roots of my soul, making me feel like sloughing off everthing in one raw tug. I want to skin his face too. Let her heal it.

4- I finally spoke up to my boss. And promptly got some ego stroking and recognition!! Go me!

5- I blew hundreds on some plain blue dress for me bro's wedding. When i brought it back home to scrutinise, i noticed it makes me look fat. Even my mom commented on it. Can i grow some foreskin and call myself Jude? I'm sick of being a girl. I want to never shave and let my leg hair wave in the breeze.

On a sadder note, one of my intimate friends invited me to go on a christmas holiday with him and his bf. How pathetic do i look, i wonder, for him to ask? *snif* And he hates the blue dress too.

2007-11-21T04:27:00.000+08:00

Boy meets girl
Boy meets girl years later
Boy and girl get it on
and off
and on
and off again.
Girl cant make up her mind
a mth after they split, he decides to get married to a girl he's known for 2 weeks.

Me is not a happy camper :(

Still, for those of you who've been trying to cheer me up, thankies sweeties. I could be so much worse, you should be grateful im so considerate that i keep my whining to a minimum. Bear with me, you know i'll come out farting violets and streaming sun beams from me smile. Till then..uh...

till then...

*twiddles thumbs*

till then dont mind the damp tissues around the place.

2007-11-16T16:42:00.000+08:00

Terribly addicted to some of the numbers on this soundtrack. Sometimes melancholy needs a lil encouragment :)
http://haoting.com/musiclist/ht_b7eb728e21dee38f.htm

2007-11-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

Sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't have to. Playing at being adults can be so tiring.. Its worse when you realise one day that.. you are a grown up, one of those.

Sometimes the decisions we make leave us drier and drier, like one of the husks of tiny fruits you see scattered along the paths you walk. I look at the lines on my hands, and think they belong on an old woman. If i could look inside my heart, i wonder what i would find? Not just mine, but all of our's.

I wish my booboo would go away just with a kiss and squeeze.

2007-03-12T04:31:00.000+08:00

When i left the house, i had almost 0.4 carats of sweet, shiny, stone in the valley of my collar bones.

An after lunch touch up in the mirror showed me that a clasp around my neck is no match for the ingenuity of my klutziness.

Despondency, my companion for today. Big sigh.

2007-02-04T14:53:00.000+08:00

I had a really crap dream last night.

I dreamt that someone had been cultivating vats of leeches in some hdb basement, and that the leeches had somehow gotten into the water supply. they spread all over the place, became an epidemic and worse.. i dreamt they were actually crawling pass/into/through my skin. Being the happily lucid dreamer that i am, i even gave myself the thoughtful view of what they looked like coming into my body from the inside of me. So i see this black wriggly thing first wavering towards my body heat, then slowly shrinking itself to squeeze through my unbroken skin and once the head's through, opening its big mouth to clamp onto my bloody, pink flesh.

Nasty. At several points they even flew, so like a swarm of flies in india they converged upon me with not a collective buzz, but with a noisy sort of silent squishing. And you can't brush them off because they hook onto you instantly, so all i cld do was let my hand brush at their slimy little expanding bodies like so many short fat strands of chin chow.

Cue dream dictionary, because i can't even begin to imagine what the dream means.

Leeches: To see or be bitten by leeches in your dream, refers to something in your life that is draining the energy and vigor out of you. The dream may refer to people, habits, or negative emotions that are sucking you out of your vitality. Alternatively, if your body is covered in leeches, then you are feeling disgusted by your own body or repulsed by something you have done.

Fucking exams. Thank god they're over by tuesday. If i had studied this hard when i was in primary school, i'd be a nuclear physicist by now.

2007-02-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

Its lovely to have a boss who doesnt care if youre at your desk or not, just as long as you get your work done.

Thankfully, most doctors are like that. They are so in a world of their own, they'll happily let legal paperwork which is due in 2 mins sit on their desk for another 4 mths under fire hazards on their desks while you constantly remind them via calls, mail and smses. Then when you look for them in their clinics because you have had enough of their shite, they turn to you and say,

"

There are easier ways to get my signature.

"

That was a good one.

They're funny folks, they are. The one i have now is actually rather sweet, so much so im reluctantly willing to sacrifice alot more for him albeit a little grumpily, because i know he's a really nice guy. He offered me chocolates (Chocolates!) with such a boyish big smile and earnest sincerity (when was the last time you had utter sincerity from a person?) when i went to bug him that my heart melted and i had to resist the urge to pat him on his head and tell him he's doing fine.

2007-02-02T22:08:00.000+08:00

I have this new girl and i cant stop staring at her. Well. Parts of her.

You know how some girls are so hairy, when they bend over and you see a large expanse of back, there's hair there? Not there. Just on the lower back. A 'not so fine', 'not so sprinkled as liberally plowed and grown' kind of hair there.

I havn't had the opportunity of seeing her bending over in my face, so i can't comment on her back. For all i know she has the baldest body tits downward, but it must be excluding her arms. I swear its not like the normal straight kind of arm hair you see on typically hairy women. I know she'll never have to tell anyone she has natural curls.

I tried to look for hairy pics, but all i found was a site from some man telling the world about his boners from pictures of beautiful hairy women.

The ironic part is that she does a beautiful shave and moisturise on her legs. Not a ingrown hair in sight. What's a hairy girl to do? Damned if you do, damed if you dont!

2007-02-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

I've always told the better half he was lucky.

Not because he's naturally skinny and white ( i am so going to have my ass whuped) and has nicer legs than i have, but because ive never been the kind of girl who wants to get married as soon as financially or decently possible.

When i was a younger girl (how do you define woman?), i had friends who married because they didn't believe in planning. And i promised myself it would never happen to me.

When i was a slightly older girl, i looked at the relationships between mothers and daughters. They were so volatile to me, even then, i swore. I would never let the possibility of that happen to me.

When i was even older, i looked at the marriage dynamics of the people around me, and i told myself.. it will never happen to me.

Its a battle against common sense, of what people tell you and what you want to believe. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. Whats a girl to do?

2006-12-21T17:59:00.000+08:00

I took a peek at the C.v that had been sent to me. As i read through the list leading to yet more lists of accomplishments, my pulse quickened and i couldn't help but rest a palm against my chest because i felt overwhelmed and.. slightly dizzy. Linguistically a genius, the cunningness not at all concealed; Musically learnt, and as always i think of the nimbleness and quickness of concert performers; Academically.. I figure i counted 2 non distinctions.

How often do you meet a person who really inspires you to do more?

It would be easier if he was a complete bastard, so i could console myself with the fact that everyone hates him but unfortunately, as these things turn out, he is a total and complete sweetheart. Thanks god.

Why does intelligence in its varied forms make you/me/us wet? For women perhaps it's linked to an inherent need to want to choose a man whose able to lead you to a more secure path. But why does it affect men in the same way?

And yet- to want to do more than the nothing i'm overly familiar with- How can it be bad?

How could I have felt so weak and so passive at twenty and feel so strong now?
It is so wonderful. - Anais Nin at 69

Is tiredness a good excuse?

2006-12-18T17:53:00.000+08:00

Moi: Do you have any idea what her age is?
BD: Don't know, never asked. Know shes the same age as her hubbie though.
Moi: Uh. But... You know how old he is right?
BD: Yeah. 34.

Sometimes, it's better to just let some things pass :)

2006-12-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

Why do people who speak the same dialect, so foreign their accent makes your tongue curl involuntarily, like to talk loudly in enclosed spaces in english with a hurting captive audience?

2006-09-17T04:04:00.000+08:00

Some people take 'it' ie: the chronic state of being six kinds of a moron, to the extremes.

Went into the recreation room in the unit after lights out to find a middle aged *man nearing the age of 40, in a crouch in front of the main door. He wrung hands and lamented that i was just lucky to have caught him. I might have been amused if he had had chosen a better place to hide.

*term used broadly

Ramble ahead, proceed with caution.

2006-09-01T12:15:00.000+08:00

Religion is such a volatile, emotional topic, even when just brooding about it with myself. Isn't it with you as well?

Typically i change the subject when someone brings up issues, because regardless of whether they share the same faith, viewpoints are never the same. You could spend time getting annoyed at someone who says christians started the war and thus muslims have been on the warpath ever since. You could get miffed when someone remarks that perhaps spirits are somehow preventing me from getting that urge to marry (wtf?), but at the same time i find myself dissing the teachings of my own church.

Take circumcision. Invariably someone will say that was in the old testament, and as such, is hardly relevant. OK, fine. In that case, are the 10 comandments just guidelines, and passe? Or.... The creation of the world in 7 days. We're not supposed to take things literally? Fine. Then whats with the brouhaha and outrage of the big bang, and evolution? If it's not in the bible, then what are we honestly supposed to believe?

And the curious thing is.. If it's written nowhere, how can some people be so sure about it? I figure if you knew everything for certain, you'd be..God.

2006-08-30T07:03:00.000+08:00

One man's meat may be another's poison.

I sit back with a smile as an idle thought flits in and out... One's useless lump may be just that to 'some' man, but to another it could be a morsel that he just has to want, like the day i had nothing but chicken rice because, inexplicably, i couldn't get enough.

I may have a burger with foie gras just to see what something so wrongly expensive tastes like, or i might go to a country themed restaurant to have a taste of something more exotic on my tongue; I might want to try a dish only once, or share it with friends becuase some things are best shared that way; I might want to have jalapeno chips on the side because im tired of soup,

but i'll always come back to my chicken rice.

So don't feel miffed that someone has compared you to a dish to be had anywhere, or to a simple pleasure you think you're better than. Somethings are more than a passing phase, and i know i'll won't ever get tired of my lumps of chicken rice meat :)

2006-08-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

I always feel like i disappoint people with my answers.

You know which questions, i'm sure you do. They ask anything related to your job that you're supposed to know everything about.

Case in point. I'm in the healthcare line, thus people will not unexpectedly ask me things ranging from chest pains, to disfigured feet, to abscesses which live in a sunless world. Sure, people will always look to the nearest person for answers, but.. i have the feeling i'm supposed to give them an elaborate answer, complete with medications and urgent, immediate actions they must take or they will die in 12 months.

If you have pain, the obvious thing would be to see if there is anything in the immediate surroundings which might be or did cause it, ie: the pole sticking in your chest is albeit stopping any bleeding but i'm pretty sure you need to get it out. Soon. Splinter? Tight bra? Jeans which chaff unmentionables and thus explain a certain soreness? Havn't eaten for a day and don't know why you're feeling faint?

If you don't have any obvious symptoms, like, oh say.. a one sided slackness, or a crushing pain in the chest follwed by arm numbness, chances are i might not know what is wrong with you either. If you consistently need analgesia stronger than panadol, yes, i'm afraid i'm going to tell you to get your ass to a dr's to find the root cause.

I suppose it would be glorious if i could tell you to bleed 2 chickens, blend their giblets and drink it with ginseng after drinking your own pee for 5 dawns in a south-westerly direction. Or i could deduce what illness you have if, while you are drinking your pee, you notice it smells of petunias.

I can't take your pulse and tell you you're preggers, or prepare poltices for you people. I don't know if it is Definitely stress that is giving you chest pains.

But i can tell you which drs give the most medical leave :)

2006-07-26T18:46:00.000+08:00

I don't know how serious she is, wanting this divorce. Perhaps it's more of a cry for help, for acknowledgement of what she thinks shes suffering. I dion't think it's going to happen really.

If they split, im not going to live with either of them, lol. Sigh.

2006-07-26T18:04:00.000+08:00

I hadn't been for about 2 months, and was happy that morning i decided to go to church. It was going to be a really good day, i thought, and was all smiley. She hadn't been for, oh, 8 mths, and no one knew if she was ever coming back. "She's changed." they whispered behind her back, no one wanting to have a prolonged conversation about bags or makeup.

Who would have thought we would both decide to come back on the same day to church? During the opening hymm i saw a flash of her red jacket, and at that instant, turned and recognised her. Inadvertently (fittingly) invoking God's name as i saw her. The bf turned and saw his ex. We stared at in other in mortification and other. We stared at the hymm lyrics. It had to happen sooner or later. Why not now?

I knew it was about time we met, i'd wanted to long ago. Recognising her from her pictures was easy. Its bizarre, but sitting behind her i was able to observe all her little motions and the sound of her coughs, of her voice as she greeted the rest of the group, and every little thing seemed so..her. More of recognition than observing, i felt. Of all things her mom was there, and i felt her eyes on me, When i looked up to meet her mom's eyes, i couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she seemed to be smiling slightly. Great.

Later when we all sat together after service, it was hard for me to say anything to her. She studiously avoided my eye after i caught it, sat as far away from me as possible, and i would have laughed at her efforts to remain so blase if i had not been feeling so unerved myself. I almost felt sorry, the way the girls in the group didn't exactly hurry to welcome her back, the way they they recoiled a little the more she flashed her scarlet nails and makeup around. I might have left, if not for the steadying look in jamerson's eyes, and his gentle pressure of reassurement on my hands as he left me alone with the girls.

Did i have reason to feel awkward? Yes. Did i have reason to feel guilty? I think we all three do.

Crap.

2006-07-06T01:45:00.000+08:00

In beauty, with words, in form
with emotions, in love, with expression
uneasy routine all.

living between poles
wanting flames,
yet never frozen,
unsure as half bloomed flowers between seasons.

Crown my joys
or cure my pain
but my deadness
it drives me insane.

Sometimes its nice to give in and sound like i've just missed a dose of anti-depressants, but really.. What fuels writing (mine are various states of drivel, but i like them just the same), and many expressions of self are emotional driven; sometimes so much so that we think of their authors and creators as either manic, depressive, or everything inbetween( or outside the normal range of sanity.

Sometimes i give up things, take them as dead because i think things shldn't, or can't go furthur. Sometimes i think that if i took more effort to see things and people to their end, i'd find out alot more about should and could.

2006-06-06T02:27:00.000+08:00

I wrote yesterday.
It got eaten up by the random pc i was using in the lab.
*sobs*

It gets harder and harder to pen brain to keyboard, so i'll just meander gently and aimlessly, letting thoughts lead me where they will.

While the parents were abroad, my maternal grandmother aka por por, gave a call to ask someone to pick up some ba zhang (rice dumplings wrapped with pandan leaves). The call annoyed me, because i knew it wld have to be me to run down. P.p stays in pipit road, which is just off McPherson road.. A sleepy corner overlooking the aljunied bit of the P.I.E, and coincidentally where i did quite a bit of my growing up. I don't know why, but the morning air, with only the geriatric to be seen doing tai chi, or old men playing chess in the morning sun seemed to lighten my step as i walked briskly towards the block.

As i sat at the old table laden with egg yolks, shrimp, ginko nuts and siew yoke (roasted pork), again i felt bad that i never visit. How to put this into words? I cant begin to describe the immense satisfaction i felt as i tried to make a couple ugly mishapen lumps of rice. It wasn't just that i felt tradition taking a hold of me, as i looked upon the old coal burner and pots she was using. It wasn't just that i felt truly aware of my ties for the first time, as she spoke in cantonese and showed me how to fold the leaves into an ideal nook. I think it was just..sweet contentment.

What kind of routine do we put ourselves through when contentment is such a rare commodity in our lives?

I told j about the unsurety i harbour. Children, my stance on present matters, the whole thingamajig. Later i dreamt that he took me to Tiffany's where he chose a ring. I gazed at it; the vivid and darkly green jade carved piece in the center, and the loop around my finger a delicate gold wrought circle which looked pretty enough to wear on own. (I know, i know, they wld never stock such a thing) It looked like a glorious vintage piece, something lasting and precious. I looked and looked, admired and twisted my hands around to see it in all the angles of the light.. After a while, i took it off, held it in my hands for the last time, and gave it back to j, saying that even though there was no doubt it was a treasure, it was just not me

The spooks in my unit are getting more and more restless, with a particular one being rather spirited. She/it continued tapping a colleague on the shoulder after the boys had stopped playing. One evening i felt a wierd tingling sensation on my back and not long after, chris saw the shadow of a woman lunge towards him before it disappeared. And now i must go give kisses of thanks to whoever it was who told me not to turn around when you hear or feel..stuff.

2006-05-11T05:51:00.000+08:00

listening to: black cherry
goldfrapp

Black cherry makes for good making out background. Now, now, it was just a thought.

I refused to blog about the elections, and i still won't. Just have 3 things to say before i zip up.

Did no one else get called a sympathist and not in a good way?
Teo ser luck looks less dishy without his specs. Why do people always assume they look better without?
Um. Make it 2 points, because im not sure if free speech is allowed.

It's been really quiet these weeks. Probably just me, and i'm beginning to feel positively like a hermitess(sometimes). That politeness, that tact, and that diplomacy is wearing thin and i don't want to blow up/be rude to anyone because i'll just feel bad for days. So far it's just been reservations that didn't materialise, a small mouth that just wouldn't close, and a masculine one which took liberty with addressing me. In the midst of there being too many things to do, the feeling of standing still doesn't dissipate. Things don't get moved fast enough. I believe the name to the sensation is wound up :)

Picked up the ol' running shoes, but all i've been doing is stumbling, or making distressing (to the other runners) breathing noises. My secret goal is to run the standard chartered (quarter marathon anyone?) at the year end.Which year end i'm not sure yet. Not everyone knows i fag, and i've been intermittently off for 2 mths, and completely for 3 weeks. God knows, its one of the things i enjoy wholeheartedly, and being near someone who does, or catching a whiff of the that heavy scent that is so sweet to me, is enough to want to make me renege and be satisfied i'll live till 40. I figure if i run enough, i'll be so miserable with aching that i forget running off to the mama store to get my fix.

J and i were at Ikea, when i sur·rep·ti·tiously noticed , from the back, a tall feminine figure all in white. "Hot!", i thought to myself. I didn't count on J noticing her either. This is the first time he's noticed someone and had a reaction like that when he's with me, and i'm shamed to say it but..I'm sweetly jealous. He went on to extoll the virtues of her features, her height, and maddingly, he looked like he was in a bit of a daze. Eurasian, very young, and pretty breasty, very leggy. There was no denying she was damningly gorgeous. It's strange for me to feel this way, to feel a little ashamed that i didn't look perfect for him, right then and there.

Ack. Must be the nicotine, or lack therof thats making me womanly weak!!!!

2006-04-21T02:03:00.000+08:00

listening to: touch the sky
kanye west lupe fiasco

So the date has been set. I've never voted, and happily, it looks like this year won't be an exclusion. Do i care? Sure. Do i care as much as , say, how much my next holiday is costing? No. Because i know i will be called to exercise judgement which will be in turn utilised, which is more then i can say for the former.

Moving on.
Why are men so hyperchondriacal? I nod, and wince as J tells me about his pain, i plain well remember what mine felt like. Sometimes though, i wonder how it is that he's hit his age and is still so.....

J: I've told work to prepare for my absence next week. One week mc.
f: How do you know its one week?
J:All wisdom teeth extractions give a week's worth.
f: Oh..You already know its a wisdom tooth?
J: Dunno. Can't feel whether it's a cavity or wisdom tooth.
f: The whole area too sore, sweetie?
J: Not sure. Feels like there's no tooth left.
f: Isn't there a hole? Some sharp edges? If it's a cavity...
J: Dunno leh. Think have both a cavity and wisdom tooth.

It's like for every problem, they have to think of the worse possible scary scenario.
It's like when you get a cough, and ask me if i think it's pneumonia because there's a rattling in your chest.
Or the way you ask if i think you're having heart attacks.
Or ask me why you're feeling weak when you havn't had either lunch or dinner.

Sweetheart, i know you're in pain, and i'll hold your hand while waiting for you to go into the dentist's, but i'll still laugh when you come out drooling and wadded with wool.

Never date someone who causes pain on a daily basis. We're overated, and we don't come with the uniform.

2006-04-13T03:56:00.004+08:00

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.
You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.
Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition.
The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

2006-04-13T03:56:00.003+08:00

Your Daddy Is OJ

What You Call Him: Pa
Why You Love Him: He takes you to Disneyland

Who's" Your Daddy?

2006-04-11T16:05:00.000+08:00

Bothering you, distracting you,
you swatting, you grunting,
Tickling you, bemuddling you,
you sighing, you pouting,

you forcing
me to desist,

i stealing
your note of bliss,

its always fleeting
times like these,
sweet just like
a candied lick.

i read once
and grin again,
your love lines
supremely sublime;
but 'forever', my sweet
don't you think
it's just another
divine myth?

2006-03-17T04:17:00.000+08:00

your slightest look,
it seems will easily unclose me
though i try to close inwards
see nail marks on my palms

your softest word,
it seems will easily unloose me
though i try to pile layers
and read the book of psalms

writhing spirit,
who sees my intent?
who knows i'm a whore?
i've dreamt and i want more

my blood approves,
and imagination sings
then gravity my conscience remembers
i'm dashed upon barren ground

2006-03-09T02:11:00.000+08:00

You know when you hear people saying.. I just fell in love with this person i met? Or perhaps they might say that the other grew on them.

"I didn't love him at first, i slowly learnt what he was like, and loved him, for what he does, for what he is."

I'm not quite sure what men say, because i havn't head them say anything besides saying that a woman is beautiful. It's like for them, that sums up everything; all the virgin and harlot in her, all the fragility or strength they think they see.

But you know what i think? I think that what they see corresponds to a deep seated need in them. All the love stories i've ever heard, right from the very first one, have made me feel that in a sense i will know him. I know its blind, going by feeling alone, but look at the smiling recognition of the blind man when tracing a face with his hands.

What if people never really meet somewhere, or just find each other somewhere auspicious; They meet again. They're in each other, have been all along.

That's what i think.

2006-03-07T00:07:00.000+08:00

Food and sex.
Pratunam for seafood, patpong for entertainment.

A few days before while we were planning our trip, i brought up tigershows, and how much i wanted to take a peek.. It was only when a frequent go-er pointed out that it was thai girl and not tiger, that i realised how much singaporean pronunciation has damned me. I worried how i would state my intentions in thai about wanting to see, assuming that the touts would only approach the men. Shouldn't have worried.

Once down from the cab, the narrow streets were nicely split into two sides.. Patpong night market on one side and...

On the left were a string of neon lit signs. I was a little surprised it was so direct.. I always imagined a small stage with a awe struck audience. We paused to take stock of the area, and this guy came up to us with a yellow card which had been badly laminated (it looked exactly like a menu from those zhi char coffee stalls). Dishes were numbered, all starting with "pussy" and ending with "cut banana, ping pong, darts..ect"

This guy was good. After telling him we wanted to look around (yeah, we were determined to find the best or most explicit show), he pouted, gave a little cute tantrum, and proceeded to follow us the length of the street as we checked out the rest of the goods. When i got over my shock of seeing so apparently straight a man act thusly, i was able to pay proper attention to what was going inside some of the bars. We ended up going back to the first one because the sign was the biggest and brightest. Lol.

We trudged up a flight of stairs, and i felt much, much better as i saw a couple go ahead of me. We passed a lady in a booth who had nothing to say to us, and entered the place after another flight.

As we walked in, i was conscious of the lights on my white shirt, and and how the girls stared as we walked in. I was particularly attracted to one girl, but she only danced in the background poles. The rest..argh. There were fat girls, skinny girls, ugly boys who tucked themselves in so they looked like girls, dark girls, only two who looked fair and seemed to be chinese, all in unappealing bikinis. The show started, and we learned quickly it didn't do any good to be overly enthusiastic to any one girl. Or to any girl for that matter.. We saw streams of endless lights being pulled out, darts which burst from a dart holder thingy held within. We got a bit conned, and had to buy one drink for the bottle opener chick, but what's a hundred baht, right? It's good to have have small change though, because any excess here is immediately taken as a tip.

Bottle opener girl, or nang, sat on my left. She was very polite, and actually had quite sweet features. After complimenting her on her act (c'mon, anyone who can do that infront of a roomful of voyeurs..). i tried to ease out some tidbits from her, but her answers were so well rehearsed. Armfuls of gesticulating were our means of understanding each other.

"How old are you, nang?"
She thinks for a min. "18." This is said with a cheeky smile. I think she's older.
"Do you like being on the stage?" I point up at the stage.
She smiles, nods, and i decide not to press the point.
She asks where we're from, how old i am. I tell her to guess, not wanting to indulge her.
I ask if the bottle cap act is painful. I manage this by pointing to her, the cap, and making ouch sounds with a questioning lilt to my voice. Feel plenty spastic, but its interesting to see what i can get out of her. She shakes her head. Apparently, she only trained 5 mins to do that, and i feel the urge to ask if she practices in a room with all the other girls, but thank god i don't.

She comes back to sit after her act, but my interest has waned so after only a smile, i concentrate on the stage. She gets the hint, and charmingly excuses herself with her palms pressed against each other, held nose level.

Towards the end of the night, im feeling tired. The thai businessman and his two caucasian counterparts on my left are with the girl who blew darts and specialises in tweezer tricks. She looks really young, and the thai man is patting her tummy as i look over. I hear the first caucasian, an obese man who looks latino complete with frizzy big hair, ask her if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend. The second caucasian man pinches his brows and looks away. A while later, i hear a shriek, and she springs up from the chair holding her bikini top against her arms. She puts it back on, and settles inbetween the men again. She's quieter from this time on. When she's back on the stage aiming her dart at a balloon the men are holding, i see the thai man looking intently, his mouth open and i can see his thoughts flashing across his face. The lights illuminating his expressions, the girl on her back, heaving her darts in different directions of the room. She still has her bikini bottom on, but i realise she looks even younger when she's lying down. Heavy disquiet seem to have an almost tangible hold now, and i leave.

As i walk out, the girls wave, and ask for tips which i wave aside. I walk in silence for awhile, immersing myself in the markets of patpong. It's elbow room only at this time, and i notice a blind man walking slowly through. His tin is pretty empty, and i think to myself that perhaps its because everyone else has spent all they have on piracy and sex.

2006-02-16T22:26:00.000+08:00

Our emotions are far from numb
Our engagements mean more than the sharing of flesh
As we open the minds of our souls and confess

Sitting across the table from you
There's no view of my behind
focus on my conversation
The collective thoughts of my mind

Intrigue is the theme of this murmuring well,
Where the passion that's shared
we both fail to quell.

2006-01-21T01:48:00.000+08:00

listening to: better days
goo goo dolls

Have a secret to share?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

2006-01-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

listening to: dirty little secret
all american rejects

The other night i was in a room which was known to be..occupied, and i heard a loud noise which sounded like someone weeping. You know, when someone reaches that stage where they have no breath because of the intensity of the crying, and breathing makes a high pitched, indrawn keen during the inhalation ?

No prizes for guessing, i ran out of the room and waited outside the loo for chris to come out. Fuck me. I had no time to feel that spooked, it was pure reaction which propelled me out that room.

2006-01-04T04:10:00.000+08:00

I walk around blind, believing in the painful adage 'vanity ( the equivalent of intellectual disability for me ) over death'.

There've been many times i've thought of enhancing my eyesight with surgery, but minor details perish that thought. The last time i tried contacts i couldn't get them out; it was only with the flood of desperate tears induced by a certain foreign object on my eyeball (ie: my finger) that enabled it to slide out by accident. Imagine if you could see certain things you'd rather not; say, the grime on the floor at a hawker center, or a morning after reflection in the mirror.. I was reminded again today why sometimes less than acute eyesight is great for sanity. For all the rest of the times, going bespectacled and lab coated suits me fine.

1# Walking down the street, i was suddenly blinded by a not so young woman who was sitting with her gold and silver shod feet swinging in the bright sunlight. Grabbing the arm beside me, we started together at the feet. There were... things.. jingling, shiny, plasticky things on the straps that looked like the ornaments on my tree. I stood humbled at that moment. Never will i laugh at some of things sold on the shelf, because i know there are people who actually wear them.

2# Offering extra large chewy sweeties around after a lunch, a certain male was having fun playing with the remnants of the sweet, rolling it around on his lips and making gastly faces. I stared at the sweet. It was green. The sweets i gave out were white. At least we all know he enjoys his dietary fibre.

2006-01-04T02:59:00.000+08:00

Fine fine, forget about reading that last post already. I knew it was vague but i think i should delete it based on the number of ," What was that post about?" from those who knew what happened. If that's not a sign that there's something terribly terribly wrong with the writing...

This christmas was a bit non existant for me.. The mother asked for the christmas tree to be put up only to find that she had forgotten she had thrown it away last year. This year she and my father did a mini-lets-not-try-to-kill-the-plant-with-lights thingie, and it turned out pretty nice albeit a day before christmas. Everyone wrapped presents the night before, and i'm pretty sure none of us was into it. Shopping was so last minute i brought my stash to the christmas eve do at my friends place and did it there. Was a bit saddened by my fathers question to me.. I had laughingly told him that i knew i had inherited my wrapping skills from him when he asked if his prezzie was all right. Inclining my head and waiting for him to tell me what he meant, he continued and mentioned that he didn't know if i wld think it was good enough.. Frankly i wldn't care if i didn't get a tangible gift. Sometimes the ones that don't cost anything are the hardest to find.

New year's was novel, with a session at a friends place passed up in place of helping another with his sausages (hottie dogs) at the esplanade. I stood for 12 straight hours dealing with german wieners and smoked cheese, a rained out tentage that made wearing slip ons that much more disgusting, more onions than i have dealt with in my entire f'in life but it was not surprisingly, very satisfying. Te fireworks were *almost* amazing. Hobbling home with an assortment of balloons, lightsticks in a variety of shapes and a stray buns, i was happy that it wasn't an exercise in uselessness and forced bonheur.

It's pretty amusing but these weeks of festivity i've seen more couples yelling their lungs out at each other in public. From docile males who meekly follow an obviously pissed girlfriend stomping away, to small tug of wars to prevent one half from getting into a cab; it's all been rather heartwarming actually.

2005-12-28T05:13:00.000+08:00

A few placid butterflies let loose, helpful directions from an observant doorman; a hop, skip and bright smile later, i was in the office. Smiling, genuine trainer is putty in my hands and his sales manager is introduced to me a while later. After about an hour, i have all the information i need. He is shifty and eager to pounce on my lack of knowledge, but my eager intentness seems to make him want to seem more knowledgeble. Why do men always assume women wear their emotions on their sleeve? I'm shown round the office, and mental notes are taken.

Leaving and patting my bag, i smile demurely at him as he sends me on my way, insisting on walking a short way with me. A short while later, some long awaited information is passed to another sales manager, from another company.

Fact or fiction?

Interesting times :)

2005-12-09T06:46:00.000+08:00

When my fingers are poised above the keyboard, somehow blog paralysis just sets in. Bits of what i want to write about seem to be painfully inadequate for sharing. Scattered thoughts, fit only for mulling over to oneself.

Like how i would have liked to write about leaving the house before lunch. It's rare enough, god knows typically i wouldn't be caught dead walking out in the sun at that time with the throngs in town. The sun beats down, people squeeze, heat makes your neck feel slightly damp, and it's impossible to get a cab. Not that day though.. I took a train with w from the east, and walked from city hall to clarke quay.. My moans and groans were cheerfully ignored with perky comments about how nice it was to be out without having to work, how the weather was nice and slightly foreign because it was rather cool; a particular brand which had extra menthol was pushed into my hand to keep me happy like the world's thinnest pacifier. And as i walked, i noticed that it really was beautiful. It was cool, the air blew into my shirt and out the hem, making w laugh, and keeping me mild. We settled for merchant court and sat outside, savouring the smell of kebabs and strong coffee which whafted across from the little hut in which a chef was having fun with his tools. Mmm. Oh. And i took a baby for a walk by the river. First time, and scarily it was quite at ease on me. An entire person, nestled between the curves of my front, toe occasionally kicking my belly button. I've never had my hair eaten before.

Or i could talk about friends leaving for another land, and though laughs and promises to meet up when-ever where-ever abound, you just know it isn't going to happen. Not content to leave in ones anymore, friends now leave in two's, promising to send pictures of kids, house and hopefully bigger car if i don't plan on visiting anytime soon. I always wonder if i'll ever leave.

I've realised suddenly that angel and i have truly moved on and that it'll be the kind of friendship where overnight stays won't pose a threat anymore to anyone.

Had my first financial 'betweeen a rock and hard place' dilemma. Just your usual run of the mill unexpected, urgent, deplete your christmas/festive budget /bonus situation which has aged me a little. Nothing more makes you feel so trapped, i swear.

December always has me contemplative, and all i have to show for my ruminations is tinsel from the keyboard. The user before me has very creative AND extremely stiky fingers.

2005-12-01T01:08:00.000+08:00

And today in line with how i feel.. pictures of the world's ugliest dog. I would have put up pictures of myself before morning coffee but i didn't want to scare you. The first time i saw his ugly mug, the first thought that struck me was that it looked like a species of hellhound. Hello Sam!

Nono, he isn't outwardly very diseased, he just..is.

Here's a quiz for you. What is Sam? (courtesy of http://sam-the-man.net/)

A cloned experiment gone wrong
A lawyer
An Alien
A deep fried hotdog
Your ex-girlfriend

And this is why you shld never feed one after midnight. Seriously though, sammy is a pedigree chinese crested hairless, which is more than i can say for myself.

What the hell.. Are those knuckles?? Anyway, the owner's dress sense gives allowance for her taste in dogs. Its a little bizarre. Apparently this little guy has to have treatments of an acidic formula to clear away the dead skin cells every few days, and his mommy squuezes his blackheads for him.

Sadly, he has since passed on, with many mourning his loss and questioning the ideal of beauty. Rest in peace sammy.

2005-11-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

Was I bewitched so by a thin red line
To notice not that time released its hold
And let snip the silver twine
taking sweetest youth
isn't that the gospel truth?

2005-11-24T02:28:00.000+08:00

When you watch love stories, it's easy to go along with the dreamy theme. Youth brings with it the beauty of the body, innocence and and a beguiling enthusiasm. Think unjaded bright eyes and boundless energy. Wasn't it always the easiest to fall when the object of your affection had the lines and style equal to that of a luxury car , or the manner of an angel perhaps?

Sometimes i think of my patients, what needs to be done for them; then i look at the other half and feel ashamed that i could never bring myself to do that. Not because of a shunnning of what needs to done, but a fear that a familiarity this much and this great would kill any intimacy and even respect that's left. It's not a fear of wrinkles, or the lack of a few functions, but total dependency. Think the most basic of needs. Its the total antithesis of what a man or woman should be like. For women because they can't serve or satisfy, for men because they are more helpless than a babe and women will never be satisfied if they are in a prolonged situation where the rules are reversed.

What i would give, to feel even a half hearted willing for this.

2005-11-18T06:10:00.000+08:00

Discipline, where no one notices, has never been my big thing. In the fullness of a particular kind of companionship, somehow writing palls :)

So i was reading one of the reviews in the papers about the exorcism of Emily Rose, and it was saying it was the scariest movie in town? No shite. I caught it during a sneak about 2 weeks ago, and i felt slightly mad (schizophrenic, like) after watching it. Typically it's the korean, or the japanese cheap frights which get me. When was the last time you were afraid?

About 2 days later at work, i was feeling slightly off and so, encouraged by colleagues, went for a lie down in one of the rooms not currently utilised by any of the volunteers. This was late, about 1 in the morning. Taking along sheets and blankie, i made myself comfy, and drifted off almost instantly. Some time later, i thought i heard someone come into the room. Not being sure if this was just another vividly lucid dream, or if i was in fact awake, i waited for a while to see if the noises came to a head ie: i see the reason i heard noises. I didn't see anything, so i tried to sit up. It seemed like my mind was awake, but my body wasn't, and so i had no choice but to continue lying. I didn't see anyone come into the room, but i did see the edge of the screens i had pulled round my bed for privacy move slightly. Squinting in effort, trying to shut aside the blurriness of sleep, i could only see the curtain being slightly tugged, as if someone wanted to peek at me, but let the screen fall back each time, only to try again . I tried to lift my arms to grab ahold of the cot sides to pull myself up, but again with the haziness of sleep or dreams, i hadn't the strength to. The last straw was when i heard bells chiming. Whoah.

The chimes were light and sweet, and rather than add to the intensification of fear, i was filled with a sense of urgency which helped me struggle to wake/sit. I told rach, a peer, what had happened, and she put it down to the bloody show. For those of you who watched the movie, the time i woke was 3.10am.

The next night, i told a friend what had happened, and she asked which room i had been in. I told her it was the 'green'. She smiled, and told me never to sleep in either the 'yellow' or 'green' room. Apparently she can see things, and see she did in those two rooms.

Wussy people shouldn't watch horror movies, and i've vowed not to anymore.

Damn.

vegetated

2005-11-11T02:45:00.000+08:00

Its incredible, but im hooked!

I've been vegan for 4 days! .

!!!

If you realize what a meat and potatoes girl i was, and compare it to the fact that now i juice for breakfast and look for vegetarian establishments that are out of my way.. I look for organic options! How wierd is that? I've gotta let you know it feels incredible. Seriously. The only hang up is when i attempt to whip up something for myself in a self righteous fit.

One morning i tripped down to get supplies for recipes that i wanted to try out and ended up with all sorts of eats in my cart that still had clumps of soil on them. When i pointed this out to my companion, i only got a disgusted look, and an admonishment. I was exhilarated though. This must be like what shopping feels like for some women. You don't simply up with an article, you end up with potential!

I got back and decided to start on the chives first because they looked the easiest to handle. I managed to get a good look at the soily roots, and instantly my imagination went into overdrive. Did you know, that chives have hollow leaves which look like fun for a myriad of small, women hated bugs? Thank god no maggoty creep or other miscellaneous crawlies were found, and i made my first organic salad. Or first salad, period.

Sometimes, the most satisfaction can be found in the simplest things.

molten martini's.

2005-11-06T21:27:00.000+08:00

honey vodka.

gotta love it :)

Tempt me.

2005-11-02T16:01:00.000+08:00

How's the house/room hunting coming along, you ask?

Fine, so you don't want to know, but i want to talk about it. It's been mostly fruitless. I posted a bulletin on friendster to see if i could find any lobang* for cheaper rooms, or better locations. One of the replies was about a hdb room, with 3 guys already in situ.. Hmmmmmmm....

These men tend to travel alot, so that is already a plus in itself but... 3 men? In uniform! And those cute caps! I ran to get myself a cold drink at this point. Gosh. I sat and pondered with my hands gripped on the mug while various futures flashed before my eyes. Wow. I'm wondering if most women think the way i do. It'll be great to have people who keep as bizarre hours as i do, and i know at least one of them is incredibly entertaining but..

I call and tell my best friend about it. I'm promptly told im crazy for even considering. Im told to imagine a bachelor's pad multiplied by 3, the ideas they'll ( they're men, what. Anything in a skirt in the morning, right?**) get, the inconvenience i'll have..

Sigh. Thanks for the offer though. You always did know how to tempt me.

*loophole
** moot point because if they knew what i look like in the morning, there wouldn' be any temptation. Period.

yer slip's showing

2005-11-02T15:22:00.000+08:00

Listening to: one thing
finger eleven

Settling on a dim sum place, we settled in to looks from the other diners.

I seldom have cause to dally in Jurong unless its for the science center ( i loved the omni theatre and science centre), and just as the westsiders looked strange to us, so we eastsiders.. you get the idea. Don't want to get picked up for zone prejudice, so i'll move on.

They had quite an interesting aray on that menu, i have to admit. Too bad my scanner isn't working, i still have a bit of menu with me :)) They had amongst other things:

number 32: fresh crap balls
numer 28: Assorted chicken/fish dumpings ( wrapped in translucent, skin thin coverings. Rather good)

my bad

2005-11-01T15:50:00.000+08:00

We went for french movies at cineleisure on halloween, and the nice boy behind the counter endured my coughs and smiles.

" Ayah. If you want to laugh, just go ahead." he deadpanned. I reassured him that his makeup was entirely too freaky and told him it looked exactly like a really really bad case of acne. Very scary. He started patting his face, and asked if his makeup had melted on any part.

oops

An ode to fiona.

2005-10-29T05:02:00.000+08:00

Came across my sister's post in her blog tonight. They've been many, that she typed just knowing that i wld read it, but this one is the last i'm willing to gloss over. I won't post it here, because i have no desire to look at it anymore. Nor at her mein. I burst into tears at work (no one was around) when i read it, because i didn't do it. I waited to tell her, because i didn't want to have another argument, i didn't want to nit pick. I now know that some things have to be proved, and i wish that i had done it the instant i had saw it.

When was the last time you wrung your hands out of sheer helplessess? Talking about it won't do any good, and you'll never get a chance to make her think, because she doesn't care, and she doesnt want to see. She can type anything on her blog now, because it's lost one reader forever. In fact, her life has lost one reader, pretty permanently. Some people say things out of anger, and some out of loss of control. Others, like me, say things out of self preservation, and in doing so, they mean every single word.

Suffice to say, i've never known anyone so full of malice, nor of spite, nor this vindictive. I've never had anyone offer me to take something from her hands, only to drop it in front of my face when i was about to take it. She wanted to prove me right when i had called her a bitch. I was so numb that night, it was surreal, like a scene out of a bad movie.

Suffice to say, she wouldn't care if she was wrong, nor acknowledge that i had no cause to lie.

Suffice to say, till today her behavious is akin to the girl who used to pull the rug out from under me just because. Some things never change.

Suffice to say, that she won't give a damn if i just walked out of the house.

I'll give her that pleasure she craves so much. Hopefully when i'm no longer in the house, perhaps she'll see that she makes mistakes, just as i do, simply because there'll be no one else to blame. Maybe she'll realise, but then again, i never kid myself.

No more conversations, no more explanations, no more anything, because the end of the road is here, and i'd be a fool to go near you. You win, i'm moving out. And it's because of you. You can thank your lucky stars tonight and have a celebration with the computer, all by yourself. Consider it an christmas present in advance. Im sure it'll bring you a little closer to a religious experience considering your immense gratitude.

2005-10-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

Tossing and turning, she couldn't get her thoughts to quieten. Breathing a sigh, picking up the phone which always lay next to her pillow, she restlessly scrolled down the list of numbers and decided on one. Within an hr (she wasn't in the mood to go glam), she was dressed for drinks, and she was happy she didnt have to try to force sleep to come.

She spotted her friend, Cathy, waiting for her when she reached the taxi stand, and arm in arm, they set off. Cat, to introduce her to the new bf, and herself, simply contented to have something in the stead of another sleepless night. It felt good to be out, with the cool night air against her skin. Introductions were made, and she smiled politely, nothing that most of them were almost gone in drink and talk. Cat's new found play mate was handsomely chinese, with that dimple on his left that was always gushed about. She would have been very thoroughly charmed by him, if not for the fact that cat had not 10 minutes ago remarked it was a good thing he was good looking, because that compensated for size.

Swirling her swollen, split, lychee with the little red stirrer in her glass, she settled back into the sofa. She wasn't interested in conversation about someone's exploits at the tracks, nor was she in the mood for politics, office or otherwise. She was just there to spend time, to be occupied, to drink. Holding on to her martini, she started talking to first a female friend of cat's; all yuppie posturing and perfume, then to the boy across her table. Pleading a need of the little girl's room after a while, she excused herself and walked out, intending a few moments of fresh air. Walking to the river view, she leaned on the bannisters, and closed her eyes.

So lost, so restless. Who wasn't? Everyone she knew was looking for a miracle, looking for a way to self actualisation, looking for a way the world dictated as worthwhile to pass life by. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped as someone brushed a warm hand against her wrist. One of dimple boy's friends. She smiled, but wasn't rewarded by one of his own. Instead, he drew her in, slowly, with his intuitive comments, and his frank intelligence. She found herself laughing at his dry humour and he very nicely offered her kleenex to wipe her tears. He asked why her mascara hadn't smudged yet, and she was pleased to see him nod in approval when she said she hadn't used any. They went back in, and he sat next to her this time. She was in a much better mood after this, but all too soon dimple boy had to go. She looked at cat, recognising that she would go with them as well; she wouldn't stay with a group of almost strangers. Dimple boy could send her home, or she could simply cab it.

She was a little sad, realising that he hadn't yet asked her for a way to remain in contact, but she would rather flash granny beige undies than to show what she was thinking. She contained a smug smile when the object of her attention stood up, declaring that he would go as well. As the four of them made for the exit, cat turned and smiled at dimple boy's friend. She watched, perplexed. It was a secret smile, one that she wasn't privy to.

"I stay in the east, i'll send you safely home", he said with little smile and a slight tilt of his head. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a demand, it was stated matter of factly. With a delicious shudder, she realised that here was a man who was used to being in control. As they got ready to drive off, he leaned close. He leaned over the gearbox and murmured that he liked her perfume. He had noticed by the riverside. She took a deep breath and thanked him. Such a simple gesture, so effective for making the proximity of a man's body known. They listened to buddhabar in the car, stopped for mineral water for her and mints for him, and talked about Klimt's women in his paintings. As they made the turning into her estate, she noticed suddenly there was a glimmer on the floor boards, partly occluded by the mats. A glimmer of part of a dangly earring.

She looked at him. He smiled at her, not knowing what was going through her mind. He probably didn't understand why she pretended not to hear when he asked for her number, but he probably didn't know about the sudden tightening of disappointment in her abdomen either.

The earring could have been just a friend's, or it could have been a wife's. It could have been from that morning, or it could have been from a month ago. Either way, she was too tired to play any game, no matter how minor, no matter how imaginary. Thanking him for the ride home, faith closed the car door quietly, and started her walk home.

2005-10-24T13:32:00.000+08:00

The whole world knows im the most graceful klutz in the world. I think i've mentioned that an embarrassing incident is way overdue, and i always (almost*) keep my promises.

I've been trying to do something about my maniacal laughter. Similarities to the faultless ass are getting a bit too close to home for comfort, and on fri night as i threw my head back back to laugh at someone else, karma dictated that this time i carelessly throw my head against the handle of a pushcart with all the force i could muster. Helpful hands hurried to comfort my head (Yes. it was painful.. Do i really need more hands pressing and rubbing my now slightly lumpier crown? Thank you, your concern is admirable.) I brushed concern away, feeling foolish at the cause of all this attention, and changed the subject. 3 days later, i ponder over the dull headache that has stayed to keep me company. Yesterday it invited nausea which subsuded after a bit, thank god, but if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know why.

I called k for a spot of sympathy, bemoaning the fact that i didn't want to become more of an imbecile than i already am, and he tactfully reminded me that this kind of trauma to the occiput (back of the head) would keep me bright, but also possibly quite blind. Aww.

Someone else recommended an MRI, which is, in faith speak, simply a scan that shows the density of tissue and miscellaneous matter. In other words, if the pretty colours of my brain seem to be more abundant, it could mean it has swelled, the secondary cause of which is due to unbecoming ladylike behaviour. Free lancing has left me bereft of a nice, private room in the hospital in which to endure tests free, so i will just cross my fingers and hope the headaches go away. If in the meantime i forget excessively, or seem a bit subdued, i apologise.

2005-10-13T04:02:00.000+08:00

i write of
love,
dreamed
oft,
scoffed at
by microsoft.

Damn windows xp. I was typing a letter to you when i got the *blue screen of death.

*it pretends to want to return to the original page by asking you to press any key, but it always lies.

2005-10-12T10:16:00.000+08:00

listening to: warning shots
thievary corporation

Last night was upsetting on two counts. The whole evening wasn't entirely marred by them, but i took the two home, and i can't stop thinking.

Work these days has been fabulous.. Have you ever exchanged coy smiles with someone over a little secret, presumably something only the two of you know? An innocent touch becomes a deliberate one, one that is all the more delicious for being so scantily veiled in intention; you notice little details about your leetle darlink' that are remembered when you are alone, and replay comes so easily. During our night at work, we shared an empty room for our break which ultimately lasted 4 hours.Too bad i fell asleep before anything could happen. Ooops. We were just talking. What were you thinking?

This morning i saw dede looking at me with a strange look. A small frown, with a slightly bitchy sidelook. (Indian, what.) It's plainly a measuring glance. She's never looked at me that way before. She knows.. Didi's a nice, godly girl whom i like, and she's the best friend of my psuedo playmate. How could she not disapprove? I feel a little sorry that she has to know, but one's orientation is not exactly chosen. it's given. i didn't have a choice. What can i say? I'm only sorry that these things are stereotyped by someone whom i treat as a good friend. A person can go to church, and want a personal relationship with god, but it doesn't mean that she has to be perfect in the world's eyes.

My little distraction at work was just that. A little later into the course of the day though, i received a msg from someone whom i've been spending alot of time with. I won't go into detail, but im so utterly crushed. Time and time again i've been terribly disappointed by this numbnut. Men can be so tactless without meaning anything. Why are they so incredibly, fantastically, irrevocably dumb? Surely they need something more solid to stand up to a woman's unreasonableness?

I should have been born a feminist butch.

Why, why, why??

2005-10-12T10:02:00.000+08:00

Listening to: before today
chicane

Came home to find my room cleaned. My mother again. I'm so sorry..you didnt need to do it. You didn't need to tell me to eat before i left for work. I can take care of myself, to a reasonable extent, though not perhaps in the way you'd like.

I wish a better daughter had "happened" to her. I wish she could have had a more pleasant life. I wish it could have started out differently.

All i can give her are my subdued responses, to her ever more apparent, and giving gestures. My father once told me, that as he grows old, sometimes all he wonders is if he was a good enough parent, and if he will ever know that he was. All that goes through my head, is that both of them are thinking this almost constantly. A sense of resignation must have overcome them by now, and i cant understand why i dont have an an answer. The only thing i know is that my behaviour doesn't warrant any perfectness from them.

Do you ever wish you were a better person too?

2005-10-08T01:42:00.000+08:00

Listening to: lay your hands
simon webbe

Do you ever get the feeling that you're getting left behind?

2005-10-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

I love animals, i'm all for self esteem but..really..

prosthethic animal testicals?

Surplus

2005-10-05T04:28:00.000+08:00

I read a recommended blog, and it was, for lack of a better word to describe it, a blog exclusively about sex, sex, and more sex. Second time this mth someone has pointed me in the direction of one. Kink in the kitchen. Contortions in the car. Bliss on the balcony. Conjoining in the mile high club. Ok. I havn't read anyone writing about that one yet, have to admit ;)

I passed on the reading. Not because im a prude, but because, in recent times, there just seems a surplus of these floating around. Is it my imagination, or are most of these bloggies written by the women? It's like pornography. When you first start, you lap everything up, then you slowly become more discerning, and finally, it takes a special something to make you put that clip on "continous replay". Is it for increased readership? Is it because they enjoy nothing more and are nymphomaniacs? Or do they just enjoy the pleasures of writing and not feeling archytyped by our very singaporean culture, being able to give their explanations and reasons for everything? Posts on especially interesting encounters would be something; i wouldn't say i promise never to write about those provided they're not so vanilla that the next thing i do is check my mail when i should be excusing myself to my bedroom.

I'll admit it takes someone inspired to write about these tantalising encounters and the associated every post time and time again and not sound boring..

This isn't a rant and im just musing, but i wonder what the percentage is like when we talk about female readership of those blogs. I have nothing against them, but as a man, don't be surprised if i don't froth at the mouth each time i find a new sex blog.

Please. The word i'd like you to use on me is discerning. And no, prudes don't make men blush.

2005-09-29T05:20:00.000+08:00

Listening to: illusions
chicane

You know how friendster has added another option for the status of relationships? Now another option lets you tell everyone how confused you are, with the option of announcing that "it's complicated".

Am i the only one who gets seriously annoyed by this? Is this a cover up to avoid telling people you're single? Fercryin out loud.. How difficult is it? If you're attached, both parties acknowledge they're in a relationship. If one is unable to say for sure, doesn't that mean you're single? It's the other person's price for assumption if he gets upset. It's a yes or no thing, with some slight variation in shades in between but nothing that one cant cope with, right? If you're dallying with someone, but he hasn't asked you to be his gf, it means you're still single. If she's kissed you but hasn't talked to you since? You're single. If you regularly fuck each other , but you don't watch movies together? You're single!! What's so difficult?? Emotions are messy, and people can be attached to each other but it's mutually exclusive from being IN a relationship!

What's up with this?

Squat-ed.

2005-09-27T11:42:00.000+08:00

I'll be a little sad when the squatters at changi beach have all gone. They never made a nuisance of themselves that i saw, and helped us with a birthday surprise for a friend when we couldn't physically be at the site all day.

Strange. Even without saying a word to most of them, i have a feeling the beach will be lonely without their presence.

2005-09-26T11:33:00.000+08:00

Listening to: a little respect
eurasure

Tried posting some pics up; but this being the third time, and all for nuts have decided to settle for cursing blogger roundly, but softly and meekly in my corner of office.

1.
Quidam. Cirque du Soleil's latest offering was what i had been looking forward to for mths, but by the second act i was wiping tears away. Tears of sleepiness that is. The acts were there, yes, but it looked like they had peetered off from the original dramatic, eye widening and gasp inducing ones, to something that any trained gymnast could do. Fine. Some of the acts were worthy of the price, but maybe only two out of the array. i couldn't bring myself to stand for any ovations, as did most of the crowd. Liked the bag from the girls, and i'll be keeping the card forever :)

It's a bit sad, but the red shoes afterward was so much more entertaining.. Joining yet more of the throng at cineleisure after playing warcraft for a bit, we decided to catch (yet another) korean horror flick. I'm not one for taking much notice of names, but Kim Sung-soo is a rather dishy specimen. Kim Hye-soo, the female lead is seriously one of the better asian actresses i have seen, being able to act, and look versatile. Plus. She's a sex kitten in waiting. Apaprently the version i caught was a bit moralistic because steamy scenes were cut. Cencorship board, C'mon! There were no nudies, so what makes you think your audience hasn't seen it all? Moving on. Oh. On a side note, this show has one of the ugliest little girls i have seen acting. Right.

2.
Tits, boobies, jugs, hooters, funbags, bazookas. Who reading can lay claim to touching augmented ones? Oooh- i can, i can! Just thought i'd mention it :) For the benefit of those who've wondered if they're rock hard, and look real, here's the low down on how FAKE BOBBIES FEEL.

They do point at the ceiling, the pair i saw must have been done quite some time ago because scars were visible (very), slanting directly beneath the curves. If she had waited, she could have chosen the incisions either under her arms, or via the areolas.

They were perfectly round, both of equal size, perpendicular to the ceiling :) At first i was slightly apprehensive because i kept envisioning lin chiling's saline burst, but they turned out to be..uh..slightly more malleable. Im sensing thats a wrong choice of word.. They moved around, but very much limited by their firmness and size. They were not that hard, but felt like a very distended balloon with padding on top. Slightly yuck.

Here's a question. If you knew that in your workplace one of your clients was a paedophile, would you let him get away with it? To my great disgust, apparently one of my subjects (a caucasian middle aged man whom i was uncomfortable being with right at the very start) was noticed surfing child porn. in the common room. When i asked if anyone had done anything about it, colleagues just shrugged and mentioned the site was now blocked on the shared computer. I mean.. my god! No one had given him even a verbal warning.

This is a man, who has no fixed address, and goes often to thailand and vietnam for business trips! Do you have any idea how prevailent child sex is there? Imagine if you will for a moment. He comes in every 3 mths to to the unit for easy money. He goes off for trips after. Repeat. We're indirectly supplying him with the means to fuck little children! Can't do anything about it now because i have no proof, and no one seems comfortable about even talking anything about it, and he's not at the unit now. I urge you..please please.. if ever a similar situation is in your control, do something about it! one voice, no matter how small, and how insignificant it is, might help destroy the fallacy that harmful social deviance in public goes completely unpunished..

2005-09-17T09:28:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Mr super market produce putter-outer
Bud Light Presents Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius)

I'm sure it's not just me. With some people, very few, i get tongue tied, feel like everything i do is insufficient. I swear this foolish grin comes on, and i feel like a dumb block of grunts *grunt snort grunt* , while the other is lightness and wisdom personified. Not quite sure why this happens, and i can't remember when the last time this was but tis happening again at work. I guess the good thing is that i do respect this woman, which is a rarity in itself. How on earth can you know you did a good day's work and yet go home feeling crappy? The power of a person's good natured rib.

Was stepping out of the lift, and who did i walk into but Mr smiley painter man who watched me walk up to my house door sheepishly. Not only does he know what i look like topside now, but he's got to see me in the flesh (theoretically a bit less of the flesh, more of the clothes) trying to sidle past his bloody huge scaffold blocking the bloody lift door. So i bloody had to squeeze past while he bloody wished me a very bloody good morning. I'm sticking to the air con and closed windows from now on.

Caught up with a peer the other night, and found out that she's marrying a pastor. Astonishment. How did she know he was the one, i asked? She smiled, and made me promise not to laugh. Being afraid of a man leaving her for another woman, she prayed. I huddled closer, waiting for what she wanted the man to tell her. What term of affection, what bit of his heart would he proffer to show his ardor?

The statement, when it came, made me laugh. He had asked her to die before him, because he didn't want her to ever be alone. Aww shucks.

I can only hope that the day i fall, is the day my own prayer is answered. I'm drawing closer to the religion i lost so long ago. Not the obligation of tradition or guilt that came in early adulthood, but out of a real want to relive what was so special to me when i was young. I might not want to be a nun anymore, i don't think they look upon loving thy self that literally, but..well..we'll see.

Lyrics:
Today we salute you Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer (Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer)You have perhaps the greatest job known to man, squeezing giant melons all day long
(Love those squishy melons)
When women come in looking for squash, you say,
"Perhaps I can interest you in my giant zucchini (That ain't no zucchini)
Day in and day out, women step on your grapes, and you don't even flinch(Ooooooh!)
Is that a banana in your pocket?
No, it's a Plantain(Muy, muy grande)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light
O' King of the Cumquats,
because if one guy has to fondle our plums, we're glad it's you
(Mr. Supermarket Produce Putter Outer)

2005-09-15T18:22:00.000+08:00

Listening to: wake me up when september's over
green day

It's been yonks. I know i'll come back to write, but seriously.. The inclination to look at what i've written, going to write or even look at what some people are writing is way way overdue.. Besides- a marginal addiction to world of warcraft, (its got nothing on diablo), the free lancing and trying to get some sleep takes up my time comfortably.

It's been getting hard for me to both sleep and stay asleep again. Last night was so damn hot i decided to get rid of my top in a restless fit and let the cool air from the fan reach me uninterrupted . When i woke, i realised that my windows were closed. Strange. They were still open when i decided to fall asleep. I woke up and squinted groggily at windows, and then it hit me. The painters had closed it for me, they were just outside my window, talking in animated tones.

God no.

When was the last time you flashed someone? Thank god i was still wearing my shorts.

On a side note,small wonder the painters always appear so happy. Talk about job perks.

Litany

2005-09-05T03:27:00.000+08:00

Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait - for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you had thought 'twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by and by.
He keeps the key.

Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no longer lingerer He,
And of the door of all your future life
He keeps the key.

Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know if EVERY door
He keeps the key
That He at last, when he just HE sees best,
Will give it thee.
- Anonymous

Sometimes He's a real joker, huh? Just wish my sense of humour cld keep up.

post shopping traumatic disorder

2005-09-01T22:53:00.000+08:00

Back from K.L.

Yeah, im traumatised. There was nothing to buy. They have huge malls that are filled to the max, pretty cineplexes that are nicer then our's but they remain intrinsically.. malaysian. No offense to those reading who hail from that beautiful country, but this is after all my blog, which means the sentiments belong to..Moi. After this, im more sympathethic to the fact that people stereotype malaysian's dressing. How can they be blamed when it's the fashion buyers who should be shot?

I never realised there were so many a.j's there. Everywhere i turned, there were couples. All the trannies were malay, and the ones i cld recognise (the bottoms) were pretty much chinese. Strange, no? Guess they've evolved into a more tolerant society than ours. Must be because they generally have more to put up with.

The taxi service remained dubious, with those who had meters rare, and the ones who were scammers, plentiful. They were upfront about it as well, saying that singaporeans were stingy, and we shld give them a lil coffee money. I agree about the stingy part. It's true i know, that singaporeans generally are known as shite tourists but no one earns my coffee money unless im willing. And unless they're deserving.

Caught a movie there, the 'plex had 18 screens, and frankly, i think that one was better than ours. The seating was slightly different, ascribing to the method of markedly raised tiers, as opposed to ours. There were multiple snack counters, multiple loo's scattered around so handle the after movie crowd. The only thing that marred my experience was an old lady who exclaimed in cantonese at every.single.fucking.action sequence. When a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g happened, she wld exclaim in fucking cantonese. Yes. I was pissed. And i didn't know how to tell her to shut her trap up in cantonese, so i had to setttle for the annoying method of turning around with my finger on my lip. Spastic as hell, but at least it worked.

Sounds like my trip was a complete waste of my time, but it really wasn't. The entitlement of being a bitch today is mine, but i acknowledge that i enjoyed myself. The eating was delicious. Perhaps it was the dirt. Certainly i got better and it didn't feel like i was trying to hack my lungs out anymore. Well well.

breakin'

2005-08-16T01:51:00.000+08:00

Seen the original "singing in the rain'?

gene kelly

Gotta love this :)

Indolence.

2005-08-15T13:50:00.000+08:00

Listening to: blue orchid
white strips

My nights merge into days, and my days become nights. Books litter the floor of my room, and my phone bill, like the other expenses, have gone up this mth. Umemployment both suits, and doesn't. Leisure to go out, time to stay out late, the license to spend time doing..nothing. Rolling in bed, planning the iteinery for the day. Sloth. Isn't that what they call it? *smiles lazily* Plan an impromptu trip, stay up till whenever, and sleep in till you're woozy from sleep.

It's hard to get started again once inertia sets in. Tomorrow, i'll be good.

Question.

2005-08-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

listening to: i believe in love
the darkness

Question.

If you had found an incredible friendship, is it selfish to want it to remain as such, never letting it progress beyond that?

Because i'm convinced that marriage would screw it up, like it clusterfucks up so many other things.

Skyflowers

2005-08-10T14:00:00.000+08:00

Listening to: stellar
incubus

Standing on the shears bridge, the rows of people all along as far as the bridge allowed, I breathed in the sea breeze and smiled. Finally I get to see the fireworks. Amazing. I had worked all the way from the carpark just after mac's at the ecp; carried along by the buoyancy of the mood, and the disappointment of the night before- Stuck on the ecp's midnight jam, hearing the whistles and explosions of the fireworks but never able to see the real thing; courtesy of trees and that damned double decker bus which seemed glued to the side of the car. I had been so upset i was dejected. Until the prata house, that is.

mushrooms that make you go whoa

When the lights finally appeared, all at the same time, I couldn't remember when last something had enchanted me so very thoroughly.. They shot up from marina, the padang, and somewhere at the very edge of the east coast beach. I turned to smile, and received his sweeter surprise. After a moment, we pulled away, the better to witness the tangible fireworks that were still blooming in the night sky..

Fleur du ciel

Magick.

Proclamations

2005-08-08T15:42:00.000+08:00

Listening to: you're beautiful
james blunt

I was, and am thinking of having a seperate area for posts which deal with religion, spirituality, all the things that make a jesus freak :) For today however, my posts remain on one. If you don't want to read, then don't!

Festival of praise ran from Fri to Sun last weekend. I've never wanted to, or felt the inclination to go, even though the idea of all the denominations celebrating together was beautiful to me. This year i felt a strange urge to want to be there, and there i was last night:)

Lion was late in picking me up, and it was already 17.30hrs but somebody, please tell me why i knew we were going to get seats *grins* Aggie didn't come, neither did mkor, so it was just us. Once in the car i realised that i wasn't wearing any contacts . Die lah. Crowds have been queuing up since noon, i'd surely be sitting right behind. Just an itty bitty speck 100 rows from the stage. What wld i do, if i wasn't able to see anything on the stage? Frick.

We reached the indoor stadium at about 1745-1800, and made a cut thru Tanjong Rhu to the North entrance. Word was that that queue was a tad bit shorter than the others, so we joined the throngs where i had a good laugh at some of the people's conversations since we were in such close proximity. How do you tell someone where you are by saying " it's the building with the gap"? So incredibly descriptive. Turns out she meant a gap in the crowds. We finally hit the blessed cool of the interior about an hour later. Lion shook his head, and said i shld have been more aggressive in keeping up with him. I cldn't. The thought of pressing against sweaty people, girls with unwashed hair, being pressed upon on all sides.. If people want to get stampeded upon, that's their problem. Peasants. Muhar!

We were pass the gate checks, looking for seats. Frantic ushers telling us to hurry, hurry, ushers telling us to move to the seating at the back of the stage.. I stood there a little, not wanting to be relegated to seeing the back of people's heads the entire evening. I slipped pass the harrassed usher once his back was turned, grabbing lion and pulling him along after me. Amazing isn't it, then we finally were found seats after a few minutes of hunting. Or were found seats by an usher, who had made some people give up reserved ones.

We got front row seats.

The gig started off on time. I won't talk much about the bands Delirious and Hillsong, which lived up to expectations, or that half way thru the crowds thronged the pre-stage area, and i was forced to stand on my chair to see anything, pygmy that i am. I won't talk about the many instances when the loudness of the beat, and the nearness of the His presence made my heart catch, and my lids heavy with feeling. I won't elaborate on how apt the 'sermon' was for me that night either.

It was like the whole evening had been tailor made to make me leave the stadium much more fulfilled that i had in a long, long time. And for that, i offer thanks.

Ennui

2005-08-08T01:54:00.001+08:00

Guess what? I'm not working tomorrow, and probably will have the next week off as well. Gosh. As always, with excess time, i stoop to the mundane, and the useless. Attend. *brandishes pointer*

You have moderate sub tendencies. You enjoy being
told what to do, though the domme in you kicks
and screams at times. You can be a brat,
deliberately provoking a dominant. You need to
be reminded of your place at times, bitch.

Fact or fiction? Startlingly accurate.

Are you Dominant or Submissive?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.

Phlusse.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

obsessive compulsive

Lily wld have been thrilled if i had these qualities in abundance. I left before it became a full fledged..what else? Compulsion.

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and
innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only
love in your sweet kisses.

We'll leave the analysis to those who know what they're talking about, shall we?

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lies, all of it!!

What does love mean to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

~ I originally wanted to write about a something a little closer to heart, but for now, must mush up the stairs to my bed. Night night, world :) ~

One last look..

2005-08-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

Last glimpses..

Daily routines- never boring, always traumatising.

Sweet effort.

I have no idea why he's grimacing. No bits of mine were astray.

A view from a window. Mine.

Thanks for the memories.

Leave taking.

2005-07-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

My memories will always be with me, wherever i go.

Having snuck off early on thursday, k picked me up, and we went to collect the flowers and balloons that i had ordered. Coming back to an empty office, i got to work. i wanted calla lillies, but didn't have enough time to wait. I settled on gerbera's, their lively, solid colours matching the stationery i was using.. It was only later i realised that they symbolise love of absent friends. Sigh. And so it began. Letters and gerberas left on keyboards. The gerbera's were not packaged elaborately, with only a single ribbon round their stems.. As i worked, i looked at secret bear, the care bear that sher had left with me for my last night. It's strange so much done can be squeezed into only a few paragraphs, but for now im wrung out, tired and aching in every way to write much, or want to elaborate more. As i wrote in the cards, every now and then i would look out, trying to memorise the view. The sun set which has always hypnotized. At the myna's and occasional crow, their whirling, perfect synchronised flight. Earlier in the day, adel had pressed a package into my hands, petting my hair and shoulders, yet again making it difficult for me. I hate goodbyes. So much to say, so little inclination to write about them now.

Friday loomed early and cheery After a torturous car rally, dinner at steve's house with the beautiful grounds and sonmewhat damp drinks at tango, i was ready for home. My cheeks were numb with all the smiling at the cameras, and i was almost exhausted form the day, but bed just didnt want to beckon. I hit my bed at about 5 that morning, but i didn't mind, because some nights just aren't meant to be spent alone.

It still hasnt ended. Coming home today, i checked my mail to find mail from colleagues that only made me run to get the nearest tissue/toilet roll.

Dammit.

"Don't want to leave, but we both know sometimes it's better to go. Somehow I know we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when you're in my heart, so until then, smile, don't want to cry saying goodbye." -The Muppets

Dawning.

2005-07-26T13:34:00.000+08:00

Listening to: office pitter patter and paper shuffles

Stabbed my subjects arm. Waited for him to stop bleeding from the pricks. Wicked at it while he looked on in fascination. I looked at him and smiled while letting him examine the blood sodden filter. He gave me a toothy grin, he of the nice voice and veiny arms, and remarked that i had to encourage his arm.

Inflictor of pain : "What?"
Inflictee: "You've got to encourage him, ask him to stop bleeding.."
I.o.P:" Him? Don't you mean..it?"
While concentrating on his arm, i hear this through my haze of concentration.
Inflictee: " Yar. The prick. You've got to encourage him"

I miss the times when i was young enough to enjoy conversation without an uncrossable long kang (read: gutter) in my brain.

After i leave, the office will also be slightly more goof proof, not just a small mercy when in an environment with a great deal of sharps and biohazards. It's no secret that i belong to a special group of the handicapped, known as the terminally klutzy. I havn't fallen flat on my face for quite some time now, so the universe must be saving the moment for a more embarrassing one when it can savour it. It deviousness can be observed when you see how it has gifted me with intermittent gracefullness, all the better for marked contrast.

Lookee this - the colour of pain.
See the girl in the left? Yeah. That, my friend, is something i can probably relate to very intimately, given enough time.

Besides finding like minded people who share my penchant for the awkwardly painful, i've also plumbed the depths of employee uselessness. Having days when one simply can't do anything work related, it was to my sweet, sweet delight that i discovered i had colleagues who were capable of being just as innane, or worse. No images will be displayed to protect the names of the guilty. The fact that i looked halloween ready in them, is of course, of no consequence. But honestly.. we could have done this and i bet no one would have batted an eye. I could also bet that they would join in. Well..Some of them anyway.

Of course all wasn't fun and play. Long long hours when deadlines were near, much eye rollin and furi0us frantic whispering in the halls of the facility were more than common.. but i guess every ending is always bitter sweet..

Sigh.